Had to end what we had over age difference...how to get over it?

[elizabeth21]

So my friend's uncle is more than twice my age and I'm going to be 20 soon. I've always had a "thing" for him but I decided to cut off contact with him last winter because I thought it was a bad idea. Well in November I saw him when I went out with his family and then started again. It started with short phone calls throughout the day then we'd talk on the phone for hours. Time seriously flies when I talk to him. Then started hanging out with everyone then hanging out alone.

 

He makes me so freaking happy but I knew in the long run it could never work. So I wanted to end what we had before New Years. Well it didn't last long because after he came back from vacation we hung out again. We've become so close these last few months. Kissed, cuddled, dates at night, etc. But it's causing so much stress because my family despises him and does not approve. And I understand why, it's a huge age gap. It caused an uproar and my family ignored me for awhile. So we decided to keep it on the down low. But after outsiders started saying stuff to my family then we realized enough was enough. It hurts because we honestly make each other smile so much. I never get tired of talking to him or seeing him. We once talked on the phone til 5 a.m. He said after we get through this he wants to still talk as friends because he enjoys me as a person. But idk when that'll be.

 

How can I get over this because it feels like a freaking break up! Please don't be judgmental. I wish he was young enough to have kids with me and we didn't get looked at/talked about. He has 2 kids and the oldest is a few years younger than me (divorced because his wife went for another guy). Everyone calls him a pervert or a child molester and he got so upset. He said we both don't need this and everyone else will be happy about us ending but us. I'm going to miss hanging out with him. My heart was guarded cause deep down I knew it couldn't work but this still really sucks. I know I deserved better a normal relationship, but I couldn't walk away. It's like I'm staring at a car accident. He said he can't go cold turkey with talking so we're not gonna talk until tonight. Now we can't even have Valentine's Day together...Ugh advice?

[umirano]

I "kinda" get that your parents are upset and that in turn is a problem for you, but others? That's none of their business. And your parents also should get accustomed to the fact that you're now an adult, and adults usually chose freely with whom to have a romantic relationship, at least here in the western world. So morally and legally you two can do whatever you please with each other.

 

That said, is it a good idea to be with him? I don't know, it probably isn't an idea in the first place, you two are just drawn to each other. Maybe you'll "sober" up when you realize how much you're missing out on if you were to remain in a RS with him.

 

He's at a completely different life stage, he has kids, and maybe doesn't want any more? And you do? There are so many things you don't know, you haven't experienced. How would you gain experience if you settle down now with someone over 40?

 

If you don't care about all those things and really need to be with him, then you should think about whether it's worth your while to give up something so important just to make your family happy?

 

Good luck in any case, and I am sorry, I'm sure it's painful.

[elizabeth21]

Thank you so much. One of my mom's friends saw us together once and told my mom. The woman was questioning my judgement as everyone else was. They all said they "didn't know who I was anymore".

 

And I do want kids. He had a vasectomy and even if it could be reversed, he's just too old to have them. I just feel bad cause I wanted to do so many things with him and now we can't. I know we'll get over it eventually but it really sucks. We don't know how to stop talking since we enjoy each other so much. We could talk for hours. We tried today but he caved and gave me a wake up call and a few texts. We still care for each other...But I'm pretty sure I'm done seeing him for a longg time.

[Seeker12]

I personally think you made the right decision, remember your 20, im 22, we are both still finding ourselves physically and emotionally and maturing, what we may like in 2 years time could be hella different then what we like now, hey my taste in food changes every day.

 

What you should do is go strict NC with the guy, out of respect theres no need for me to refer to him as an uncle, he is literally a guy just too old for you. Maybe youre in that teenage phase where you just like older guys, iv had mates like that and they eventually got out of it once they started exploring the field, so thats what i recommend.

 

Admirably and respectfully drop the guy and tell him that it just wont work, and COMPLETELY I MEAAN 100% FOR YOUR OWN DAMN SANITY STOP CONTACT, NO SEEING, NO TALKING, NO TEXTING, NO NOTHING! He is out of your life, be blunt with him, tell him youve moved on, its harsh but you need to look after yourself now, you WILL LIKE and also FIND a guy much better than this guy who you can marry and have kids etc. etc. right now you are holding yourself back, make tonight the last night you ever talk to him, im sorry but if you want to move, then this is how you do it.

[blackcat777]

If you intend to break it off, stick to NC for your own well-being and for his.

 

As someone who has experienced taking the heat for age gap relationships, I found a lot of support at the Ageless Love forums. Ageless Love - Your community for age gap relationship support! Even if you plan on ending the relationship, I think you might find that site helpful, because I know how horrible the judgment of others can be, and it's awesome to have a community that relates to all those feelings.

 

Age gap relationships can work out, but that is contingent with compatible life plans... which is the same for any relationship, really. If kids are an issue, it is unfortunate when you're faced with the limits of biology superimposed upon a far more limitless love. The age gap can make certain differences and challenges within a relationship more pronounced.

 

The flip side is that they offer a liberation of perspective that is not bound by your default generational thinking. I'm guessing you connected in a lot of really unique ways.

 

You also both have to be committed to not giving a flying ffffffff about what anybody thinks, and the blockade of your own unconsciously ingrained prejudices. I'm late 20s and my man is not quite 20. For the first two months of our relationship, I was laughing and so happy every split second I was around him, but then I'd go home and deal with night and day feelings of guilt and anxiety. I finally made the choice to stop caring about the number difference and not look back, and it was the moment that transformed everything. A lot of people never get over the gap.

 

Also, just to add some perspective about your feelings for this guy, and to address some possible shame or confusion... Attraction happens when there is a strong polarity between masculine and feminine energies. All men and women have these energies and embody them until they die (hopefully). The push and pull of masculine vs. feminine is timeless. People may embody it different ways throughout age, but it's something to consider if you're ruminating on what drew you to him.

 

^This was a lightbulb moment of realization in my own situation. Another young guy was talking about how he was madly in love with someone who was MUCH older, like 30 years, and he said he was fascinated by her gracefulness, and the fact that she never, ever, ever wore pants, always beautiful nightgowns and dresses. That's feminine energy. It's the same way a lot of older celebs still have major sex appeal. There is a concrete biology that often draws people together to successfully reproduce (why not-age-gap relationships make sense and are so common, duh ), but many markers of good reproductive biology, vibrance, radiance, strong alpha behavior or a feminine softness, aren't time-limited and can still spark attraction. I think that's what happens with a lot of age gap relationships, it catches people by surprise, and there isn't necessarily a huge cultural framework to help people intuitively understand that.

 

My $0.02. Or $0.05.

 

I wish you all the best. Even when these relationships don't work out, I think they can often touch our lives in a deep way and teach us something profound.

Edited January 20, 2015 by blackcat777

[elizabeth21]

Thanks. Idk if we can just completely cut it off. We're slowly getting used to this. He said we could always hang out on Valentine's Day. I'd like that but that's awhile away so I don't know how I'd feel by then. My girl friend joked that we should get a hotel room (without doing anything. Girls separate from the guys.) and just have fun and forget about everyone else for awhile. I said it sounded like a bad idea since I wouldn't even spend the night with an official bf but I'll think of stuff to do.

[Radu]

I think it's a good thing you broke it off in this situation.

 

I do have to mention this though ... those same ppl who tell you that 'they don't know who you are anymore', who tell you to do something for you to fall inline with their vision of what you 'might be' are not the same ppl who will have to live with your life choices.

And if you make a bad decision based on their views, bring it to their attention, their answer will be 'tough' or some variation on that ... it will all be on them.

Take the above as a general thing, not aplicable solely to romantic relationships.

[elizabeth21]

I just hate how outsiders were so nosy. It shouldn't have concerned anyone but us. But hey, that's the world for ya. I feel weird talking to him now cause it's like I want to call him "cute" or say nice things but we stopped doing that. He's holding back too. Occasionally he'll slip and say "I want to hold you" or call me gorgeous. I don't want things to get awkward between us because we had a good friendship.