Not sure whether to break it off to save the pain, grateful for any

[Emma1234]

*grateful for any advice

 

We met in his final year of university and fell for each other pretty quickly. We just really clicked, the fun, the talking, just everything was wonderful. At the time he was in a 4 year relationship with someone who he openly wasn't very happy about being with. A few months after meeting me they broke up, however he toyed with the idea of going back and forth to her.

 

I hate myself for this period of my life because clearly I was a part of this and if I could take it back I probably would. However, he then broke it off for good with her and they remained friends. We got closer and decided to make a go of things, but then he got a random job abroad. I still had my final year of university left. He moved abroad and I visited him. (this had been about a year of us involved) However, he didn't treat me so great when we were over there and we both realised we couldn't make it work because of the distance and because he wasn't over his ex.

 

We decided not to have any contact to get over one another. I stuck to this and got back into my studies genuinely believing it to be over. He messaged quite a lot but I stayed strong and ignored him as I was moving on and realising how selfish he had been. About 2 months later I saw a photograph of his ex in the country where he lives which hurt quite a bit but i ignored it and carried on.

 

Anyway, about a month later I received a long message apologising and wanting to change things. A few weeks later I gave in and responded and we ended up staying at his families house when he came back to england. it was nice but i felt like something was missing and I think it was the trust. He explained things to me and how his ex had stayed in a hotel and that nothing was going on there. I still don't believe he is fully past it though as they still talk on a very regular basis. He has since payed for my flight to go and see him which will be at the end of next month and we are talking and skyping again all of the time but i'm feeling pretty crappy about all of this.

 

I care about this person a lot I really do and I know I'm never going to meet anyone quite this special to me, but then all I can see is disaster and pain again. Already my confidence is low because of the ex situation and he hasn't even explicitly said what we are and I don't even feel like i can ask him which shows a red flag as I'm nervous about asking him something I should feel I should be able to say.

He is in this country for at least another year and a bit, maybe 2 and I am about to start my career but I have no idea where and I can't base my life around someone who can be so unreliable

.

We have agreed not to see other people and I understand why he doesn't want explicit commitment because of the different countries, the not knowing where I'm going to be in a few months, and his ex finding out but I just don't know if I'm the sort of person that can cope with this. Any advice would be great as I'm feeling pretty stuck in a hole.

 

Also, I don't really mind this but i sometimes find it hard to keep him happy. Being with someone is about making them 'happier' but sometimes I know he struggles with not looking at the negative all the time.

Edited January 19, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Satu]

I care about this person a lot I really do and *I know I'm never going to meet anyone quite this special to me, but then all I can see is disaster and pain again. Already my confidence is low because of the ex situation and he hasn't even explicitly said what we are and I don't even feel like i can ask him which shows a red flag as I'm nervous about asking him something I should feel I should be able to say.

 

*No. You don't know that. It might be what you believe, but you don't know it.

 

What strikes me most about your post is the complete absence of joy in it.

 

Its all about problems. Problems that get glossed over, but never solved.

 

it was nice but **i felt like something was missing and I think it was the trust.

 

It doesn't seem to be an authentic relationship to me. The relationship seems to exist in theory, but not in reality.

 

**It seems to be more like the dream of a relationship, rather than a real relationship.

 

To be honest, I can't understand why you continue with it.

 

Whats the point of it?

 

I see none.

[Emma1234]

The lack of joy was because i just wanted to get the facts across but i see your point. I think I'm just so worn out by the problems of it all and yet i feel so strongly for him and i miss him constantly. I just hate this, i'm sick of it all the time. I just want normal but with him no one else

[Satu]

The lack of joy was because i just wanted to get the facts across but i see your point. I think I'm just so worn out by the problems of it all and yet *i feel so strongly for him and i miss him constantly. I just hate this, i'm sick of it all the time. I just want normal but with him no one else

 

*What is it that you feel for him?

 

Don't just say 'love,' be specific.

[Emma1234]

Affection, compassion, i smile when i think about him, i feel warm and emotional. Genuine tenderness. But then I also sigh because i feel worried about the whole situation

[Holmes85]

Emma1234,

 

If you want me to be honest with you, your relationship is a mess.

 

We met in his final year of university and fell for each other pretty quickly

Most of the times, things that start quickly, end pretty quickly as well.

 

At the time he was in a 4 year relationship with someone who he openly wasn't very happy about being with.

You know what this means right? But let me say it anyway "he was emotionally cheating on his Girlfriend with you".

 

A few months after meeting me they broke up, however he toyed with the idea of going back and forth to her.

Translation: He toyed with you and the Ex'es emotions.

 

However, he then broke it off for good with her and they remained friends.

Remaining Friends was a bad idea, you know the only person who benefits from this? It's your Ex.

 

However, he didn't treat me so great when we were over there and we both realised we couldn't make it work because of the distance and because he wasn't over his ex.

If he's not over his Ex, why is he pursuing relationship with you? To get over his Ex? To see how much can he toy with your emotions? To see which one of you two is going to do his bidding more?

 

Anyway, about a month later I received a long message apologising and wanting to change things.

Seems like things aren't going quite well with the Ex.

 

He explained things to me and how his ex had stayed in a hotel and that nothing was going on there.

Please tell me you didn't believe that.

 

I still don't believe he is fully past it though as they still talk on a very regular basis. He has since payed for my flight to go and see him which will be at the end of next month and we are talking and skyping again all of the time but i'm feeling pretty crappy about all of this.

Do you know why you feel crappy? Because you are blinded by emotions right now, but there is a little voice inside that is trying to reason with you and is saying "something doesn't feel right".

 

So let me sum this all up. Your Ex Boyfriend is interested in his Ex Girlfriend, anytime things go wrong between them, he contacts you and has you as a backup plan. When things are going good with the Ex, you probably get the boot. He has destroyed your self esteem and you continue to suffer because you are still in contact with him and he's still in contact with his Ex girlfriend.

 

Emma, cut this guy off for good, he's having the best of both worlds. You are letting him play with your emotions, in fact he has played with them so much that your self esteem has hit rock bottom right now. I'm sure you want to gain it back, if you want to gain it back, you simply have to remove his from everywhere, unfriend him everywhere, text him one last time saying "I am not interested in being friends with you, I think it's for the best that we don't talk to each other anymore, Good Bye" after that you delete him, don't respond to anything. Set your Goal for the next 3 months not to contact him at all / see or hear anything about him.

 

Once you are done not contacting with for the next 3 months, I want you to spend some time with your friends, pick up new hobbies and or do the things that you like and didn't get the time before, now you have the time to yourself, use this in order to get yourself back on track.

 

I promise you Emma, if you keep working on yourself and in the process get your self esteem back and once you are out of this emotional cloud, you would look back at this and say "what the hell was I thinking?".

 

Once you are emotionally stable and know what you want, find someone who appreciates your efforts and wants to be with you and isn't hung up on their Ex.

Edited January 19, 2015 by Holmes85

[Satu]

Affection, compassion, i smile when i think about him, i feel warm and emotional. Genuine tenderness. But then I also sigh because i feel worried about the whole situation

 

Understood.

 

What do you think he really feels for you?

 

What has he told you about his feelings for you?

[Emma1234]

He has told me he cares about me very strongly and that he doesn't want to be with anyone but me. He says I'm amazing and lovely too him. I just can't figure out whether he wants to be more serious (bearing in mind i haven't said i want to be) or whether he's still trying to figure that out

[bigtrouble]

He has told me he cares about me very strongly and that he doesn't want to be with anyone but me. He says I'm amazing and lovely too him. I just can't figure out whether he wants to be more serious (bearing in mind i haven't said i want to be) or whether he's still trying to figure that out

 

He is not over his Ex this can pose a lot of problems and heartaches for you. He has not dealt with his emotional baggage and has not moved on. He may want to but he is not ready yet.