Redhead14 Posted January 21, 2015 Posted January 21, 2015 me and this guy met in November. We were going on dates, and we had sex. he got out of a 7 year relationship a month before. In the beginning he even said "but I'd like to be with you aside from the sex is what you fail to realize" He texted me every day, told me he likes me a lot and I'm not just sex. We would hang out without having sex. He talked about meeting parents and maybe taking me to his best friend's wedding in May. one day he was acting distant and I went crazy texting him 50 times. he told me he was done. we went a week without talking and then we grabbed lunch 2 weeks ago. he paid, and we didnt have sex.* he then told me he's not looking for a relationship. I asked him if there were feelings and he said "I did have feelings" and he said "Idk what I want and I dont want to lead you on." Then I asked if this was my fault and he said "it definitely isnt you" then this past thurs we had sex and got lunch after. A week ago I asked him if he wanted to have sex. he said "can't have class" then I said "when can you" he said "idk shay in class can't talk" then I asked if he still wanted to have sex in general, and he didn't answer. Hours later I apologized for asking and he said "it's ok babe." It's been a week havent heard from him. 1. Did he ever have any feelings for me? Or was he just using me for sex? 2. Does he not wanna be with me because I messed up or was he never looking for a relationship to begin with? 3. If I messed up with the 50 texts, why did he hang out with me after? 4. What is your proof if he was or was not just using me for sex? You two spent time together without having sex and he told you he wasn't only in it for the sex. He was talking about meeting his friends and about the future. There are three indicators from him that say he wasn't only in it for sex. ONE day you felt he was being distant and you went crazy on him. That's all it takes when it is early in the dating process with anyone. He hung out with you after because now he views you differently and since you are willing to have sex, he's only in it for sex because you are throwing it at him. He had feelings for you but they've changed because of needy, clingy behavior. Men and woman don't want to think that a future with someone will take away their freedom, independence and space. You were pushing a relationship after about 2 months instead of allowing it to develop naturally and mutually. 1
SycamoreCircle Posted January 21, 2015 Posted January 21, 2015 OP, how many times are you going to ask the same question? You've posted variations of the same question at least 3 times with a sufficient parade of answers. Are you holding out for the single, solitary soul who'll tell you YES, HE USED YOU FOR SEX! Get a grip. 2
preraph Posted January 21, 2015 Posted January 21, 2015 He was excited to have a new girl for awhile, but it didn't last for him through no fault of your own. I'm sorry. At least he was honest. 1
Redhead14 Posted January 21, 2015 Posted January 21, 2015 You two spent time together without having sex and he told you he wasn't only in it for the sex. He was talking about meeting his friends and about the future. There are three indicators from him that say he wasn't only in it for sex. ONE day you felt he was being distant and you went crazy on him. That's all it takes when it is early in the dating process with anyone. He hung out with you after because now he views you differently and since you are willing to have sex, he's only in it for sex because you are throwing it at him. He had feelings for you but they've changed because of needy, clingy behavior. Men and woman don't want to think that a future with someone will take away their freedom, independence and space. You were pushing a relationship after about 2 months instead of allowing it to develop naturally and mutually. I also want to add, that what I said above is assuming this man had decided for himself he was ready to move on. We could assume too that he was on the rebound. If that were so, the same principles apply and would allow you to have enough conversation and know him a little better and get a better sense of where he's at. He did tell you some things that maybe could have been about him telling you things you wanted to hear, but observing his actions over a period of time before having sex with him would have given you some kind of "heads up". It appears you are inexperienced at dating. Spend some time dating a couple of people at time without intimacy. Manage your expectations and take things slowly. 1
Methodical Posted January 21, 2015 Posted January 21, 2015 one day he was acting distant and I went crazy texting him 50 times. he told me he was done. he then told me he's not looking for a relationship. he said "Idk what I want and I dont want to lead you on." then this past thurs we had sex and got lunch after. A week ago I asked him if he wanted to have sex. he said "can't have class" then I said "when can you" he said "idk shay in class can't talk" then I asked if he still wanted to have sex in general, and he didn't answer. Hours later I apologized for asking and he said "it's ok babe." It's been a week havent heard from him. I'd get irked if someone texted me 50 times and it's not like you are oblivious. You admit you went crazy. He told you he did not want a relationship, and didn't want to lead you on. You pushed and pushed and pushed. My guess is that he had sex with you, "thinking" it may change his feelings for you and it didn't. He is trying to put distance between you...it's time to take a hint. You keep tossing sex in his face and he keeps declining. Leave him be. He hasn't done anything wrong. He was upfront and said he wasn't romantically interested/didn't want a relationship. Trying to reel him in with an offer of sex makes you look cheap and desperate. Not exactly attractive or sexy qualities. 1
hoping2heal Posted January 23, 2015 Posted January 23, 2015 Marieanna, You have a big problem, a big one. The fact that you cannot figure out why a man who had only been one month out of a 7 year relationship was not emotionally available to you is a big, big, fat flippen problem if I have ever seen one. "I'm never good enough" is an utterly ridiculous statement. The man was not ready and he wasn't going to just up and heal and completely process the end of a 7 year relationship no matter who was on the other end. I cannot tell you if you're just young and naive or have a serious problem with realistic expectations or what is going on there but that's the real problem, not you being "good enough" or not. 2
Omei Posted January 23, 2015 Posted January 23, 2015 I'll have to agree with above poster very naive to expect investment from someone fresh out of a seven year relationship, you allowed yourself to be his rebound.
Toodaloo Posted January 23, 2015 Posted January 23, 2015 The problem is not that you are not good enough. The problem is that you are choosing the wrong men at the wrong time! Take some time out, do the things that make you feel good about yourself. Challenge yourself to do new things. Paint your toes, learn to jet ski, what ever floats your boat. Build your own life. Then when you feel content and happy with who you are go and find someone who compliments you and your life. There will be someone out there. Don't go for men who are pillocks or who are not in the right place to give you the care you deserve. If you carry on like this you are only going to hurt more. So rip off that plaster, take care of yourself and heal. 1
toffeecream77 Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 He's confused and rebounding. I'd let it go, if I were you. It's him, not you. He's not in a great place. And that throat comment....my gosh, how rude. Save yourself the hassle and heartache - walk away! Find somebody who isn't messed up.
Omei Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 He doesn't want a relationship but is okay with having sex with you He knows you don't want to just be sex so he plays the meaningful card "I don't want you to feel like I just want sex from you" He says that because it's what you need to hear hes playing on your feelings, but that's what hes doing because he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you but wants the sex. Yes it's just sex.
evanescentworld Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 marieanna177, you've posted 7 threads in three days - all about precisely the same thing. So let's cut to the nitty-gritty. He's fresh out of a 7-year-relationship.He's had sex with you, because to be honest, you desperately demeaned yourself and made yourself into a sexual object for his gratification.Yes, he used you for sex.Yes, you disrespected yourself enough to let him use you for sex. Enough is enough. Walk away, leave him be. He's damaged goods. He's in pain, and while I am sure his intentions were not malicious, they were selfish. but he is in absolutely no emotional state to even think about embarking on a new relationship. I'm sure he won't do this, but he needs at least 6 months, minimum, on his own, to find his boundaries and level of stability. 6, minimum. And you should not be fodder for distraction, to him. You need to re-examine your self-worth and quit believing that the quickest way to a man's heart is through his pants. You also need to spend some time alone to find your own boundaries, establish them, and believe in your own worth a lot more than you evidently do. All the best. Evan. 2
acrosstheuniverse Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 Oh god, he is a grade A player... he's managed to get you to not only be okay with just having sex, but also to be the one pursuing him for sex and chasing after him, telling him it's okay that it's just for sex (he wasn't going to have sex with you in case you thought it meant something... you had sex anyway). He reminds me of that scene in Friends when one Joey's saying to Phoebe 'wait... so he not only got you to agree to having sex without commitment, he's actually got YOU chasing HIM for it? I gotta meet this guy!' or whatever the lines were. But you have to take some responsibility for this yourself. He made it clear with his actions that he wasn't going to give you what you wanted. The minute he said that comment about deep throat, you should have walked away with your self-respect intact. It's one thing to bring something up sensitively 'hey baby you know when you do this, I go crazy... I'd love it if you could try do *this* too, whatcha think? What can I do to make things better for you?', it's another to condescendingly say what he did. What a jerk. But no, you kept going back for more, and even when he showed he was no longer interested, you bombarded his phone with 50 texts (rarely have I seen anyone act so desperately on this board), and when he didn't give you what you wanted, you waited a week then reached out again, managed to get him to go out with you and offered it up on a plate again. Either your self-esteem is through the floor and you don't think you're worth anything more (maybe you're confusing love with sex, thinking if a guy is doing you, he cares for you?) or you're extremely immature with regards to relationships. You really need to sort this stuff out, I would decide not to date anyone at all for now, just focus on yourself. And get some kind of therapy! 2
KatZee Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 I think it's pretty obvious he was using you for sex. He flat out said, "I don't want you thinking this is anything more than what it is." You're not exactly doing yourself any favors by calling him up and being like, "Oh hey, wanna come over and have sex?" You're ASKING to be used. Were you hoping that he'd change his mind and suddenly fall in love with you if you put out? (Hint: guys don't work like that) 2
365daysgone Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 Oh god what an osaster. I've never heard of a girl letting herself act so desperate. That's wackiness :-/
towardthefuture Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 I met a guy that just got out of a 7 year relationship. He took me out on dates, and we did have sex. He texted me every day and he told me he liked me a lot. One day he was acting distant and said "we need to work on your throat skills. it's called deep throat for a reason." I was hurt and stopped answering him that day and then things seemed to get a little better. Then he started acting distant again and wasn't answering me, so I went crazy and texted him 50 times. He told me he was done with me, but about a week later I reached out to him and we grabbed lunch. He told me he missed me and he paid and we didn't have sex. A few days later he told me he doesn't want a relationship, doesn't know what he wants and doesn't wanna lead me on. I asked if he had feelings for me and he said "I did have feelings, not gonna sleep with someone I don't have feelings for." About a week later I had a weak moment and asked if he wanted to have sex. Before we met up he seemed hesitant and said "I want to so badly but I don't want you throwing it in my face that all I wanted was sex from you." and then he said "I don't want you thinking this is anything more than what it is." We met up and had sex and then he asked me to go to lunch. He holds my hand and then was kissing me in the street. The next day I asked him to meet up and have sex and he said "can't have class" so I said "when can you" he said "Idk shay I'm in class can't really talk." So I asked if he wanted to still have sex with me in general, and he never answered. Later that night I apologized for even asking and he said "it's ok babe." it's been over a week and I haven't heard from him. was he just using me for sex or did he have any feelings for me? As a guy who just got out of an 8 year relationship, yeah he was probably just using you for sex. Or trying to recreate his failed relationship and he realized quickly you weren't the same person. Blunt honesty.
dumbass2 Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 (edited) He never cared about you and you were a rebound. It was obviously just about sex and unfortunately if you wanted more than that, you should have held off or did it a lot less often. He wants one thing and you want something else. He just got out of a relationship. You were his booty call. Sorry, you need to move completely on unless you just want to be used for sex when he feels like it. His feelings for you are purely sexual. Just read some of your other posts. If you want a relationship with a guy, DO NOT give it up so easily. Sex early on and often is a relationship killer. You are setting yourself up to get used for sex every time if you do this again. "One day he was acting distant and said "we need to work on your throat skills. it's called deep throat for a reason." And this wasn't a red flag to you? Edited January 24, 2015 by dumbass2
preraph Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 No. I think he thinks you were just using him for sex. He told you he only has sex if he likes someone, and he let you know this wasn't going far because he didn't want you to think it was more than it was, but then I think your eagerness to continue with sex in the midst of all that put him off. I think he was developing a friendship but is put off that you would have casual sex and basically that you set no standards for him to meet that would make him elevate you in any way. I don't think it's wrong to want casual sex, but don't do it with a guy you'd really rather have commitment with -- after they've told you it's not really going anywhere.
georgia girl Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 IMO, he is not trying to use you but you are desperately throwing yourself at him and he will end up doing exactly that. Just because someone is single does not mean they are emotionally available. He is still in love with someone else and that makes a person very lonely. Then you come around and you try and use sexual availability as a way to manipulate him into a relationship he doesn't want. So he gives in and has the sex, tries to be a nice guy after and you start pushing for more. This is one way women set themselves up to get used. This guy is an obsession for you and you are unilaterally already emotionally in a relationship with him. Extricate yourself now. And then take some time aeay from men to learn about healthy boundaries. Sex isn't the ticket to a relationship. It is the expression of two people caring about each other. You have this all wrong. Sorry, even as a woman I can't beat this guy up. When you make the booty call and blow up his cell, it's all on you if you get used. 1
dyna85 Posted January 24, 2015 Posted January 24, 2015 Who cares if he ever cared. He's not caring about you now and that's what's important. You're allowing him to disrespect you by continuing to pursue this. He's told you point blank that he doesn't want to be with you, so why keep pushing it? You're only going to suffer more heartache if you continue to bark up this very wrong tree. He's not worth it. You're worth more than this. Know your worth and keep it moving. There are millions of guys out there. MILLIONS. Why focus on one who couldn't care less? Not worth it.
Author marieanna177 Posted January 29, 2015 Author Posted January 29, 2015 (edited) Me and this guy met in November. We were going on dates, and we had sex. He just he got out of a 7 year relationship a month before. In the beginning he even said "but I'd like to be with you aside from the sex is what you fail to realize" He texted me every day, told me he likes me a lot and I'm not just sex. We would hang out without having sex. He talked about meeting parents and maybe taking me to his best friend's wedding in May. He always holds my hand, and he called me his girlfriend to the waitress at one restaurant. When I was studying at Starbucks one night he came out to see me, no sex. one day he was acting distant and I went crazy texting him 50 times. he told me he was done. we went a week without talking and then we grabbed lunch 2 weeks ago. He paid, and we didnt have sex.*We had mexican and he told the waiter in spanish "my wife is crazy" and then he asked me if I knew what he said. The next day I invited him to my new years eve party, and he declined. he then told me he's not looking for a relationship. I asked him if there were feelings and he said "I did have feelings" and he said "Idk what I want and I dont want to lead you on." Then I asked if this was my fault and he said "it definitely isnt you" Then we ended up talking about meeting up to have sex and hang out. Before we met up he seemed hesitant and told me that he doesn’t want me throwing this in his face that all he wanted from me was sex. He also told me he doesn’t want me thinking this is anything more than what it is. We ended up meeting up to have sex and then we went to lunch afterwards. During lunch he said “you’re the best,” and he always holds my hand. Last week I asked him if he wanted to meet up to have sex and he said "can't have class" then I said "when can you" he said "idk shay in class can't talk" then I asked if he still wanted to have sex in general, and he didn't answer. Hours later I apologized for asking and he said "it's ok babe.” That was 2 weeks ago, and I haven’t heard from him since. 1. Did he ever have any feelings for me? Or was he just using me for sex? 2. Does he not wanna be with me because I messed up or was he never looking for a relationship to begin with? Edited January 29, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Omei Posted January 29, 2015 Posted January 29, 2015 Wasn't this very story not posted before? And many people told you yes he was using you for sex the answers wont be different. 1
BluEyeL Posted January 29, 2015 Posted January 29, 2015 Yes, he used you for sex. Forget him and move on. 1
stillafool Posted January 29, 2015 Posted January 29, 2015 Why on earth would you text someone 50 times? He is done and as you've been told numerous times you need to move on. This guy is not coming back. 2
losangelena Posted January 29, 2015 Posted January 29, 2015 Girl, it's been two weeks now. In the words of Frozen, let it go. 3
evanescentworld Posted January 29, 2015 Posted January 29, 2015 OP.... would you like me to post whatever it is you actually want to hear? If so, tell me what that is, and I'll give it a go. But please realise one thing: I'll be lying through my back-teeth. But hey, if you think it will help more, post away!! 1
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