Leigh 87 Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 How long should you wait in order to instigate no contact? Is there ever a grey area whereby you may or may not break up indefinitely? We have known each other for three weeks. He introduced me to his two best friends last Friday. I drunk too much and offended one of his friends and alluded that my guy hated his boss. He was very angry but said he wanted to forget about it and cuddle/hold hands and chat once I left ( we are long distance) as per usual. We hadn't known each other long, and although he said that he wants to continue with me, hasn't initiated texts or calls since I flew back from visiting him. Things are different; he has gone from initiating daily texts and calls, sometimes initiating multiple per day, to nothing; he responds when I text him though. He doesn't say he misses me or wishes he was with me anymore. It has only been three days after the "incident" occurred. Should I assume that, because things are not as good as they once were, that we are finished, and cut it off now so I can get over him ASAP? I have it badly for this guy more than any guy I have previously known. Or should I give him a chance to initiate contact, give him space and wait to see whether or not he comes around? My friend said that it is not looking great the way he has changed the way he texts and calls me - never initiating and only replying with matter of fact responses. Then again, it has not even been a mere month! I think we got carried away; we had an instant connection and we fell very hard and fast. We fell in love so fast (we are late 20s and we have had several relationships and we are both attractive and have ample experience with meeting members of the opposite sex). We know what falling in love is, and we are both surprised that it happened rather fast. I think it is normal to get freaked after jumping into things way too fast, and his reaction is totally understandable! He saw that sometimes ****e happens, and it obviously made him re asses how fast we had launched into a relationship without properly spending ample time together in order to determine if we are suitable....AND are able to get past obstacles and still be into one another. Should I cut my losses now, at the first sign a man is acting differently towards me? Or should I wait before jumping the gun? Give it say, one week, and if he initiates texts and calls he gets back to seeming happy and excited about me, then... yeah that would be ideal:( It is only three weeks after all, surely it is too soon to tell whether or not it has come to an end OR, alternatively, if he just needs space after 5 full days with me and that one setback? I guess some women say " well.. if things "change" it is always a bad sign. And it is.
Halcyon Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 (edited) Way, way too invested for someone you have been dating for 3 weeks, this is not healthy. Also probably a very bad first impression if you put your foot in your mouth when he introduced you to his best friends. I know I wouldn't be so keen on someone if I introduced them to my best friends and they started fighting with them I would choose my friends every time. My real question is why have you fallen so fast generally there is some reason for this happening be it a recent break up or unresolved issues of being alone and such. I've never seen it end well for friends of mine who have "fallen head over heels" for someone in such a short period of time. Usually revolves around issues of self esteem and co-dependence. I could be very wrong but look if you are worried just ask him if something is up then you will get your answer rather than agonizing over it. Edited January 20, 2015 by Halcyon 4
Halcyon Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 (edited) Having read some of your other posts I'm seeing a trend. You remind me of a friend of mine who has ridiculous expectations of relationships. I love her but she is a complete dits when it comes to relationships and dating. She subscribes to the belief people should be crazy about each other when they first meet or it's not going to work out. That men should bend over backwards and should be constantly chasing you. The problem with this is you end up with people who are generally desperate, co-dependant and generally unstable emotionally or interested in the chase but not the catch. You end up basing the relationship on incredibly superficial factors and once you get past that layer there is no substance which he might be realising now. Especially after the meet up with friends. Don't subscribe to the Hollywood and fairy tale 'spark' crap, yes there had to be some attraction there obviously but it's more important to spend some time getting to know the person, the real person behind the bull**** and then deciding if you guys are actually compatible. I think you need to spend some time reasessing what you actually want from a relationship based on what you have written recently it seems rather shallow and superficial which is sad to be honest. It took my friend years to realize these things are not important in the slightest. Good relationships are based around balance, mutual respect, trust and open communication which already seems to be an issue here after such a short period. Edited January 20, 2015 by Halcyon 9
Satu Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 Think about your usage of alcohol and how it affects your behaviour. 2
Author Leigh 87 Posted January 20, 2015 Author Posted January 20, 2015 Don't tell me to subscribe to YOUR way of finding love thanks. Some people prefer to hold out for instant and intense chemistry that is natural. It is just there undeniably. With the RIGHT person, it then strengthens through mutual admiration and respect over time. I also want a suitable partner and plenty of compatibility and all the stuff you suggested. I also prefer to wait out for good sparks and instant chemistry - intense chemistry with a compatible partner makes for the most passionate relationships, where neither person has to "figure out" whether they are into one another. They just are from the get go. And then of course, it is important to actually get to know one another. It didn't end up working with this guy but he was acting the same way I was; he has been with a lot of girls also, as I have dated a lot of guys - and we both fell hard and fast, we knew that we should have stepped back and gotten to know one another better but we couldn't help it, we were mutually head over heels from the get go. It didn't work because he is moving back to Ireland and I am in Australia and he wanted to cut his losses and not do long distance as he is not that sort of person.... He thought he wanted to do it with me. I guess he changed his mind. He was always asking about my college degree and whether or not I absolutely had to do it or.... yeah:( So it didn't work and it wasn't to do with his friends. I didn't get into any sort of fight with his mates we got along fine, I just stuffed up a little, he said it wasn't that bad.
organizedchaos Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 Having read some of your other posts I'm seeing a trend. You remind me of a friend of mine who has ridiculous expectations of relationships. I love her but she is a complete dits when it comes to relationships and dating. She subscribes to the belief people should be crazy about each other when they first meet or it's not going to work out. That men should bend over backwards and should be constantly chasing you. The problem with this is you end up with people who are generally desperate, co-dependant and generally unstable emotionally or interested in the chase but not the catch. You end up basing the relationship on incredibly superficial factors and once you get past that layer there is no substance which he might be realising now. Especially after the meet up with friends. Don't subscribe to the Hollywood and fairy tale 'spark' crap, yes there had to be some attraction there obviously but it's more important to spend some time getting to know the person, the real person behind the bull**** and then deciding if you guys are actually compatible. I think you need to spend some time reasessing what you actually want from a relationship based on what you have written recently it seems rather shallow and superficial which is sad to be honest. It took my friend years to realize these things are not important in the slightest. Good relationships are based around balance, mutual respect, trust and open communication which already seems to be an issue here after such a short period. ^ this is precisely the OP's problem. I've seen much of her posting history expecting a non stop barrage of fireworks from the first date on or its not worth it. That's just not realistic and leads to lust, not love. Esp within 3 weeks. Don't like our way of thinking? Fine, continue to repeat these mistakes then. OP, just, have a conversation with him? Not over text. Then go nc if he says it's over. 5
Author Leigh 87 Posted January 20, 2015 Author Posted January 20, 2015 Having read some of your other posts I'm seeing a trend. You remind me of a friend of mine who has ridiculous expectations of relationships. I love her but she is a complete dits when it comes to relationships and dating. She subscribes to the belief people should be crazy about each other when they first meet or it's not going to work out. That men should bend over backwards and should be constantly chasing you. The problem with this is you end up with people who are generally desperate, co-dependant and generally unstable emotionally or interested in the chase but not the catch. You end up basing the relationship on incredibly superficial factors and once you get past that layer there is no substance which he might be realising now. Especially after the meet up with friends. He isn't desperate. He never bothered with women and the girls he has dated he didn't so much as text or call them daily at all. I am pretty much the nicest he has ever been to a girl (his long term friends words, not mine). He wasn't blowing up my phone. He isn't a desperado lol. He texted and called once or twice a day and that is it. He initiated more often than not. Don't subscribe to the Hollywood and fairy tale 'spark' crap, yes there had to be some attraction there obviously but it's more important to spend some time getting to know the person, the real person behind the bull**** and then deciding if you guys are actually compatible. I think you need to spend some time reasessing what you actually want from a relationship based on what you have written recently it seems rather shallow and superficial which is sad to be honest. It took my friend years to realize these things are not important in the slightest. Plenty of relationships based around balance, mutual respect and all that crap ALSO start out with fireworks. It is called being attractive enough and an "alive" enough type of a person in order to generate sparks and chemistry. Obviously very unpleasant looking people who have minimal people attracted to them wont very easily find the fire works; they are superficial to a large degree. I have what it takes to garner instant fire works and instant and intense chemistry - and to then explore that if our personalities seem to mesh, and really see if a healthy relationship is feasible. Nothing wrong with holding out for fire works, a lot of passion AND with a compatible partner. I don't think it will take years to find either - I don't care about their job, income or anything superficial.. as long as I think they are cute and they give me butterflies when they text.. if the spark is there in spades, I will give it a go and see if we are compatible beyond the intense chemistry. No need to tell me it isn't working or wont work for me - I have loved every moment of my dating life thankyou so much more than I would have if I had settled for a situation where I wasn't crazy about a guy and stuck with him because we everything else but the intense chemistry. I have had all types of relationships and I prefer the instant and effortless chemistry thanks - and to then build up from that basis into something with depth and meaning. Good relationships are based around balance, mutual respect, trust and open communication which already seems to be an issue here after such a short period. So yeah.... I sort of know that relationships that last are built around the important pillars. I know. I simply want them to also start with fireworks, which believe me, a woman like myself has no issue with finding. I have found instant chemistry with many men where it was mutual but we didn't click.
Author Leigh 87 Posted January 20, 2015 Author Posted January 20, 2015 ^ this is precisely the OP's problem. I've seen much of her posting history expecting a non stop barrage of fireworks from the first date on or its not worth it. That's just not realistic and leads to lust, not love. Esp within 3 weeks. Don't like our way of thinking? Fine, continue to repeat these mistakes then. OP, just, have a conversation with him? Not over text. Then go nc if he says it's over. Some people prefer instant fire works. It works out for some people, not everyone settles for a person who they weren't that into after the first date. Plenty of couples were drawn to one another by intense chemistry and they also happened to wind up together. I don't enjoy going on second dates with men who don't give me butterflies and who I am indifferent about dating. They are friends - people I like as people but who I don't have the urge to kiss.... Instant connections and chemistry is realistic if you are attractive enough to garner them from men/women. I am not beauty to the majority by any stretch of the imagination, but I have had no issues with finding instant attraction and I don't see why these shouldn't be the people I then explore more in more depth. There are enough people who I generate fireworks with in order for me to believe that one of them could very easily be a long term husband in the future. I also have plenty of decent men who are really into me who I didn't feel fire works with - who would make fantastic partners. Sorry, I would rather feel the way I did about Irish guy and then have it last. The chemistry and electricity was palpable and my heart skipped a beat whenever he texted from day one. The attraction was just very instant and intense. I believe you can end up with the person who most excites you, you just have to get to know these "sparks" people until you find one that is compatible. There is nothing wrong with waiting for the fire works, it is not unrealistic for a woman like me to find them given I generate them often enough, it has always been mutual albeit without any depth - at least I still meet enough fire works guys for me to know I have ample to pick from and get to know better. If I was not one to feel it often, I would not bother and I would get realistic with my expectations. I honestly meet enough men that are "crazy about me" from the get go more or less. Most of them I am not excited about. A few of them I have been but it fizzled. I am realistic. I know the essential components to a relationship aside from the instant rush I seek. You CAN have both if you are not looking for a tall dark and handsome guy who earns 6 figures. I am drawn to normal looking men with regular jobs and I don't have too high expectations.
Author Leigh 87 Posted January 20, 2015 Author Posted January 20, 2015 He broke up with me by the way it is in the long distance section. I was willing to do long distance once he moved back to Ireland. He didn't want a long distance thing. He said after months together it would be torture leaving and that it is already very upsetting after 3 weeks, much less the 5 more months we would have been together for potentially. I am upset but not crying or anything - I knew after Friday nigh with his friends that.. something had shifted. He was trying to delude himself, when we were so loved up, that it could work.. when really. Long distance is not something he has ever been open to deep down. So I guess the friend thing happening was a blessing in disguise. He would have continued with me as bf and gf until he would have had to have left and it would have been twice as hard... At least he didn't ask if I wanted to continue to have fun with him! He said there are too many feelings involved from both parties... that thinking of me with other men and vice versa was very hurtful and causal was never on the cards for us. Least he ended it and was honest. He could have easily come to where I lived to get sex anytime he knew I was open to having him stay with me.
PegNosePete Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 It works out for some people But not for you. Look you have a choice. You can keep doing what you're doing (which clearly isn't working) or you can try a new method. Up to you. 5
elaine567 Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 Did you apologise profusely? No-one really likes out of control, drunk partners, ignoring recognised protocol. The allusion that this guy hates his boss may have scuppered his chance of promotion too, so it is a big thing. 1
Halcyon Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 Sorry Leigh I don't sugar coat things. I'm not telling you to subscribe to my way of thinking but what you are expecting is unrealistic and unsustainable. Basically you are trying to force emotionally intimacy off the back of no substance and expect it to grow into something else. That is not love that is infatuation and lust, you are in love with the idea of a person and what they represent (or more accurately what they could represent) not the actual person themselves. That is desperation in itself, desperation for intimacy without actually getting to know someone. You don't have to be blowing up someones phone to be desperate throwing around words like love after such a short time is troubling to say the least. Sorry going to have to call you out on the not caring about superficial stuff. You say you don't care about job, income etc. You were just railing men in another thread about as been no good if they don't spoil you constantly and treat you like a princess. You seem rather obsessed with how you look it's kind of worrying for someone your age. I'm not saying this to be an ass by the way. Just giving you another view point to consider. You notice the common theme with people you date they are all whirlwind romances that go as quickly as they come because they are not based on anything substantial. If you want that to change you need to look at the common denominator which is you or you can continue doing the same thing and expecting different results. 8
Author Leigh 87 Posted January 20, 2015 Author Posted January 20, 2015 But not for you. Look you have a choice. You can keep doing what you're doing (which clearly isn't working) or you can try a new method. Up to you. Just because the people I have had instant fireworks with didn't work out doesn't mean there's a low chance of it ever working out with a fireworks guy.
Rejected Rosebud Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 Leigh, here is the story you told us as WE read it (I think I can speak for many of the other people who read it!!) You met a guy on a train. You saw him for a few hours before he left. He left. Shortly thereafter you went to visit him. You got drunk and acted creepy, that was all he needed to know. No you did NOT "fall in love," at least he didn't because there is no love in that story!! Your idea of love is not the same as other peoples' so it's going to be pretty hard for you to find a guy to participate in that with you since no guy thinks that is "love." Anyway I am sorry you got your feelings hurt but there is nothing there, just move on. 2
Author Leigh 87 Posted January 20, 2015 Author Posted January 20, 2015 Sorry Leigh I don't sugar coat things. I'm not telling you to subscribe to my way of thinking but what you are expecting is unrealistic and unsustainable. Basically you are trying to force emotionally intimacy off the back of no substance and expect it to grow into something else. That is not love that is infatuation and lust, you are in love with the idea of a person and what they represent (or more accurately what they could represent) not the actual person themselves. That is desperation in itself, desperation for intimacy without actually getting to know someone. You don't have to be blowing up someones phone to be desperate throwing around words like love after such a short time is troubling to say the least. Sorry going to have to call you out on the not caring about superficial stuff. You say you don't care about job, income etc. You were just railing men in another thread about as been no good if they don't spoil you constantly and treat you like a princess. You seem rather obsessed with how you look it's kind of worrying for someone your age. I'm not saying this to be an ass by the way. Just giving you another view point to consider. You notice the common theme with people you date they are all whirlwind romances that go as quickly as they come because they are not based on anything substantial. If you want that to change you need to look at the common denominator which is you or you can continue doing the same thing and expecting different results. Plenty of couples were crazy about one another from the early stages. It isn't all that uncommon. ... I am speaking of instant SEXUAL chemistry. Not love at first site literally. .. I won't ever think there's anything wrong with waiting for instant SEXUAL fireworks. I generate it often enough with a variety of men so it's fitting enough that I should continue to date the men who give me butterflies. I know it's not true love. .it's just intense SEXUAL chemistry I have always referred to... I don't force people to hold out for fireworks so u really need to stop telling me to bypass the butterflies and the fairly instant wow factor I seek. Stop being dogmatic. Plenty of couples have intense chemistry from the get go. They know it's not love or anything after a few weeks.
Halcyon Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 I'm sorry you said love not sexual chemistry don't expect me to correlate those two because they are not related. That is lust nothing else. If you are saying lust = love then that is still worrying. I'm not telling you to do anything, I'm just seeing a pattern for you. What works for others doesn't seem to be working for you. 2
Rejected Rosebud Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 Anyway Leigh back on topic about going no contact, I think he is already trying to be no contact so I don't think it's up to you, sorry. Do you think you might have learned anything from this experience, I hope so! 1
Author Leigh 87 Posted January 20, 2015 Author Posted January 20, 2015 Sorry Leigh I don't sugar coat things. I'm not telling you to subscribe to my way of thinking but what you are expecting is unrealistic and unsustainable. Basically you are trying to force emotionally intimacy off the back of no substance and expect it to grow into something else. That is not love that is infatuation and lust, you are in love with the idea of a person and what they represent (or more accurately what they could represent) not the actual person themselves. That is desperation in itself, desperation for intimacy without actually getting to know someone. You don't have to be blowing up someones phone to be desperate throwing around words like love after such a short time is troubling to say the least. Sorry going to have to call you out on the not caring about superficial stuff. You say you don't care about job, income etc. You were just railing men in another thread about as been no good if they don't spoil you constantly and treat you like a princess. You seem rather obsessed with how you look it's kind of worrying for someone your age. I'm not saying this to be an ass by the way. Just giving you another view point to consider. You notice the common theme with people you date they are all whirlwind romances that go as quickly as they come because they are not based on anything substantial. If you want that to change you need to look at the common denominator which is you or you can continue doing the same thing and expecting different results. No my two long term relationships were it whirlwind and they still didn't last. One was whirl wind and lasted months. The is no correlation in my life when it comes to longevity AND the couples who were crazy about one another from the get go and the ones who took a while to realize they were into each other. Some couples were really into one another and shared intense SEXUAL chemistry. Others took a while to get butterflies and some couples never got the butterfly effect... There is an equally high rate of divorce and break up in each type of couple I know of ... My parents had an instant attraction and spark. Together over 30 years .... One of my friends started out with instant excitement a day fireworks. Still together. Missing one another is still exhilarating years after meeting. .. There is no reason why I shouldn't hold out for the guys who excite me after date one and who I have strong urges to make out with from the get go. I am not stupid enough to base a relationship on instant chemistry alone.
Author Leigh 87 Posted January 20, 2015 Author Posted January 20, 2015 I'm sorry you said love not sexual chemistry don't expect me to correlate those two because they are not related. That is lust nothing else. If you are saying lust = love then that is still worrying. I'm not telling you to do anything, I'm just seeing a pattern for you. What works for others doesn't seem to be working for you. I am 28 and I really enjoy my dating life thanks. I've enjoyed long term relationships. My method works fine for me.. There's only evidence to suggest that I won't do well seeking out dates with tthe men who initial excite me the most. The fact the few I've ttried things with hasn't worked out isn't an indicator that I'm my likely to succeed. People who don't hold out ffor the spark have the same rate of failed dating experiences. I still don't see why there is anything wrong with me only dating men I am into and where my heart races when they text me.
Author Leigh 87 Posted January 20, 2015 Author Posted January 20, 2015 Anyway Leigh back on topic about going no contact, I think he is already trying to be no contact so I don't think it's up to you, sorry. Do you think you might have learned anything from this experience, I hope so! I'm still going to date the men who actually excited me. I will game more time tto get to know them. He rushed into it as fast as I did too. It wasn't just me who jumped the gun. He let his initial fireworks blind him to his own predicament. I talked to his old friend. .He wasn't lying and he genuinely just got swept away with his feelings. He tthought it could work long distance.
Halcyon Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 I will repeat again. What works for others doesn't seem to be working for you. You seem to put a lot of value on other peoples relationships especially your friends which I believe is creating unrealistic expectations. I never said it doesn't work but just having a quick glimpse there is a pattern of you getting incredibly attached to people in almost no time, that reeks of desperation and would scare off most emotionally healthy people. All I'm saying is SLOW DOWN a bit even with the people you are really attracted to. I've had it done to me and it just made me want to bolt for the hills. I was attracted to them from the get go but the speed at which she pushed things felt so forced. You know what never mind good luck. 4
Author Leigh 87 Posted January 20, 2015 Author Posted January 20, 2015 I will repeat again. What works for others doesn't seem to be working for you. You seem to put a lot of value on other peoples relationships especially your friends which I believe is creating unrealistic expectations. I never said it doesn't work but just having a quick glimpse there is a pattern of you getting incredibly attached to people in almost no time, that reeks of desperation and would scare off most emotionally healthy people. I've had it done to me and it just made me want to bolt for the hills. I was attracted to them from the get go but the speed at which she pushed things felt so forced. You know what never mind good luck. He pushed as much as I did. I mirror a man's interest level. I don't believe that I need to go for the guys who I'm not excited about its just not me. I am not crying over this or anything. I'm already feeling OK from it. I'm not that devastated. I enjoyed our time together far more than I have spent feeling upset from it. I don't see why going got the men who excited me from the get go isn't working. I'm really enjoying my dating life. I am 28 and feeling in no hurry to settle down so. . . Again, I get dates easily and enjoy a lot of thrills butterflies and great sex which far outweighs the day or two I feel sad about a guy. And no I won't jump into things this fast again. I will still match the intense chemistry and fireworks and I'll never adopt a " I'm not excited about him but I'll date him because he's a nice guy" approach. I can still get the fireworks wiith men who I get to know at a reasonable pace and who turn out to be compatible.
aggie382 Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 Leigh, this much investment in someone you've only known for a few weeks isn't emotionally healthy. You can have butterflies and a spark without being so invested in someone new. I hope it works out for you.
Rejected Rosebud Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 Again, I get dates easily and enjoy a lot of thrills butterflies and great sex . There's nothing wrong with having exciting casual sex with guys you just meet as long as you use good protection!! I think it sounds like you sometimes get this confused with having a relationship or even love!! It's a whole different thing!
Halcyon Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 I'm the same age as you Leigh hell you are even from the same country as me (and an insomniac as well?). I'm not trying to be combative here. If your goal is just to have exciting lustful times then go for it. I assumed you wanted more (I'm honestly confused, your desires seems to change post to post). Then again I guess my personality is very different from yours. I've literally only ever felt this 'spark' with two people ever and I have dated a lot. I guess that is why I'm skeptical and why I'm willing to go on more than one date with someone who I'm attracted to but not "wow this is insane" and usually find that comes with a bit of time and actually getting to know them. If I waited for the spark as an indicator that things would be awesome I would be eternally single. Either way if you are happy that is all that matters. 1
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