Sweetescape910 Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 Before I tell you the story, I really would appreciate it if you guys weren't harsh. I know it's easy to say move on and get over it, but I have a big heart and I will always care about someone who once meant so much to me. I'm not the type of person who cuts people off and forever deads them, and doesn't care. So, me and my ex broke up 11 months ago. He broke up with me at a wedding. We would constantly fight over petty things (I was 17 and he was 19) He thought I was using him for rides and stuff. He would always complain about driving me places and paying for me because he doesn't have "unlimited funds" like most people do. Which is understandable, but I was immature and I would pick fights over it. Eventually I wanted to get a ride for him at the wedding, and things escalated and he broke up with me because he told me to get my own ride because it was his cousins wedding. Anywho, if any of you remember, I dated a guy a couple months ago and he turned out to be the biggest dick. He recently called me fat and all these harsh mean names because I liked his friends instagram photos. I realized how good I had it with my ex compared to this guy I was dating. So I decided to shoot him a text. We haven't talked since what, June? I see him in person and we say hi and bye but this is the first time I reached out to him Here's the conversation: Me: hey how have you been?! Him: hey what's up Me: nothing much I'm babysitting, how is everything? Him: everything is good. Enjoying the winter break So I asked him a couple questions, small talk, etc I showed him some of the pictures we took at my sisters barmitsvah that I never got to show him because we broke up and they were really cute pictures and all he said was "haha nice pics" I said "Yeaa lol" to which he never answered. Next day I texted him saying "Shabbat shalom " ( I'm jewish and so is he) And he never responded. We broke up because we constantly fought. He wouldn't pay for me because he didn't have much money and he thought I was using him for rides and such. It was immature petty drama that caused him to break up with me. I wanted to apologize, but he never responded to my text so I never got a chance to. So this is what I mean when I say I have a big heart. I still care for my ex, even after not talking for about 8 months personally. Ouch.
Author Sweetescape910 Posted January 20, 2015 Author Posted January 20, 2015 I do want him back, sort of. But he never responded. And I know he's not interested, but I don't understand why he couldn't be nice and friendly. This was last week. I personally would have responded and been nice you know? It's been so long since we broke up. How can you just act like so cold to someone who was once your number one? I guess I'm just asking for your opinion and feedback. Trust me I know he's not interested, but I don't get why he's acting so stubborn.
bigtrouble Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 How can you just act like so cold to someone who was once your number one? Honestly I don't know, but you were good with the NC and you did try to use LC to keep the communication lines open. But now you are wondering why he never responded to your text. Apparently he has not displayed any interest as of now. To keep yourself wondering and get over him just. Just keep NC.. Your young, the world has lots to offer.
Marco Valerio Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 ... I wanted to apologize, but he never responded to my text so I never got a chance to. So this is what I mean when I say I have a big heart. I still care for my ex, even after not talking for about 8 months personally. Ouch. Really? If you wanted to apologize you could have started the conversation with: I wanted to apologize for being a bit selfish at a times. You did have the chance, you just didn't do it !!! What is what you really want? Forgiveness? another shoot? 1
Leigh 87 Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 He isn't interested. He responded politely but he didn't seem that interested. If he was, he would have initiated more communication! NOT responding is a blatant and very sure sign of disinterest I can assure you.... And as for his character, he was a cheapskate sorry to say. A tight ass. I dated a guy like that once. Shouted me dinner 2 or 3 times in 10 months. He thought I was a gold digger for expecting 200 dollar birthday, Christmas and valentines day gifts, and for expecting him to date me out once in a while and shout me. My mates were embarrassed when they met us out one night and he got me to pay for my own drinks:o They thought I could do better. Then I recently was dating a guy who took me out every night, paid for my meals, got my an expensive birthday gift and always offered to carry my bags. Life is too short to settle for guys who don't enjoy spoiling you, sharing lifts with you and if you DO go out for dinner, shouting you. If he cannot afford to shout you, it is more classy to just opt to not go, and to suggest a cheaper alternative like a picnic " hey, lets reduce the cost and get groceries rather than eat out, still my shout" This guy is bad news I am afraid, he isn't a generous person. You sound like you would do better with a man who can afford to treat you to dinner when you go out most of the time (it is nice to reciprocate once every few times he shouts you). 1
Author Sweetescape910 Posted January 20, 2015 Author Posted January 20, 2015 Really? If you wanted to apologize you could have started the conversation with: I wanted to apologize for being a bit selfish at a times. You did have the chance, you just didn't do it !!! What is what you really want? Forgiveness? another shoot? I was scared to! I wanted to ease into the conversation a bit. But he was being cold. So I decided to text him the next day and do it right when he responded to my text, but he didn't! I want another chance with him I guess... Or just a chance to at least talk to him about our past relationship
Simon Phoenix Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 He isn't interested. He responded politely but he didn't seem that interested. If he was, he would have initiated more communication! NOT responding is a blatant and very sure sign of disinterest I can assure you.... And as for his character, he was a cheapskate sorry to say. A tight ass. I dated a guy like that once. Shouted me dinner 2 or 3 times in 10 months. He thought I was a gold digger for expecting 200 dollar birthday, Christmas and valentines day gifts, and for expecting him to date me out once in a while and shout me. My mates were embarrassed when they met us out one night and he got me to pay for my own drinks:o They thought I could do better. Then I recently was dating a guy who took me out every night, paid for my meals, got my an expensive birthday gift and always offered to carry my bags. Life is too short to settle for guys who don't enjoy spoiling you, sharing lifts with you and if you DO go out for dinner, shouting you. If he cannot afford to shout you, it is more classy to just opt to not go, and to suggest a cheaper alternative like a picnic " hey, lets reduce the cost and get groceries rather than eat out, still my shout" This guy is bad news I am afraid, he isn't a generous person. You sound like you would do better with a man who can afford to treat you to dinner when you go out most of the time (it is nice to reciprocate once every few times he shouts you). So because he's not treating her all the time he's bad news? I completely disagree with this line of thinking. Being a woman does not entitle you to being wined and dined whenever you choose. It's the 21st century and women are capable of making money and picking up a paycheck every onces in a while. As a guy I have no problem paying, especially at first, but I would like a woman to be appreciative of it and offer to pay, even if I reject it. And once we've been dating a while, I think 50/50 is the way to go (I pay one, she pays another, it more or less evens out). But to say the guy is bad news for not wanting to pay, especially when the OP herself admits that she was way too demanding about it, doesn't make him a bad guy. I couldn't disagree with your line of thinking here more. There's nothing good about entitlement. 8
Author Sweetescape910 Posted January 20, 2015 Author Posted January 20, 2015 So because he's not treating her all the time he's bad news? I completely disagree with this line of thinking. Being a woman does not entitle you to being wined and dined whenever you choose. It's the 21st century and women are capable of making money and picking up a paycheck every onces in a while. As a guy I have no problem paying, especially at first, but I would like a woman to be appreciative of it and offer to pay, even if I reject it. And once we've been dating a while, I think 50/50 is the way to go (I pay one, she pays another, it more or less evens out). But to say the guy is bad news for not wanting to pay, especially when the OP herself admits that she was way too demanding about it, doesn't make him a bad guy. I couldn't disagree with your line of thinking here more. There's nothing good about entitlement. agreed. Petty things like that broke our relationship. Heck if I was a guy id be annoyed too. Just cause your a girl doesn't mean that you have to be paid for. Nobody is your bank. 1
Simon Phoenix Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 agreed. Petty things like that broke our relationship. Heck if I was a guy id be annoyed too. Just cause your a girl doesn't mean that you have to be paid for. Nobody is your bank. Agree. I don't think every date necessarily needs to be dutch and you have to calculate who owes who what and who needs to pay, yada yada yada, but just basic common sense and give and take from both parties. If you are more appreciative when he does pay (i.e. giving a genuine thank you and actually meaning it) then you'll find boyfriends that actually enjoy treating you and will do it more often. It seems like you've learned that and matured, which is a good thing. As for this ex, if you want, apologize for what you felt you handled wrong and leave it up to him to accept the apology. If he doesn't and you never really talk again, you'll be a new and improved person that future boyfriends will appreciate and cherish.
Author Sweetescape910 Posted January 20, 2015 Author Posted January 20, 2015 Agree. I don't think every date necessarily needs to be dutch and you have to calculate who owes who what and who needs to pay, yada yada yada, but just basic common sense and give and take from both parties. If you are more appreciative when he does pay (i.e. giving a genuine thank you and actually meaning it) then you'll find boyfriends that actually enjoy treating you and will do it more often. It seems like you've learned that and matured, which is a good thing. As for this ex, if you want, apologize for what you felt you handled wrong and leave it up to him to accept the apology. If he doesn't and you never really talk again, you'll be a new and improved person that future boyfriends will appreciate and cherish. Thanks for your advice, I appreciate it. But I don't want to text him again especially since he never responded before. I would look desperate. So I guess I can never show him how much I matured unless he gives me a chance, but it's been well over 10 days now. I like to believe that if it's meant to be, one way or another, god will give us the opportunity to recoincle. But I'm an impatient person, so I cant wait. I need answers and I need feedback. Ugh this sucks
Simon Phoenix Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 Thanks for your advice, I appreciate it. But I don't want to text him again especially since he never responded before. I would look desperate. So I guess I can never show him how much I matured unless he gives me a chance, but it's been well over 10 days now. I like to believe that if it's meant to be, one way or another, god will give us the opportunity to recoincle. But I'm an impatient person, so I cant wait. I need answers and I need feedback. Ugh this sucks Yeah, staying away is probably the best move right now. Just keep trucking on and improving. If the opportunity arises, then offer your apology. If not, keep growing and evolving. Perhaps there's a better guy out there, in fact, I'm sure there is. 1
Leigh 87 Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 So because he's not treating her all the time he's bad news? I completely disagree with this line of thinking. Being a woman does not entitle you to being wined and dined whenever you choose. It's the 21st century and women are capable of making money and picking up a paycheck every onces in a while. As a guy I have no problem paying, especially at first, but I would like a woman to be appreciative of it and offer to pay, even if I reject it. And once we've been dating a while, I think 50/50 is the way to go (I pay one, she pays another, it more or less evens out). But to say the guy is bad news for not wanting to pay, especially when the OP herself admits that she was way too demanding about it, doesn't make him a bad guy. I couldn't disagree with your line of thinking here more. There's nothing good about entitlement. I do offer. They decline. I ALWAYS ask " are you sure ?" The current guy insisted on paying every time - Every single time he paid for me, I thanked him, smiled, and gave him a kiss/hug. He knew that I REALLY appreciated it. And when I left his state, I reiterated " thank you so much for taking me out and treating me to dinner, drinks and movies; you made me feel quiet special in doing so, it was lovely and thanks a lot xxx" I do not expect it throughout the DURATION of a relationship. I expect it in the BEGINNING. It makes a girl feel special. It makes her feel that she is worth it. The guy should absolutely pay for the first few dates. I simple prefer to pay in other ways; I prefer a guy to take me out and shout me - but then I will buy him presents and invest money on making HIM feel special in other ways...... My mates are the same.. my girlfriends I am speaking of. If a guy expects it to be 50/50 from the get go they are out of there.
Leigh 87 Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 agreed. Petty things like that broke our relationship. Heck if I was a guy id be annoyed too. Just cause your a girl doesn't mean that you have to be paid for. Nobody is your bank. Well that is interesting. I am at college studying podiatry... it will earn me a high income and I am going to work pretty hard in order to carve out a high income for myself in a mere 3 years time. First grad salaries are high and jobs rampant. So while I am working my butt off in order to earn a high income, I do not want a man to be my bank. Yes I want to be taken out and spoilt. Guess what? Some women are spoilt by men who are crazy about them. I sure aint settling for less than what some of what my friend get! Life is too short! I have always refused to sit back and watch my mates get spoilt by men who adore them and in blissful relationships with them, and then settle for less than the best. Who wants to be out for dinner on a double date and see their friends guy spoilt her and treat her like a princess, while your guy goes halves with you:sick: Guess what woman is winning? In return, I will buy my guy expensive gifts and I will take the time to give him massages and back scratches and foot rubs for long periods of time a few nights a week. I have had plenty of offers from wealthy men who I just wasn't that into - men who wanted to wine and dine me and who weren't bad looking. If I wanted a man to be my bank I have had ample opportunity to make that happen by now:lmao: I want to generate my own wealth. I work during college and I treat my guy to dinner once every few times..... The vast majority of the time, I want a man who spoils me and who I spoilt right back (albeit in other ways). I guess I prefer to be spoilt at dinners and movies and nights out - and I prefer to reciprocate by buying him gifts and giving him extra special attention....... 1
Halcyon Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 (edited) So basically you are more concerned about superficial things like "keeping up with the joneses". You are contradicting yourself, you say you don't want a man to be your bank yet then say you expect them to be. Let me tell you this a lot of those 'blissful' relationships are smoke and mirrors and usually have some serious issues behind closed doors, no relationships are perfect. You value a man based on his ability to spoil you and you return things which are generally mutual in a relationship. Either way each to their own, I guess I date a different type of women who are very much into equality/independent and will actually get ****ty at me if I try to pay for stuff all the time not feign "are you sure?" knowing full well they aren't actually going to pay a dime. A little thing called give and take so usually we got 50/50 or take turns on paying for dates, I'm more than capable for paying for the dates but it's nice to know I'm not just been looked at as a disposable bank account. That I'm actually valued as a person. That doesn't make me scummy or cheap, I just have self respect and only want to date people who like me for who I am not how much I'm willing to bend over for them. As to the OP, it's been 11 months. He is trying to move on with his life and so should you don't contact him trying to relieve any guilt. Just leave him be. You're contacting him for selfish reasons. Edited January 20, 2015 by Halcyon 2
kendahke Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 I do want him back, sort of. But he never responded. And I know he's not interested, but I don't understand why he couldn't be nice and friendly. This was last week. I personally would have responded and been nice you know? It's been so long since we broke up. How can you just act like so cold to someone who was once your number one? I guess I'm just asking for your opinion and feedback. Trust me I know he's not interested, but I don't get why he's acting so stubborn. He's actually being cruel to be kind. He may be doing this to crush any false hope you may have of him coming back to you. The best way to get it across to you that he's done is to place that block of ice in front of you. Everyone has their saturation point and with you, he's reached his. Just like a sponge will soak up only so much liquid until it can't take on any more, your actions at his cousin's wedding put him at that point. It's probably time you took the hint and just let him go. He has to want what you want, but right now, he doesn't. Forcing yourself into his life only reiterates to him the wisdom of his action. Just leave him be. This really has nothing to do with the size of your heart but more with getting your way. 1
Marco Valerio Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 I was scared to! I wanted to ease into the conversation a bit. But he was being cold. So I decided to text him the next day and do it right when he responded to my text, but he didn't! I want another chance with him I guess... Or just a chance to at least talk to him about our past relationship I think you should always be sincere with people, as the expression says, don't "Beat around the bush", get to the point. Give yourself some time, maybe in a couple of months you will see it differently.
Author Sweetescape910 Posted January 20, 2015 Author Posted January 20, 2015 Yeah, staying away is probably the best move right now. Just keep trucking on and improving. If the opportunity arises, then offer your apology. If not, keep growing and evolving. Perhaps there's a better guy out there, in fact, I'm sure there is. Ah, you're right. Thanks for giving me hope.
Author Sweetescape910 Posted January 20, 2015 Author Posted January 20, 2015 So basically you are more concerned about superficial things like "keeping up with the joneses". You are contradicting yourself, you say you don't want a man to be your bank yet then say you expect them to be. Let me tell you this a lot of those 'blissful' relationships are smoke and mirrors and usually have some serious issues behind closed doors, no relationships are perfect. You value a man based on his ability to spoil you and you return things which are generally mutual in a relationship. Either way each to their own, I guess I date a different type of women who are very much into equality/independent and will actually get ****ty at me if I try to pay for stuff all the time not feign "are you sure?" knowing full well they aren't actually going to pay a dime. A little thing called give and take so usually we got 50/50 or take turns on paying for dates, I'm more than capable for paying for the dates but it's nice to know I'm not just been looked at as a disposable bank account. That I'm actually valued as a person. That doesn't make me scummy or cheap, I just have self respect and only want to date people who like me for who I am not how much I'm willing to bend over for them. As to the OP, it's been 11 months. He is trying to move on with his life and so should you don't contact him trying to relieve any guilt. Just leave him be. You're contacting him for selfish reasons. What are you even saying? I never once said that I expected him to pay for me. I said I was immature about the paying and I realized how much drama there was because of something so stupid. And me texting him isn't for "selfish" reasons... I'm not only thinking of myself here but the relationship as a whole and I wanted to state that I've changed and I hope we can be friends or something along those lines. I don't see how that's only thinking of myself but hey, to each their own I guess...
Halcyon Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 Sorry Sweet, top part was addressing Leighs posts I should have said that. Still I think you need to leave him be. You are reaching out to him for the wrong reasons. I'm not trying to sound harsh but why do you feel the need to keep him in your life? I understand you have grown but if it takes 11 months to deliver an apology after you have broken up I don't see much reason for it other than trying to alleviate guilt for past behavior or remind him you are still there. I'm sure he has forgiven you and moved on by now. 1
Author Sweetescape910 Posted January 20, 2015 Author Posted January 20, 2015 He's actually being cruel to be kind. He may be doing this to crush any false hope you may have of him coming back to you. The best way to get it across to you that he's done is to place that block of ice in front of you. Everyone has their saturation point and with you, he's reached his. Just like a sponge will soak up only so much liquid until it can't take on any more, your actions at his cousin's wedding put him at that point. It's probably time you took the hint and just let him go. He has to want what you want, but right now, he doesn't. Forcing yourself into his life only reiterates to him the wisdom of his action. Just leave him be. This really has nothing to do with the size of your heart but more with getting your way. Thanks, you're right. Both people should want a relationship and I guess he doesn't want anything to do with me. His loss. I cant force anyone back into my life. I'm just scared I won't ever find someone who will treat me the way I deserve to be treated and is 110% right for me in so many ways. I see all my friends in these great relationships and I'm in this small little bubble town and I get discouraged! I know I'm very young (18) to be even thinking about wanting a boyfriend. I guess I look for a bf in every guy I meet who has potential. I'm tired of using that energy. But I just don't know how to let go and let life flow.
kendahke Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 Thanks, you're right. Both people should want a relationship and I guess he doesn't want anything to do with me. His loss. I cant force anyone back into my life. I'm just scared I won't ever find someone who will treat me the way I deserve to be treated and is 110% right for me in so many ways. I see all my friends in these great relationships and I'm in this small little bubble town and I get discouraged! I know I'm very young (18) to be even thinking about wanting a boyfriend. I guess I look for a bf in every guy I meet who has potential. I'm tired of using that energy. But I just don't know how to let go and let life flow. anything undertaken with fear as its basis has no hope of a good outcome. Yes, you will find someone who will treat you the way you deserve, but in that, you need to lead by example. If you take up with guys who dont' treat you well, then you're showing them in some way that you dont' deserve better than what they offer. That takes courage to be by yourself for an undermined length of time until "the better man" makes his presence known to you. In the meantime, you need to be about working on things within yourself which causes you to attract guys who really aren't right for you. If the same character keeps appearing in different bodies to you, then there is something you need to examine about yourself and correct. You will then begin attracting a different character--more aligned with what you want. Stop looking for every guy who crosses your path to be your boyfriend. You've got a pre-written script for everyone who has testosterone and that will never do. Take each man as the individual they are and allow them to prove to you that they are worth your time. Until you are dead and buried, you have plenty of time to find someone to love. 2
kendahke Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 But I just don't know how to let go and let life flow. You do it by doing it and not over-thinking it. Stop trying to control everything and everyone. Stop trying to turn guys into insta-boyfriends. The more you try to control, the more it feels like you are strangling and the more they will fight to get away. Life is going to flow either way--you decide if it will be smooth or very, very turbulent. If something is meant to be, it will happen. Nothing you can do to force something whose time has not come. 1
Simon Phoenix Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 If a guy expects it to be 50/50 from the get go they are out of there. This is the mentality I'm talking about which I dislike. This is entitlement. Sure, it's nice to be spoiled, but if you are and your friends require it, then it's not appreciated. The size of a man's checkbook does not indicate the size of his heart. Have you ever thought that some guys are a bit skeptical of breaking the bank right away because they are just getting to know you and don't want to be taken advantage of? I have no problem with you wanting to be spoiled. But it is a problem when you consider it a requirement for someone to continue to date you. That's extremely materialistic. I mean, do what you want, but just because you are on your first few dates doesn't mean that a guy needs to serve as your personal ATM. 2
Simon Phoenix Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 So basically you are more concerned about superficial things like "keeping up with the joneses". You are contradicting yourself, you say you don't want a man to be your bank yet then say you expect them to be. Let me tell you this a lot of those 'blissful' relationships are smoke and mirrors and usually have some serious issues behind closed doors, no relationships are perfect. You value a man based on his ability to spoil you and you return things which are generally mutual in a relationship. Either way each to their own, I guess I date a different type of women who are very much into equality/independent and will actually get ****ty at me if I try to pay for stuff all the time not feign "are you sure?" knowing full well they aren't actually going to pay a dime. A little thing called give and take so usually we got 50/50 or take turns on paying for dates, I'm more than capable for paying for the dates but it's nice to know I'm not just been looked at as a disposable bank account. That I'm actually valued as a person. That doesn't make me scummy or cheap, I just have self respect and only want to date people who like me for who I am not how much I'm willing to bend over for them. As to the OP, it's been 11 months. He is trying to move on with his life and so should you don't contact him trying to relieve any guilt. Just leave him be. You're contacting him for selfish reasons. I'm in your boat. The woman that I dated that brought me here not only didn't expect me to pay, but would insist that she paid for me much of the time. I didn't allow this and went 50/50 (I get one date, she gets the next), but damn, it was pretty awesome to know that she actually appreciated being in my company enough to foot the bill, even if I wouldn't let her. Hell, she probably would have paid every time if I let her. Maybe that's the reason why I joined a relationship site after the break 1
Author Sweetescape910 Posted January 21, 2015 Author Posted January 21, 2015 I'm in your boat. The woman that I dated that brought me here not only didn't expect me to pay, but would insist that she paid for me much of the time. I didn't allow this and went 50/50 (I get one date, she gets the next), but damn, it was pretty awesome to know that she actually appreciated being in my company enough to foot the bill, even if I wouldn't let her. Hell, she probably would have paid every time if I let her. Maybe that's the reason why I joined a relationship site after the break Damn guys, I'm asking for advice on my ex and instead I start a whole heated discussion on paying LOLLLL. That's okay though. Honestly, I think it's necessary for a guy to pay for the girl the first couple dates. After that, id feel bad and id pay for him! Like we all work hard for our money, and nobody wants to be taken advantage of. I think this whole paying thing that society layed upon us really changed our perception on men. Not to say that if a guy doesn't pay the first couple dates that's a huge turn off, but after a while it's like alright, I can spoil myself. I don't need a man to do it for me. And guys, to be quite honest, id take a cheap inexpensive picnic over an expensive dinner date ANY DAY. It's all about QUALITY not quanity.
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