ExtraSpice Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 I wasn't exactly sure how to title it but this is the situation. Well its not much of a situation but anyways. My gf has a friend who was going to have some people over at her place, obviously my gf being one of them. This is supposed to happen sometime tonight. Originally I was working late but then something came along and I didn't need to anymore. Well upon hearing this she asked if I wanted to come with her and I said no. She wasn't upset about this or anything but was taken back a little. She didn't say anything but I just got the feeling. Afterwards I felt kind of guilty/bad for saying no to going with her. Here are my reasons, I was just hoping to get other peoples opinion on whether the reasons seem justified or that I should have gone. I was not specifically invited to this gathering. I have met the friend a few times but thats it, besides that I literally know no one there. I am not the best or the most comfortable when it comes to a larger group of people majority of whom I don't know, small groups maybe 3 or 4 I can do. I just feel that most likely I would be awkwardly left out of conversations. I say this because her friend came over once to ask for my help. And my gf and her friend were talking, seemed a lot of inside jokes and conversation that didn't really interest me I suppose. Now besides all these reasons I feel that maybe I should have gone. And to be blunt I feel a little lame for not wanting to go. Any input is welcome!
DivorcedDad123 Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 Never feel bad for voicing what you want. Being able to say "no" when you don't want to do something is good. The guilt you're feeling is because you "probably" don't do that very often. Sounds like she took it in stride without trying to guilt you into it.
veggirl Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 I mean you could have explained your reasoning instead of just "no" but other than that I see nothing wrong with not going if you don't want to.
Author ExtraSpice Posted January 19, 2015 Author Posted January 19, 2015 That is true, she did not guilt trip me at all. Which is very nice. And I did give her a brief explanation instead of bluntly saying no, just didn't expand on that in the post. Thanks for the replies.
preraph Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 I think it's fine to decline this last-minute invitation giving her the explanation you'd feel awkward around so many people you don't know. But at some time in the near future, you do need to make the effort to get to know her friends. Maybe if you want to control the circumstances, you throw the event yourself, ask her to invite a couple of friends and you invite a couple of friends. Maybe a backyard barbecue or just go out for drinks (be prepared to pay if you invite though). This way things are a bit more balanced, but at the event, you must spend brief one-on-one time talking to her friends and asking them questions about themselves and getting more comfortable with them and giving them a favorable impression of you. Believe me, you don 't want a gf's girlfriends hating on you because they are very influential.
Danda Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 What you perceived as her being "taken aback" could have simply been in genuine surprise without any negative energy to it. If you fear a partner's anger then you are more likely to see it when it's not really there. Do you struggle asserting yourself or fear confrontation in general? Of course I could be wrong, you were there, not me. Just a possibility that popped into my head. 1
elaine567 Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 As others have said you should not feel obligated to go. BUT, these are her friends and choosing not to socialise with them, when you have been given the opportunity, may be seen as a black mark against you. I am not a saying you two need to be joined at the hip, but I guess this occasion was important to your gf and the fact you said no, may be a bit embarrassing for her, especially as the excuse that you are working is now gone and she maybe assumed you would be going. She may have told her friends that you would be there too. I think if this is a long term relationship, you are going to have to bite the bullet and socialise sometimes with her friends, otherwise your absences from social gatherings may introduce doubts about you, that need not be there. 1
Author ExtraSpice Posted January 19, 2015 Author Posted January 19, 2015 Preraph, I think that's a good idea. I think part of the reason I may be feeling the guilt is because she may think that I don't want to hang out with her friends, which is not the case. I just don't feel completely comfortable in unknown circumstances. So taking the initiative on inviting them would be a good idea. And Danda I do not in particular fear confrontation or asserting myself though I do try to avoid or resolve it fast when possible. I think the reason I felt her being taken aback could be a combination of her expression and my own thought process. It could have been a genuine surprise and I could have over thought it though I do believe I was correct to a certain degree.
Lernaean_Hydra Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 So, basically you're saying you didn't want to go because the last time you hung out with them you felt sort of left out and not privy to various inside jokes and the like. Yes? Ok, that's totally fine. But you do realize the best way to remedy that is to maybe hang out with them a bit more? No, most people don't like going places where they don't really know anyone or understand what's going on but unless you live in a small town, being around people you don't know that well - AT FIRST! - it's just something we all have to do. Personally, there have been plenty of times when I begged off attending this or that event because I felt I'd be left out, but eventually I had to make peace with the fact that, well, I'd be left out of everything for the rest of my life with that attitude. And it really helps if you don't just begrudgingly show up somewhere as if under literal duress then proceed to spend the rest of your night sitting there like a potato. You don't have to go everywhere with your mate but if you find you pretty much never want to go anywhere it's likely to be an issue down the line. 3
Redhead14 Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 I wasn't exactly sure how to title it but this is the situation. Well its not much of a situation but anyways. My gf has a friend who was going to have some people over at her place, obviously my gf being one of them. This is supposed to happen sometime tonight. Originally I was working late but then something came along and I didn't need to anymore. Well upon hearing this she asked if I wanted to come with her and I said no. She wasn't upset about this or anything but was taken back a little. She didn't say anything but I just got the feeling. Afterwards I felt kind of guilty/bad for saying no to going with her. Here are my reasons, I was just hoping to get other peoples opinion on whether the reasons seem justified or that I should have gone. I was not specifically invited to this gathering. I have met the friend a few times but thats it, besides that I literally know no one there. I am not the best or the most comfortable when it comes to a larger group of people majority of whom I don't know, small groups maybe 3 or 4 I can do. I just feel that most likely I would be awkwardly left out of conversations. I say this because her friend came over once to ask for my help. And my gf and her friend were talking, seemed a lot of inside jokes and conversation that didn't really interest me I suppose. Now besides all these reasons I feel that maybe I should have gone. And to be blunt I feel a little lame for not wanting to go. Any input is welcome! You weren't invited because she knew you were working late and when she found out you weren't, she asked you to come. She seemed ok with you saying no. What's the problem here? Why "manufacture" an issue when one doesn't exist? If she asks about it later, explain your reasons and let it go. I doubt she will ask about it. 1
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