me2me2 Posted January 21, 2015 Posted January 21, 2015 My ex bf and I have had some major drama... and he continues to beg me back. I'm working to stay strong -- But, I'm curious -- how uncommon this really is.. he had trust issues with me -- fearful that I was still too friendly with my ex whom I have a child with. He hired a private detective to stake out his house and follow me. The day after I broke it off with my BF -- I had to stay at my ex husband's house because I lived with him -- and he had cut off my money supply -- and the friend I was staying with .... had accidentally locked me out. BF freaked out -- and basically said -- see I knew it! But, it was honestly the only thing I could do...versus staying overnight in my car. my BF also had a habit of taking his anger out on Facebook. When he started harassing me via text when I wouldn't respond to him -- he would unfriend me on Facebook and post things like "I can't believe I have been betrayed again...and it's such an insult when it's someone you let close to you..." This has got to be unusual behavior -- but is it unforgiveable?
frigginlost Posted January 21, 2015 Posted January 21, 2015 My ex bf and I have had some major drama... and he continues to beg me back. I'm working to stay strong -- But, I'm curious -- how uncommon this really is.. he had trust issues with me -- fearful that I was still too friendly with my ex whom I have a child with. He hired a private detective to stake out his house and follow me. The day after I broke it off with my BF -- I had to stay at my ex husband's house because I lived with him -- and he had cut off my money supply -- and the friend I was staying with .... had accidentally locked me out. BF freaked out -- and basically said -- see I knew it! But, it was honestly the only thing I could do...versus staying overnight in my car. my BF also had a habit of taking his anger out on Facebook. When he started harassing me via text when I wouldn't respond to him -- he would unfriend me on Facebook and post things like "I can't believe I have been betrayed again...and it's such an insult when it's someone you let close to you..." This has got to be unusual behavior -- but is it unforgiveable? You can always forgive, but you absolutely need to move on. He was Waaaay out of line. Seriously? A private detective? Wow. Think of it like this: If you were to forgive and forget, he will still have absolutely zero trust in you based on his actions. What kind of life is that for you and your little one?
Rejected Rosebud Posted January 21, 2015 Posted January 21, 2015 I'm sure you have something else to do than talk about guys again, did you get a bunny or cat and how is your son?
Sweetescape910 Posted January 21, 2015 Posted January 21, 2015 My ex bf and I have had some major drama... and he continues to beg me back. I'm working to stay strong -- But, I'm curious -- how uncommon this really is.. he had trust issues with me -- fearful that I was still too friendly with my ex whom I have a child with. He hired a private detective to stake out his house and follow me. The day after I broke it off with my BF -- I had to stay at my ex husband's house because I lived with him -- and he had cut off my money supply -- and the friend I was staying with .... had accidentally locked me out. BF freaked out -- and basically said -- see I knew it! But, it was honestly the only thing I could do...versus staying overnight in my car. my BF also had a habit of taking his anger out on Facebook. When he started harassing me via text when I wouldn't respond to him -- he would unfriend me on Facebook and post things like "I can't believe I have been betrayed again...and it's such an insult when it's someone you let close to you..." This has got to be unusual behavior -- but is it unforgiveable? This guy is too immature. How I would react? Terrified. Id dead him.
Rejected Rosebud Posted January 21, 2015 Posted January 21, 2015 Oh yes I think my last post was off topic I'm sorry! How I'd react to it: I would never speak of him again!
bigtrouble Posted January 21, 2015 Posted January 21, 2015 My ex bf and I have had some major drama... and he continues to beg me back. I'm working to stay strong -- But, I'm curious -- how uncommon this really is.. he had trust issues with me -- fearful that I was still too friendly with my ex whom I have a child with. He hired a private detective to stake out his house and follow me. The day after I broke it off with my BF -- I had to stay at my ex husband's house because I lived with him -- and he had cut off my money supply -- and the friend I was staying with .... had accidentally locked me out. BF freaked out -- and basically said -- see I knew it! But, it was honestly the only thing I could do...versus staying overnight in my car. my BF also had a habit of taking his anger out on Facebook. When he started harassing me via text when I wouldn't respond to him -- he would unfriend me on Facebook and post things like "I can't believe I have been betrayed again...and it's such an insult when it's someone you let close to you..." This has got to be unusual behavior -- but is it unforgiveable? Move on... NC and heal... his behavior due to rejection is alarming. He clearly does not respect you.
Trimmer Posted January 21, 2015 Posted January 21, 2015 Is it unusual behavior? Yes. So many posters (including other threads) have answered this so many times. Are you repeating it in the hopes that someone will tell you that there's a reason for it and that it's somehow normal (and perhaps "your fault"?) His behavior is not normal - it is extreme and worrying. You should not be calling him your boyfriend any more, you should be blocking him in every way possible, and you should be figuring out how to straighten out your life in a way that allows you to rebuild your stability and your relationship with your son. Anything that threatens these two factors (the stability of your life and your relationship with your son) should be recognized as a negative factor. Your ex-boyfriend threatens BOTH of these.
Author me2me2 Posted January 21, 2015 Author Posted January 21, 2015 Thanks for the responses here -- I KNOW deep down that I shouldn't be talking about my ex boyfriend etc etc...but I just can't seem to get over it. A therapist told me that I probably have love addiction -- so that makes this situation that much worse. I have gone back and forth TOO many times in the past couple of days and need support. I'm grateful for the support I received here. He has begged me back -- said that he wants to believe me and know that I won't lie to him anymore... The problem is really centered around my ex husband -- he thinks I have been too close to him and he believes that he would try to get back together with me. So in a recent conversation he was talking about how my ex husband would probably say to him -- "see I got her back"....and my ex BF said (to me) that his response would be "well I paid the rent on her for a few months..." .. You can keep her.." I was aghast that he said that....he said that was just "guy talk" and how men see this stuff... that it can be a bit like a competition... and that he doesn't want to compete with my ex. So does that mean that it's excusable for him to read ALL Of my text messages from my ex husband? And need to be in the room for EVERY phone conversation I have with him? Maybe I'm nuts - but I feel that as long as I keep proper boundaries in place -- my partner shouldn't have to be inspecting all my text messages etc.
evanescentworld Posted January 21, 2015 Posted January 21, 2015 Question back atcha: Why the hell, in the name of all that's logical and holy, have you STILL NOT BLOCKED HIM??? Jeesh, do I really have to come over there, grab your phone and stamp on it, fer chrissakes - ?! 1
Author me2me2 Posted January 21, 2015 Author Posted January 21, 2015 I know -- it sounds like the easy decision ....and it has been anything but.... What's wrong with me? I think my biggest problem is that my therapist visit left me feeling responsible (partly) for his jealousy and behavior... But, at the end of the day -- he would be having me move 3 hours away from my son -- and I would be down to every other weekend with him....and summers....because my ex husband is not going to play ball with me...I don't believe. It's just tough because I can't seem to stop feeding the addiction ..so to speak.
Light Breeze Posted January 21, 2015 Posted January 21, 2015 It's just tough because I can't seem to stop feeding the addiction ..so to speak. Yup, it's an addiction. Attachment to someone is an addiction caused by hormones in your brain, so you have to forcefully stop feeding it. That's why you go no contact, it is hard but you should decide to do it. Personally, going NC was one of the best decision I made regarding my BU. You can do it!
Quiet Storm Posted January 21, 2015 Posted January 21, 2015 If he is this concerned about your ex, then every time you want to see your son, it's going to be some big drama and argument. He will make it really difficult for you, with the expectation that eventually you will get tired of dealing with it and decide it's just not worth it to visit your son anymore. That is not right. His behavior shows that his anxiety is ruling him... trying to control you, getting a PI, putting guilt trips on you about time with your son. His concern is not about you, your son, your role as a mother or your son's well being. He is only concerned with relieving his anxiety, and he does that by attempting to control you or get information to support his suspicions. You really need to end this because you will end up seriously regretting being involved with this guy. Your relationship with him already jeopardizes your relationship with your son. Your ex may make things even more restrictive for you if he knows your ex is having his house staked out. You also need intense counseling for your "love addiction", as it is not normal that your mind is so consumed with this. Your mind should be thinking of a plan to have your own place where your child can come visit you. As a mother, your child's best interests should be first in your mind. I don't feel that with you. I feel like your main concern is finding a way to keep this relationship going, and your son is an afterthought. Your son is becoming the collateral damage of your emotional issues and dysfunctional relationships, and that is just sad. It doesn't have to be this way. Get help.
Trimmer Posted January 21, 2015 Posted January 21, 2015 What's wrong with me? I think my biggest problem is that my therapist visit left me feeling responsible (partly) for his jealousy and behavior... I gave a longer answer in your other thread, but I have to address this. While you may have done things in that relationship that contributed to a negative dynamic - yes, and let's say that maybe you even did things that might have contributed to his feelings of jealousy - his behavior is absolutely 100% his responsibility, and that is the thing that should warn you off of any relationship with him. Say you acted in a way that raised a question or a feeling in your ex-BF. Fine, you can take responsibility for that, and maybe in a healthy relationship, you might choose to do that thing differently in the future. But the choices your ex-BF made in how he behaved and reacted to those questions and feelings are 100% his responsibility. In addition, the choices he made about how to react tell you something very important about him that is completely separate from your specific relationship or anything you did: this is how he responds to situations within a relationship. He is paranoid, controlling, extreme, angry, and unreasonable. You did not create a paranoid, controlling, extreme, angry, unreasonable person - all of these things are already a part of his character, just waiting to be stimulated by the dynamics and stresses of even the most normal of relationships. So be careful and honest with yourself when you go down that road of "I caused him to act that way." That may be true in a particular sense, but he is that person, and I suspect you will find that any relationship will cause him to act in those ways. Point being: don't take that as an excuse to go back. Don't fool yourself. Don't sabotage yourself. (And either find another counselor, or be more honest with the one you have, in case you were sugar-coating your descriptions of your relationship with your ex-BF and making him sound more reasonable than he is...)
Author me2me2 Posted January 21, 2015 Author Posted January 21, 2015 Thank you so much....Yes, I need to recognize exactly this.... I have started that blame game...thinking that I should reconsider because I thought maybe I was the cause or the trigger of his actions. But, here's what I have come down to -- my BF knew I had no money. He knew I was struggling with the fact that I had to ask permission and have my location tracker on -- in order to go visit my son (3 hours away).... I asked him for money -- to help me survive while I was there -- He didn't. I had no gas money. He cut the credit card -- so I couldn't even stay at a hotel. Then he went MIA and wouldn't respond to my texts or calls. And he said that was proof I should have just come home -- so instead he unfriended me on Facebook -- posted negative comments eluding to the fact that I betrayed him... and then told me via text that he was done. And he did not give me any money to survive.. That's not good...and it's proof that -- even though he thought I quit my job to be with him -- he's not willing to have my back ...and fund my survival... He said the reason that he didn't help me financially -- is because I didn't ask him in the right manner..... In addition, the choices he made about how to react tell you something very important about him that is completely separate from your specific relationship or anything you did: this is how he responds to situations within a relationship. He is paranoid, controlling, extreme, angry, and unreasonable. You did not create a paranoid, controlling, extreme, angry, unreasonable person - all of these things are already a part of his character, just waiting to be stimulated by the dynamics and stresses of even the most normal of relationships. So be careful and honest with yourself when you go down that road of "I caused him to act that way." That may be true in a particular sense, but he is that person, and I suspect you will find that any relationship will cause him to act in those ways. Point being: don't take that as an excuse to go back. Don't fool yourself. Don't sabotage yourself. (And either find another counselor, or be more honest with the one you have, in case you were sugar-coating your descriptions of your relationship with your ex-BF and making him sound more reasonable than he is...)
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