Long distance girlfriend met me and dumped me

[connormo]

Hey, so just to start this will be kind of a complicated story but bare with me if you can! To start off this was my first serious encounter and I have very little experience with love, sex, flirting, and women in general so please try and give me constructive critizism, im here to learn.

So I met this girl online about 2 years ago, for a long time we were just talking as friends. Eventually she confessed she really liked me and wanted to come out and visit (I live on the other side of the country). We had her trip planned for months in advance and were both so excited for it, she even at one point before she came (while intoxicated) claimed that she loved me.

Anyways fast forward to the week she shows up. At this point we had been talking very seriously for probably about half a year.

The first night she showed up it was a bit awkward, but I told her I was an awkward and shy person she said it didnt matter. What really got to me though was that she didnt want to have sex with me the first night, even though she said things that would have indicated towards that.

Back then I wasn't very confident and I thought it had something to do with me personally, which I really let it get to me, but now I probably should have realized it wasnt a huge deal.

The next couple nights when we tried to have sex, I could not maintain and erection and instantly blamed myself for it, eventually giving up on it entirely. I had all these negative thoughts in my head like 'she doesnt find me attractive or like me' and I even asked her at one point. This caused me to act very different for the duration of her visit and I felt miserable that we couldnt have the time and experiences we had planned. I mean we had some really good times, but majority didnt work out and I believe it's because I had these thoughts. Maybe the scenario was too much too fast to me, I will never know.

She strung me along for a couple months afterward and I became really desperate, asking her if I could come out and visit her and try again.

Eventually I poured my heart out into a message because I was sick of being strung along and got entirley rejected through a text message of her saying she met someone else and that I should move on.

About a month or so later I tried to be friendly over a couple of days, she eventually apologized (pretty half assed) for 'everything she had done', but eventually I broke down and said I couldnt be her friend and said goodbye.

Now it is about 6 months after her visit, and about 2 months since we have communicated.

Basically Im hoping to look for answers on what I could have done better, probably not giving up on it during the time she was down, or being confident in myself that I can suceed is what the answers will be but if any depth could be added that would be great. I learned I have very bad abandonment issues and still cannot believe she could betray me like that, not even giving me a second chance and breaking my trust. But I am starting to see some things from her side and maybe it was for the better, but she seemed to do it so easily is what really got to me. I may have trust issues now because of what she has done to me, and have very little desire to love again anytime soon.

Do you think she dumped me over my intimacy issues? When we talked after that seemed to be the main thing, which really had a huge blow to my confidence as a man. Or that I wasnt confident enough and became needy? I did so many things wrong that I promise myself will never happen again but she even said 'you deserve a second chance but you were too late'..

Ill never understand women, LOL.

 

Now I see myself much better than I did before, I am more confident and comfortable in my own skin, I kind of wish she could see that, but what can you do. Some days I absolutely hate her and some days Id still hope she gets in contact with me again. I am trying to forgive her for her betrayal of my trust but it is very hard. I know it is the best thing to do and i hope forgiveness greets me sometime soon but I will never forget the lies and pain she caused me. I know I took her forgranted when she was down, and she took me forgranted when we left so there was pain on both sides but I assured her that I wasnt myself when she was here and I couldnt understand it at the time... I put alot of unneccissary pressure on myself I guess, I honestly don't know. I was very nervous even kissing her let alone having sex with her.

The regret I have felt has made me into a better person and I am finally starting to reflect on the way I've lived my life.

 

 

Anyways, if you survived the entire thing and have any insight for me, it would be much appreciated! I hope I summarized things in a way that could be understood.

 

Thanks.

[preraph]

I'm a woman, so I haven't experienced it, no, but will just offer a few comments.

 

First you must realize by now that you really do not know a person until you meet them in person. Without them being right there in front of you participating in the conversation and moving and body language, it's too easy to project some extra things you want them to be like onto them.

 

As far as the impotence, just a couple of questions. You don't even have to answer them, but think about it in case it has any bearing on the situation. Had you imagined what it was going to be like over and over (either with this specific girl or just in general), whether through just fantasy or watching porn a lot? People who do that a lot can get "in a rut" and when it doesn't play out like it did in their head, it can cause sexual dysfunction and just throw everything off into an awkward place. It's becoming a huge issue now with the growing proliferation of internet porn use.

 

My guess is you and the girl both may have had a script in your heads (since you hadn't had the benefit of meeting each other yet) of what they were like and how things would happen. Not much chance you both had the same script in your head either. So that's what happens when you meet someone with built-in expectations.

 

You've got to really not let yourself keep up superlong internet flirtations. Once you know enough to know you'd like to meet, the sooner the better, before you both have false expectations.

 

As far as why she blew you off, well, meeting someone on the internet is a numbers game anyway. Only a tiny percentage pan out. On top of that there was the extreme awkwardness and sex problems. You really just both weren't feeling it, and you just have to accept that.

[kolleamm]

Don't blame yourself for the erection problem. It just goes to show women aren't what they used to be physically, and now blame us for not being turned on.

[connormo]

Yes well to elaborate on the porn thing, I realize now I probably was overusing it - I've slowed down and tried to keep things more 'natural.'

 

Maybe that's true about the idea of playing things out in our heads, I've never thought of that before..

 

I have trouble meeting people in reality as I am very busy and shy, but I know now to meet them ASAP (if only it was possible at the time).

But I have heard many times that people CAN and HAVE fallen in love over the internet before meeting, and the fact that she was absolutely thrilled to meet me and come down and then just give up and change her mind really messed with my head. The way I view it is if she truly had those caring feelings she claimed she would have given me a second chance.

 

I feel the issues we had could have been worked through and she didn't want to put in the effort that I did into maintaining the relationship.

[Omei]

Your story strikes me as odd because of how much built up went on before you met...

 

When I started my 5 year LDR when we met everything that we spoke about for the nine months prior just lit on fire I remember getting to the hotel and us just ripping our clothing off and the entire week I was there we filled it with everything we could think of dates, sex, passion.

 

Can I ask, did you guys ever do daily webcam together before meeting in person? That's one thing me and my ex partner did by the time we met in person we were already logging about 4 hours a night with face to face conversation and activities.

 

Your fears and lack of confidence may have turned her entirely off to you, it may not of been the sex but just the fact as you admitted you were being awkward around her causing the whole trip to be a bust she may of had a vision of you being different and didn't know how to handle this version of you and it ultimately made her uncomfortable as well, I know as a woman I do not like to give men reassurance over and over again, I have had men have performance issues and have told them not to worry but I have only ever had to do it once they were all confident enough to shrug it off and say something like "well next time you'll see" and never came off overly worrisome.

 

I find that most men tend to get soft when they over worry about what the woman thinks, and then girls worry that he doesn't find her attractive but its all kind of nonsense because people don't sleep with people they are not attracted to and they wouldn't be there if they didn't find you attractive so next time just remember when a girls there its because she wants to be, maybe that will help you worry less.

 

I wouldn't seek for answers now whats done is done there is nothing wrong with you it just didn't pan out.

Edited January 19, 2015 by Omei

[connormo]

To answer that no we never did face to face which I know was probably something we should have, but we would talk for hours on end.

 

And I thought we would have been the same just going at eachother when we met, she even said 'we wont be able to keep our hands off eachother' yet the first night when she didnt want to have sex she said 'i dont want to move too fast' like that killed my confidence! It just didnt make sense to me and I overthought it all i guess. And then I tried to initiate sex a few days in and she rejected me, that made me overthink again lol.

I probably just wasnt emotionally ready for something serious at that point in my life.

 

As for the going soft I shook it off the first time but after it happened again it really got to me, but yea I think my problem was worrying about what she thinks instead of just general enjoying the moment.

 

I know I shouldnt be dwelling on it so much but I just want to be the best me I can for when I find someone. I hate feeling like I was such a let-down.

[lovexocoach]

It's possible both of you were more "in love" with the idea of being in love rather than actually being in love with each.

 

Long distance relationships survive on hope and imagination. But the TRUE test is meeting someone - anything up until meeting in person is nothing but fantasy. Even web camming won't make up for personal interaction.

 

I think the expectation of sex the first night was unrealistic. It's possible there wasn't much chemistry (at least from her side) when you finally met.

 

Watching porn (combined with self stimulation) has been reported to cause erectile dysfunction (ED).

 

Your ED could be psychological - were you attracted to her, did she turn you on? (No need to answer - rhetorical questions only)

 

Your (low) confidence level probably didn't help either.

 

You're wiser to use this as a learning experience and move on instead of hanging on to the hope that she will contact you.

 

You just need more experience in dating - that comes in time as you have more dates and meet different women.

 

If you are like most people you will have your heart broken again. And you will feel betrayed and hurt and angry - that's part of dating and life.

 

The good thing about it is that one day you will meet the woman who is right for you.

 

Don't let this experience discourage you. There are lots of good women out there.

 

If you do more long distance relationships, make sure you meet sooner rather than later. Going 1 1/2 to 2 years before meeting is way too long and the pain is deeper if it doesn't work out.

[connormo]

Its just frustrating there was no chemistry because I wasnt myself..

We had so much in common and I found her absolutely gorgeous, so much in fact that I thought she was too good for me (which stems back to the low confidence). I kept thinking I wasn't doing enough for her or showing her I cared and this caused me to act upon those thoughts.

I realize now that all the negative thoughts I had cannot continue to exist if I want to keep a good woman in my life.. I have been working on improving myself and creating a more positive self-image.

But one of my hardest things is meeting or keeping a conversation with a woman, especially the fact that I know they are judging me and now I realize they can be turned off of you within a couple days, quite the harsh realization to make. More so since I have next to no experience dealing with women lol, never had any women friends and have only had a couple flings in my life...

[Kingston100]

Going back to your ED issue, you mentioned you went soft a couple times when you two were trying to have sex. Can I ask, when you went soft did that mean that play time was over? A lot of women can be very supportive of a partner with ED but there is also a lot you can do in bed that does not include penetration. If you got her all worked up with foreplay and then just stopped and said "I can't get hard, I guess we are done" then that may be part of your problem. Especially if that happened multiple times.

[connormo]

I honestly didnt know how to handle it and I don't think she did either (too much too fast with not enough time to reflect or realize why) But when it happened I would perform oral on her but eventually she would ask if I was ready to try again and I felt some pressure from that. I probably did give up to easily and that's why I felt guilty... I'm not sure.

I'm pretty sure it was all psychological but it just worries me for the future because since I've never had good sex I don't want to let that get me down

[GemmaUK]

Sorry for my bluntness but I really can't get my head around being in a relationship with someone I have never met.

 

 

There's so many factors at play when two people are physically with each other.

Talking online or on the phone is no guarantee that a relationship will come out of it.

 

 

I never ever get invested before meeting anyone online (in any way or any online format - eg friends or on OLD).

 

 

I was really shocked to read that you thought she would have sex the first day you met her and then I was shocked again that you two tried - almost like you felt you both should or something.

 

 

She met you and just wasn't as into you as the fantasy of you she had in her mind is all that happened.

 

 

Even with dating and meeting someone regularly it can become apparent that you're not suited to that person nor they you for whatever reasons.

 

 

It really is best to meet a person before talking online goes on for so very long.

[aggie382]

I'm a woman, so I haven't experienced it, no, but will just offer a few comments.

 

First you must realize by now that you really do not know a person until you meet them in person. Without them being right there in front of you participating in the conversation and moving and body language, it's too easy to project some extra things you want them to be like onto them.

 

As far as the impotence, just a couple of questions. You don't even have to answer them, but think about it in case it has any bearing on the situation. Had you imagined what it was going to be like over and over (either with this specific girl or just in general), whether through just fantasy or watching porn a lot? People who do that a lot can get "in a rut" and when it doesn't play out like it did in their head, it can cause sexual dysfunction and just throw everything off into an awkward place. It's becoming a huge issue now with the growing proliferation of internet porn use.

 

My guess is you and the girl both may have had a script in your heads (since you hadn't had the benefit of meeting each other yet) of what they were like and how things would happen. Not much chance you both had the same script in your head either. So that's what happens when you meet someone with built-in expectations.

 

You've got to really not let yourself keep up superlong internet flirtations. Once you know enough to know you'd like to meet, the sooner the better, before you both have false expectations.

 

As far as why she blew you off, well, meeting someone on the internet is a numbers game anyway. Only a tiny percentage pan out. On top of that there was the extreme awkwardness and sex problems. You really just both weren't feeling it, and you just have to accept that.

 

I agree with this completely. I don't think she did anything to 'betray' you or break your trust. You both went into the meeting with high expectations, and hers weren't met. This happens often when people develop a relationship online from a distance before ever having met in person. It's a very rare and special thing when it actually works out. It's not her fault, or yours. The feelings just weren't there in person.

[connormo]

I realize she doesn't owe me anything it's just I hate feeling like I missed out on some potential because I wasn't myself, and I never want that to happen again. What if I was myself and she truly did love me, you know? Can't change it and maybe it was doomed to fail from the distance but I keep finding myself wondering. That's why I wanted a second chance so badly.. In my opinion a week isn't enough to get to know a person and the issues we had could have been worked through after I reflected on my feelings. My opinion is that there is never the 'perfect' relationship and that some things need work and compromise (but maybe that's just because I haven't experienced love yet ) But i guess I shouldn't have expected anyhing from her.

I'm sure everything will get easier with time and experience in terms of dating lol

Edited January 21, 2015 by connormo