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For the sake of the OW, I'd LOVE to stop hearing this...

bathtub-row

By bathtub-row
in General Relationship Discussion

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anne1707 Established Member

anne1707

Posted
Posted
I guess we shall see. I did not mean to infer condescension. My apologies. I have clearly hit a nerve.

 

 

Please don't think you could ever have any such an impact on me. I just find it all rather amusing, especially as you have not been able to answer my questions about my marriage when you obviously know so much more than I do.

 

I shall just remember this thread next time you complain about generalisations being made about marriages between OW and MM. :laugh:

  • Like 5
anne1707 Established Member

anne1707

Posted
Posted
In your case...

 

Ah so you would like to see others on her fail. That's sweet of you.

goodyblue Established Member

goodyblue

Posted
Posted (edited)
In your case...

 

As I will remember your posts. But more, I will remember all the BS's who 'mean well'. I wish you well, truly.

Edited by goodyblue
Got it Established Member

Got it

Posted
Posted

Like most things in life involving people, I see things on a bell curve. So with relationships that start from affairs, for those that choose to reconcile, etc. you have your extremes on either end and the majority in the middle.

 

I have also pondered how people do a fair assessment of their overall happiness in a relationship until the relationship truly comes to a conclusion. This includes the statement "love of my life". Since emotions vary on a given day, as people change, adapt, evolve, how we assess things will vary as well.

 

So I take all absolute statements with a grain of salt, because, as we know, the only absolutes are death and taxes. :p

 

I think relationships, ANY relationships, are extremely hard. It takes not just one party but both parties to actively commit, nurture, and prioritize that partnership every day. Every day. That is hard work. It is so easy to slip, to stop prioritizing, to coast. Coasting is the biggest evil and the easiest to do.

 

So if you have both parties committing and actively nurturing a relationship I think anything is possible. I can see the enormous hurtles that couples deal with when they have a child pass away. Many don't make it because of the magnitude to the partnership and to each individual. How they grieve is going to be different and how they pull together or way.

 

Humans adapt to amazing things and to amazing levels of personal tragedy and conflict. Some adapt in positive/healthy manners, some in unhealthy manners. How much we allow our coping mechanisms to remain unhealthy is the best litmus test for any level of true happiness.

 

And in regards to NC, to me it is a case by case scenario based on the details, individuals, etc. I am neutral on it. I know, for myself, I have always adapted better to a "weaning" process for any relationship ending and would rather have that then abrupt. Since one is rewriting new patterns over old ones, to not have to tackle it all immediately would be "easier" but that is going to vary by person and by the other parties actions.

  • Like 5
Jesuischarlie Member

Jesuischarlie

Posted
Posted
oh dear goody my friend and I mean that,i know you are a very nice person,misunderstood perhaps

I promise you ive haven't been this happy in years with my husband,it hasn't been easy,and I know marriage is hard work,but we are both putting in the work.

but lets not forget to mention what the stats say about being in a relationship with your xap,hardly ever works out,but you guys seem to be making it work right?so lets not lump everyone who decides to reconcile in the category that it will never work out,and I will also never tell an xow/xom that it will never work out with there xap either.

if 2 people are willing and able to put in the work it can work out,and sometimes better than it ever was

Your post smacks of real insincerity... As much as 'have a nice day'

MissBee Established Member

MissBee

Posted
Posted
Also wanted to add that I actually do not tell posters they must go no contact right away at any and all cost.

 

 

While I agree with the premise of no contact and can clearly see why that would be the best option I think to advise immediate and total no contact really depends on the poster and the situation because it really is unlikely that someone who is hopelessly in love with their MM is going to follow that advice. However if someone is posting that they are miserable and they do want out of the affair then sometimes no contact is the only way to go. While the poster may not take that advice immediately on board, if they stick around long enough they might begin to see why going no contact will aid them in getting free.

 

That's how I approach it as well.

 

I can't speak for others, but for me I really do read people's stories and give advice based on what they're saying and where they're coming from. I also have been there, both in an A as well as needing to end a non-A relationship, and know it's not easy and am aware that people come looking for advice but sometimes aren't ready to take the advice they need so I do try to meet them where they're at by giving options and things to think about.

  • Like 1
Got it Established Member

Got it

Posted
Posted
Your post smacks of real insincerity... As much as 'have a nice day'

 

Really? How are you getting that? I have reread the post multiple times and I can see it.

  • Like 6
goodyblue Established Member

goodyblue

Posted
Posted
oh dear goody my friend and I mean that,i know you are a very nice person,misunderstood perhaps

I promise you ive haven't been this happy in years with my husband,it hasn't been easy,and I know marriage is hard work,but we are both putting in the work.

but lets not forget to mention what the stats say about being in a relationship with your xap,hardly ever works out,but you guys seem to be making it work right?so lets not lump everyone who decides to reconcile in the category that it will never work out,and I will also never tell an xow/xom that it will never work out with there xap either.

if 2 people are willing and able to put in the work it can work out,and sometimes better than it ever was

 

I am happy for you! I wish all felt this way. You are one of the lucky ones.

  • Like 1
MissBee Established Member

MissBee

Posted
Posted (edited)

I think the thing is: LS is not a closed forum for OW only. I think in forums where only OW/OM are allowed to post that the type of posts, advice, commiseration and hope giving will be more prominent than in an open forum where all and sundry can comment. That's just how it is, so I do think part of it is that one has to understand the limits of this kind of forum and match your expectations to it versus expecting something totally unlikely. I have said before that while I was in my own A, I wasn't on any forums discussing it. It wasn't because I was happy all the time with it or that I wasn't sometimes upset and bothered, I was, but I think it never occurred to me largely because I knew most people would tell me to leave or point out how I got myself into that situation (which I knew already), so I just lived my life, spoke to my friends sometimes, and decided that when I was ready I'd be ready. If you don't want to leave your A and are in turmoil or pain and come to LS most people are going to advise you to leave or point out things you don't want to hear....that's just how it is....that to me is expected, hence I didn't bother with forums in mine because I knew what the advice would be if I threw out that problem to a bunch of people. However, I think OW-only forums have a better chance of providing a more supportive environment if supportive means looking mostly on the bright side and giving advice how to stay and be happy more than changing things.

 

You have to be realistic about what to expect from different forums. There have even been OW who said they were on OW-only forums and eventually moved on and came to LS because after a while they felt stuck on the other forums and it wasn't helping them to make a choice but made them more complacent with the A. So it's really about where you're at, what you're looking for and which avenues are best to get you there. I first joined LS after a breakup and was not ready for the NC advice. It was TERRIFIC advice (that I eventually did and found the value in it), but didn't mean I was ready for it at the time. I was told to go NC and I huffed and puffed and logged off for a long time. I kept scouring the "Second Chances" section just looking for hope, looking for stories of how people got back with their exes and just was against all ideas that NC and moving on were best. I still read from time to time though and with time and my own growth I came to realize that people were right, I just wasn't as yet ready. I therefore don't believe that feeling conflicted or upset by advice you don't like is a traumatic or even negative thing necessarily. Feeling conflicted won't kill you and isn't necessarily unhealthy but why you feel conflicted should be explored for the truth and lesson in it. People may be wrong about your situation OR it could be that you're the one who is not emotionally ready. Either way if you keep coming back, you're getting something from the exchanges, and no one here is really giving you a prescription, just things to think about or even vehemently object to, then ultimately you do what you will with it.

Edited by MissBee
  • Like 5
snappytomcat Established Member

snappytomcat

Posted
Posted
Your post smacks of real insincerity... As much as 'have a nice day'

and how so?you don't know me you are new here im always sincere,and kind and honest so please tell me where im so insincere,

  • Like 6
anika99 Established Member

anika99

Posted
Posted
Really? How are you getting that? I have reread the post multiple times and I can see it.

 

 

I can't see it either. That poster came out of left field.

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