the text from the ex since 1.5 month breakup.

[Broken ruby]

I need true advice.

 

Been broken up with ex for the past month after. 2 year relationship. He lost his job, (this second time within 4 months) became distant and a jerk. He stopped calling me and would then text on occasion. My final conversation with him was ugly with me crying and asking him why he doesn't call anymore and why is he so distant and he admitted to being distant. I asked if there was another woman, instead of saying no I love you, he said what money would I have right now to take another women right now. I then asked him if he still loves me and what am I suppose to do and don't be so cowardly to tell me if your still into me. Not even giving me a bit of assurance, he said "well I don't want that burden, so if you wanna move on you can" it was cold and so nonchalant. Like he wanted me to be the one to end it. I then cried more and louder and just remember saying bye twice and hung up after more jerk comments with no empathy that I could no longer take after pouring my heart out.He never called back knowing I was upset or contacted me since then. I have tried. And there is that breakup. Just the hanging up of the phone

 

But the truth is. It's been a heavy shaky emotional rollercoaster for one year with him.

 

I am upset the fact that instead of fighting to keep me, give me some closure or just say I do or don't love you, but I am going thru something.When he lost his job, he gave me the hint that he was more concerned with his financial then this relationship which I get. I guess I became more of a stress, he can't see that I loved him and just want to be loved back. He became emotionless and cruel. I understood but I wanted him know that it was unfair to still shut me out and treat me less. Each time i would bring up my feelings genuinely, he was just cold and neglectful showing no empathy like he was always right. I would tell him I don't deserve his treatment and uncaring attitude towards me. It seems like he stopped loving me and could tell me in my face. I would ask hime repeatively thru texts where I was sending pages nonstop getting so emotional on a daily basis which became excessive. I know I became an annoyance to him. However, we have been fighting and had issues before before then. No cheating issues. I start wondering if he had a narcissistic personality. He is very sure of himself. After months of trying to find ways of repairing our relationship it got to a point were I was sooo emotional, because he lacked giving me affection and became uncaring. I loved him more then he loved me. He didn't care to chase me as he did in the past when we had issues.

 

I survived christmas without him and cooked and hosted family dinner. It hurts to know I am entering a new year without him. Or that he wasn't there at my dinner table this christmas. Especially family member asking his whereabouts where now it's my que to break the news that we are over. I have not contacted him. But I wonder if he even cares. I am so angry and torn. I was doing fine, went out last nite with a friend. But after 4 weeks, here I am crying thinking about is again. I curse and hate him so much and want him to feel the same pain I feel hoping karma will hit him hard. I know it's truly wrong, but my heart speaking now. I even pathetically have thoughts of going to a witch doctor to cast a evil spell on him. I am an independent 37 yr old with her own house and career and too grown to be thinking these shenanigans. I know I sound ludacris but it just hurts so much and I thought a month would be better. I often now wonder if there was a woman but I will never know. My trust is gone. A guy has asked me out for brunch. But I am hesitant to go next week.i am so lost and want the feeling to end quickly. I somethimes do hope for a phone call from him. But I don't think it will happen.

Edited December 28, 2014 by Broken ruby

[Broken ruby]

Well I guess no gives any feedback around here or support. This was a waste

[Itspointless]

I need true advice.

Well I guess no gives any feedback around here or support. This was a waste

Was it? I understand that you hurt, but I can imagine that people skip your long story, which is not an easy read to be honest.

Been broken up with ex for the past month after. 2 year relationship. He lost his job, (this second time within 4 months) became distant and a jerk. He stopped calling me and would then text on occasion […] Not even giving me a bit of assurance, he said "well I don't want that burden, so if you wanna move on you can" […] I then cried more and louder and just remember saying bye twice and hung up after more jerk comments with no empathy that I could no longer take after pouring my heart out.

 

[…] But the truth is. It's been a heavy shaky emotional rollercoaster for one year with him.

 

When he lost his job, he gave me the hint that he was more concerned with his financial […] I guess I became more of a stress, he can't see that I loved him and just want to be loved back. He became emotionless and cruel […] I would tell him I don't deserve his treatment and uncaring attitude towards me. […] I would ask hime repeatively thru texts where I was sending pages nonstop getting so emotional on a daily basis which became excessive. I know I became an annoyance to him. However, we have been fighting and had issues before before then.[…] it got to a point were I was sooo emotional, because he lacked giving me affection and became uncaring. I loved him more then he loved me. He didn't care to chase me as he did in the past when we had issues.

 

[…]I have not contacted him. But I wonder if he even cares. I am so angry and torn. […] I curse and hate him so much and want him to feel the same pain I feel hoping karma will hit him hard. I know it's truly wrong, but my heart speaking now. […] I often now wonder if there was a woman but I will never know. My trust is gone. […] i am so lost and want the feeling to end quickly. I somethimes do hope for a phone call from him. But I don't think it will happen.

Why wasn't it a easy read? Well we read a lot about how you feel. Remember I am not pointing fingers here, I am trying to help you, and investing at least half an our of my day responding to you. When reading your post my guess is that this is also familiar to the way you communicated towards him. Because of the fact that we read a lot about you it therefore feels a bit demanding. The way I quoted your text will show you why. Your second post confirmed this, as you come across angry that we do not react to you within 12 hours.

 

You know, a large percentage of people grow distant when they face problems in their lives. Instead of doing it together they want to do it alone. So it could very well be that he was telling the truth to you. This way of dealing with stress within relations is called dismissive-avoidant attachment. If he was than facing emotional responses to his distancing would only push him further away. Even kindly informing or speaking about these matters can push these people away. If he is like that than it is a response he has learned to face life while he was very young, think within his first years.

 

You on the other hand seem to to be very reactive and in much need of emotional attention, this is also learned when very young and is called anxious attachment. If my assessment is right you two push each-others stress buttons.

 

I would very much recommend you to try to forget him for a while and work on your need to be calmed emotionally by others to be happy. I would also recommend you to not jump in a new relation the coming time. Instead try to go through your pain yourself and try therapy to grow more resilient. It will get better, I promise you.

 

I wish you much luck!

[Quest]

I need true advice.

 

Been broken up with ex for the past month after. 2 year relationship. He lost his job, (this second time within 4 months) became distant and a jerk. He stopped calling me and would then text on occasion. My final conversation with him was ugly with me crying and asking him why he doesn't call anymore and why is he so distant and he admitted to being distant. I asked if there was another woman, instead of saying no I love you, he said what money would I have right now to take another women right now. I then asked him if he still loves me and what am I suppose to do and don't be so cowardly to tell me if your still into me. Not even giving me a bit of assurance, he said "well I don't want that burden, so if you wanna move on you can" it was cold and so nonchalant. Like he wanted me to be the one to end it. I then cried more and louder and just remember saying bye twice and hung up after more jerk comments with no empathy that I could no longer take after pouring my heart out.He never called back knowing I was upset or contacted me since then. I have tried. And there is that breakup. Just the hanging up of the phone

 

But the truth is. It's been a heavy shaky emotional rollercoaster for one year with him.

 

I am upset the fact that instead of fighting to keep me, give me some closure or just say I do or don't love you, but I am going thru something.When he lost his job, he gave me the hint that he was more concerned with his financial then this relationship which I get. I guess I became more of a stress, he can't see that I loved him and just want to be loved back. He became emotionless and cruel. I understood but I wanted him know that it was unfair to still shut me out and treat me less. Each time i would bring up my feelings genuinely, he was just cold and neglectful showing no empathy like he was always right. I would tell him I don't deserve his treatment and uncaring attitude towards me. It seems like he stopped loving me and could tell me in my face. I would ask hime repeatively thru texts where I was sending pages nonstop getting so emotional on a daily basis which became excessive. I know I became an annoyance to him. However, we have been fighting and had issues before before then. No cheating issues. I start wondering if he had a narcissistic personality. He is very sure of himself. After months of trying to find ways of repairing our relationship it got to a point were I was sooo emotional, because he lacked giving me affection and became uncaring. I loved him more then he loved me. He didn't care to chase me as he did in the past when we had issues.

 

It sounds as if he really wasn't in a place to discuss your relationship, probably because he had so much to deal with otherwise. Like Itspointless says, some people deal with difficult situations by withdrawing and preferring not to share and talk about them. If you fought a lot before that phonecall, it sounds as if you can't really communicate clearly with each other and give each other what you need. By the sounds of it he is also feeling very bad about himself having lost his job and doesn't and perhaps never did feel confident he can make you feel happy. Your being upset and reacting so personally will only have added to that feeling. That's not to say you're 'wrong' and he's 'right' - it's a chemistry/dynamic thing.

 

I survived christmas without him and cooked and hosted family dinner. It hurts to know I am entering a new year without him. Or that he wasn't there at my dinner table this christmas. Especially family member asking his whereabouts where now it's my que to break the news that we are over. I have not contacted him. But I wonder if he even cares. I am so angry and torn. I was doing fine, went out last nite with a friend. But after 4 weeks, here I am crying thinking about is again. I curse and hate him so much and want him to feel the same pain I feel hoping karma will hit him hard. I know it's truly wrong, but my heart speaking now. I even pathetically have thoughts of going to a witch doctor to cast a evil spell on him. I am an independent 37 yr old with her own house and career and too grown to be thinking these shenanigans. I know I sound ludacris but it just hurts so much and I thought a month would be better. I often now wonder if there was a woman but I will never know. My trust is gone. A guy has asked me out for brunch. But I am hesitant to go next week.i am so lost and want the feeling to end quickly. I somethimes do hope for a phone call from him. But I don't think it will happen.

 

It's bound to hurt and it's normal to have all sorts of angry feelings. IMO the best thing to do is to put the focus back on you and learn from this experience - therapy can be really helpful. If he did call you and you were to resume the relationship would it be any different (fewer fights, more constructive, loving interactions)? Why? What would need to be 'fixed' for that to happen? You can't change him but you can change yourself, if you really want to and think it would benefit you.

But the reality as it is now is that it's over and you need to focus on that and moving on, for your own sake. Don't make contact - you have learned that he doesn't react well to that and obviously wants his space to deal with his own problems.

As to invitations to brunch etc, don't see any harm in getting out and meeting people. Can only help you move on a bit. It would be different if you were thinking of diving straight into another relationship when you're feeling as you do.

[Satu]

You love him and you hate him.

 

That could never be made to work.

 

Go find yourself a therapist, because you need that much more than you need a man.

[Broken ruby]

Thank you Quest and Itspointless for your honesty. It hurts but helps a lot to understand it in layers. I admit I did become anxious and seemingly desperate and started to spiral out of control. He has not since contacted me nor do I think he ever will. It just hurts be cause I want that closure for him to tell me at the end how he really felt regardless.

 

I am going out with the Brunch guy today for drinks for the first time, being I had to reschedule. Don't wanna treat it as a date. But as you said just to meet people and have fun, nothing further. I guess I am scared the question of if I am dating anyone comes up, I am scared that I will slightly go into that breakup talk

 

I do feel a little better, but with New Years I feel these feelings will come back. No matter what, I know to refrain from any contact with him for my sake.

[aggie382]

When reading your post my guess is that this is also familiar to the way you communicated towards him. Because of the fact that we read a lot about you it therefore feels a bit demanding. The way I quoted your text will show you why. Your second post confirmed this, as you come across angry that we do not react to you within 12 hours.

 

Ruby, I agree with this and think you should reflect on it and address it. If you're as demanding of him as you are strangers, I can see why you'd have a problem in this relationship. It's all about you and what you need. But relationships involve two people and their needs have to be treated with equal importance.

[Broken ruby]

As I do agree I got a little controlling at the end where I appeared demanding due to being so lost and desperate to hold this relationship together. Yes it takes two and when he lost his job I ran straight over there that day to console him. I didn't exactly make everything about me throughout the relationship.. But when he pushed me away, I did remind myself time after time to just be patient and let him cope. But how long is how long if someone doesn't communicate or want your help. Do I linger on to just settle for hope or confront the issues with him which contributed to me becoming more anxious and emotional.

 

The last thing he said when I asked him why distanced me, he lashed out in annoyance and replied" I am a person that deals with his own problems and burdens and puts it on himself, so that's why I will keep to myself. So yes I am distant" Which made me more tense and shocked at his harsh responses.

 

So in this situation leading towards are breakup, I wouldn't necessarily say, I made it about me. I understood and did try to be there. But from reading other posts, when you go thru obstacles in life as a couple you face it together and communicate. What I wanted WAS to be there for him . What I needed was for him to be honest. But moving on is best. I exercised today and did some housework to keep busy

 

Thanks for your comments, still sad, and yes help wouldn't hurt , but I am coping.

Edited December 29, 2014 by Broken ruby

[Itspointless]

Hi Ruby, it is hard, especially because others do not process things the same way as we do resulting in other wants. You did your best (at the time) and reacted to stress with the primary patterns that are yours. I am pushed away too. And yes I am also of the opinion that you should be there for the other when she is having a hard time. My reaction was different than yours, not better. She was honest with me but I can’t really say that it was better: she spoke alien to me as it was devoid of any human touch. The only thing that helped me was that I felt that I really couldn’t reach her, I only got her annoyed with me when I tried (I guess your ex is dismissive-avoidant too). It hurts, but what can we do? More than a year later the only answer I got is trying to accept it and working on myself. I advice you to try to work on the things we mentioned.

 

 

Good luck!

[Broken ruby]

So now he texts me this. I have been studying, analyzing, and breaking up this text to find meaning that it's pushing me backwards. Please help....

 

I posted here in the beginning of December last discussing how we had an ugly so called breakup over the phone. I had no contact with him since. today would have been our 2 yr anniversary. He had lost his job twice in 4 months before breakup but we we fighting a lot. I wanted to be there for him thru his financial struggles but he made me feel like I was an annoyance especially when I brought our relationship problems up.He became distant, cold, and mean when I was pouring my heart and respond with jerkish responses not having any empathy for my hurt feelings or giving me any reassurance that he loved me.The last phone conversation ended when I asked him why was he distant in which he admitted after the fact. I then said I really feel a certain kind away where he said "well I don't want that burden so you can move on if you want" which was the dagger to my gut. His cowardly way of wanting me to maybe just leave. I then last remember crying over the phone, saying bye twice and just hanging up in tears. I cried for weeks, he never contacted me. So there was the breakup, christmas and New Years past and nothing.

 

AND NOW HE SENDS ME THIS TEXT BELOW (today...our supposedly anniversary day)

 

"It was 2 years ago today that we met. Why we are miles apart from where we were. I hope that someday that our paths will cross again til then. I will cherish the happier times. Happy Anniversary!"

 

I have been doing good not contacting him, hanging out with friend and enjoying myself, healing and moving on. Although I miss him we still had issues and his lack of empathy hurt me deep along with other stuff.

 

Is it safe to even respond? If so what do I say or how? What does this text mean? Does he wanna get back or just doing a formal happy anniversary convo.

 

And where he says "why we are "I think he meant "while we are "in the text which changes the meaning to things completely. I am so lost right now

 

What do I do?

Edited January 21, 2015 by Broken ruby

[bigtrouble]

"It was 2 years ago today that we met. Why we are miles apart from where we were. I hope that someday that our paths will cross again til then. I will cherish the happier times. Happy Anniversary!"

What do I do?

 

He is in the process of Moving on... That's all I see in there...

[Purepony]

He has no work stability and refuses to grow up from what you wrote

be glad he's gone!

[blackcat777]

Don't reply, stay NC. Block his number so you can't get meaningless texts like this to interrupt your day.

 

1.5 months post BU... you're probably still very raw emotionally. I can understand how a message like this would send you into a tailspin, but I'd like to highlight part of this:

 

I hope that someday that our paths will cross again til then

 

^and the part that I'd like to highlight is that there is a glaring absence of any action to make this happen. This screams of laziness, disinterest, and... douchery.

 

Please block him. If he can't be bothered to do something to MAKE your paths cross again... if he doesn't care that much... he isn't worth your time, or your mental energy. All he's doing is selfishly interfering with your peace.

 

The relationship is over, you come first. Cut him off. It will sting initially, and then you will feel so much better.

[Broken ruby]

Thanks for advice. And blackcatt ... I think that's what I needed to hear. I have been in my bed all night not crying but figuring out my next step on how to approach this mentally. I have come a long way within this month but Am still struggling with not checking on his facebook.

 

I haven't been crying anymore which I know is a step. It just still hurts

 

Do you know I even called psychic hotlines out of desperation during my NC to get closure last week since he never really gave it to me. Some psychic named Gigi did say he would contact me thru writing but it wouldn't be genuine. Duh!!!

And he did now.

 

It wasn't until I got that $300 bill on my statement where I wanted to kick myself. But anyways, I accept that doing something that crazy was something I had to go thru for my healing process.

 

I see it's just another day to learn to live my life without him in it. And I am, but slowly. I just maybe hoped he would have apoligized or give me closure. Originally his phone number was deleted until now when he texted me. This text has me back in a loop thinking of him more in this moment then I was days ago. His birthday is also coming up. however I haven't responded, but I admit I can't stop myself from reading it over and over like a sick obsession and don't really wanna delete it either. It just stings

Edited January 21, 2015 by Broken ruby

[Light Breeze]

I just maybe hoped he would have apoligized or give me closure. Originally his phone number was deleted until now when he texted me.

 

A lot of exes don't apologize or give closure, probably a result of poorly developed set of social standards. I didn't get any from my ex but I accepted that I never will, and when I did, it took a lot of weight off my chest. I hope you find that acceptance too.

 

This text has me back in a loop thinking of him more in this moment then I was days ago. His birthday is also coming up. however I haven't responded, but I admit I can't stop myself reading it over and over like a sick obsession and don't really wanna delete it either. It just stings

 

You'll have to delete that text if you don't want it to haunt you while you're recovering. I had a text from my ex before we broke up and it was grand. I didn't delete it either. Then, I noticed that I read it at work, at home, when I'm out, virtually everywhere I go. I realized it was me, holding on to that last vestige of what we had together, it was setting me back. Long story short I deleted it, albeit with a heavy heart and right now I don't regret it one tiny bit. I guess what I'm trying to say is letting go of that one proof of your grand love with someone will always be extremely difficult but it should be done. That's a prime example of the phrase "love yourself".

 

Stay strong

Edited January 21, 2015 by Light Breeze

[Broken ruby]

His birthday is coming soon. I am starting to want to break my NC. would it hurt just to text him happy birthday based in the past text he sent in my previous post? I am starting to have withdrawals .

Edited January 23, 2015 by Broken ruby

[Purepony]

Don't waste your energy on that idiot he's not worth it.

Invest in you and don't forget were all here to help you get thru those hard moments

[frigginlost]

"It was 2 years ago today that we met. Why we are miles apart from where we were. I hope that someday that our paths will cross again til then. I will cherish the happier times. Happy Anniversary!"

 

As a guy, if one of my buddies sent that to his ex, I'd want to bust his jaw.

 

That is without a doubt one of the most self centered things I've ever read. What an ass. F'ing prick move that shows zero class.

 

How you did not send a "Oh hi, I'm in the middle of screwing someone, sorry" text back to him is amazing.

 

You deserve better. End of story.

[Broken ruby]

Thanks again for the advice. And a guys view does really help. I am going to continue my NC and continue to stay busy. I guess the loneliness just hits me hard when I come home and I just start missing him. Then I start to have my fantasies of reconciliation with him or wonder if he is even thinking of me. I guess I am still battling with not getting closure. There are days when I am up and empowered to just forget about him, and then there are days he stays on my mind.

 

And as far as that text he sent me, I never even responded in which I am so proud of myself. I do wonder if it stings him that I didn't though.

Edited January 23, 2015 by Broken ruby

[grok]

That's so effed up I can't even wrap my head around it. It's like he's playing mind games on purpose.

 

I feel like you and I are in the same boat and I completely understand all the thoughts and emotions running through your head. Hang in there!

[Rainoflight]

I consider him a douche too.

 

You should stay away from a person like him. He will be around only when he needs confort, like the moment when he sent you that message. When you will be in the mood and he will not, it will be terrible for you to cope.

 

He is very selfish and egocentric. It is hard Ruby, we all know, but you are among friends here. Instead of texting him, you can post here all the things you wanted to say.

 

It is for the better.

 

Stay strong and stay away.

[frigginlost]

And as far as that text he sent me, I never even responded in which I am so proud of myself. I do wonder if it stings him that I didn't though.

 

Yes.

 

Pricks like him need the validation. He would have seen it as a win if you responded not matter if it was happy, mad, sad, etc.

 

Now he has nothing to go off of and it will definitely screw with his ego...

[me85]

It's not your anniversary if you're broken up. He meant it in a sweet way but only to see if you would respond. You can respond, but if so, keep it short and rather meaningless. Like, "I know, it's crazy...hope you are well."

[Broken ruby]

Today I finally decided to delete that text after obsessively viewing it in my spare time. I cried for two minutes out of no where yesterday thinking of him. Maybe I was having false hopes that he would come to apologize, say he misses me or give me closure. But that it is not going to happen. As I was holding on to this text from him, I was falling back square one. I am hurting and almost want to call him and curse him out for what this has done to me. But I hope my silence says more to him, but then again he may not care that I never replied back to that happy anniversary text. I just wonder if he is hurting like me sometimes.

Edited January 25, 2015 by Broken ruby

[dyna85]

Brokenruby, stay strong. You are doing the best thing for you. I would strongly advise you NOT to text him happy birthday or anything of the sort in the future. Do NOT do it. Please. You did all the work to try to keep your union together and he exited without a care in the world and with no consideration for your feelings. Screw him. You can and will do better. He owes you a major apology, and I would accept nothing less if I were you. Even that would not undo the pain he's caused. Keep returning the favor of silence. He did you a favor by allowing you to be available for someone who truly cares. He's selfish and does not deserve you.