lovesickgirl Posted January 21, 2015 Posted January 21, 2015 After much research on what happened to my relationship as of recent I have come to the conclusion I have been dating a narcissist. Does anyone here have experience with dating a cerebral narcissist? This basically sums up my relation with my ex Plus the fact he was able to cheat on me for a year with the same girl and convince me I'm the crazy one for snooping and accusing him. The life of a Narcissist is filled with paradoxes. He desires the stability that a loving relationship brings, but he cannot tolerate routine and boredom. He fears being abandoned, yet feels claustrophobic and has an uncontrollable desire to flee. He seeks love and adoration from others, but wants to be alone. Always remember that the primary goal of a Narcissist is to obtain Narcissistic Supply. Everything he does – everything – is to alleviate the anxieties that come with his impairment. He currently has secured new supply but I'm left feeling so broken and having a hard time letting go and moving (not that I want him back) I feel mentally drained and as though the life has been sucked out of me. He has mentally abused me in so many ways that I felt brainwashed to stay. How do I recover at this point? 2
SycamoreCircle Posted January 21, 2015 Posted January 21, 2015 Go full blown NC. Read the guide on LS. Read other people's stories. Read mine. It's my first post and what brought me to LS. I had never heard of Narcissistic Personality Disorder prior to. It's OK to feel all that you're feeling. Keep the people who care about you close. Share your story with them. Lean on them. -Take walks. -Practice mindfulness and meditation. -Trust that time will heal this. -Find someone to help, even if in just a small way. -Get outside of yourself. -Take yourself on a date. Go to a nice dinner and then a show. Look your best. -Know that you're going to not be yourself for a while. -Realize that this is not your fault. -Post on LS. Get this venom out of you. -If you can afford it, take an extended trip to a place you've never been. Somewhere exotic and alien. You are going to suffer a roller coaster of emotion. It's OK. You'll feel like you're making progress and then suffer a setback. Trust it. With true NC, you can be happy and whole again. 5
Author lovesickgirl Posted January 21, 2015 Author Posted January 21, 2015 Thank you Sycamore! Nothing was about me and all of my needs and wants were about him and his needs and wants. I was miserable and before I knew it 2 years had gone by. He didn’t want children, He didn’t believe in marriage, My dreams were non- existent because I didn’t exist. Nothing about me mattered. It was like I was a shell of who I used to be. I was his girl and that was the extent of my identity. I read about co-dependency and that would describe me to a ‘T’. I feel I have no identity of my own and I was completely enveloped and lost in my relationship with him and that’s how it had to be if I wanted to be with him. I went from Ms.Independent to Ms.Dependent 1
rbrock2323 Posted January 21, 2015 Posted January 21, 2015 Go out and meet a "nice guy"...they're usually shy and not obsessed with gaining attention from others. Women usually look right past these guys and pick out the narcissist.. 1
Author lovesickgirl Posted January 21, 2015 Author Posted January 21, 2015 He's not a somatic narc He's a cerebral narc I did go after the "shy, introverted good guy" 3
clevelander321 Posted January 21, 2015 Posted January 21, 2015 My ex wife had many narcissitic tendencies.. She accused me of keeping her as property, yet wanted to be helpless. She had thousands of selfies on facebook while I was blocked from her page.. She cheated but claimed we were "separated"..Asking any question of her and she went into a rage. gaslighting.. On and on.. Just meet someone new.. That is the best way to get over a narcissist.. Go no contact.. 2
whichwayisup Posted January 21, 2015 Posted January 21, 2015 You surround yourself with your friends and family, allow them to help build you back up. Seek counseling to help rid of the emotional abuse and mental abuse he inflicted upon you. Just know that NONE of this is your fault, he brain washed you on some level and manipulated you. The good thing is, the spell is broken and now cutting him out of your life on all levels has to happen if it hasn't yet. Stay strong. 2
Author lovesickgirl Posted January 21, 2015 Author Posted January 21, 2015 (edited) He had no empathy towards me at all My grandfather who was a HUGE father figure in my life and meant the world to me passed away last year. When he passed I of course turn to my partner for comfort that's where he said "he died get over it, everybody dies alone. You will enter this world alone and leave this world alone get used to it. I can't give you comfort when your crying as much as you are please go be with your family" But when his best friend passed away in an accident he bawled his eyes out to me and needed me every day. Edited January 21, 2015 by lovesickgirl 1
rbrock2323 Posted January 21, 2015 Posted January 21, 2015 I did go after the "shy, introverted good guy" Sure doesn't sound like it...introverts value honesty and trust. 1
SycamoreCircle Posted January 21, 2015 Posted January 21, 2015 Any time you have the tendency to churn something that happened between the two of you over in your mind, stop. Recognize it. Tell yourself that this part of your life is done and put it out of your mind. It's a muscle you will have to build. The more you exercise, the speedier your recovery. Don't give this slime any more of your time. Don't date anyone, either. Not for a while. Focus on you. Develop a new hobby. Go to the library and put your finger on any random book. Talk to strangers. Say something to the lonely elderly man at the grocery store. There's plenty of people out there starved for an emotional morsel---who deserve it. 2
GemmaUK Posted January 21, 2015 Posted January 21, 2015 Sure doesn't sound like it...introverts value honesty and trust. Introverted narcs value these things for themselves. Introverted narcs do exist. OP, write things down, email yourself. Mail me on here if you like. 1
BC1980 Posted January 21, 2015 Posted January 21, 2015 The best advice I can give is to go NC for good, forever. Never look to him for validation in any way, shape, or form because that is what narcissists want. That is how they suck you in and break you. They prey on people pleasers with no boundaries because you will constantly try to win their approval and affection, which, of course, you can't. So you provide them a never ending supply to abuse. Begin to trust in yourself, and know that you matter, you count. Whatever your dreams and goals in life, they are important independent of this guy. It doesn't happen overnight, but you will get to a point where his opinion of you no longer matters. 2
BC1980 Posted January 21, 2015 Posted January 21, 2015 He's not a somatic narc He's a cerebral narc I did go after the "shy, introverted good guy" *Sigh* So did I. Some people truly are the proverbial wolf in sheep's clothing, but I would also caution you not to give too much energy to the WHY, WHAT, and HOW of his problems. Of course, you need to understand some of it, but, I believe, only so that you can understand how you fit into the dynamic. Figure out why you were in that relationship, and change it. Because when you persist in dysfunction (as I did for 3 years, so I get it), you are also getting something out of it. The relationship is doing something for you too, as it did something for him. If you can figure all of that out and make peace with it, you have a great opportunity to change and move forward in a healthy, positive way. 3
BC1980 Posted January 21, 2015 Posted January 21, 2015 He had no empathy towards me at all My grandfather who was a HUGE father figure in my life and meant the world to me passed away last year. When he passed I of course turn to my partner for comfort that's where he said "he died get over it, everybody dies alone. You will enter this world alone and leave this world alone get used to it. I can't give you comfort when your crying as much as you are please go be with your family" But when his best friend passed away in an accident he bawled his eyes out to me and needed me every day. That is awful. Honestly, that alone is grounds for blocking this person from your life forever. No one should have to even deal with that type of treatment from a stranger, let alone a person you love and trust. Sadly, I experienced many similar situations. I was the recipient of a rather cruel email from my ex's father that maligned my appearance and insinuated I wasn't good enough for his son (the father was just an awful person as well). It was truly ridiculous because he had a problem that I usually wear jeans, not slacks or dresses. That was the main problem he had if you can even imagine. I was understandably very rattled and upset to the point of crying about it, and my ex actually walked away from me and showed no emotion. He said that I could send an email back to his father if I wanted to but otherwise needed to brush it off. Never said it was a terrible, awful thing to send an email like that to me after I had been so open to his father when he had visited. Never even attempted to comfort me or understand my pain in any way. He just didn't "get it" and didn't care to. It's one of many instances that stayed ingrained in my mind, and I can even remember what I was wearing that day. Whenever I have had any second guessing about my ex, I remember that instance among others. You should do the same, and keep doing it until you realize that your feelings are worth something. 3
Author lovesickgirl Posted January 21, 2015 Author Posted January 21, 2015 The best advice I can give is to go NC for good, forever. Never look to him for validation in any way, shape, or form because that is what narcissists want. That is how they suck you in and break you. They prey on people pleasers with no boundaries because you will constantly try to win their approval and affection, which, of course, you can't. So you provide them a never ending supply to abuse. Begin to trust in yourself, and know that you matter, you count. Whatever your dreams and goals in life, they are important independent of this guy. It doesn't happen overnight, but you will get to a point where his opinion of you no longer matters. Do narcs ever change? He has a new gf and everyone thinks they are so cute together. I obviously concur. I should feel blessed to be rid of such a person but I feel kind of subpar, he called her the "new and improved" gf. I gave him everything and it STILL was never enough. Do you think his narc tendencies will come out again for his new girl? 2
Author lovesickgirl Posted January 21, 2015 Author Posted January 21, 2015 Introverted narcs value these things for themselves. Introverted narcs do exist. OP, write things down, email yourself. Mail me on here if you like. How do I send private messages on here? I can't amen to figure it out
GemmaUK Posted January 21, 2015 Posted January 21, 2015 How do I send private messages on here? I can't amen to figure it out I think you need to post a bit more and then you can mail people. I can't mail you just now. Do a few more posts and you can mail. I don't think it takes a lot. It's number of posts or number of days on here - not sure which. 1
BC1980 Posted January 21, 2015 Posted January 21, 2015 Do narcs ever change? He has a new gf and everyone thinks they are so cute together. I obviously concur. I should feel blessed to be rid of such a person but I feel kind of subpar, he called her the "new and improved" gf. I gave him everything and it STILL was never enough. Do you think his narc tendencies will come out again for his new girl? No, they don't change. I mean, it's possible I guess, but it would take an awful lot of therapy and introspection, which they would recoil from. So no, they don't change. They simply move on to the next person like my ex did as well. My ex actually got engaged 5 months after I told him to F off in a text. I guess he realized I was done with him and quickly jumped to someone he probably had lined up while we were together. They idealize you, then discard you. All of this will happen to the next person. Trust me, it's no prize that she won, so don't feel like you are missing out on a great catch. All of your feelings I greatly empathize with. The feelings of never being good enough no matter what you do. My ex actually said to my face, "I don't accept you for who you are." How awful right? Then, when I cried about that, he offered no comfort but simply said, "I feel sorry for you." He looked at me with no sympathy, like I was sub-human, not even there. I can also relate to the "new and improved" GF, in his case fiance. His new woman is, to a tee, everything on paper that he wanted. It's kinda scary actually, and she is a lot like his first wife. He really idealized that relationship, so it's like he's circling back to his old supply to abuse. All of your feelings are normal, and they are very difficult to sort through. You've just had your heart, and your very being, put into a blender, while the other person walked away and felt very little. You've had someone disrespect who you are, and that changes you at your core. If we had better boundaries and self-respect at the time, we would have realized this behavior was unacceptable and walked away. That lack of boundaries and self-respect is what will make you a sitting duck for abusers, narcs, and anyone who seeks to take advantage of others. You probably need to take some time for yourself and just build your self-esteem back up. 3
Satu Posted January 21, 2015 Posted January 21, 2015 The main thing is to maintain total no contact. No direct contact. No contact via third party. No social media. No 'little bird' feeding you news. Beyond that its whatever your instincts suggest. 2
Author lovesickgirl Posted January 21, 2015 Author Posted January 21, 2015 Blows my mind that there is such a textbook relationship of a narcissist It makes me feel like I am dealing with a strategic social path. I've been reading these other articles of women caught in cerebral narc relations and how identical it is to my relation with him. Every time there was a very important, meaningful, personal event in my life, a fight would happen just before the event, either a day or a couple days, or even a few hours before the event. I thought back and looked at my old journals, and at all the suddenly-canceled events in my calendar (canceled due to an argument or sudden mood change a day prior), and the pattern emerged, clear as day. Every time, without fail. If my emotional attention was not on him, he would find a way, whether he was aware or not, to divert my attention back to him, for better or for worse. It wasn't always a negative distraction; sometimes it would be surprise sex, where I would be ready to go out or be fully prepared for an event, and he would seduce me. When that didn't work, he would pout and gulit trip me, or we'd argue because I would request to be left alone or be given some space. On the other hand, if HE wanted space of to be left alone, I had to submit to it without fail, or I would be blamed for being "needy". 1
BC1980 Posted January 21, 2015 Posted January 21, 2015 Blows my mind that there is such a textbook relationship of a narcissist It makes me feel like I am dealing with a strategic social path. I think the strategy is on a spectrum. I think my ex knew what he was doing, but he had probably operated that way for so long that it was just the way he was. He was just living life. Our relationship wasn't his first time round the block. He was a bully to his son, and he would actually talk about the times he made his first wife cry and had been disappointed in her for certain things. So he had been there, done that, and he had dated a lot of women in the past. I was thinking the other day about how he would buy me a lot of things. Take me on all these trips. I always thought how nice it was that he would spend his money on me, but, when I look back on it, the gifts were always some benefit to him as well. When he would say he was taking me on a trip, it was always a place he had been wanting to go. Whenever I mentioned a place to go, it was ignored. He had this rock wall built in his backyard that he had wanted for a long time, but he presented it to me as my Christmas gift one year. So yeah, it's a strategy on some level, and people know what they are doing. They may not have any empathy or guilt regarding their actions, but they know what they are doing. It's truly crazy when I look back on it. I'd keep a list if I were you. I have a list that I refer to, and it helped me bring objectivity into the situation when I was too emotional to wade through it all. 2
Taramere Posted January 21, 2015 Posted January 21, 2015 Do narcs ever change? He has a new gf and everyone thinks they are so cute together. I obviously concur. I should feel blessed to be rid of such a person but I feel kind of subpar, he called her the "new and improved" gf. I gave him everything and it STILL was never enough. Do you think his narc tendencies will come out again for his new girl? I think if somebody has a very narcissistic personality, then there's always going to be a strong tendency towards selfishness. I'm dubious about some of the stuff I've read about narcissism. I think a lot of it is geared towards encouraging people to get out of unhealthy relationships with narcissism, rather than being terribly objective and honest. For a start, narcissism is a very common human trait - and modern society encourages a lot more of it. Lots of people are highly narcissistic in their adolescence, and grow out of it. Others, for whom narcissism is more of a long term and entrenched problem may learn (with time and experience) to be more about give and take in relationships, even if it doesn't come naturally to them. However I do think the bottom line with narcissistic people is that if you're ever in a very vulnerable place where you need a partner to be loving and supportive, or get into a conflict with them that threatens the image they like to have of themselves, the chances are high that the narcissistic person (even if they've been genuinely trying to be a good partner) will bail out or turn abusive. I should think any decent person hearing your ex talk about having a "new and improved girlfriend" (especially if they're talking like that in a context where you're likely to witness it) will think he's being a complete dick. Even if they don't come out and say it. And yes, I should imagine sooner or later his narcissistic tendencies will come to the fore and cause problems in this new relationship. It's likely that she'll eventually find herself being compared unfavourably to you or some other woman - the moment she puts a foot wrong, or asserts her individuality, or does anything that results in him thinking she needs to be cut down. How he behaved was a product of who he is as a person. It's not a reflection on you. 3
rbrock2323 Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 Sounds like you people don't know the difference between introversion and being fooled by someone good at playing the game.
Ebelskiver Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 Introverts are not saints! They are human and as such run the gamut from honest to low down dirty liar. Just because someone is introverted does not mean they are not manipulative or mentally ill. 2
BC1980 Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 Sounds like you people don't know the difference between introversion and being fooled by someone good at playing the game. Honestly, the label doesn't matter. It's dysfunctional and unacceptable behavior. 2
Recommended Posts