Ashley S Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 This guy I have been hanging out with is named Tony. I went through a break-up about 9 months ago, and Tony has helped me to get through it. I don't have much of a social life, and he provided that for me, by partying, and hanging out with different people. Which is what I wanted. I noticed Tony was acting very flirty with me, and complimenting me a lot, referred to me as his "girlfriend" to people. (this is a different guy, not the previous one that referred me as his girlfriend in my other post. Not my friend's boyfriend) I went through a break up, so I wasn't ready, and plus I thought he was immature, so I rejected him. Now he acts very platonic with me, and says all the time that he "loves me like a sister" and that I am his "sister". I am feeling used by him though and this is where I want people's input. He always asks me to hang out with him. When we party though, he makes me buy the alcohol. He is 19 years old, and I am 21 years old. But, I am starting to like him more than a friend, but I feel like he is using me because always says how he doesn't have food, and I will buy him food because I feel guilty. He is living with a friend because his parents won't allow him back into the house, and he doesn't have a job, when I keep encouraging that he gets one. Well, I just feel like a chauffeur to him. Now that he has a girlfriend he always wants to hang out on the weekends because he wants me to pick her up, and I told him "Look, I can pick her up, but I got to do something, I can't hang out." He was like "I just want it to be me, you, and Samantha." I said "I'll be third wheeling it anyways. So why don't you just hang with her?" He didn't want that. He is always telling me how much he loves me and I am his best friend, his sister, etc. But he makes me feel like I am just a chauffeur for him and his girlfriend. Because I can buy alcohol, and I have a car. I don't know if it's my insecurities, or if I am correct that he is just a straight up user. He pisses me off because he said he wanted to get food, and I said "Sorry I don't got any money." He then moments later said "Samantha makes me so happy! Like I haven't been this happy since my last break up with Meagan." I was offended because since his break-up with Meagan, I have been hanging out with him, and helping him out, and I'm thinking "What? Don't I make you happy?" I don't know if he said it though because he didn't get what he wanted, or what. I kept telling him that I am willing to drop him off with his girlfriend, but that's not good enough for him, like he wants me to hang out with them. I don't understand why? I mean wouldn't they want to be alone? I don't know if it's because he truly enjoys my company or if it's something else? It bothers me though because I don't what to do? Should I confront him? Or cut him out cold turkey? Give me your opinion, input, and/or advice, please! If you need more details I can provide more. Thank you.
ajc24 Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 I would say disappear from this guy's life. Cut him off and go full no contact, de-friend on FB, everything. He will respond in one of two ways, he either won't care/won't notice (or pretend not to care or notice) in which case, you KNOW he was using you and is an *********. Or he will get nasty and ask why you have abruptly disappeared, in which case you can tell him you felt used. This might also be a good time to confess to him you are developing feelings for him and if he doesn't feel the same way, you need to take a break from being in his life. I know this won't be easy but it will force the situation to come to a head sooner and stop you from feeling more and more for this guy that isn't being reciprocated and will only hurt you more and more. 1
mammasita Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 Wait, what? You are starting to like him as more than a friend and he currently has a girlfriend???? The track record thus far is him calling you for food, alcohol and taxi service for him and his freaking girlfriend?!!!!!!!!!! WTF Woman where are your boundaries? PLEASE Find some friends that have MORALS, goals, ambitions and JOBS so you don't get played like this. People with jobs and morals party too. 2
darkmoon Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 (edited) you need to sit him down and explain that you have just ony a limited amount of money, i do mean you to get angry, just quietly point out the facts, my mate is a total melter wiv money, she gambles, i love her dearly, but... i gave her a warning, nicely, that because she was messing up my budget, so at next month, i would be unable to help her out with loans the lifts are not on - you are not his chauffeur if you emigrated, he would have to find a replacement for your kindness, you have not said enough, if anything Edited January 19, 2015 by darkmoon 1
Author Ashley S Posted January 19, 2015 Author Posted January 19, 2015 Wait, what? You are starting to like him as more than a friend and he currently has a girlfriend???? The track record thus far is him calling you for food, alcohol and taxi service for him and his freaking girlfriend?!!!!!!!!!! WTF Woman where are your boundaries? PLEASE Find some friends that have MORALS, goals, ambitions and JOBS so you don't get played like this. People with jobs and morals party too. I started falling for him before he got a girlfriend. I just didn't do anything because I felt like I was being used, and I was almost guarding myself in a way. I do need to find better friends. I lived my life of loneliness, and Tony provided such a fulfilling social life for me that I don't want to lose that, however, I do realize it is an unhealthy relationship because I am clinging onto him because he's a popular person, and I needed that social life because I don't have one. Thank you for your input, and yeah I do feel worse that I basically am a chaueffeur for him and his girlfriend.
Author Ashley S Posted January 19, 2015 Author Posted January 19, 2015 you need to sit him down and explain that you have just ony a limited amount of money, i do mean you to get angry, just quietly point out the facts, my mate is a total melter wiv money, she gambles, i love her dearly, but... i gave her a warning, nicely, that because she was messing up my budget, so at next month, i would be unable to help her out with loans the lifts are not on - you are not his chauffeur if you emigrated, he would have to find a replacement for your kindness, you have not said enough, if anything Thank you! Yeah I did tell him though that I don't have any money. I told him kindly. He still will ask though, and I am too timid to actually say to him "WTF ID YOUR DEAL?" Which I feel like saying. I did tell him "You can't get blood from a stone buddy, if someone doesn't have money they don't have money!" And he never says anything, he probably thinks I am lying, but what he doesn't understand is that even if I had a million dollars, I am still not obligated to him, and paying for him. I am way too nice, but yet I can't bring myself to actually tell him off, but everyone has a limit, and I am probably going to reach that limit very soon, and tell him off.
darkmoon Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 then you are dealing with a spoiled brat, his family shunted him off presumably tired of their man-child 1
Diezel Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 Seriously, when are you going to have normal friendships? You are pretty much in the center of so much drama. This isn't a situation you need to be in. Exit yourself out of it. There's nothing but bad coming from it. 2
seekingpeaceinlove Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 Yes you are being used. Tony is like a parasite. Stop spending $$ on him, giving him rides and buying him alcohol. Stop it all together and see where the "friendship" goes. My guess is, just like a parasite, he will find another host. 2
Author Ashley S Posted January 19, 2015 Author Posted January 19, 2015 Seriously, when are you going to have normal friendships? You are pretty much in the center of so much drama. This isn't a situation you need to be in. Exit yourself out of it. There's nothing but bad coming from it. That's the same question I ask myself. It is nothing but bad, but it's complicated. I don't want to go back to my lonely, stale life. Tony provided a lively, fulfilling life for me. I love having something to do all the time, besides school. I love partying and having fun and being free, something I didn't do in my teenhood. I was a lonely, depressed, teenager. I also didn't have many friends, and I wanted that social life, that party life, and everything. I finally got it at the age of 21, and I don't want to let go of it, and I know if I let go of Tony that all those perks will be let go too. In the same breath I know I am being used, and I am in misery because of it because now when we hang out I am more quiet. I am not as lively. I am so confused and pathetic. I have nothing else to say toher than that I am a pathetic person. I know for a fact if someone else came along I would drop him in a heartbeat. I just don't want to lose this lively social life that I have gained from him. In the same breath I can't be used and taken advantage of. Thanks for your input!
Author Ashley S Posted January 19, 2015 Author Posted January 19, 2015 Yes you are being used. Tony is like a parasite. Stop spending $$ on him, giving him rides and buying him alcohol. Stop it all together and see where the "friendship" goes. My guess is, just like a parasite, he will find another host. Oh I know for a fact that if someone as dumb as me comes along he'll drop me in a heartbeat. He's a drifter, user, and a parasite like you said. I swear these guys pick up on the fact that I am a depressed, low self-esteem, dumb loser, and they feed on it. They feed on my kindness, and abuse it because they know I am dumb and pathetic. I really hate myself.
Ruby Slippers Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 Oh I know for a fact that if someone as dumb as me comes along he'll drop me in a heartbeat. He's a drifter, user, and a parasite like you said. I swear these guys pick up on the fact that I am a depressed, low self-esteem, dumb loser, and they feed on it. They feed on my kindness, and abuse it because they know I am dumb and pathetic. I really hate myself. Why do you see yourself as a dumb, pathetic loser? As long as you carry this self-image, you're right that parasites will continue to seize on it. Get rid of Tony the parasite completely. Try to make a female friend or two. And focus your attention on improving your self-image. Until you make some progress on that, you'll be stuck in a self-defeating loop with more users like Tony. 2
Diezel Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 I just don't want to lose this lively social life that I have gained from him. In the same breath I can't be used and taken advantage of. Thanks for your input! You can't be "used" if you allow yourself to. That's on you, not him. You have a history in the last 6 months of nothing but bad friendships and men who want to take advantage of you... and to what cost? For a "social life"? If I tried to recap your last few threads about your "friends", you'd realize how utterly bad this "social life" is simply because you are grasping at straws. Listen, I don't think you are a bad person, but man do you love to get involved with all of the wrong people. You need to take a step back and analyze what you want in life. Whether it's the female friend who wants to spend the night at a stranger's house, your male friends who barge into your family's home, you friend's boyfriend who acts like you are his girlfriend, the 19 year old kids who always try to hit on you and now Tony... you really need to take a deeper look at what you are trying to accomplish in life. You are worried about the social cost of losing a guy who has a girlfriend and uses you as a chaffeur? This thread is really more than just about that. 1
lovexocoach Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 You're being used, plain and simple. You're falling for a loser and in the end you'll regret it. In fact, it sounds like you're already regretting it. It's time to find other interests, hang out with different people, and find a quality guy. 1
Author Ashley S Posted January 20, 2015 Author Posted January 20, 2015 Why do you see yourself as a dumb, pathetic loser? As long as you carry this self-image, you're right that parasites will continue to seize on it. Get rid of Tony the parasite completely. Try to make a female friend or two. And focus your attention on improving your self-image. Until you make some progress on that, you'll be stuck in a self-defeating loop with more users like Tony. Sorry if it looks like I am looking for attention. It's really how I view myself. I view myself as a dumb, pathetic loser, more because I am mad at myself for letting it go this long, and letting everything happen. I am always ending up self-deprecating and blaming myself. I always get myself in these bad situations then I think to myself "You are a dumb bitch." Haha. Seriously though, that is what I think. I am mad that I cling onto the wrong people all the time. I don't realize it until I way later. It sucks. I am trying to gain a different social circle, and life. I do go to a community college, it's hard to make friends there. I am trying to dorm at a University once I am done there, but I fear I might be too old lol. I'll probably be 22 or 23 years old. Haha. But, I still want to continue my education. Even I am just a Ultra Sound Tech, I love school though, and I want to explore other fields and expand my mind. Thank you for the advice, and your input.
Author Ashley S Posted January 20, 2015 Author Posted January 20, 2015 You can't be "used" if you allow yourself to. That's on you, not him. You have a history in the last 6 months of nothing but bad friendships and men who want to take advantage of you... and to what cost? For a "social life"? If I tried to recap your last few threads about your "friends", you'd realize how utterly bad this "social life" is simply because you are grasping at straws. Listen, I don't think you are a bad person, but man do you love to get involved with all of the wrong people. You need to take a step back and analyze what you want in life. Whether it's the female friend who wants to spend the night at a stranger's house, your male friends who barge into your family's home, you friend's boyfriend who acts like you are his girlfriend, the 19 year old kids who always try to hit on you and now Tony... you really need to take a deeper look at what you are trying to accomplish in life. You are worried about the social cost of losing a guy who has a girlfriend and uses you as a chaffeur? This thread is really more than just about that. You have a lot of good points there! I agree with you. It's not worth it. I lived a lonely, depressed life for so long, that I don't want to go back to that. I know for a fact if someone else were to come along I would drop Tony in a heartbeat. But it really isn't worth it, I agree with you. And yeah those are just some of the people I endure haha. I cut some of them out already, but again it was because I had somebody else to fall back on. What do you mean by "This thread is really more than just about that."? I am not being rude or provocative, I am just trying to understand in specific detail what you meant by that. Thank you fro your input, and for reading. I appreciate it.
stillafool Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 That's the same question I ask myself. It is nothing but bad, but it's complicated. I don't want to go back to my lonely, stale life. Tony provided a lively, fulfilling life for me. I love having something to do all the time, besides school. I love partying and having fun and being free, something I didn't do in my teenhood. I was a lonely, depressed, teenager. I also didn't have many friends, and I wanted that social life, that party life, and everything. I finally got it at the age of 21, and I don't want to let go of it, and I know if I let go of Tony that all those perks will be let go too. In the same breath I know I am being used, and I am in misery because of it because now when we hang out I am more quiet. I am not as lively. I am so confused and pathetic. I have nothing else to say toher than that I am a pathetic person. I know for a fact if someone else came along I would drop him in a heartbeat. I just don't want to lose this lively social life that I have gained from him. In the same breath I can't be used and taken advantage of. Thanks for your input! Do you have any girlfriends to hang out with? To answer your question, yes this guy is using you. The reason he wants you to hang around as the third wheel is because he has no money and if he needs something he can depend on you to buy it. Why doesn't he ask his gf to pay for things - because she is the one he has a romantic interest in. If he wanted you as his gf he had plenty of time to make you that before he met this girl. Never be the 3rd wheel for anyone. Start hanging out with girls until the right man comes along. I thought you said you like older guys but you keep dealing with teenagers. 2
seekingpeaceinlove Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 You are not dumb and you are not pathetic. You have low self esteem and are starving for companionship. This is not a crime. You are your own worst enemy and that's the problem. You're filling the void you feel inside through superficial means and superficial people. By doing this, you are masking the true issue and ultimately creating a bigger void down the road. I don't know your whole story but my advice to you is to join a group...whether it's fitness or craft or some kind of hobby group that interests you. Find female friends of your age or older who are positive and share your interests. Start there. Good friends will help build you up. Throw yourself into your studies and when you achieve that degree or whatever else you desire..you will start building your confidence. Maybe hold off on dating or looking for a guy right now because in your current state you will likely attract men who will take advantage of your low confidence. Build yourself up first. When you become your own best friend, you'll find that you will no longer allow others to mistreat and use you. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 I view myself as a dumb, pathetic loser, more because I am mad at myself for letting it go this long, and letting everything happen. I am always ending up self-deprecating and blaming myself. I always get myself in these bad situations then I think to myself "You are a dumb bitch." Haha. Seriously though, that is what I think. I am mad that I cling onto the wrong people all the time. I don't realize it until I way later. It sucks. It sounds to me as though you are VERY hard on yourself. I relate, because I'm the same way. I imagine there's an external force in your life that has contributed heavily to all this self-judgment. It took me a long time to figure out that my own tendency to be so hard on myself comes from my hyper-critical dad. His mean, critical voice just kept echoing through my mind for years. The volume went down over time, but I still hear echoes of it now and then. Now I get that it's his distorted impression based on his own low sense of self-worth, not a message that comes from within myself. I am trying to gain a different social circle, and life. I do go to a community college, it's hard to make friends there. I am trying to dorm at a University once I am done there, but I fear I might be too old lol. I'll probably be 22 or 23 years old. Haha. But, I still want to continue my education. Even I am just a Ultra Sound Tech, I love school though, and I want to explore other fields and expand my mind. Thank you for the advice, and your input. These are really good goals for you! Education is priceless, something no one can ever take away from you, so definitely stick with that. Ultrasound tech is a good career path to pursue, and it's great that you want to broaden your horizons. With our aging population, qualified medical personnel of all sorts will be in strong demand in the future. It's a great area of expertise, because you can help people and also make a good living for yourself. I have found that I attract the best people when I am optimistic, motivated, and going for what I really want in life. It's a lot easier to get in that zone once you stop being so hard on yourself, cut yourself a break, and make some good things happen 1
Author Ashley S Posted January 21, 2015 Author Posted January 21, 2015 Do you have any girlfriends to hang out with? To answer your question, yes this guy is using you. The reason he wants you to hang around as the third wheel is because he has no money and if he needs something he can depend on you to buy it. Why doesn't he ask his gf to pay for things - because she is the one he has a romantic interest in. If he wanted you as his gf he had plenty of time to make you that before he met this girl. Never be the 3rd wheel for anyone. Start hanging out with girls until the right man comes along. I thought you said you like older guys but you keep dealing with teenagers. I don't really have girlfriends. I know a lot of people, but the problem is they are either druggies or users, or extremists. The people that want to hang with me, I don't want to hang with them because I am a free-spirit. I don't like to judge people, and these people love debates, politics, religion, etc. That is something I don't like to discuss, and I don't care to discuss. I am not opinionated like them. I just want to live life freely and happy. I don't mind that people that talk about religion and politics and what not, but I mind people that judge other people, and constantly talk about it. I also think these types want to hang with me because they know they can ridicule me and debate me because I am docile. I am not the type that's like "You better agree with my opinion, and I'll fight to death of making my point." Lol. So, it's hard I do have people, it's just Tony is one that I can be myself around, and I don't have to put on a fake facade. I can be "free" basically. Yeah, I am not going to be anyone's 3rd wheel. It just makes me feel worse about myself anyways. Oh, and he is very mature for his age. He doesn't even look like he's 19 lol. He doesn't act it either. So, he's an exception to the "teenagers I hang with" lol. 1
Author Ashley S Posted January 21, 2015 Author Posted January 21, 2015 You are not dumb and you are not pathetic. You have low self esteem and are starving for companionship. This is not a crime. You are your own worst enemy and that's the problem. You're filling the void you feel inside through superficial means and superficial people. By doing this, you are masking the true issue and ultimately creating a bigger void down the road. I don't know your whole story but my advice to you is to join a group...whether it's fitness or craft or some kind of hobby group that interests you. Find female friends of your age or older who are positive and share your interests. Start there. Good friends will help build you up. Throw yourself into your studies and when you achieve that degree or whatever else you desire..you will start building your confidence. Maybe hold off on dating or looking for a guy right now because in your current state you will likely attract men who will take advantage of your low confidence. Build yourself up first. When you become your own best friend, you'll find that you will no longer allow others to mistreat and use you. Thank you so much <3 Yeah I am trying the best I can to have a different social life. It's so hard for me. I am in school full-time so that helps. But everyone seems to want to be done with their classes and leave. I feel like with dorming at a college, you are bound to just have a different social circle, and make friends because you are dorming, but with a community college everyone wants to go to class, and leave. That's how I perceive it. You're right though! I appreciate your advice, and encouragement. You pretty much nailed it. I am starving for companionship, and it doesn't have to be a boyfriend. I don't really want to date anyone right now because I am so guarded, and I have so many issues that it wouldn't work anyways. I just want friends, healthy friends lol. Thanks! <3
Author Ashley S Posted January 21, 2015 Author Posted January 21, 2015 It sounds to me as though you are VERY hard on yourself. I relate, because I'm the same way. I imagine there's an external force in your life that has contributed heavily to all this self-judgment. It took me a long time to figure out that my own tendency to be so hard on myself comes from my hyper-critical dad. His mean, critical voice just kept echoing through my mind for years. The volume went down over time, but I still hear echoes of it now and then. Now I get that it's his distorted impression based on his own low sense of self-worth, not a message that comes from within myself. These are really good goals for you! Education is priceless, something no one can ever take away from you, so definitely stick with that. Ultrasound tech is a good career path to pursue, and it's great that you want to broaden your horizons. With our aging population, qualified medical personnel of all sorts will be in strong demand in the future. It's a great area of expertise, because you can help people and also make a good living for yourself. I have found that I attract the best people when I am optimistic, motivated, and going for what I really want in life. It's a lot easier to get in that zone once you stop being so hard on yourself, cut yourself a break, and make some good things happen Yes you are very right! I am so sorry about your dad! I would hate to have that hyper-critical voice in my head. Yeah, I love college. I am studying to become an Ultra Sound Tech, but I was thinking about going back to college to explore other fields just because I like expanding my mind, and I love education. Thank you so much for the words of encouragements, advice, and your input. It nice to see that someone understands xoxo. <3 1
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