baffled111 Posted March 30, 2005 Posted March 30, 2005 Maybe I'm a huge loser, maybe i'm a fool, maybe i'm a hopeless cause...but da(rn)it, I'm in love. My old girlfriend of several months broke off our relationship a few months ago and since we have just been friends...best friends. She has other girlfriends who are maybe closer friends, but she tells me anything and everything where as she can only tell them certain things. We have absolute trust in eachother and are very close. Recently we have begun shifting into best friends with benefits...lol, fun fun fun...anyway I have a few...questions and comments i suppose. I Love this girl wholly and completely, unconditionally and with all my heart...there is nothing that i wouldn't do for her. I've tried meeting other girls, but...it's just not the same, there is something that's just missing with them...now, i'm not saying that my ex is neccasarily "the one", but i know that i love her...and I have told her this...on several occasions...yeah, i can't keep anything from her and i sure as hell can't lie to her...She has told me that she loves me as a friend and isn't interested in having a boyfriend, a relationship, with anyone at this time...she's not ready...but if she was, she deffinately sees great potential with me and told me that she would like to go out with me once she is ready...I guess i really can't ask for her to say anything else and, of course it's hard knowing that she doesnt share my feelings, but thats not exactly the issue and i can't expect her to love me as much as i love her...we're both still young, still in school... I don't understand where she is coming from though. I know she hates arguing..alot(kinda why we broke up)...and i hate it now even more then she does, having lost her, pretty much because of it, i see just how stupid it is. Sure there will be disagreements, your two different people, but if you love some one you can work through anything and you can make sacrifices...all of you reading this:Don't argue, never go away angry, and always be willing to forgive...There is no room for pride in a loving relationship... i don't understand her fear of being in a relationship...she is not a slut, she isn't backing away cuz she would rather be able to flirt and hit on every boy on the planet...,she just, i don't know, she is a really good person and i don't think she could stand it if she hurt me/some one whoe cared about her. I think it's more that she would be unable to forgive herself then she thinks she wouldn't be forgiven. I told her it's not like she's planning on hurting anyone or she would ever do it on purpose...but, she...i...she...i don't know what her fear is or what it's founded in... I'll I know is that i love her and that i will always be there for her...god...she just amazes me...she consumes me...for some godarn reason I...I just can't get over her, I can't stand being away from her. She went on a trip for a week out of country and i was unable to talk to her at all, it drove me crazy, like something was missing. I'll help her with anything she needs, stand by her through anything, and i'll always be there for her, i love her...but, if i have to, i'll continue looking for someone else. don't get me wrong, i have an opon mind about finding some one else, but i can't deny my feelings... The wierdest part is, if we were to get back together...pretty much nothing would change, except our "official titles" would change from "Best Friends with Benefits" (benefits that no one can know about...shhh...) to "Boyfriend and Girlfriend" loi... that's basiclly it: we already have the "benefits" and we, in pretty much every essence of the word, act like we are going out...by which i mean that if you saw us walking through the mall you would deffinately think we were more then just friends... I really didn't ask anything did i? except that...well..........should i back off her so that our relationship is more platonic and...less like a bf/gf relationship? she already told me that when she is ready she would like to explore our relationship, should i just be satisfied with that? there's really nothing i can do is there except hang in there and wait...love is patiant...except i was always told that when you find something you want you should go after it with both hands, but maybe that doesnt apply here, in this situation...maybe i just answered my own question...well, comments would still be nice, opinions, criticizms(that don't have to do with my spelling, yeah, yeah, i know theirs a spell check button...maybe if i learned to spell better she would like me more...lol, nah, just playin...anyway, any responses would be greatly appreciated.
beatjunkies Posted March 30, 2005 Posted March 30, 2005 "she isn't backing away cuz she would rather be able to flirt and hit on every boy on the planet"- you how do you know this ?? when my ex broke up with me and told me that she didnt want a b/f and now has another one ?? hmm .. You dont know if she wants to be able to flirt.. You are in denial ! I was too.. I was like i know that my ex doesnt want to be with anyone else because i know her.. BS i THOUGHT I knew her.. Heres a little secret that took me a while to get.. Girls will LIE about ANYTHING to make the situation favor them !! Trust me !! I was with my ex for 7 years ! she was my first love. I am only 21 so we grew up together.. Also how long were you with this chick ? How long ago did you guys break up ?? i am guessing its a recent breakup ?? Let us know.. sounds like another case of she doesnt want to be with you but wants all the benefits.. I dont know.. I think you should just no contact her and just dont even act interested in her.. She needs to know that she cant just dump you and get you back whenever she wants.... All you are doing right now is showing her that she can do whatever she wants and you will always be there like a little dog waiting for its owner to come home from work.. Sorry things may seem good between you but she is getting the best of both worlds and you arent getting ish.. Oh wow you are her close FRIEND now.. Is that what you want? Or do you want to be her BOYfriend ?? Just make her regret her choice.. I know you probly wont listen to my advice and do what you want to but myself (and I am sure others ) on here would agree with me on this one.. So its your call.. But you should make her WORK to get you back if she wants to.. Wow she has your testi's in the palm of her hand.. haha im not trying to be an a55 or anything but im just being blunt with you so dont get sensitive and take it the wrong way ok ?? Take care Peace
Author baffled111 Posted March 30, 2005 Author Posted March 30, 2005 hey, i asked for all nresponses, even criticizms... yeah, it has been about 4-5 months since the break-up now...we were together for about 2 years. i had wrote like 4 or 5 paragraphs here, but i erased them cuz they were crap...basiclly your going to have to trust me on a few things, cuz you don't know the whole situation or the girl...No contact i tried after the break-up and it was shot to hell within a couple weeks, i tried again after about a month of being friends and was unable to effectively fade out of the relationship without hurting her...and truthfully i don't want to have no-contact...also acting like i'm not interested anymore, will not be favorable to my plight here, it will actually do alot of damag in this situation, cuz, well, she kindda knows how i feel about her, and making myself out to be an enormous lier(which will be an effect of this) isn't a good thing... i agree that she is getting the best of both worlds, she is basicly in a relationship with me without having to be loyal or devoted to me...hell, if i wasn't in love with her it would be a great situation for me too, but that's not the case. sometimes i just want to give up..tell her it's either we're gonna go out or we're gonna go our seperate ways, but then...i couldn't stand losing her, even if it's just losing a friend and not a girlfriend...she's amazing and if it comes down to it that we can't ever be together, then i still want to be her friend, so i guess yeah " Oh wow you are her close FRIEND now"...yeah it is oh wow. she's amazing and i'm lucky to have a friend like her...true, i really want to be her boyfriend. the problem right now is that she didn't tell me she doesn't like me like that and she doesn't want to go out with me at a later point...if that was the case it would be alot easier to say, fine, we are friends...but she said she would like to explore our relationship and their is alot of potential there...but she doens't want that at this point...so i don't think you are right in saying no contact, don't show interest. if there was another way of making her feel regret perhaps...but i don't think thats something i can make her feel, i think she just needs to regret it on her own. maybe i should point out to her that we are practicly dating as it is, tell her that either we should either back it off to just friends or take it that last step to dating, rather then just backing off on my own? that way there is some sort of, making her chose, making her either take some responsibility, loyalty, etc...or making her lose the benefits and the "dating behaviors" if she just wants to be friends...
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 30, 2005 Posted March 30, 2005 The sad part of it is, is that when she does find someone she wants to date and be monogamous with - you will see just how 'valuable' your friendship is to her. If you want to be with her under these conditions, then caveat emptor: you know you are getting involved with someone who sees you as a fun and convenient placeholder for the man she wants to meet and settle down with. Why people call that "friends" is beyond me. How to stop being used this way without having to go 'no contact'? Remove yourself from the situation sexually and emotionally. Stop the benefits. Only your girlfriends get to benefit from that, not your friends. Let her know that you want to be "just friends" and that means no romance, no sex, no 'benefits', no kisses, no cuddles, no long drawn out gushytalks - you give her nothing that you wouldn't give your best guy friend. Freeze out those things she is using you for. Be friendly, and treat her like a friend. Only. If she calls and starts discussing anything other than something on a platonic level, then make an excuse to hang up. If she comes onto you, take her home or leave. The harder your freezout - the more likely it is you'll see some changes on her end when she realizes that she can have her cake, but you won't let her eat it. If you can't bring yourself to do this - to let go of what you have to get what you want, then you'll have to accept this situation like it is. As long as she's gorging herself on the cake you are letting her have and eat, she'll see no reason or have any motivation to change a situation that 100% works for her.
Author baffled111 Posted March 30, 2005 Author Posted March 30, 2005 Yeah, your absolutely right... your right, the situation is ideal for her, if i had this same relationship with a girl i didn't have these feelings for there is no way i would want to change things...Either i except what i have now and forget my feelings(which means this option is out) or i stop letting her "eat the cake"(sounds kinda dirty when i put it like that. lol). i can deffinately see where she is perfectly complacent with the current arrangements...So, do i tell her outright "we're just friends, that's what we decided on, so no benefits, kissing, cuddleing, when we're at the movies keep the armrest down and stay in your own seat...etc"? yeah, i guess..well, not like a list of grievences and demands, but ok...i get the picture. Your right, your both right...thanks for the help
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 30, 2005 Posted March 30, 2005 It would be much more effective if you do it without saying you are going to. If you tell her, she may well call your bluff or think you are playing games. Do it, and if she questions it - just tell her as shortly and unemotionally as you can muster that you are "just friends". She'll freak out, no doubt. Of course, thats not the purpose of this - its to help you distance yourself emotionally while you are not strong enough to distance physically. Once her true colors on this situation start showing, you may well find that it won't be that hard to distance physically either.
tanbark813 Posted March 30, 2005 Posted March 30, 2005 I totally agree with LB. You're letting her call all the shots and set all the boundaries. She's set up a situation with you that is ideal for her. Why not make some decisions for yourself about what works best for you instead of letting her determine everything?
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