Author Leigh 87 Posted January 20, 2015 Author Posted January 20, 2015 There's nothing wrong with having exciting casual sex with guys you just meet as long as you use good protection!! I think it sounds like you sometimes get this confused with having a relationship or even love!! It's a whole different thing! It was the casual sex. There were feelings involved. I don't enjoy casual sex. There needs to be feelings and passion.
Author Leigh 87 Posted January 20, 2015 Author Posted January 20, 2015 (edited) I'm the same age as you Leigh hell you are even from the same country as me (and an insomniac as well?). I'm not trying to be combative here. If your goal is just to have exciting lustful times then go for it. I assumed you wanted more (I'm honestly confused, your desires seems to change post to post). Then again I guess my personality is very different from yours. I've literally only ever felt this 'spark' with two people ever and I have dated a lot. I guess that is why I'm skeptical and why I'm willing to go on more than one date with someone who I'm attracted to but not "wow this is insane" and usually find that comes with a bit of time and actually getting to know them. If I waited for the spark as an indicator that things would be awesome I would be eternally single. Either way if you are happy that is all that matters. That's my point. I generate enough sparks where we are both instantly very attracted. I have a very cheaky smile and demeanor when it comes to men. I feel instant sparks and excitement and intense attractions to various types of men. After the first date I get excited about a good number of men. I feel mutual and strong attractions and sparks with enough men. Edited January 20, 2015 by Leigh 87
Halcyon Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 That's my point. I generate enough sparks where we are both instantly very attracted. I have a very cheaky smile and demeanor when it comes to men. But you want it to be more than just casual sex (based off you last post)? Then as I said my only advice is to rein in how quickly you move on that attraction and spend some time getting to know them, work on not getting attached to them so quickly. I had to learn this the hard way myself when I was younger.
Author Leigh 87 Posted January 20, 2015 Author Posted January 20, 2015 Leigh, this much investment in someone you've only known for a few weeks isn't emotionally healthy. You can have butterflies and a spark without being so invested in someone new. I hope it works out for you. I'm not upset. I got over it in a healthy time frame. A couple of days. That isn't true investment my dear. It takes two to tango. .. He was also wanting to give long distance a go after such a short time. ..
Author Leigh 87 Posted January 20, 2015 Author Posted January 20, 2015 But you want it to be more than just casual sex (based off you last post)? Then as I said my only advice is to rein in how quickly you move on that attraction and spend some time getting to know them, work on not getting attached to them so quickly. I had to learn this the hard way myself when I was younger. Of course I am learning that I need to move slower. I'm no longer a fan of whirlwind romances. However, I'm still going to date the me who excite me from day one.
Halcyon Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 I think people got confused because you dropped 'in love' in your first post (I was confused as well). Not something most people throw around lightly.
Rejected Rosebud Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 I'm not upset. I got over it in a healthy time frame. A couple of days. That isn't true investment my dear. What you are describing is: you get the excitement of casual sex mixed up with the feelings that lead to a relationship. You said you were in love!! unless you have a definition of love that is not shared by anybody else that would be a real investment!! It takes two to tango. .. He was also wanting to give long distance a go after such a short time. .. I don't believe that he did, I think I said so in your first posts about him and so did a lot of other people, it was fairly predictable that you would get sexual with him and it would lead to nothing. I feel sorry for you Leigh :(
Jay13094 Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 if i'm being honest- i stopped reading at 3 weeks. Extremely short time, and i understand that things can get tough but for your future situations like this- guard your heart!!!! don't ever invest into someone so quickly because it will eat you alive
Diezel Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 3 weeks, donezo. How about, start NC right now, because obviously, you severely turned him off. Not enough for him to drop you off completely but enough that you aren't a serious prospect anymore. You've been at LS enough to know what is going on already.
Author Leigh 87 Posted January 21, 2015 Author Posted January 21, 2015 3 weeks, donezo. How about, start NC right now, because obviously, you severely turned him off. Not enough for him to drop you off completely but enough that you aren't a serious prospect anymore. You've been at LS enough to know what is going on already. Yeah I also think that he felt such intense chemistry and the instant "wow factor", that he got carried away... in person it was blissful, but as soon as sh*t hit the fan he thought " well, I don't like her as much as I did when things were perfect". Hence I know the instant wow factor is not enough - after a couple of weeks of that alone, it wasn't enough to overcome an obstacle. Next time I not only need this wow factor (that I find once or twice a year minimum), but with a guy that is COMPATRIBLE and who has the personality type to overcome less than favourable moments..... I am sure Irish guy would have demonstrated some bad parts of his personality to me down the line. The difference between him and I is that I don't lose feelings on someone based on them acting aloof or off one night. I work on things. I want love one day. He doesn't seem phased at all on the other hand. He is 28 and has years of childbearing potential in order to relax and play with women until his heart is content. I suppose I don't want a man who gives up so easily. Better I know now than months down the line, when another hiccup would occur and all of a sudden he thinks " wow well sorry, I don't want to continue with the long distance thing now that this little setback occurred"
Author Leigh 87 Posted January 21, 2015 Author Posted January 21, 2015 if i'm being honest- i stopped reading at 3 weeks. Extremely short time, and i understand that things can get tough but for your future situations like this- guard your heart!!!! don't ever invest into someone so quickly because it will eat you alive I didn't invest. I knew it could end at any time. I fully explored the possibilities and dint hold back my feelings, while at the same time knowing full well it may end anytime. I am not crying and upset or heartbroken right now. It is day about 3 or 4 days since the bad night out with his mates and I knew it was over deep down. I am totally fine now. I fully embraced a possibility of something real occurring but I didn't invest enough to cry or feel heartbroken or to take many days or weeks to get over it.
organizedchaos Posted January 21, 2015 Posted January 21, 2015 I didn't invest. I knew it could end at any time. I fully explored the possibilities and dint hold back my feelings, while at the same time knowing full well it may end anytime. I am not crying and upset or heartbroken right now. It is day about 3 or 4 days since the bad night out with his mates and I knew it was over deep down. I am totally fine now. I fully embraced a possibility of something real occurring but I didn't invest enough to cry or feel heartbroken or to take many days or weeks to get over it. From the original post: We fell in love so fast (we are late 20s and we have had several relationships and we are both attractive and have ample experience with meeting members of the opposite sex). We know what falling in love is, and we are both surprised that it happened rather fast. So then it wasn't love after just 3 weeks as you said it was. Right? It was lust.
Author Leigh 87 Posted January 21, 2015 Author Posted January 21, 2015 From the original post: So then it wasn't love after just 3 weeks as you said it was. Right? It was lust. There is a difference between falling IN love and then growing to truly love them. Falling in love can happen fast. I have seen it. However, "falling in love" is feelings based, and has no depth... where as "growing to love" someone is based on mutual admiration and respect, with a small dose of romantic chemistry thrown in. I believe the falling in love part happens rather quickly when it is legitimate, if you have the right chemistry - I know couples who have felt the falling " in love" component after a week or a month, which was then VERIFIED by growing to admire and respect the person... They already FELL ' in love', but it was rather "confirmed" they hey, their feelings were on track... they simply fall " in love", with their feelings, and then grow to admire and respect one another, and hence the "growing to love someone" element of any relationship. In my case... we felt the " in love" feelings but we didn't explore the depth to verify that what we had was "genuine" or "true" or " long lasting" Make no mistake though, I have been in long term relationships. I have friends who have been in long term relationships. There are ALWAYS going to be "those people" out there that trigger you to fall "in love" rather fast but it is not genuine love at all because it lacks depth. What some people take 6 months or longer to feel, can be brought on rather quickly if you share mutual intense chemistry and attraction to a new partner. Many couples miss out on the falling in love part since they aren't that into one another and rather, they move right along into the "growing to love" one another stage... it takes about 3 - 6 months sometimes longer... you grow to love a person for who they are; mutual admiration and respect comes into play. When true compatibility aligns and you love and adore one another, you "love". Most couples miss out on the "butterflies" and their heart doesn't race when their partner texts and it never really did. You need to both fall IN love, and then GROW to love a person in order to have the most passionate and complete love..... Otherwise you get: - you fall " in love" fast as I did with this guy, but without much depth, respect, admiration and all that jazz since you didn't know the person well. - or, you bypass the infatuation and "falling in love feelings, and grow to love them like you would a best friend, with some mild romantic chemistry ... it never sizzles in the bedroom the way it does when you have intense chemistry from the outset and get to experience the 'falling in love" component.
Author Leigh 87 Posted January 21, 2015 Author Posted January 21, 2015 Long story short? Yes, my and this guys version of " in love" was infatuation, instant mutual chemistry and all that jazz. It is LUST. Not true or genuine love. You fall " in love" first I believe, and later you combined the falling in love feeling you developed earlier, with the " ahh, I really respect and.. I just adore the heck out of this person, I am in love.." The "feeling" of being in love happens fast in some cases but yeah, it is not true love, it is falling " in it" though. It is hard to explain, but some couples tend to have either one of the other! So many couples were instant fire works infatuation based yet lack any real compatibility, they don't "click" and it is attraction and FEELINGS based. They have strong feelings for one another due to chemistry and enjoying talking well enough - On the flip side, you get couples or had no strong chemistry to begin with who bypass the butterflies, the getting excited part and the giddy falling in love stage - they move straight to growing to love a person. The " in love" part definitely happened here. We are both 28 and have had long term relationships and had a lot of casual encounters... we both knew strong feelings when they hit us! Sadly, they had no real basis since I wasn't worth doing long distance. We didn't love one another. We just "fell" in love with our FEELINGS, without the depth or true emotional implications. I do have friends and I do talk about a lot of different peoples relationships! Falling in love has happened fast for some, and as slow as a snail for others... or not at all!
Halcyon Posted January 21, 2015 Posted January 21, 2015 Sorry I have to respectfully disagree. It was lust and infatuation not love. You didn't fall in love with him you were infatuated and lustful there is a very big difference. Seriously you need to ask yourself why are you trying to "fall in love" so quickly and it seems very forced. As you said it lacks depth which any lasting relationship needs that. You are trying to redefine a word (infatuation, lust) to be more meaningful than it actually is. As I said people who desperately want to fall in love at first sight so to speak usually have a bunch of other stuff going on. These tend to fizzle out quite quickly as it's not built on any solid foundation. I know there is exceptions to this which you seem to be getting very stuck on but for most these fizzle out as quickly as they started. Lots of people confuse infatuation or that "butterfly feeling" with love that is the honeymoon phase which does eventually end and changes into something else but some people are addicted to that feeling and take that as an indicator something is wrong with the relationship, it's not realistic in the long term. 4
Rejected Rosebud Posted January 21, 2015 Posted January 21, 2015 I do have friends and I do talk about a lot of different peoples relationships! Falling in love has happened fast for some, and as slow as a snail for others... or not at all! Leigh you would do yourself a big favor if you would stop using your opinions about other people's relationships as a barometer for your own behavior, I'm pretty sure that you don't really understand the nuances of what is going on between the other couples! Anyway glad you are getting over your disappointment, don't you start school soon, I think I saw in another thread that you are already in it? Probably a good time NOT to start an LDR right now anyway! 1
mtnbiker3000 Posted January 21, 2015 Posted January 21, 2015 Leigh. You need to slow down. I've also been following your posts here for a couple of years now. Everything from relationships to career choices. You're all over the map. You're explosive. Have you really worked on yourself at all? You throw a lot of spaghetti at the wall. Quantity over quality. Try really getting to know someone before investing so quickly. The last thing you want to do is come to a relationship needy. And flying to visit someone more than once in 3 weeks is needy. And even though someone may seem to enjoy this type of behavior, it quickly leads to lack of respect. It comes off as clingy and needy which turns everyone off. Try being unattainable, elusive, hard to get, be chased / pursued. Make a guy put in the effort. Nothing makes a guy run the other way more than a girl who immediately becomes a lap dog, no matter what they may say or how they may act in return. 7
Author Leigh 87 Posted January 21, 2015 Author Posted January 21, 2015 Sorry I have to respectfully disagree. It was lust and infatuation not love. You didn't fall in love with him you were infatuated and lustful there is a very big difference. Seriously you need to ask yourself why are you trying to "fall in love" so quickly and it seems very forced. As you said it lacks depth which any lasting relationship needs that. You are trying to redefine a word (infatuation, lust) to be more meaningful than it actually is. As I said people who desperately want to fall in love at first sight so to speak usually have a bunch of other stuff going on. These tend to fizzle out quite quickly as it's not built on any solid foundation. I know there is exceptions to this which you seem to be getting very stuck on but for most these fizzle out as quickly as they started. Lots of people confuse infatuation or that "butterfly feeling" with love that is the honeymoon phase which does eventually end and changes into something else but some people are addicted to that feeling and take that as an indicator something is wrong with the relationship, it's not realistic in the long term. Neither of us wanted or were looking for a relationship at all. I wasn't looking to fall in love. I don't need to either, I need instant chemistry and I need to be excited about a new prospect after the first date. I need fire works. And I experience them, mutually, often times enough for me to realistically hold out for them albeit with a COMPATIBLE partner..... All those feelings that go hand in hand with strong chemistry and the instant sizzle, lead to feelings of being "in love". Some people just click really well sexually and on a level that cannot be explained - instant wow factor it is called - strong feelings can happen early on and without any effort needed - and yes, it is wrong to act on those "feelings" alone due to lack of depth; doesn't mean you cannot feel strongly about a perfect stranger. He was averse to starting anything. We just felt an instant connection and instant "passion" and all of that jazz. We had big "feelings" in relation to the amount of time spend together. That is why we tried to make a go of things; we both considered it more than merely casual fun - even though we both knew it would never work due to the long distance element. We let our feelings govern things when really, if we dated for several months and REALLY fell in love then yes, long distance would have been much more of a realistic consideration.. I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting someone who excites you from date one - and who you cannot wait to hear from. It is the people that most excite us that make for passionate sex in my personal experience and my friends personal experience - it CAN be with a compatible partner, the spark that burns the fastest doesn't have to burn out the quickest IF you take the time to see if there is depth to these high feelings of passion that are instant and natural upon meeting.... Then honeymoon period can lasts - just not as intensely as it once did. And it takes work and mutual respect, admiration and trust. I call it in love, you call it infatuation. Fair enough. Ask a few long term couples who fell in love rather fast - and are still together - about it.
organizedchaos Posted January 21, 2015 Posted January 21, 2015 There is a difference between falling IN love and then growing to truly love them. Falling in love can happen fast. I have seen it. However, "falling in love" is feelings based, and has no depth... where as "growing to love" someone is based on mutual admiration and respect, with a small dose of romantic chemistry thrown in. I believe the falling in love part happens rather quickly when it is legitimate, if you have the right chemistry - I know couples who have felt the falling " in love" component after a week or a month, which was then VERIFIED by growing to admire and respect the person... They already FELL ' in love', but it was rather "confirmed" they hey, their feelings were on track... they simply fall " in love", with their feelings, and then grow to admire and respect one another, and hence the "growing to love someone" element of any relationship. In my case... we felt the " in love" feelings but we didn't explore the depth to verify that what we had was "genuine" or "true" or " long lasting" Make no mistake though, I have been in long term relationships. I have friends who have been in long term relationships. There are ALWAYS going to be "those people" out there that trigger you to fall "in love" rather fast but it is not genuine love at all because it lacks depth. What some people take 6 months or longer to feel, can be brought on rather quickly if you share mutual intense chemistry and attraction to a new partner. Many couples miss out on the falling in love part since they aren't that into one another and rather, they move right along into the "growing to love" one another stage... it takes about 3 - 6 months sometimes longer... you grow to love a person for who they are; mutual admiration and respect comes into play. When true compatibility aligns and you love and adore one another, you "love". Most couples miss out on the "butterflies" and their heart doesn't race when their partner texts and it never really did. You need to both fall IN love, and then GROW to love a person in order to have the most passionate and complete love..... Otherwise you get: - you fall " in love" fast as I did with this guy, but without much depth, respect, admiration and all that jazz since you didn't know the person well. - or, you bypass the infatuation and "falling in love feelings, and grow to love them like you would a best friend, with some mild romantic chemistry ... it never sizzles in the bedroom the way it does when you have intense chemistry from the outset and get to experience the 'falling in love" component. Sorry, I disagree. You don't fall in love in just three weeks. Those feelings are lust and infatuation. This is based on my experience, which at my age is far greater than yours. And the people I know too.
Author Leigh 87 Posted January 21, 2015 Author Posted January 21, 2015 Leigh. You need to slow down. I've also been following your posts here for a couple of years now. Everything from relationships to career choices. You're all over the map. You're explosive. Have you really worked on yourself at all? You throw a lot of spaghetti at the wall. Quantity over quality. Try really getting to know someone before investing so quickly. The last thing you want to do is come to a relationship needy. And flying to visit someone more than once in 3 weeks is needy. And even though someone may seem to enjoy this type of behavior, it quickly leads to lack of respect. It comes off as clingy and needy which turns everyone off. Try being unattainable, elusive, hard to get, be chased / pursued. Make a guy put in the effort. Nothing makes a guy run the other way more than a girl who immediately becomes a lap dog, no matter what they may say or how they may act in return. I have worked on myself thanks. I only date men who are nice to me for starters and who seem into me and treat me well. I don't accept bad behaviour. I did act hard enough to get, I always waited for him to text and call me first. I send single texts back. He even said to me that he couldn't figure me out because I wasn't showing I was into him that much. I am an avid traveller and spend all my savings on travel; I had been planning to fly to Darwin OR Perth for the past year.... I picked Perth because he was there but you know, he didn't find it desperate he was super excited and had told all his friends he had a new girlfriend that he could see some potential with. Neither of us are desperate people; we have options and weren't looking for love. We just had that strong infatuation and couldn't help but talk daily and get excited about seeing one another again. We have both learnt to not rush into things now. We learnt our lessons. It WAS a two way street though, he had nearly booked a trip to come stay with me too. I mirrored HIS interest, I didn't put myself forward anymore than he was. I will be busy with Uni very soon and in the years I am involved in bettering myself in the way of employment prospects, I am sure I will meet another sparks guy who is a better match. When I least expect it. I am going to hold true to what I want, the instant chemistry and sexual sparks; however, I am going to combine it with keeping the pace slow and healthy. You can get what you want in life if you compromise. I prefer more instant chemistry but I have since learnt that it is NOT any indicator that it will LAST, and that I have to SLOW DOWN and get to know a guy slower.
Halcyon Posted January 21, 2015 Posted January 21, 2015 (edited) I call it in love, you call it infatuation. Fair enough. Ask a few long term couples who fell in love rather fast - and are still together - about it. I have they called it lust and infatuation like everyone else. You are in love with the idea of falling in love and are trying for god knows what reason to force it. That scares emotionally healthy people off. You get attached way to quickly and if you can't see why this is a problem then I will just have to wish you the best of luck because I find it quite sad to be honest. "Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it". If you cannot learn from your past which you should you will never grow. If infatuation is love. What is love? Baby, don't hurt me Don't hurt me no more Baby don't hurt me Don't hurt me no more Edited January 21, 2015 by Halcyon
organizedchaos Posted January 21, 2015 Posted January 21, 2015 I have they called it lust and infatuation like everyone else. You are in love with the idea of falling in love and are trying for god knows what reason to force it. That scares emotionally healthy people off. You get attached way to quickly and if you can't see why this is a problem then I will just have to wish you the best of luck because I find it quite sad to be honest. "Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it". If you cannot learn from your past which you should you will never grow. Exactly. And if the guy was feeling the same way, then he's confusing the two as well. my current gf and I took things slow. There was instant chemistry, that's why we couldn't wait to see each other. but we didn't "fall in love" within three weeks. It built over time and when it exploded, it exploded. We didn't actually sleep together for 6 weeks. And now, 7 months in to it, we're still in the honeymoon phase, deeply in love, and the sexual chemistry is just as intense as the bond we have.
Author Leigh 87 Posted January 21, 2015 Author Posted January 21, 2015 I have they called it lust and infatuation like everyone else. You are in love with the idea of falling in love and are trying for god knows what reason to force it. That scares emotionally healthy people off. You get attached way to quickly and if you can't see why this is a problem then I will just have to wish you the best of luck because I find it quite sad to be honest. "Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it". If you cannot learn from your past which you should you will never grow. If infatuation is love. What is love? Baby, don't hurt me Don't hurt me no more Baby don't hurt me Don't hurt me no more What I believe happened was that, compared to all our other conquests (we have high numbers...) and our prior relationships, we felt something intense in comparison. He would, at times (he didn't divulge feelings often at all), say " I really really.... like you..." We were sort of bursting at the seams with feelings and it was overwhelming at times; saying we loved each other seemed to match the depth of intensity that we both felt. In retrospect it wasn't falling in love but we were falling at a fast pace and we sort of were grasping for words that could adequately match our very high sort of feelings. For the two of us it felt like love at first site - logically after we said it, we both said um.. it is way too soon but what gives? We felt so strongly at he time that we didn't use any common sense I guess. Now we have both made this mistake.... we will hopefully be able to recognise intense chemistry for what it is - not being in love then.......
Author Leigh 87 Posted January 21, 2015 Author Posted January 21, 2015 Exactly. And if the guy was feeling the same way, then he's confusing the two as well. my current gf and I took things slow. There was instant chemistry, that's why we couldn't wait to see each other. but we didn't "fall in love" within three weeks. It built over time and when it exploded, it exploded. We didn't actually sleep together for 6 weeks. And now, 7 months in to it, we're still in the honeymoon phase, deeply in love, and the sexual chemistry is just as intense as the bond we have. Yes I believe we both confused in love with our instant connection and instant sort of a passion we shared that was effortless and burnt brightly. I hope we have both learnt a lesson. Have you had women you fell harder for than your current girl? See - I prefer to be that girl that a man falls hardest for - and them me. I just prefer that type of relationship, not the types where you have a slow burn (where previously you have felt more strongly about others) I think it is reasonable, what I want, providing I learn to take it slower and act appropriately next time. We have our preferred methods of falling; some posters have stated that hey prefer a slow build and they don't want instant sparks because it blinds them and causes them to overlook issues the person in question may have... As long as, whatever mode of falling in love you most enjoy is also matched with a reasonable pace, and is coupled with mutual admiration, respect and trust - then I see no reason why I cannot have my preference for my hard and fast falling in love style, and you cannot have your own method of applying things when it comes to dating and love.....
Author Leigh 87 Posted January 21, 2015 Author Posted January 21, 2015 It wasn't in love I have to agree now. If it was he would not have ended things he would have wanted a long distance thing, I would have studied there... So yeah it wasn't love. We both got really carried away. We could see it, I could tell he could see it too and he tried to resist. It was just one of those things. Instant chemistry and instant passion that is rather effortless can sweet you off your feet and cause you to make bad decisions. I am sure we have both learnt from this but I certainly don't blame him nor I, for mistaking infatuation for love. I do believe we were "falling" in love, but you know, the EARLY stages of it! At the time I felt it was and I am sure he did, I don't believe he is a creep I think he meant what he said and he too. I hope the two of us have learnt that falling in love requires at least 3 months or REALLY getting to know one another outside the bedroom and under all types of settings (when stress, without make up, at your worst and the like).
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