why did my ex unfriend me?

[tuxedo cat]

Okay, I know my title makes it sound like a no brainer but consider the context

 

We broke up 7 years ago. Our breakup wasn't ugly and we both got over it fast. He moved far away but we stayed casual friends online, occasionally emailing or commenting on each other's statuses. Once or twice a year one of us would send the other a song that we had discovered since we were both into the same music. Sometimes we gave each other advice. Our "relationship" post breakup was entirely platonic. I had no feelings for him and as far as I know he had none for me. We last spoke about a year and a half ago when he commented on a song I had posted on my fb. A few days ago I messaged him on fb and asked a question about electronic music that I knew he'd have the answer to. He didn't respond and then unfriended me.

 

Why?

 

Even though I truly have no feelings for him left, I'm kind of hurt/surprised, partly because I saw him as proof that there are some exes you can stay friends with.

[neowulf]

I think you may have an idea why he did.

 

The "friendship" was basically non existent. You hadn't had much direct contact with each other, or been involved in each others lives.

 

You were no longer "friends", just two people who had shared history.

 

Often people hold onto these relationships out of sentimentality. Once that wears off, they realise there isn't much reason to hold into things.

 

I'm sorry it was jarring, but I guess he felt it was time to move on.

[tuxedo cat]

I think you may have an idea why he did.

 

The "friendship" was basically non existent. You hadn't had much direct contact with each other, or been involved in each others lives.

 

You were no longer "friends", just two people who had shared history.

 

Often people hold onto these relationships out of sentimentality. Once that wears off, they realise there isn't much reason to hold into things.

 

I'm sorry it was jarring, but I guess he felt it was time to move on.

 

But people stay friends with others on facebook, who they don't have much of an existent friendship with.

 

What I'm saying is there wasn't really anything to move on from since neither of us was pining for the other and our sporadic content was purely friendly and casual.

[Gaeta]

Maybe it was accidental, maybe he met someone and she had him delete his exs.

[tuxedo cat]

Then again he was pretty insane. After our relationship ended he went from thinking he was gay, to bisexual, to gay, to transgendered, to straight...

So who knows what was going on in his head.

 

Yeah, it's also possible he met someone. I thought maybe I had offended him, but I couldn't figure out how.

 

Ah, well. I guess the lesson to be learned is that exes can't be made into friends.

Edited January 21, 2015 by tuxedo cat

[writergal]

I think it was rude for him to unfriend you without a warning. Granted, un-friending someone on Facebook is awkward no matter how you do it, but given your history together, I think he could have been more considerate towards you.

 

Do you have his email address? If it really bothers you, you could email him to ask him why he unfriended you. Sure that will be a little awkward, but hey, he just unfriended you with no warning whatsoever, so I think you have a right to ask him why. Hey may not respond, so there's that possibility too. Or you could just leave it, and not worry about it.

 

People who do that are jerks. Plain and simple.

[FortunateSon]

Why don't you message him and ask him why?

[aggie382]

Then again he was pretty insane. After our relationship ended he went from thinking he was gay, to bisexual, to gay, to transgendered, to straight...

So who knows what was going on in his head.

 

Yeah, it's also possible he met someone. I thought maybe I had offended him, but I couldn't figure out how.

 

Ah, well. I guess the lesson to be learned is that exes can't be made into friends.

 

Being confused about one's sexual identity and preferences doesn't make them 'insane.'

 

I do think exes can be friends, and your 7 year friendship speaks to that. It sounds like he just didn't feel the friendship was worth holding on to anymore. That happens all the time. Even with friends, we sometimes let them go when we no longer feel they add value to our lives. Whether he has a new relationship or not, it seems remaining connected isn't something he wants. However, if you think you offended him, and you do value his friendship, why not ask him? Actually, why not ask him even if you don't fear having offended him, just so you know?

[tuxedo cat]

I think it was rude for him to unfriend you without a warning. Granted, un-friending someone on Facebook is awkward no matter how you do it, but given your history together, I think he could have been more considerate towards you.

 

Do you have his email address? If it really bothers you, you could email him to ask him why he unfriended you. Sure that will be a little awkward, but hey, he just unfriended you with no warning whatsoever, so I think you have a right to ask him why. Hey may not respond, so there's that possibility too. Or you could just leave it, and not worry about it.

 

People who do that are jerks. Plain and simple.

 

Yeah, he could have sent me a simple, "hey, I'm seeing someone now and would prefer not to be in contact anymore. take care" and then unfriended me. But it seems a bit harsh to sever contact through a facebook deletion without explanation after eight years of knowing each other and being on friendly terms. People don't understand that when they abruptly go mute it causes the other person more grief, where a simple message would offer some closure.

 

I don't mind when randoms unfriend me, though.

 

Ah well, he's at least made it clear he wasn't worth staying friends with.

[tuxedo cat]

Being confused about one's sexual identity and preferences doesn't make them 'insane.'

 

I do think exes can be friends, and your 7 year friendship speaks to that. It sounds like he just didn't feel the friendship was worth holding on to anymore. That happens all the time. Even with friends, we sometimes let them go when we no longer feel they add value to our lives. Whether he has a new relationship or not, it seems remaining connected isn't something he wants. However, if you think you offended him, and you do value his friendship, why not ask him? Actually, why not ask him even if you don't fear having offended him, just so you know?

 

I actually just asked him why. Facebook says he read the message but didn't respond.

 

Shrug. Oh well.

[CALOVELY]

He met someone else who does not want him to remain friends with his ex.

[writergal]

Yeah, he could have sent me a simple, "hey, I'm seeing someone now and would prefer not to be in contact anymore. take care" and then unfriended me. But it seems a bit harsh to sever contact through a facebook deletion without explanation after eight years of knowing each other and being on friendly terms. People don't understand that when they abruptly go mute it causes the other person more grief, where a simple message would offer some closure.

 

I don't mind when randoms unfriend me, though.

 

Ah well, he's at least made it clear he wasn't worth staying friends with.

 

After knowing you for eight years, he easily could have sent you a quick message to explain his actions of choosing to un-friend you from Facebook. And I agree that when people abruptly go mute / defriend you with no chance to converse, it just creates un-necessary acrimony for the person who was rejected.

 

But yeah, he's made it clear he's not worth your friendship. Keep calm and carry on my friend!

[Rejected Rosebud]

From the sound of it your association was pretty peripheral and you weren't sharing anything really so you probably got purged, I do that sometimes, go through my fb friends and remove those that aren't really in my life at all. It's nothing personal and I bet it's not in your case either!

[Halcyon]

I keep my facebook pretty lean anyone who I'm not actually friends with gets purged on a regular basis. Exes are usually first on that list I have no interest in seeing what they are up to or having them stalk me. For me it's not personal, just we aren't part of each others lives any more and I've moved on.

[tuxedo cat]

"Purging"...so brutal.

 

This reminds me of an episode of Black Mirror set in the future where people have chips in their eyeballs that allow them to perform various social media functions, including literally "blocking" somebody from your life. Once you've chosen to block someone, you and the other person only see each other as a blurry shape and hear garbled noise when each other speaks. I wonder if that's where we're headed.

[Halcyon]

Be honest most people are 'friends' with exes on social media in order to keep tabs on them. I have zero interest in that, I also don't let facebook define my relationships I use it out of necessity because some of my friends have forgotten how to communicate without it.

 

I really hate the way facebook has changed the way people do relationships. I'm a very private person and I don't like my personal life been plastered out to the masses.

[tuxedo cat]

Be honest most people are 'friends' with exes on social media in order to keep tabs on them. I have zero interest in that, I also don't let facebook define my relationships I use it out of necessity because some of my friends have forgotten how to communicate without it.

 

I really hate the way facebook has changed the way people do relationships. I'm a very private person and I don't like my personal life been plastered out to the masses.

 

I use facebook for the same reason as you, because a lot of people I knew in the past have moved or I've moved. The exes I have any curiosity in I shouldn't be keeping tabs on anyway for my own psychological health, so they aren't fb friends.

[Halcyon]

Well there is your answer he obviously has some issue with being 'casual friends'. I know people say you can be friends with your exes and I'm sure that is true in some cases. However I think more often than not one party has residual feelings for the other, whilst seeing their ex is not crippling for them it does set them back a bit each time. Sometimes they just have to decide enough is enough with what is often a very limited friendship.

[Rejected Rosebud]

"Purging"...so brutal.

 

?? I don't think it's brutal, fb is no big thing to me, if I don't know somebody anymore or can't really remember why we are "friends" why keep them there, and I expect the same treatment with no hard feelings! It's nothing personal! You said you hadn't been in touch for a year so it was probably time.

[Riou]

I don't know for your case but i unfriended the ex because while moving on i lost all respect for this person.Broke up in a blindside manner and blamed me for everything.

[melodymatters]

I bet three bunnies :bunny: it's a new chick and they made a deal to unfriend their ex's. I'm sure of it.

[whichwayisup]

We last spoke about a year and a half ago when he commented on a song I had posted on my fb. A few days ago I messaged him on fb and asked a question about electronic music that I knew he'd have the answer to. He didn't respond and then unfriended me.

 

Why?

 

Even though I truly have no feelings for him left, I'm kind of hurt/surprised, partly because I saw him as proof that there are some exes you can stay friends with.

 

You aren't in his life anymore, it had been well over a year since you two last spoke. He probably isn't interested in keeping in touch anymore, maybe he is married now or has a serious gf and doesn't want you on his facebook knowing about his life. You two weren't really 'friends' in the sense of still being in each others lives, meeting spouses etc., it seems to have fb contact once in a blue moon.

 

Try not to get too upset over this.

[whichwayisup]

Why don't you message him and ask him why?

 

Don't do that. They aren't 'true' friends, they are ex's from many years ago, barely been in touch. Asking why is just asking for drama and if he answers that question it may upset her more.

 

I say let it go and focus on real friends who you have in your life now.

[aggie382]

Don't do that. They aren't 'true' friends, they are ex's from many years ago, barely been in touch. Asking why is just asking for drama and if he answers that question it may upset her more.

 

I say let it go and focus on real friends who you have in your life now.

 

I had suggested she ask too, and she did. Now that I think about it, I agree with this now. I would focus on real friends as well.

[tuxedo cat]

Don't do that. They aren't 'true' friends, they are ex's from many years ago, barely been in touch. Asking why is just asking for drama and if he answers that question it may upset her more.

 

I say let it go and focus on real friends who you have in your life now.

 

Yeah, I already asked, but it doesn't matter anyway. I'm over it. It sort of reminded me that I need to do some pruning of my own.