Kitkatleen24 Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 So my guy said he wasn't afraid to lose me, even if it happens, he will move on with his life as long as he knew i'm happy and doing well. He's only afraid what would happen to me and worried that i meet something "bad". I feel like he don't even love me, he's not jealous, he's just not afraid or worried about anything. I'm his first girlfriend by the way. I'm constantly worried to lose him, him meeting someone new etc. I'm extremely upset that he isn't afraid to lose me. I can't feel his love for me as much as he say he do. He said if he don't love me, he wouldn't even be worried about me. Any advice? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BeholdtheMan Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 If he's constantly worried about losing you, you'd probably be complaining about how jealous and pathetic he is. Other than his words, how does he treat you? How he treats you is the most accurate gauge of his love. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kitkatleen24 Posted January 21, 2015 Author Share Posted January 21, 2015 If he's constantly worried about losing you, you'd probably be complaining about how jealous and pathetic he is. Other than his words, how does he treat you? How he treats you is the most accurate gauge of his love. I would rather he is jealous.. I just don't feel his love sometimes. I'm constantly feeling insecure.. How he treats me? i don't know yet, we will meet up next month (sorry forget to mention we are LDR). I'm used to be treated like **** by all my exs that i don't even know what does being treated nicely means... What are signs to look out for if he really loves me? I feel like a wreck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 stop this infatuaton and look closely at a guy who does not even talk to you nicely idk if you started this off by asking him about your relationship, but you really are dealing with a pig, move on 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jeffmeyers Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 What was the context of this conversation? On the surface, it might not be the smartest thing to say to a woman, but it looks to me that he's not as insecure as you, is more realistic about your LDR and is telling you he is his own person no matter who he's with. None of it bad, IMHO. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Taramere Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 So my guy said he wasn't afraid to lose me, even if it happens, he will move on with his life as long as he knew i'm happy and doing well. He's only afraid what would happen to me and worried that i meet something "bad". Whatever his intentions, good or bad, in saying this he's basically giving you a message of "I'm secure and I'll be fine with or without you - but I'm concerned that you won't manage without me." That's quite a demeaning, confidence robbing message to give anybody. Whether it's intentionally so, I have no idea - but if somebody I was with gave me that message, I think I would feel sufficiently disrespected by them to be seriously considering ending the relationship. You need more than "being loved" for a relationship to succeed. Being loved isn't actually much use if it isn't combined with being respected...especially as, I'm sorry to say, love in that context often doesn't last for very long. I feel like he don't even love me, he's not jealous, he's just not afraid or worried about anything. I'm his first girlfriend by the way. I'm constantly worried to lose him, him meeting someone new etc. I'm extremely upset that he isn't afraid to lose me. I can't feel his love for me as much as he say he do. He said if he don't love me, he wouldn't even be worried about me. Any advice? You're at the wrong end of a power imbalance here. It may or may not be intentional on his part - I don't know, but it's very clear that this relationship is increasing your level of insecurity and making you unhappy. I would seriously question, from what you're saying here, the level of respect he has for you. I'm not suggesting for a moment that you aren't worthy of respect, but unfortunately when you show somebody too much of your vulnerable side and your insecurities sometimes you do lose their respect. It's a delicate balance. You have to be vulnerable to a certain extent, but I think that what you're describing (re the messages he's giving you about the relationship) indicate that you have been too vulnerable here. That you've shown him too much with regard to your insecurities - particularly about the relationship. If you're his first girlfriend, that's even worse in a way because he probably lacks the maturity and experience to handle your insecurities in any sort of responsible way. Of course you would cope if the relationship ended. You would be sad and hurt for a while, but you would get through that. And if you found it a particular struggle to get through it, there are lots of resources that can help you. Free online resources like this one, telephone helplines if you're really struggling with anxiety or depression. Professional resources your doctor could refer you to if those feelings become really overwhelming. If you do have issues like that, a relationship isn't going to cure them. In some ways, if you haven't learned coping mechanisms for difficulties like that a relationship can make them worse. Especially a relationship with somebody who isn't giving you particularly respectful or confidence building messages about yourself. You can't really force somebody to give you the messages you'd like to hear - about love, respect, jealousy or whatever else. What you can do is start seriously thinking about things you can do to manage your anxieties and insecurities so that you're not reliant on a relationship to make you feel better (particularly when aspects of that relationship actually just make you feel worse). Although I said that in your situation I would seriously consider ending the relationship, that's just me. I'm not advising you to end the relationship. I do think, though, that it's time you started looking at resources outside of your relationship that can help you with anxieties and insecurities that, from what you're saying, existed before you got into this particular relationship. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
BeatsByDirk Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 He replied appropriately. If you want a jealous BF maybe you should look for therapy and a way to buid self esteem. It seems like you are searching for outside validation. If he's respectful and caring as well as entertaining to be around the problem is with your own insecurity but it he doesn't treat you like that and can still take you or leave you maybe you are just filler and should move on(not that this would be easy for you). 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Assada Posted January 22, 2015 Share Posted January 22, 2015 OP your guy is just mature and stable. OP you and insecure, jealous and have low-self esteem. You should probably work on that. - Youre trying to drag this guy into your bad needy behavior. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ebelskiver Posted January 22, 2015 Share Posted January 22, 2015 I have to disagree with Taramere. I feel your guy gave you the mature, adult answer to that question. You WANT someone who's main concern is your happiness. And of course he would move on if he lost you, so would you! Everyone eventually moves on. You said you've been in relationships where you've always been treated badly. I assume this is why you can't recognize that this is a healthy, honest, respectful answer. When I was married I told my husband, "I don't know if I could go on living if something happened to you. How about you?" And he said, "Well, I definitely want to go on living." At the time I was a little hurt. But seriously. It was actually a fine answer. You want people in your life who are strong and honerable. You deduce that by learning they are honest through things like this. In other relationships the guys would have probably said they could never loose you and that they are jealous. Where did those relationships go? How did those guys treat you. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 22, 2015 Share Posted January 22, 2015 Extremely secure people do not spend much time worrying about what if someone walks out because they know they'll be fine without them and move on. Doesn't mean they don't care about you, but they are not depending on you to make them feel like they are worth something. They know they are, whether you're in their life or not. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kitkatleen24 Posted January 22, 2015 Author Share Posted January 22, 2015 Hi everyone, thanks for the advice. I do admit that i am super needy and insecure. I guess i've been treated too badly in the past that i don't recognise it as an honest and good answer. Honestly i was expecting him to be jealous/can't live without me. I often look up to my guy and wonder how could he feel so secure. He told me he's not jealous because he knows what kind of girl i am, he knows i wouldn't cheat or flirt around behind his back. He say my jealousy issues is due to lack of trust, which is true. He knew i have trust issues & i don't trust him.. Sometimes i feel he deserve better than me. This thread might started out negative but in fact, i thought about it, i'm the one with major issues. He's a super reserved person and don't show emotions. Yesterday i was feeling down and he told me that he needs me in his life. I guess i'm stupid for not recognizing how this guy have been tolerating my nonsense. I've realised that i've been throwing him alot of insecure questions and he told me it's getting old & we had that conversation many times.. Sometimes i just wish he could show me more about how he feels, he's the type who don't say it but he do tell me he loves me everyday. He told me he loves me so much but i don't see it. He tells me that i'm beautiful & i'm the best and he wishes i could see myself in his eyes. How do i become more confident? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 22, 2015 Share Posted January 22, 2015 Some really jealous guys get physical with their gfs and anyone who comes near them. Maybe your bf is thinking this is what you want and that's why he's worried about who you might end up with. You need to control your insecurity. How old are you btw? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kitkatleen24 Posted January 22, 2015 Author Share Posted January 22, 2015 Some really jealous guys get physical with their gfs and anyone who comes near them. Maybe your bf is thinking this is what you want and that's why he's worried about who you might end up with. You need to control your insecurity. How old are you btw? I think this is true. My exs was abusive in words and almost hit me because he's jealous/angry. He don't let me talk to any guys but treated me badly. All my exs cheated on me because they knew i was forgiving.. My other ex kept me around for sex and treated me with no respect too. My bf is worried that i'll meet a bad guy and he thinks i deserve someone who treats me with respect. I'm 24 and i know i shouldn't be acting this way... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BeholdtheMan Posted January 22, 2015 Share Posted January 22, 2015 Whatever his intentions, good or bad, in saying this he's basically giving you a message of "I'm secure and I'll be fine with or without you - but I'm concerned that you won't manage without me." That's quite a demeaning, confidence robbing message to give anybody. I think you're forgetting that in the OP's case, her BF's words are completely accurate. If they're accurate, I dunno if they could be considered "demeaning" She is, by her own admission, incredibly needy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Spartan040 Posted January 22, 2015 Share Posted January 22, 2015 He's incredibly confident for you being his first girlfriend, you should be happy about that! It's not that he doesn't care about you, he obviously does or he wouldn't be dating you. What he means by this is he doesn't absolutely rely on you to make him happy, he has his own life, but you add to his happiness a great deal. You should feel lucky, a lot of guys, especially when they just start dating, can be very clingy because they are afraid, but what they don't realize is that the fear they're reacting to makes it that much more likely that they will lose their girl. He has wisdom, honor that 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kitkatleen24 Posted January 22, 2015 Author Share Posted January 22, 2015 He's incredibly confident for you being his first girlfriend, you should be happy about that! It's not that he doesn't care about you, he obviously does or he wouldn't be dating you. What he means by this is he doesn't absolutely rely on you to make him happy, he has his own life, but you add to his happiness a great deal. You should feel lucky, a lot of guys, especially when they just start dating, can be very clingy because they are afraid, but what they don't realize is that the fear they're reacting to makes it that much more likely that they will lose their girl. He has wisdom, honor that Maybe it's wrong but i would like him to be slightly more clingy... I wish i was as confident as him but i just can't.. Maybe our languages of love is different. But i'm slowly starting to appreciate. I'm just used to being treated badly that i fail to appreciate such a good guy. I guess i must be really lucky. Link to post Share on other sites
BeatsByDirk Posted January 22, 2015 Share Posted January 22, 2015 If you've been abused and treated badly that becomes the default way you look at how loves supposed to be expressed and because you aren't getting that from him you aren't getting the thing you usually associate with love-> jealousy/mistrust/verbal-emotional abuse. Confidence: do hard things you feel our outside of your range if capabilities and keep on trying til yo get it right. Eat healthy and work out(not with a dude trainer or bunch of hornballs) Make safe supportive friends who like to love healthy. Analyze how you feel on paper, cut out everything that isn't based in fact but based in feeling and use it as proof and a reminder that you've thought your actions through and are following a plan. Individual counseling. Closed off dudes rarely change that it's deeply engrained in their personality but if you want an emotional night take some Molly and go dancing! Link to post Share on other sites
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