I honestly don't understand why any BS would stay.

[mefisto]

Please please explain to me why a BS would stay with a WS. Kids cannot be an excuse, so what is the reason to stay? Your WS has disrespected you in the worst possible way, and you decide to stay? Those who advocate R after DDay I have to disagree sorry. I think it shows a lack of self-respect no matter what justification you use. I'm a firm believer in walking away after any form of infidelity even an EA.

 

Discuss.

What the hell with all of these abbreviations? Is it too hard to write full words? I didnt understand anything.

[fellini]

Hey BKarma - don't actually remember saying I didn't like the term deal breaker, maybe cake eater. In fact if she ever approaches her ex AP again, or tries to hide any activities from me, that's now a dealbreaker for me. So I still embrace the term.

 

 

*****************************************************************

I think really you have Simply stated what everyone is trying to say...

 

If you feel that you can live with your WS, forgive and try to R ...Then do it...

 

To many BH/BW THINK they can R when in their heart of hearts They DA$N well know they can NEVER get over the lies and betrayal...They try and ALL parties live thru hell until one cannot take it anymore...

 

Then as it was for me my WWS Choice to have sex with her Boss/OM was ( I know fellini hates this term,but i dont have a better one) a Dealbreaker... I knew.. .If she thought she could go on a 8-12 month Fuc$fest with the OM and come home and say Im sorry ...I never meant to hurt you...AND ME eat that ...and everything is going to be ok ...well NO... subsequently WE ALL learned a hard lesson...

 

I COULD NOT GET OVER IT...as many here cannot...Again for the record I am not anti R...Just have not seen it work much...

[NoC]

I am assuming the OP has never done anything wrong or hurtful and is pretty darn confident he will never do anything wrong or hurtful to anyone he loves - that is if he believes in actual love and not that fluffy fuzzy feeling that one has only as long as it's easy.

 

If he ever falls from his pedestal of perfection, he may be wishing that someone show more compassion and grace to him than he shows to others.

 

I'm not perfect, i've hurt those I love and done many stupid things. But for crying out loud don't tell me that I would want compasion if I were to cheat! I have had many chances to cheat and be an OM, but I refused because that is who I am! Even when I was passionately and fully madly in love with a MW who propositioned me 3 times, I refused. So no, I wouldn't want compassion if I were to cheat, I strongly believe in treat others how you would want to be treated! I wouldn't want to be cheated on, so why would I cheat? Some of us have self control and mostly I ask God for his grace if I can't do it on my own.

 

You are hellbent to just see things your way and you have that right so really what I say or anybody else says won't make a difference because of how you feel towards infidelity. And that's okay. Not all can forgive an affair, it's one strike (affair) and you're out. But some feel differently obviously.

 

Kids are a factor. If the marriage was good and there's a long history there, then a BS may feel her WS is worth fighting for. He/she feels that they can recover and reconnect again.

 

IF a WS regrets and is remorseful, is willing to put in 100% effort to fix things, why not allow him/her that chance to make it right again?

 

Because they showed their lack of regard/respect for you by having an affair. Put you at risk of STD's and most of all, did not care about how it would hurt someone they supposedly love.

 

I think it's obvious I don't agree with this, no. There are no absolutes. There are some M's where this may be true. Some M's were doomed from the start. Some should have never happened. Mine wasn't one of them.

 

 

I agree with others in that you're just hearing what you want to hear at this point and not making any attempts get the other side of the story. I don't know this. I do know I can't be any clearer on this, though.

 

You're looking at it wrong just for the sake of disagreeing with me. I'm sorry for making you feel some animosity torwards me, I never meant to offend anyone here. Can you agree with me that a relationship will never be the same as it used to be, post affair? If that's true, then what I am saying is also true and guess what... it is absolute. If you say otherwise, then you're just lying to yourself. That is what I mean by the "death of previous marriage/relationship", it will never be like the one before, it has to be something new and different. Thats why as other posters have mentioned before, a new marriage post R can be better than the previous one, or worse.

 

I'm dead serious. I'm catholic. I'll try to make this as not confusing as possible, but those unfamiliar with my faith and even those who are catholic become confused about Church teachings. All I can do is my best to explain.

 

The Church teaches marriage is a Sacrament conferred from the spouses to each other. A total and complete giving and receiving of the whole person of one to the other. The priest does not marry the individuals, he is more of a witness for the Church.

 

The Church also teaches that a valid marriage is for the entire life, unbreakable, and cannot be dissolved by divorce. Meaning, a divorced person who has not gotten an annulment is still Sacramentally, if not legally, married. Thus, ineligible to remarry until their spouses death.

 

Annulment through the Church Tribunal after a divorce is possible if the marriage was invalid due to some defect of form (a catholic marrying outside the Church without dispensation), consent (one or both parties intended to exclude some fundamental part of marriage like fidelity, permanence, children),or other impediment (too closely related, under age, previous unannulled marriage) at the time of the ceremony. Nothing after that point can invalidate the marriage, not even adultery.

 

The Church understands if a betrayed spouse wishes to civilly divorce upon discovering adultery and in some other cases such as abuse or addiction, but considering the divorce morally justified does not mean the divorced parties are free to date and remarry. It just means they are legally divorced, spiritually/Sacramentally still married, and any relationship of a romantic nature they enter into is adulterous, a Mortal Sin, unless their former spouse dies or they receive an annulment.

 

So, since I and my DH, as a catholics, freely married with full knowledge, consent, and ability nothing we do from the moment we consummated the marriage invalidates it. Meaning, it is our duty to try to reconcile if at all possible.

 

(Yes, a lot of people marry with the idea the divorce is able to dissolve a marriage or thinking they can leave if they're no longer in love, or intending infidelity and those marriages can be annulled through the Church due to defects in consent since you can't consent to something you don't understand or believe. I'm a convert, my husband a cradle catholic, and we specifically discussed among ourselves and with our priest what marriage means religiously...so, we don't have an out. We went into it with eyes wide open. We knew exactly what we were consenting to.)

 

In short, we as catholics don't believe a marriage can be killed. Love..maybe. But not marriage. Marriage is for life and love is a verb. Something you do. Something you decide anew every day.

 

Aside from all that, I have my own responsibility to uphold my vows. I said "For better or for worse, in sickness and in health, forsaking all others, til death do we part". There weren't any exceptions in there. I didn't say "unless you break your vows". There is no out clause in the marital contract.

 

For me to behave in an honorable way I must do my best to forgive and reconcile if my husband is repentant and asks forgiveness and to work on the marriage. If he's not repentant, if he doesn't ask for forgiveness, if he wishes to leave, then I could divorce in good conscience.

 

Oh, and vice versa. It's not like I am some saint. It's possible that some day I could fall and commit adultery myself, you know. I'm sure a lot of people don't think they'd ever do that until they do. So, I'd expect him to uphold his vows and also do his best to forgive and reconcile if I were to be the one who made a terrible mistake.

 

MJJean I used to be Catholic myself, and left for the very reason that the "church" has it's own rules that are not even Biblical. What you just said is not true at all. We all know from a spiritual point, when a spouse is wayward, they rip apart the oneness of the two spouses. You cannot tell me that after a WS has an affair, that they are still spiritually one with their BS! Yes I know God hates divorce, but there is a reason why he said it's ok to divorce if there is infidelity, because he knows exactly what it really is. I'm sorry but this is why I left the Catholic church. Since when was not using contraception mentioned in the bible? I also hope you realize praying to Mary and the saints is idol worship, no matter how you want to justify it, but that's all for another thread!

 

*****************************************************************

I think really you have Simply stated what everyone is trying to say...

 

If you feel that you can live with your WS, forgive and try to R ...Then do it...

 

To many BH/BW THINK they can R when in their heart of hearts They DA$N well know they can NEVER get over the lies and betrayal...They try and ALL parties live thru hell until one cannot take it anymore...

 

Then as it was for me my WWS Choice to have sex with her Boss/OM was ( I know fellini hates this term,but i dont have a better one) a Dealbreaker... I knew.. .If she thought she could go on a 8-12 month Fuc$fest with the OM and come home and say Im sorry ...I never meant to hurt you...AND ME eat that ...and everything is going to be ok ...well NO... subsequently WE ALL learned a hard lesson...

 

I COULD NOT GET OVER IT...as many here cannot...Again for the record I am not anti R...Just have not seen it work much...

 

You did the right thing by leaving her. Nothing screams cuckhold than a man who stays and continues to work hard to provide for an unfaithful wife. I don't know what it's like for BWs.

 

What the hell with all of these abbreviations? Is it too hard to write full words? I didnt understand anything.

 

WS wayward spouse, BS betrayed spouse, OM other man, OW other woman, R reconciliation, D divorce, DDay discovery day, NC no contact, LS loveshack, MOW married other woman, MOM married other man, MW married woman, MM married man, BH betrayed husband, BW betrayed wife, WW wayward wife, WH wayward husband.

[fellini]

Being passionately and fully madly in love with a MW who propositioned you 3 times is not having an affair?

 

 

 

I'm not perfect, i've hurt those I love and done many stupid things. But for crying out loud don't tell me that I would want compasion if I were to cheat! I have had many chances to cheat and be an OM, but I refused because that is who I am! Even when I was passionately and fully madly in love with a MW who propositioned me 3 times, I refused. So no, I wouldn't want compassion if I were to cheat, I strongly believe in treat others how you would want to be treated!

 

Because they showed their lack of regard/respect for you by having an affair fair.

[purplesorrow]

Isn't the biblical principle that God ask you to extend the same grace to others that has been extended to you?

[truncated]

Never having been in this situation,I can't say for sure what i would or wouldn't do, but it does eem to boil down to one of those things where there are too many differnet varriables to make a sweeping statement that reconciling is always a bad choice. It is if both spouses are mmiserable, if it craetes bad environment for the kids, or if the cheating continues.

 

Some people are able to take the situtaion and use it to build a stronger marriage, some can't. Depends upon the people involved.

 

I think it's also a mistake to assume that BS rarely put conditions on a reconciliation. Just from reading on here, it seems many do.

 

I guess it comes down to each bs doing what they feel is right for them.

 

As for the ws, I will never understand their view that want to stay married, but they're going to cheat. If you want to stay married, don't cheat. If you want to go, then go, if you want to stay, then stay ( should your bs permit it) and don't try and bame your bs for making you miserable when you are the one who is either too cowarldy to leave or is actually quite happy where you are, inspite of you playing the matyr.

[MJJean]

MJJean I used to be Catholic myself, and left for the very reason that the "church" has it's own rules that are not even Biblical. What you just said is not true at all. We all know from a spiritual point, when a spouse is wayward, they rip apart the oneness of the two spouses. You cannot tell me that after a WS has an affair, that they are still spiritually one with their BS! Yes I know God hates divorce, but there is a reason why he said it's ok to divorce if there is infidelity, because he knows exactly what it really is. I'm sorry but this is why I left the Catholic church. Since when was not using contraception mentioned in the bible? I also hope you realize praying to Mary and the saints is idol worship, no matter how you want to justify it, but that's all for another thread!

 

As a former catholic you know catholics aren't Sola Scriptura.

 

And you know that the belief is that the Sacraments leave an indelible mark on the soul. This, of course, includes Matrimony. Meaning that the mark made on the souls of those who have validly married cannot, ever, be removed through any action. This includes infidelity.

 

The point I was making is that many WS and BS work toward preserving their marriages and some of them are doing it as a matter of their faith.

[NoC]

Being passionately and fully madly in love with a MW who propositioned you 3 times is not having an affair?

 

It looks bad from the outside, but to explain further what actually happened: I fell in love with her before she informed she was married (never wore her ring), and then I put my feelings aside to maintain a friendship with her because she is a nice person anyway. We never discussed her husband or any issues they had so I wouldn't consider it an EA, we were just buddies who goofed around and laughed a lot. She is attracted to me too, so in her moment of weakness she would touch herself down there right in front of me, and I would continue talking as usual, I ignored it and never mentioned anything about it to her.

 

Isn't the biblical principle that God ask you to extend the same grace to others that has been extended to you?

 

Yes very much so, I would forgive a WS but I wouldn't take them back. God doesn't ask us to be doormats and pushovers.

 

Never having been in this situation,I can't say for sure what i would or wouldn't do, but it does eem to boil down to one of those things where there are too many differnet varriables to make a sweeping statement that reconciling is always a bad choice. It is if both spouses are mmiserable, if it craetes bad environment for the kids, or if the cheating continues.

 

Some people are able to take the situtaion and use it to build a stronger marriage, some can't. Depends upon the people involved.

 

I think it's also a mistake to assume that BS rarely put conditions on a reconciliation. Just from reading on here, it seems many do.

 

I guess it comes down to each bs doing what they feel is right for them.

 

As for the ws, I will never understand their view that want to stay married, but they're going to cheat. If you want to stay married, don't cheat. If you want to go, then go, if you want to stay, then stay ( should your bs permit it) and don't try and bame your bs for making you miserable when you are the one who is either too cowarldy to leave or is actually quite happy where you are, inspite of you playing the matyr.

 

It is a classic case of having your cake and eating it too. Absolutely disgusting.

 

As a former catholic you know catholics aren't Sola Scriptura.

 

And you know that the belief is that the Sacraments leave an indelible mark on the soul. This, of course, includes Matrimony. Meaning that the mark made on the souls of those who have validly married cannot, ever, be removed through any action. This includes infidelity.

 

The point I was making is that many WS and BS work toward preserving their marriages and some of them are doing it as a matter of their faith.

 

I don't understand how you Catholics see man-made doctrine as being acceptable. Even the first pope Peter the founder of the Catholic church would be dissappointed at how his church turned out. They were pentecostal and Sola Scriptura back in the day, but somewhere along the way some people in authority decided to oppress the church, and now this is what's come of the church. What is the point of worshiping God if you are not Sola Scriptura?

 

Anyway the point i'm trying to make is that those who try to use their faith as a justification for staying in a marriage inflicted by infidelity, are delusional... sorry if that offends you, but that is the truth.

[purplesorrow]

It looks bad from the outside, but to explain further what actually happened: I fell in love with her before she informed she was married (never wore her ring), and then I put my feelings aside to maintain a friendship with her because she is a nice person anyway. We never discussed her husband or any issues they had so I wouldn't consider it an EA, we were just buddies who goofed around and laughed a lot. She is attracted to me too, so in her moment of weakness she would touch herself down there right in front of me, and I would continue talking as usual, I ignored it and never mentioned anything about it to her.

 

 

 

Yes very much so, I would forgive a WS but I wouldn't take them back. God doesn't ask us to be doormats and pushovers.

 

 

 

It is a classic case of having your cake and eating it too. Absolutely disgusting.

 

 

 

I don't understand how you Catholics see man-made doctrine as being acceptable. Even the first pope Peter the founder of the Catholic church would be dissappointed at how his church turned out. They were pentecostal and Sola Scriptura back in the day, but somewhere along the way some people in authority decided to oppress the church, and now this is what's come of the church. What is the point of worshiping God if you are not Sola Scriptura?

 

Anyway the point i'm trying to make is that those who try to use their faith as a justification for staying in a marriage inflicted by infidelity, are delusional... sorry if that offends you, but that is the truth.

 

Why must you insult others to get your point across? If a person believes and practices their religion, they are not delusional because you disagree with them. And it doesn't matter if she talked about her marriage or husband, what you described is an ea.

[autumnnight]

I've never really understood the need to denigrate and insult people who do not think the same way you do. It, IMO, weakens a person's argument when they have to resort to being some kind of schoolyard bully.

[whichwayisup]

It looks bad from the outside, but to explain further what actually happened: I fell in love with her before she informed she was married (never wore her ring), and then I put my feelings aside to maintain a friendship with her because she is a nice person anyway. We never discussed her husband or any issues they had so I wouldn't consider it an EA, we were just buddies who goofed around and laughed a lot. She is attracted to me too, so in her moment of weakness she would touch herself down there right in front of me, and I would continue talking as usual, I ignored it and never mentioned anything about it to her.

 

Did her husband 'approve' of your friendship with her? And her 'touching' herself in front of you? WTF. Does he know of this? I assume not.

 

I find it quite funny and hypocritical that you actually maintain a 'friendship' with someone you're in love with, attracted to and she's attracted to you also. You claim it's not an EA all because you don't discuss her husband, yet you don't say a word when she masturbates in front of you. How totally inappropriate is that? This is not a healthy friendship, it's damaging and totally cruel to her unsuspecting and innocent husband. You're a cancer to their marriage, a distraction and she's investing in you instead of her husband. And she gets a huge ego feed as well. All the meanwhile you're bashing betrayed spouses who find it in their kind and generous hearts to forgive and give their WS a second chance.

 

So you either have blinders on or don't care at all about what she is doing behind her husbands back. You're helping her betray him.

 

And you're being rude to some posters, insulting them by saying "you Catholics" and telling what you believe is your truth. You're disregarding other people's truths, what they believe in and expect everybody to 'get' what you're saying but you won't 'get' or even respect someone else's truth or opinion.

[fellini]

For me it's not even about his OW, it's about his convenient definition of infidelity. Allowing yourself to fall passionately and truly madly in love with another woman, whether or not she comes clean with a ring on her finger is about HIS crossing the very boundaries he claims he hasn't crossed.

 

Ask not what her husband would think, im asking a simple question: have you told your own wife that you have fallen madly in love with another woman who propositioned you and if your wife should not immediately divorce you for it.

 

I can not believe you have come in here all high and mighty and then last let slip this little anecdote which you seem to think has nothing to do with the very question you ask about infidelity.

 

If you are to believe the literature about gender differences in infidelity you should already know that for many woman the emotional aspect in any affair holds the same impact as the physical does for men.

 

Regardless of any theories or expert opinion, your relationship with this woman demonstrates that you are deeply hypocritical and probably rreally do think you are beyond all the criticisms and contempt you hold against others.

 

I'm done with these threads that put the word "honestly" in their titles that just become mental masturbation for dishonest, self serving and contemptable posters.

 

 

 

Did her husband 'approve' of your friendship with her? And her 'touching' herself in front of you? WTF. Does he know of this? I assume not.

 

I find it quite funny and hypocritical that you actually maintain a 'friendship' with someone you're in love with, attracted to and she's attracted to you also. You claim it's not an EA all because you don't discuss her husband, yet you don't say a word when she masturbates in front of you. How totally inappropriate is that? This is not a healthy friendship, it's damaging and totally cruel to her unsuspecting and innocent husband. You're a cancer to their marriage, a distraction and she's investing in you instead of her husband. And she gets a huge ego feed as well. All the meanwhile you're bashing betrayed spouses who find it in their kind and generous hearts to forgive and give their WS a second chance.

 

So you either have blinders on or don't care at all about what she is doing behind her husbands back. You're helping her betray him.

 

And you're being rude to some posters, insulting them by saying "you Catholics" and telling what you believe is your truth. You're disregarding other people's truths, what they believe in and expect everybody to 'get' what you're saying but you won't 'get' or even respect someone else's truth or opinion.

[Lion Heart]

OP, if you want a real answer to your question, I suggest reading the back stories of those that R'd instead of divorcing. Just like with cheaters, the majority of R'ing BS have all sorts of issues on their own. Not all, but most have co-dependency issues. Another running theme is feeling like they were already dating or married "out of league." Most of the spouses were more attractive, made more money, had more control of finances, etc etc. Most of BS feared not being able to "do better" than their current spouse.

 

Some people are in the position to make demands during an R, but the majority of BS aren't. If the WS says, "I'm not going NC. I am not quitting my job. I am not going to be transparent. I am not counseling, etc. etc" and the person doesn't have the guts or self-esteem to leave, they're stuck with that person.

 

Simply put, most feel like they can't do better. The others do it for their children (without knowing it's actually more damaging to stay.)

 

 

Ummmmm generalizing above. I get why you're generalizing but your summary is definitely not true for me in any way THIS TIME or the last.. maybe.

 

In my previous marriage I was also the BW (yeah I don't like the pattern I'm seeing for the first time now either but I'm working so completely hard on myself to figure this relationship stuff out).

In that marriage I was completely financially dependent. At the time our baby was 9mths old and I was breastfeeding every couple of hours. My Nana had died shortly b4 and I was grieving. But the day he had a 2NS we'd had sex twice that morning. I found out 4 days later and kicked him out that night. Gotta love his famous last words, smiling he said "you'll have me back bc you love me too much".

(Note to self: don't love too much)

I broke the lease the next day, got removalists and moved asap to near my family. No mobile phones or Internet then. He had to try REAL hard to even contact me and I lived an hour away now.

I registered for welfare, rented the cheapest house possible and spent alot of time doing the house up from my uncles leftover paint etc. After rent I had $18/ week for food MAX and $5 / wk for petrol.

WH paid for IC and MC for almost 2 yrs. Child support was around $15/ mth. He never slept over. It became apparent he was an alcoholic, gambling addict, sex addict and probably more.

I got a work transfer to be near my family, when baby was 2yo I worked FT and saved a deposit to buy my first house with my brother.

That WH certainly ate his words.

 

This time...

 

I am the BW and 5 weeks and 5 days post D Day.

15 yrs married, 3 more children. Mortgage together errrk.

TBH it's a mess, becoming far more clear but psychologically complicated. It would be a mess whether he stayed or left. We've both been distraught.

GOD YES! He was so welcome to go to AP (I said to her myself they deserved each other but not sure who's gonna buy their food!) that was her reason for "making him tell me or she would". Reluctantly he did and the consequent fall out surprised both of us. It was hilarious in some points. They've BOTH been sacked from their jobs (no they didn't meet at work and I didn't do anything!), the police have been involved (not me either), our children told him he had a time limit here! Twin boys 12 and 9yo girl. Stay for Christmas & then leave. Wow.

I've seen the best psychologist / psychiatrist available for 100klm. Have a best friend plus a neighbour who are also psych's. Great moral support.

 

I digress. Sorry.

 

BUT I had 2 houses when he met me. He had nothing. I had a career but gave it up to be STAHM. 2yrs ago I returned to work and earn at least 3 to up to 10x more than WS. I've earnt much more in 2 yrs than him in 10. My work is incredibly stable & close to home. Best (female) boss in the world. If we D I will rent a relatives home and move out with the kids there. No school change. I keep the house and get great rent. We can then travel OS more.

 

My decision was clear cut immediately. Tell me everything then P*** off.

Ofcourse I still loved the man I thought I'd married but I felt used and spent with this man.

 

He's here. Not sure about R at all. Discovered his A was in a way a RA! He resented me. My crazy outbursts when we were poverty stricken from his repeated bad decisions took their toll. Everything was SO MUCH better.

 

I will never take responsibility for his A.

He should never take responsibility for my craziness at times. He wants to R. I'm working on myself mostly.

 

We're having MC, he's having IC. I had 1 session and she said I was fine, just grieving.

 

IMO now I know that nothing in life is guaranteed but I never want to take anything for granted again. We both did.

 

Our communication is better than ever now.

 

In 5-10 years I want to look back and know I gave R my best shot, I accept D if that's what either of us want.

 

Too long! But never is a story clear cut no matter how many statistics are used.

 

Lion Heart.

[RedRobin]

Please please explain to me why a BS would stay with a WS. Kids cannot be an excuse, so what is the reason to stay? Your WS has disrespected you in the worst possible way, and you decide to stay? Those who advocate R after DDay I have to disagree sorry. I think it shows a lack of self-respect no matter what justification you use. I'm a firm believer in walking away after any form of infidelity even an EA.

 

Discuss.

 

When my now ex H confessed, I believed then (and still do) that cheating is just one of many ways one can be betrayed in a relationship. There are lots of other things I consider to be a bigger betrayal than someone seeking an extra marital relationship without my permission.

 

Like any betrayal, one has to consider the duration of the betrayal, the circumstances around the incident, the persons other strengths and weaknesses and contributions...

 

In my case, his decision to confess and seek counseling with me carried a lot of weight. Ultimately, the counseling unearthed deeper problems unrelated to the cheating. With this, as with so many things... Betrayal isn't necessarily the cause of a break up. It just makes people want to stop trying to fix what might otherwise be a solve able issue.

 

... Edited... I haven't read the rest of the thread... Just answering the original post. Want to add that dishonesty in any area of ones life is profoundly disrespectful to the person one has pledged their life to honor and respect. Cheating, and other major betrayals... Is a form of cowardice. Not a form of 'strength' that they can explain away as being able to 'love' more than one person simultaneously.

 

A more courageous person would at least seek a renegotiation of their 'contract' with the other person... Or leave. Not lie so they can have their own way. That's not love at all. When I hear a WS talk about 'love', I have to laugh. Really. They have no concept of what real love is.

Edited January 23, 2015 by RedRobin

[Jesuischarlie]

Self respect comes from within. It's not about what others think, but what that individual person feels inside.

 

You are certain that your self respect would be gone if you stayed with a cheater, but not everyone feels that way. And your opinion is not the only valid one. My integrity is not damaged by another person's bad choices. My integrity is based on my choices alone, and I wouldn't feel that attempting to save my family was a foolish choice. I also would not feel that infidelity, which is a huge blow to a marriage, would wipe out all the great things I love about my husband. I have been with him since 1991, and he has been a great husband and father throughout this time. It would break my trust and cause emotional pain for me, but my love for him wouldn't stop in an instant. Trying to save a relationship that's been satisfying for 24 years would not be hurting myself, as it is to my benefit if that relationship can be saved.

 

You are looking at the relationship between husband and wife as it's own entity, and disregarding the strong feelings of a family and it's legacy. In a long term marriage, spouses are family members. It's not just about the romance between the spouses anymore. If you genuinely see your spouse as family, you want to help them. Imagine if your son had an addiction and stole money out of your purse. Would helping him kill your self respect? Although he broke your trust, would your love for him just stop?

 

Cheating is certainly an act of disrespect, but many people can forgive that and not take it personally. It doesn't mean they have no self respect.

 

Not take it personally??? Of course it's personal. It's about something missing between you.

 

Before our relationship got out if hand and very emotional MM told me his BS would never throw him out. I should've listened.

Edited January 23, 2015 by Jesuischarlie

[purplesorrow]

Not take it personally??? Of course it's personal. It's about something missing between you.

 

Before our relationship got out if hand and very emotional MM told me his BS would never throw him out. I should've listened.

 

No, it is about something missing in the cheater. If you fulfilled that so much why didn't he stay with you?

[autumnnight]

No, it is about something missing in the cheater. If you fulfilled that so much why didn't he stay with you?

 

True

 

Lots of people have unhappy marriages. Not everyone chooses to cheat.

[badkarma2013]

Isn't the biblical principle that God ask you to extend the same grace to others that has been extended to you?

 

 

In the years of religious study ( a hobby) ...Every religion ..Everyone of them

says " One must forgive those who have wronged them...NO MATTER what capacity that hurt is..one Must forgive. "

 

But no where in Any religion (no matter what doctrine) does it say i must Reconcile with the person who has wronged me...No Where...

 

Again "Do not confuse Forgiveness with Reconciliation ,for they are Not the same thing."

[purplesorrow]

In the years of religious study ( a hobby) ...Every religion ..Everyone of them

says " One must forgive those who have wronged them...NO MATTER what capacity that hurt is..one Must forgive. "

 

But no where in Any religion (no matter what doctrine) does it say i must Reconcile with the person who has wronged me...No Where...

 

Again "Do not confuse Forgiveness with Reconciliation ,for they are Not the same thing."

 

Where did I say it says to reconcile? I didn't. I always say forgiveness doesn't mean staying, rings true in my own situation. I was pointing out to the op he was asking for grace that he was implying shouldn't be extended to a cheater. And grace is the op's word, not mine.

Edited January 23, 2015 by purplesorrow

[badkarma2013]

Where did I say it says to reconcile? I didn't. I always say forgiveness doesn't mean staying, rings true in my own situation. I was pointing out to the op he was asking for grace that he was implying shouldn't be extended to a cheater. And grace is the op's word, not mine.

 

Purplesorrow...only playing a post off of your post...nothing aimed at you directly ...I know all of us here have been blasted by OP...not the case here..

 

Only Making a point to others......Badkarma

[Jesuischarlie]

True

 

Lots of people have unhappy marriages. Not everyone chooses to cheat.

 

And no one in a happy marriage cheats.

 

He's not with me for many reasons. One being it's not feasible. And two being his family would disown him. Emotional blackmail. These are also the reasons he's still with her... Well he's still at home.

 

The reason he pursued me relentlessly.. Well you will tell me it was sex.

[Sub]

And no one in a happy marriage cheats.

Definitely a more common mantra of OW/OM. But it's an oversimplification. There have been plenty of WS's on this board alone who say they love their spouses and have had generally "happy" M's. They usually cite periods of "down" time in their M's for straying....an intense attraction to someone new that they just couldn't resist....a deep connection to a "friend" of the opposite sex....etc. And specifically in regards to WH's, how many times have we heard from OW how tales of bad M's and mean, sexless BW's turned out to be hokum? Answer: Often.

[purplesorrow]

And no one in a happy marriage cheats.

 

He's not with me for many reasons. One being it's not feasible. And two being his family would disown him. Emotional blackmail. These are also the reasons he's still with her... Well he's still at home.

 

The reason he pursued me relentlessly.. Well you will tell me it was sex.

 

No, I would never tell you that's why he pursued you because I don't know his reasons. Just like you don't know if a person's marriage is happy or not. Cheating is personal and has everything to do with the one who cheats. If he really wanted to be with you, he should find a way to do just that.

[Jesuischarlie]

You're having a rage at me off topic. The question was about BS

 

He's not with me as I said because it would be traumatic and he has no balls.

 

Why would a BS stay with a man who loved someone else? Even if it was years or it was over.. he still sees me... Where there's a way like you said. I know longer care about being with him permanently

[purplesorrow]

You're having a rage at me off topic. The question was about BS

 

He's not with me as I said because it would be traumatic and he has no balls.

 

Why would a BS stay with a man who loved someone else? Even if it was years or it was over.. he still sees me... Where there's a way like you said. I know longer care about being with him permanently

 

First, no one is raging at you. My apologies if that is how you are feeling. Secondly I don't know his bw so I have no idea why she is staying. Why are you?