avacado Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 It's now officially been two years since she suddenly broke up with me. When it happened, I naively thought that it wouldn't be that bad, but what followed were the worst feelings of loss and depression of my life. While I was almost 30 and had prior girlfriends, she was my first real love and the idea that it was over - that all the plans I'd imagined for us were over as well, and that she would soon want to replace me with another man, were incomprehensible. I did all the things I was supposed to - instituted no contact, even blocking her on facebook, started going to the gym, making new friends. These things all worked in their own ways, and the pains ebbed and flowed, very gradually diminishing over the course of many months. Still, even after two years (which is slightly more time than we were together, an interesting milestone) I still think about her a lot. I think I see her face in a crowd, or just reminisce about an experience we had together. The difference is that these memories don't feel deeply painful as they once did. I don't know if I'll ever stop thinking about her completely, and I often wonder whether she thinks of me. I know absolutely nothing about her life post breakup - is she married? Engaged? Pregnant? Does she still miss me? Does she regret her decision, and will she ever try to contact me again? I'm often tempted to look her up on Facebook, to at least get a glimpse of her and her life, but I keep a strong leash on that urge. Maybe I'll act on it, one day, when I'm certain that I could stomach the things I might see. I now have a new woman in my life. It took a long time for me to warm up to her, many months of quasi-dating and lack of commitment on my part. With my ex, we went out on proper dates and a after a few months we were a real couple, we were in love, we knew each other's families. My new relationship feels immature by comparison. I didn't even dress up for our first date because I didn't take it seriously. But after awhile I realized that it wasn't the new girl who was inadequate, it was just too soon after the breakup. And now, incredibly, I'm back in love again, with someone even more compatible with me. I guess the purpose of this post is to assure everyone who is suffering out there that yes, it will get better. The plans you made for your future with this person were never real to begin with. And as everyone says, use the experience to focus on yourself and make changes in your life. The next time around it will be even better because you'll know what you want in a person. 7
Ben00 Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 Avocado, I want to thank you for this. The details contained in your post mirror my feelings so similarly that it's almost eerie, but it was comforting to read what you had written. I'm 31, approximately 1.5 years post breakup, and I am dating again. I had begun to question myself about why my new relationship felt so trivial compared to the prior relationship. You make an excellent point that it's not the girl that's inadequate, it's the proximity of the new relationship to the old one. I still think of my ex and wonder if she ever thinks of me. Like you said, the pain that was originally attached to the thoughts is not nearly as severe. I find it hard to believe but I still have dreams of my ex that feel so real I almost want to initiate contact with her when I wake up. I'm glad that feeling only lasts for a little while. I want to give 100% to my new relationship, but I can't say that I'm quite there yet. The human heart is a mysterious thing. It can give you heaven or it can give you hell. Anywhere in between... it's healing. Thank you again.
Author avacado Posted January 22, 2015 Author Posted January 22, 2015 it's not the girl that's inadequate, it's the proximity of the new relationship to the old one. QUOTE] It's also too easy to contrast your ex's good traits with those of the new girl, and unfairly dismiss her as not good enough. For instance, I enjoyed making and drinking coffee with my ex, while the new girl doesn't even like coffee, and at first this was another instance of her not living up to my ex. But she is much better for me in other areas and it took me time to realize that because I was so dead set on finding someone who was at least as good as my ex in the particular ways that made my ex good. But that just isn't realistic.
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