GemmaUK Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 Every time there was a very important, meaningful, personal event in my life, a fight would happen just before the event, either a day or a couple days, or even a few hours before the event. I thought back and looked at my old journals, and at all the suddenly-canceled events in my calendar (canceled due to an argument or sudden mood change a day prior), and the pattern emerged, clear as day. Every time, without fail. If my emotional attention was not on him, he would find a way, whether he was aware or not, to divert my attention back to him, for better or for worse. It wasn't always a negative distraction; sometimes it would be surprise sex, where I would be ready to go out or be fully prepared for an event, and he would seduce me. When that didn't work, he would pout and gulit trip me, or we'd argue because I would request to be left alone or be given some space. My last ex did these things also. Really early on my family came to visit from Aus and I hadn't seen my SIL and Niece for 2 years and hadn't seen my Brother for 10 years. My now ex (who was long distance) got put out of place badly when I mentioned I wouldn't be free for calls and texts as much as I was going to be busy with my folks. He figured that as I was to be ducking in and out of work (it was a busy time at work so I worked around when my folks were not seeing friends of theirs) and having a few full days off that I would be free much more for contact. He didn't get it at all. I had never experienced this kind of reaction before from anyone so had no clue it was a warning sign of worse to come. As regards your second paragraph my ex tried to initiate sex just 10 minutes before we were about to leave the house and meet one of my best friends. I didn't go for it as we had plans and I was all dressed up for a night out. He pouted a lot that night and sulked and eventually we left early as he was clearly (and obviously to my friend) in a bad mood. This was actually only one of two times in 7 months that he initiated sex - the other time was not pleasant and it was a few weeks later. He was in a bad mood with me that day as it was Christmas and we were staying with his sister and her family, his parents were there too and he got stroppy with me for leaving the room and not saying where I was going. I was only doing the same as everyone else including him and leaving the living room to visit the toilet. He said I needed to say where I was going. I was 43 years old! I shouldn't have to say I am going to the toilet! I refused to 'announce' that I was going to the toilet to a room of 7 people including twin boys aged 12. This led to a horrible night once it got to bedtime. I didn't say no but I tried to push him off me. He never said a word. It's only looking back on it that I realise what happened. Other sexy times (which were initiated by me) I became aware that there was no give and take. It was only take on his part. He asked me one time what I liked (I had asked him also and listened/acted upon it) but as soon as I had told him he said 'that's too difficult'. It's funny but no other man I have dated has said that and usually my sex life with a guy is good, fun, often and something we both totally enjoy. On the other hand, if HE wanted space of to be left alone, I had to submit to it without fail, or I would be blamed for being "needy". I can understand that in him..for me it wasn't the same. I was so very smothered that any chance when he went quiet on me for a few hours I would not send any more texts than the one he didn't reply to. I was happy to have the break. It drove him crazy and once we spoke to each other he would get narky with me for not having sent text after text asking where he was or what he was doing. Lovesick, there is a book I am reading just now which page after page is spot on about my last ex. I wanted to get into it more before mentioning it to you - but it's the best I have read so far (of several). It's called Toads and the Women Who Kiss Them. Aunty Alex's Army Manual. How to Free Yourself from the Narcissist. I only had 5 months of issues with my ex after I split with him so not as bad as it could have been. This book though is very spot on (and pretty funny too) about how life was when I was with the guy. Like some others I think this was 'how he lived' and what he perceived as normal. He had some major problems with his family and them not doing as he expected/wanted. Friends also. He had a big problem when a friend invited him to a BBQ. Said friend had arranged it on a day a rugby game was on. My ex liked rugby. He said his friend was being disrespectful for arranging it that day and asked him to re-arrange. 30 people were attending. My ex's friend didn't re-arrange so my ex broke contact with him. My ex bragged about training his German Shepherd dog (who he'd had a several years ago) to the point where if he forgot to tell the dog to eat breakfast then my ex could return home 12 hours later and the dog was sat at his bowl in the same spot and had not dared to touch the food. No animal should be that scared of it's human in my opinion.
MadJackBird Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 No, they don't change. I mean, it's possible I guess, but it would take an awful lot of therapy and introspection, which they would recoil from. So no, they don't change. They simply move on to the next person like my ex did as well. My ex actually got engaged 5 months after I told him to F off in a text. I guess he realized I was done with him and quickly jumped to someone he probably had lined up while we were together. They idealize you, then discard you. All of this will happen to the next person. Trust me, it's no prize that she won, so don't feel like you are missing out on a great catch. All of your feelings I greatly empathize with. The feelings of never being good enough no matter what you do. My ex actually said to my face, "I don't accept you for who you are." How awful right? Then, when I cried about that, he offered no comfort but simply said, "I feel sorry for you." He looked at me with no sympathy, like I was sub-human, not even there. I can also relate to the "new and improved" GF, in his case fiance. His new woman is, to a tee, everything on paper that he wanted. It's kinda scary actually, and she is a lot like his first wife. He really idealized that relationship, so it's like he's circling back to his old supply to abuse. All of your feelings are normal, and they are very difficult to sort through. You've just had your heart, and your very being, put into a blender, while the other person walked away and felt very little. You've had someone disrespect who you are, and that changes you at your core. If we had better boundaries and self-respect at the time, we would have realized this behavior was unacceptable and walked away. That lack of boundaries and self-respect is what will make you a sitting duck for abusers, narcs, and anyone who seeks to take advantage of others. You probably need to take some time for yourself and just build your self-esteem back up. Agree with this. My former wife wasn't a narc, more likely borderline personality disorder. However she has some narc tendencies. They are all somewhat related with cluster B personality disorders. There is no drug that will help a personality disorder, but usually they suffer from other things as well. My former wife had huge anxiety issues and she got put on Zoloft. Once she was on Zoloft she declared herself healed and has proceeded to shift blame to everyone else. It's very very difficult to deal with. Be thankful you can walk away and never look back. Many of us who have children with Narc or BPD will constantly have to live the push/pull crap as we navigate co-parenting. 1
Author lovesickgirl Posted January 23, 2015 Author Posted January 23, 2015 Thanks for all the support members ! I think the NC rule is going to be my best bet as hard as it is. I was just reflecting the other day about how his new gf was a girl that peaked my interest for months before we broke up. Makes sense now because he was securing new supply before discarding me. I remember after we broke up and I had brought her up he said she's just my friend, I do have at least 3 other girls I'm talking to right now. Now that I and his side girl no longer wants him I wouldn't be surprised if one of those 3 girls is his new side treat.
mtber75 Posted January 23, 2015 Posted January 23, 2015 I don't think he is narcissist. He is very insecure and have abandonment issues. He is very clingy because he don't want to loose you.... So he will abandon you before you abandon him. He can't live with the though of being abandon.
Author lovesickgirl Posted January 24, 2015 Author Posted January 24, 2015 People with abandonment issues don't have a stable of women that he can't emotionally and empathetically tend too. Look up cerebral narcissism to better understand the disorder.
Author lovesickgirl Posted January 24, 2015 Author Posted January 24, 2015 I read a great article today http://esteemology.com/he-left-me-and-now-hes-with-her/ I really liked what was said here "The difference between one target and the next usually lies in the duration of the hot phase. If a target is playing hard to get and does not easily submit to his charm, he will very likely pull out all the stops and his pursuit could last a long time. I had a reader tell me that she had a man pursue her for almost a year and when she finally did say, ‘I love you,’ it was like a switch went off and in just a matter of weeks he had turned his eye to someone else. Narcissists love the chase, not the prey." I asked my ex why he fell out of love with me, his response "because you didn't give me a chase anymore, I knew I had you and you were always around" I think after two years you would be comfortable with your partner not necessarily a "chase"
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