markleymassraff Posted January 21, 2015 Posted January 21, 2015 (edited) Disclaimer: I feel no guilt at all; I'm writing this post just out of curiosity as to what most people would think about a situation similar to mine. (Obviously, people have different attitudes about "dating an ex's friend..." etc., and I'd just like to survey opinions.) So... I was with a guy for a year and a half from August 2012 to March 2014. We were in love, but we also fought a lot and had a stressful relationship in general (at least he felt stressed; I didn't all that much; I have a greater threshold for confrontation/conflict). Anyway, a fight in March 2014 caused him to break up with me. I tried to get him to change his mind the first week after, left him alone for a month, then tried again at the five-week-mark. Nothing would sway him to change his mind. I accepted it and dealt with the single life for the next eight months. At the end of November, I got invited via Facebook event to the bar-outing of one of his friends (not a "best friend," but not just an acquaintance either; the friend lives 2.5 hours from our city and comes into town about once a month; sometimes my ex goes to his town (but not to see the guy, just for other reasons). They talk here and there and will see each other, but are not best friends, maybe not even "good friends," -- just...friends. I'd say they see each other 3-4 times a year, and maybe make calls or texts about twice that...something like that.) Anyway, I got invited to a bar outing with that guy. Went to it. Had never considered him before (just didn't know him well). But that night..I was highly attracted, and I found out later that so was he. Since he lives 2.5 hours away, I didn't see him for the next month except on Facebook, but was still highly attracted to what I saw on FB. When he came back into town for New Year's, he and I ended up kissing at midnight. We have also, since New Year's, started seeing each other and have already had sex. We are not boyfriend/girlfriend -- he is gun shy from two failed long-term relationships -- but...we are seeing each other. I'm smitten, and he seems like he is too. Well, I found out recently that my ex has been in a serious relationship since two and a half months after our breakup. So...he hasn't been alone. He has a girlfriend. The guy I am seeing now says he does not care at all about any of this. He says he'll see me, and if ____ (my ex) has a problem with it, he can talk to him about it. He's also joked that if we ran into him in public, he'd have no problem making out with me right in front of him or even having sex with me right in front of him. (he's just joking.) So...the circumstances are: 1) the ex broke up with me and refused to take me back even after i really fought for the relationship 2) he's had a serious relationship for eight / nine months now 3) he and the friend I am seeing are "friends" -- not good or best What do you all think? Would you feel okay being in my shoes or in the shoes of the guy I am seeing? Would you feel bad? Does this go against your principles? Edited January 21, 2015 by markleymassraff
Trimmer Posted January 21, 2015 Posted January 21, 2015 I don't see a problem with it. I would take my cue from your current... whatever-ya-call-him.... "new guy"? If he really treasured his friendship with your ex, and wanted to prioritize it above starting a relationship with you, he is completely free to do that. If he is either confident it won't badly affect their relationship, or he doesn't care if it affects their relationship, and he prioritizes your relationship, then all is good. I'm not one who believes you 'owe something' to your ex in this regard. The friendship in question is in the hands of your new guy. He gets to choose how he manages it.
katlover Posted January 21, 2015 Posted January 21, 2015 Disclaimer: I feel no guilt at all; I'm writing this post just out of curiosity as to what most people would think about a situation similar to mine. (Obviously, people have different attitudes about "dating an ex's friend..." etc., and I'd just like to survey opinions.) So... I was with a guy for a year and a half from August 2012 to March 2014. We were in love, but we also fought a lot and had a stressful relationship in general (at least he felt stressed; I didn't all that much; I have a greater threshold for confrontation/conflict). Anyway, a fight in March 2014 caused him to break up with me. I tried to get him to change his mind the first week after, left him alone for a month, then tried again at the five-week-mark. Nothing would sway him to change his mind. I accepted it and dealt with the single life for the next eight months. At the end of November, I got invited via Facebook event to the bar-outing of one of his friends (not a "best friend," but not just an acquaintance either; the friend lives 2.5 hours from our city and comes into town about once a month; sometimes my ex goes to his town (but not to see the guy, just for other reasons). They talk here and there and will see each other, but are not best friends, maybe not even "good friends," -- just...friends. I'd say they see each other 3-4 times a year, and maybe make calls or texts about twice that...something like that.) Anyway, I got invited to a bar outing with that guy. Went to it. Had never considered him before (just didn't know him well). But that night..I was highly attracted, and I found out later that so was he. Since he lives 2.5 hours away, I didn't see him for the next month except on Facebook, but was still highly attracted to what I saw on FB. When he came back into town for New Year's, he and I ended up kissing at midnight. We have also, since New Year's, started seeing each other and have already had sex. We are not boyfriend/girlfriend -- he is gun shy from two failed long-term relationships -- but...we are seeing each other. I'm smitten, and he seems like he is too. Well, I found out recently that my ex has been in a serious relationship since two and a half months after our breakup. So...he hasn't been alone. He has a girlfriend. The guy I am seeing now says he does not care at all about any of this. He says he'll see me, and if ____ (my ex) has a problem with it, he can talk to him about it. He's also joked that if we ran into him in public, he'd have no problem making out with me right in front of him or even having sex with me right in front of him. (he's just joking.) So...the circumstances are: 1) the ex broke up with me and refused to take me back even after i really fought for the relationship 2) he's had a serious relationship for eight / nine months now 3) he and the friend I am seeing are "friends" -- not good or best What do you all think? Would you feel okay being in my shoes or in the shoes of the guy I am seeing? Would you feel bad? Does this go against your principles? I would feel okay about it. And no I wouldn't feel bad. If you really liked the person why not? He's single, you're single, so go for it. The other friend doesn't even want you. I was in the same exact position as your friend(the one u like). I dated my friends ex for like a week or 2(she had to move back to asia), we were more like fwb. I didn't care what other people thought honestly. I was just attracted to this girl so I just went for it.
Author markleymassraff Posted January 21, 2015 Author Posted January 21, 2015 Thanks. I actually really enjoy having sex with my ex's friend. Haha. But...I'm smitten too. This is not revenge. My ex's friend is very, very attractive -- and good in bed. Breakups really are a blessing in disguise. I wouldn't be with this awesome-in-bed guy if not for my ex.
Author markleymassraff Posted January 27, 2015 Author Posted January 27, 2015 People may not care about my situation, but I wanted to give an update in case anyone has any thoughts. It seems that my ex does care about this. In what way, I do not know. It may be out of lingering feelings for me (I doubt it though), or out of no feelings for me but just principle..who knows. But I do know that my ex recently discovered the current involvement I have with his friend, and though he has not said anything to me or him (guy I'm seeing) directly, one of his good female friends (who kept me on Facebook the whole 11 months the ex and I have been broken up, and liked my stuff often enough) suddenly unfriended me. She also wrote ___ (guy I'm seeing) a message and asked if he was with me and said something like "With friends like you, who needs enemies?" and unfriended him too. Not sure if it's coming from her or from her from my ex. But...I would think she wouldn't react like this if my ex didn't care. I really don't get it because he's in another relationship and has been for nine months. He also did not want me back even after I pleaded for our relationship (back then.) Maybe he just doesn't like thinking of me with his friend, regardless. I do not believe they are great friends or good friends. But as people said, it's not my transgression (if it's a transgression at all); it's on the guy I am seeing...(not that I personally blame him, but people have pointed out that he's the one in a moral dilemma, not me.)
me85 Posted January 27, 2015 Posted January 27, 2015 Never dated a friend of an old boyfriend's in the past but there was this one acquaintance of my most recent ex's that I thought was cool and good looking. If we were to cross paths in the future and were both interested in dating each other, then why not?? Eff my ex. lol It's not like he was a good boyfriend to me anyways.
stillafool Posted January 27, 2015 Posted January 27, 2015 Well who knows if he's behind it or not and what does it matter since he didn't want you back anyway. I agree with others that I don't see anything wrong with you dating his (not so close) friend especially after trying unsuccessfully to get him back and waiting all those months. Glad you are happy now. BTW you can refer to your bf as your bf and not your ex's friend.
Author markleymassraff Posted January 27, 2015 Author Posted January 27, 2015 Thank you, stillafool. I didn't write about it on this board at all, but you all will never know the aching pain, self-doubt, loneliness, and longing for him I went through for ten months before I got together with his not-that-close-a friend. I feel no guilt. He hurt me badly by refusing to acknowledge me when I was fighting tooth and nail to keep us together and to work on 'us'. If I ever even remotely start to feel bad (and I don't), all I have to do is remember the many nights I cried myself to sleep, or just randomly in the middle of the day, in my car, at restaurants, while with friends; stared at pictures of him alone and us together, listened to and watched videos I took of him. He had been having sex with and enjoying a nurturing relationship with a woman for months while I sat alone and cried and longed for him. So now I'm not lonely anymore and now I have someone to hold, adore, and have sex with. I feel fine.
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