Jenny177 Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 I started suffering from anxiety/panic issues, I thought that it would go away but months went by and it got worse. Because of this my husband had to start doing things alone which before we were always tied at the hip. A week went by where I noticed a big change in my husband, He seemed depressed, distant and cold. One night I asked him what was wrong and he snapped back, "I want a divorce, I'm done". I was shocked! Nothing was going on, we weren't fighting ect. I of course started to cry and had a total meltdown. Days went by and he didn't change his mind. I cried so hard and felt like I was dying. It was just so out of the blue, Plus is trusted him and never expected it! I could have seen times in the past where it might have been said but not now! I asked questions and he was so cold during this time. The coldest he had ever been like he had no heart. He complained about everything that I did and didn't do. I dig a little digging and found out he's been chatting it up with a female just a week before he wanted a divorce. I just knew in my gut something was going on because he wasn't acting right. I brought it up to him in a very gentle way and wanted to ask questions, I am not one to scream and yell or swear like a crazy person. The second I did he got defensive, started yelling and asking me questions like how did I know. You've been going through my phone haven't you, I have no privacy yadda yadda. This reaction made me more concerned. Then he says, "I didn't cheat on you". I didn't say that he did, I figured he was having another emotional relationship since he did in the past. I found out they had been texting,calling and hanging out and we're just "Friends". This upset me only because if I did this to my husband he would divorce me and think it was wrong, Yet he has the right to hide this from me and wanted a divorce during the whole thing so what am I supposed to think? For a 1 1/2 months he went back and forth where it seemed like things were ok again and then he would change his mind again and blurt out the divorce again. I had been tugged back and forth so much my emotions were drained, I quit asking questions and surprisingly now everything is ok again and he wants to be with me. He's overly sweet now writing sweet cards, cooking dinner and got me flowers. I am on the other hand bitter now. How can you marry someone for better or for worse and then want a divorce over nothing? He even said at one point,"I'm not sure if I am in love with you any more". So how do you go from that to changing your mind? I'm having huge trust issues, I can't talk to him about anything because he lashes out in such anger and cannot communicate. He suggested counselling right before a large purchase but now refuses to go so I feel like it was a ploy for me to buy it. Plus this "Friend" he was talking to he slowly cut off ties but still has to see her at his friends gatherings. He knows I disapprove and admitted that's why he doesn't talk to her any more. I want to scream at the top of my lungs but have been quiet about it for months now. He betrayed me with this "Friend", Then hurt me with the "Divorce" words and killed me with the "I don't know if I love you any more". What should I do? How should I feel? I am in counselling & therapy now but he is not.
KBarletta Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 I started suffering from anxiety/panic issues. ... I had been tugged back and forth so much my emotions were drained, I quit asking questions ... I'm having huge trust issues, I can't talk to him about anything because he lashes out in such anger and cannot communicate. ... What should I do? How should I feel? I am in counselling & therapy now but he is not. This relationship sounds terribly unhealthy. It's good that you're in therapy but if he won't join you I don't see much hope for change on his part or for the relationship. You have anxiety and trust issues and he can't communicate and seems to have anger issues. I suspect his new "friend" didn't work out and that's why he is back and being sweet. 3
Yasuandio Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 Yep. After that "Divorce" word is spatted onto thee, the marital promise, innocence and trust is pretty much down the tubes. That's why ya still have a sorta bitter, yucky feeling leftover in your gut. It's hard to UN-SAY "I don't know if I love you anymore." I'm sorry hon. The whole thing sucks. You are young, find a more decent guy. You are necer going to forget this, and there is always the very good posibilty that history will repeat itself. Yas 1
MJJean Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 Lemme get this straight. He has had emotional affairs in the past and recently wanted to divorce you over another emotional affair that may or may not have gotten physical since they did meet in person? And you had to find out why he wanted a divorce by snooping because he couldn't even be honest with you about his reasons? Your problem seems to be that whatever he wants he isn't getting it with you and is seeking it outside the marriage. I also see no real change unless he gets into therapy with you and works on solving the underlying problem. Left as is he will just keep cheating. And, yeah, I'd also bet he is being all sweet now because his paramour didn't work out. Probably because he said he'd divorce you and didn't do it soon enough to suit her. 1
No Limit Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 Guess his affair partners weren't nearly as willing as he expected. The dating world is hard. Maybe you should take the divorce proceedings into your own hands. 1
sandylee1 Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 Guess his affair partners weren't nearly as willing as he expected. The dating world is hard. Maybe you should take the divorce proceedings into your own hands. I agree with this. I would not stand for my H threatening divorce then just coming round again. He could be plotting something and I would have no trust at all if this happened to me. This is no way to treat your wife and I would be telling him 'I want a divorce,' Why????? He may ask Reasons (just a few) I don't trust you Don't feel safe with you You're unpredictable You don't love me ENOUGH SAID. I will not be anybody's Plan B. Treat me like crap and I'm done. 2
GirlStillStrong Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 What should you do? What do you want to do? How should you feel? Exactly the way you DO feel! You are fully justified not to trust him, and not even to want to be around him. So him being nice-nice with you and buying you some flowers is supposed to make up for what he has done? I don't think so. If nothing else you need to make sure you are not losing control of your emotions or crying around him. I personally think you should make sure you are taking every precaution to protect yourself and your finances from him. He sounds unstable and unpredictable. If it were me, the FIRST time he said he wanted a divorce, I would have said "Okay" and kicked his ass out. You have taught this jerk that you will go along with whatever he decides for your life, without telling you the truth or the whole story, and that you will take him back whenever he wants back, no questions asked. If it were me, I would have taken the time to determine whether or not I even wanted him back in my life and if so, put conditions regarding what he needed to do to regain my trust on his return. 1
whichwayisup Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 Kick him out. Tell him to a pack a bag and GO to his 'friend'. Let him know that you'll be speaking to a lawyer and filing for divorce. Call his bluff! Really he's acting like a big turd and has cheated on you, at best, emotionally. Who knows how far he's taken things with the OW. Fact is, he's having inappropriate friendships and because you suffer from anxiety, he's using that against you so it seems. He isn't supportive of you and what you've been dealing with, instead he just went off and left you behind to cope on your own. Do counseling, rely on good friends and family for support for a while. IF your husband does a 180 and can prove to you that he is worthy of a second chance, goes to counseling on his own and with you, then maybe you'll consider allowing him back home. If you do nothing, he'll continue to walk all over you. I know you're hurting but be strong. Don't break down in front of him, that's what he expects, a weak anxiety ridden woman who can't fight back! Get mad, but show him you're calm and in control. 2
Author Jenny177 Posted February 8, 2015 Author Posted February 8, 2015 Update... He had a birthday dinner for a friend and that other "girly friend" of his was there. He asked if I wanted to go and I said calmly no. There was an awkward moment of silence and I finally said, Honestly I probably will never hang out with that crowd. It's too weird and with everything that has happened I definitely cannot be around that woman. He said he didn't know if she was even going to be there. Yeah right! Well turns out she was there and a lovely picture posted up on facebook of them at the dinner. I just blocked her so I didn't have to see any more photo's,tags,comments or likes that would upset me. 3 weeks later...The other day I saw that they are no longer friends on facebook. Haven't said anything about it because he flipped out on me so many times with my simple questions it's just best not to mention it. I dwelled on a lot of this for quite some time and then I tried to forget about it (even though I haven't). I keep making STUPID decisions for myself financially as well. I recently paid off a large debt of his with hopes of him paying me back. I got him a very expensive birthday present as well. Right after I asked myself what am I doing and what am I doing to myself, I don't trust him yet I am hurting myself financially and especially if the "Divorce" comes back up again. Not to mention he makes triple what I do financially. He finally took the password off his phone and even mentioned it to me like making it a point. (That's funny because it's probably because he and his friend are NOT friends and texting anymore). See he's happy again because wonder woman (Me) is saving him. He's also been spending a ton of money on things for himself and "Things" make him happy. The last time he exploded I said, "You need help", "You agreed to counselling", "It's not fair I have to go and you don't". The last time I had a very bad panic attack I was crying and said I just want to know that we are ok and that you love me, He lashed out and told me to go lock myself up. It's been proven he could care less about my condition and makes it worse. We want to get a house but I am the only one working hard on getting one and fixing his credit. He just wants me to do everything for him, When I do ask him to do something for me it's a problem or if he does agree it goes weeks/months and never gets done. He finally has been doing a few things to be a part of our household but you can tell he doesn't like it.
Author Jenny177 Posted February 8, 2015 Author Posted February 8, 2015 I also want to thank everyone for their thoughts! It really helps and makes me feel like I can be justified by my feelings. I pride myself for NOT being irrational but he makes me feel like I am. I'm still swirling with thoughts on how I should feel and what I should do.
Author Jenny177 Posted February 8, 2015 Author Posted February 8, 2015 This relationship sounds terribly unhealthy. I suspect his new "friend" didn't work out and that's why he is back and being sweet. That's exactly what I am thinking!
No Limit Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 He doesn't need to lock his phone down anymore because now he's been given plenty of time to get a secondary phone. There are more ways to communicate than just Facebook. He's emotionally abusive and you're partly at fault for letting him treat you this way. Your divorce will probably be cheaper than the house and all the "stuff" he needs to feel "happy". What are you waiting for? Have you ever thought about individual counseling?
sandylee1 Posted February 8, 2015 Posted February 8, 2015 Please do not be your own worst enemy. Your H will only hurt you over and over again. You need to lay down some ground rules and be prepared to move on if he can't comply. You have to protect yourself, because quite frankly he won't. DO NOT spend money on him like this. He makes so much more them you and yet you are lavishing money on him like this. I would also advise against buying a property until he more than proves he is a safe partner. I don't take divorce lightly, but after the way he's treated you, I'd expect him to be fawning over you at every given opportunity. Don't settle for less.
Author Jenny177 Posted February 9, 2015 Author Posted February 9, 2015 You guys are very right, I am in counselling myself and it was suggested that I get myself/anxiety at bay before I decide if I even want to stay in the marriage. She also said life is short and I am still young. I did say I thought I was emotionally & verbally abused and she agreed. I just don't know how to "Lay down the law of what I want" to my spouse. I feel like if I did I would be like a tyrant. See in the beginning he was controlling so I set out to make more money and then that even seemed to piss him off. Would writing him a letter of things I want for "us" and before the house purchase be productive? See when I verbally comminicate with him he just deflects everything back on me without even acknowledging anything I say and then gets verbally abusive by saying hurtful things. He is diagnosed with PTSD so I am gentle around him for that reason but that doesn't excuse his behaviour. He has HUGE anger problems and I also think he may have other undiagnosed problems. I honestly am just staying quiet about what I want because I am trying to get my panic/anxiety fixed. I didn't want to blame my husband but my anxiety/panic was partly because of him and the environment he puts me in. I need to do exposure therapy with him in cars and going places but I cannot go anywhere with him, I am traumatized at all the terrible events but I can't talk to him about that either. I have been able to do things myself more and more so I am just focusing on that. It's sad aint it?
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