Janiie44 Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 Hi, so here is a little backgroud to our relationship.. We used to date like 4 years ago, he had other priorities than being with me or making me happy etc. etc. And of course at that time when he broke up with me again and again I searched for happiness elsewhere.. Then it was all good and then breakup again etc. and this was going on for about 2 years.. Then he broke up with me over sms. Which was like the last drop for me and I gave up. After that i lived nicely, visited Hawaii and North Carolina (Im from Europe) and then got back to my country and dated some **** guys.. And one day I met this guy again in subway. We were like "ooh nice accident bumping into each other after four years" and we were talking and all that .. He was saying that breaking up with me was the worst thing in his life and that he regrets it and all that..And yeah I believed it and so after sometime we got back together... Everything was nice and going well but after sometime he started to be moody (he used to be like that before).. And everything was becoming **** again.. And here comes my problem.. So when something bothers me, I tell him. He comes to my place, everything is nice and all but after sometime he gets bored..but not that kind which makes you think about doing something, but that kind that blames you for it..duuh guy telling you he is getting bored with you is NOT at all nice, so I cry and tell him, he apologises and everything is fine.. So he doesnt tell me anymore, he is just grumpy and doesnt talk with me (but god bless when I tell him to think about something we could do)..So meantime we go to sleep like this, not talking just saying "goodnight". When I talk to him, trying to discuss things, he goes like "i dont know" or ignores me.. So in the end I get nothing and also am the bad person... And eventually i wake up next to him, looking at him playing games on phone not even bothering to say goodmorning (for the record he has problem with sleeping coz he is having day/night shifts so he sometimes doesnt sleep well- which is not my fault) which makes me grumpy too. Who would feel nice at moments like this.. So this weekend it was exactly like this.. I woke up (like 2 weeks ago he blamed me for sleeping too long so we cant have breakfasts together- can you believe that) and saw him playing games on phone not bothering saying goodmorning.. Asked him if he was hungry, if he wants to have breakfast (it was like 10:40 am) and he looked at the alarm clock (and i saw his face)... Immeadiate enrage..Told him that if he cant sleep he can get up and go to shop and make ME a breakfast and he told me that he would do that all the time coz i sleep for a long time..Uh..I was like alright I will go to shop and buy something for lunch..he was like "dont bother"... Sad/angry I went anyway.. Came back, made lunch and told him to go to eat and he said "im not gonna eat, you shouldnt have bother" ..Enrage again so i told him to **** off...which he did.. So i didnt talk to him, he didnt talk to me and then sent me a text that he is not going to apologise that this time i started to argue..I was like fine, dont..then we were texting etc. etc. and when i told him to tell me my "flaws" he said "once you didnt hold the door for me" and i was like "What.." I am sorry if this is all messy, I am just trying to put my thoughts together.. The problem is: when i try to solve something, he doesnt listen and goes like nothing bad is happening.. he is moody which influences my mood as well and when i try to tell him not to be like that he takes it like im reproaching him..I dont know what to do..seriously im so done with this.. All I do is cry.. Pls dont tell me to breakup with him, i want to try and solve things out And also big applause and thanks for reading this to the end..
mammasita Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 The only way to fix anything is to communicate and he's obviously not able to nor open to doing that. He's moody, he's inconsiderate, he's grumpy, he tells you your boring..... My question is WHY do you want to be with him? Why are you so set on trying to salvage this relationship when it honestly made me cringe reading it? 1
Author Janiie44 Posted January 19, 2015 Author Posted January 19, 2015 I think this is going to be a buzzkill but I love him.. and want to work things out..
Satu Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 I think this is going to be a buzzkill but I love him.. and want to work things out.. What things? To what result? What do you want to happen?
Author Janiie44 Posted January 19, 2015 Author Posted January 19, 2015 What i want to happen? Be happy together, eventually marry, have kids and live happily ever after
mammasita Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 I think this is going to be a buzzkill but I love him.. and want to work things out.. Love isn't always enough. Are you in love with being in love? Do you really love him? Are you afraid of being alone? I personally would never be able to fall in love with a man who broke up with me multiple times and told me I was boring and treated me the way that you describe. That's just insane.
Author Janiie44 Posted January 19, 2015 Author Posted January 19, 2015 No, Im not in love with being in love.. Yes i do really love him.. and no, im not afraid of being alone.. Yes it is insane but i just dont know what to do and this is not helping..
mammasita Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 No, Im not in love with being in love.. Yes i do really love him.. and no, im not afraid of being alone.. Yes it is insane but i just dont know what to do and this is not helping.. We really have nothing to work with here. You try to talk to him and he shuts you down. He got mad because you didn't hold a door for him? HE should be holding doors for YOU. Communication is EVERYTHING. What exactly do you want to hear?
Ebelskiver Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 What I've discovered with getting back with exes is that the same problems that were there before, are, suprisingly, still there when you get back together. I don't think you really love this guy. You love the guy he could be. Or maybe that he once was. But this is who he is the majority of the time. And he seems to be kind of an a$$. I've been in this trap before. As has probably every person on the forum. Where we stay with someone waaaaay too long hoping that eventually they'll live up to our expectations. Any one of us can tell you that it never happens. You guys were broken up for a reason. If he treats you this way, he will treat his children this way. He is selfish, rude, and immature. In adult relationships, when there are problems, both partners work to solve them, not ignore them. He will never come around. Continue at your own risk. Don't waste 1, 2, 3 years waiting for him only to realize that we were right all along. Seriously, print out this page. Put it in a journal. Come back to it when you finally do break up with him. 1
evanescentworld Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 Let me try to put this into easy bites: You and he are in a relationship, yes? The relationship = 100%. Janiie has 50%. Guy has 50%. Janiie is 100% responsible for her 50%. Guy is 100% responsible for HIS 50%. Janiee wants to "Be happy together, eventually marry, have kids and live happily ever after" That is Janiie's 100%. Guy's 100% is.... what? The same thing? To the same level? In the same way? To the same depth? Does Guy want to eventually marry Janiie and have kids and live happily ever after? What is Guy's 100%? We don';t know. We just know that he's not always very nice to Janiie, and is often rude, and insults her. Furthermore, he is moody, uncommunicative and blame-shifts. So, on the face of it, Janiie is 100% dedicated to her 50%. But Guy is only, let's say (generously) 25% dedicated to his 50%. Oops. That leaves a deficit of 25%. What to do about that? Well, one thing is for sure: If Janiie is ALREADY giving 100% to her 50% - she cannot up the ante and make up the additional 25% shortfall. Can't be done. If a bottle is full, you can't quarter-fill it with more.... You're clutching a pipe-dream, Janiie. You can't fix this on your own, you can't will this to work, you can't make up the lack on his side, with your 'happy ever after' scenario, and you cannot make of him what you want, unless he too is in it to win it, 100%. I hate to tell you this, but you guys might make great friends, maybe - but awful relationship partners. You're not on the same page, at all. In fact, I have my doubts you're even in the same book..... 1
evanescentworld Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 Oh, and let me add: "Happy ever after" is a totally non-existent concept. It doesn't even exist for those who HAVE been married for years, and who have a family. No such thing. Happy at times, f0(king miserable at other times, ups and downs, and major hurdles to over come, sometimes, but "Happy Ever After"....? Er.... No.
Author Janiie44 Posted January 21, 2015 Author Posted January 21, 2015 So we did split up.. Yesterday i lost my nerves.. I was all totally freaking out and he was like: stay calm, i hate it when you are like this..you are a psycho..and i was like really? then **** off, i try to solve everything and you tell me i am a psycho? and he said: yeah and i dont? i was so stunned by this so i didnt even bother reply to him... I am putting this over my head..my coworkers today held me up so i am going to get out of this forever.. thanks anyways guys.. i needed this "slap"
JChristie Posted January 21, 2015 Posted January 21, 2015 (edited) that is so great that the advice here gave you the insight and courage to stand your ground! it will be very interesting how this plays out. but if you live with him. it will be very difficult for you if you are unable to take the energy that you had invested in him BACK from him, and use this energy to help you rebuild your life. this is the perfect time for you to start assessing your personal goals. maybe you need to really step back and imagine your truly most perfect life. what kind of partner would you need to create that? what skills will you want to develop to help you be that person living that fabulous life? you also need to do things to rebuild your self esteem because being with someone who blames and criticizes can be very damaging to you. there are so many people on youtube who are offering all kinds of help for free. start doing some searching to help you stay on track. Edited January 21, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator external link ~T
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