Baddecisions Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 (edited) I first started dating this woman when I was 25 and she was 23. I'm now 28 and she's 27. We've spent over 3 years together, with 2.5 years living together. We met in grad school (I'll be finishing my PhD in May), I really liked her at first. She's very easy on the eyes, smart, quirky, and refreshingly different. Most importantly, she was basically my only friend in that program. I never really got along with my colleagues and neither did she. In the past, I never had issues making friends, but in this tiny University and even tinier program out in the middle of nowhere in Utah, there were limited people to meet. Anyway, our sex life has been pretty terrible since about 4 months into the relationship. I've done everything to try to reignite and it just never works. I gave up. She used to complain about it, but she also just gave up. I've just accepted that she just does not seem to like me sexually as much as ex-girlfriends have, and on top of that, she early in the relationship told me there are different levels of love and what she had for her ex was much stronger. At the time, I didn't care because I didn't think this relationship would go on so long; however, it did and the terrible comments she made along that vein during that first year in the relationship started to bug me . There, surprisingly enough, has been no cheating on either side of the relationship. It would be impossible, we always spend so much time together. We get along wonderfully as friends. She can't tell when guys are into her, plus she doesn't really like groups of people altogether. She's content working and then playing video games on the weekends or reading. I think that's kind of what has kept her out of cheating, because I am truly sexually useless to this woman. She started experiencing lots of pain during sex with me about 6 months in with no underlying medical cause. I always feel like she's just not attracted to black guys (which is what I am). The other catch is that she supports me at the moment. She got kicked out of the PhD program and became a maths teacher. I am broke as hell due to my stipend running out and I defend my dissertation in a couple months. Things are about to get much better for me very soon so long as I can financially make it to the end of this semester. Also, her parents (and her) think I am going to marry her, but given that God awful sex life, I would never in a million years. I can't remotely understand why she'd want to do that, either. I feel bad promoting this girl's secluded lifestyle and then dumping her leaving her with nothing, but it absolutely has to happen. I was very, very into her that first year and when I found out she wasn't on the same page and that this was a relationship of convenience, I was so disappointed. I guess her tune changed over time, but I don't care anymore. I am so depressed being prevented from doing the things I love because my gf is a homebody. I also would like to have sex with a woman who likes me again. Sure, it will definitely look like I used her money, but she used me for company. If she gets over her fear of being perceived as different and weird, she will be able to get the guy of her dreams and me existing in her life like this prevents that from happening. I guess I'm just venting, but I feel like a total jerk doing what I'm about to do in 4 months. I became so close to her and her family, I would never have finished my PhD without their support. They became my family away from home. I really wish it could work out but these are foundational things we just are incompatible on. Edited January 19, 2015 by Baddecisions
hoping2heal Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 Okay, the relationship is no longer doing it for you, I get that. Using her for 4 months so you can finish your PhD is just low though. And telling yourself that "well, she uses me for company" is high up there with the ridiculous rationalizations hall of fame. You know you don't want to be with her anymore (and I can completely understand why) but to know you want out and that you're going to jump ship once you don't need her money any longer is really just, again, low. 1
Standard-Fare Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 I agree wholeheartedly with the above. It's cruel to her to drag this along for four more months if your mind is already made up. But let's ignore her for a second. What about YOU? I can't imagine deciding to end it with someone then living with them for another four months. That's miserable, and yes, it absolutely does make it sound like you're using her. You gotta be a big boy and figure out how to live without her. Move in with a friend or family member, take out a loan... do what you gotta do.
bigtrouble Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 Close your eyes, clear your head. Now imagine yourself living day to day without her. If you can, then do it. There is no easy way for BU, someone is gonna get hurt, don't feel guilty. It would be most unfair for both of you if you continue the relationship. If you already made up your mind of leaving and feel no love.
Diezel Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 In 4 months? Really? You are going to dump her in 4 months? Forget rationalizing this. If you feel like this now, end it now. I don't care what your money problems are. You end it now for sanity's sake on both ends.
Cedar27 Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 (edited) I would highly suggest you seek counseling with her, where you both can openly share your feelings, talk about what is left of the relationship and if you are both willing to rekindle the love you once had. Both of you sound like you have issues to work on. For example, you thinking that it is even remotely OK to consider living with her for another four months when you have already decided to break up with her. That is wrong, and you should know better. You owe it to both of you to go to therapy. Going to an online forum and taking advice from random strangers (many of who are heartbroken and bitter themselves) is not the way to go about deciding whether or not to dump someone you have been with for so long. Edited January 20, 2015 by Cedar27
Marco Valerio Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 Yes you should break up with her, it seems to me more of a friendship than anything else. Don't be afraid of what might happen, is something you have to do, there's no future in that relationship, not if you want a normal loving relationship.
kendahke Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 don't be a jerk. quit leading her on. Tell her tonight what your intentions are. To not do that is you being completely unfair to her.
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