itsallnewtome Posted January 18, 2015 Posted January 18, 2015 hello everyone, this is my first time posting on here.* me and my girlfriend are the perfect match , all apart from we are very different mentally . I have had problems with thoughtlessness and not being able to process my thoughts at all. and when I got into a drugs habit it got 10x as bad. I didn't realise it , but I'd turned myself into a zombie. I had to rebuild myself from the ground up again. my girlfriend on the other hand is very intelligent. she is fascinating, hilarious to listen to and very wise. I fear she will get bored of not being intellectually stimulated by me enough because of my thoughtlessness. we have amazing conversations , but all too often it relies on her driving it with her interesting thoughts and jokes. I'll cut to the chase. I've been feeling very confused about my relationship with my girlfriend of a year for a while now. previously, she was clearly the one who was more involved and in love with me. I would always be asking myself if I wanted to be with her. she smothered me with calls and texts and talk of how happy she is now that she has met me. time passed and as we got to know eachother better I realised what an amazing person she is , everything was great.. we planned to travel the world together. but after our first trip away everything changed. during the holiday (less than 2 months ago) we argued, and something must have happened to turn her off me in a big way. a little while after we were back she decided she needed a break. 4 days passed, and she told me she wanted to see me. we met and she apologised for calling the break , said how great I am and that she loved me.* now this is where I think I shot myself in the foot. I spilled all kinds of romantic goop to her that night, told her how I couldn't imagine meeting anyone like her ever again, that I missed looking into her eyes, and that she was perfect , among other things. at the time she absolutely loved it and we were happy to be together again. but*I think I gave it to her all too easily.* recently I feel she has been taking me for granted since I said all that to her, and am in constant confusion. I think a big part of what made her want me in first place is that I am popular with girls, and she didn't know whether I wanted her or not. now having said all of that, she probably thinks she has me wrapped around her finger , and it's killed the excitement for her. okay here I'll list some behaviours shes been engaging in through the last week that are making me confused ; last week she made no effort to contact me.* we arranged a date at a restaurant and she completely forgot to meet me. she said she was very busy working on a deadline for work during the time she was meant to meet and forgot, but I know she's very thoughtful and the kind of girl who doesn't forget things like this. she hasn't been trying to make plans with me . when I mention ideas for fun things to do together she does not seem interested.* (usually she would call me nearly every day, and we would text constantly) the last time we met (yesterday) we had a really good time, but she did not talk about her feelings or say she loved me (I'd made a decision to not say it first this time) she also did not reciprocate when I tried to kiss her, but then 10 minutes later she initiated sex?! * we went out that night and in the morning talked and cuddled and laughed like best friends for hours . I'm thinking surely after we had such a great time she would want to initiate talking again!* I know that she would never cheat on me. she is a very good person , and has been cheated on before and knows the pain it causes. i think she is faithful and another guy is not involved. what I'm so confused about is what I should do about it all. it seems I have two options here .* 1:* I could confront her about it and tell her of my confusion and tell her I do not want to be in a relationship if she doesn't want in with me too. this could work as it would remind her I'm not going to just stick around and let her treat me unlovingly, she may realise what she's got and that she could actually lose it . it may also not work because if I give her an ultimatum her mind may already be half made up and me putting the words in her mouth might make it easier for her to just end it. OR 2: I can give her space and initiate no contact. just give her as good as she's giving me ( or slightly less ) . lay off the smushy romance talk, and try to be the mysterious guy she originally fell in love with. make her wonder what I'm doing instead of talking to her. also if we do meet I will not be as keen to have sex with her, and I will not try to kiss her. this will be hard as she is gorgeous and we have amazing sex , but I want her to really want it, not just decide on a whim to initiate and me jumping at the chance. what do you guys think I should do in this situation? if you read this far, THANKYOU! itsallnewtome
Ebelskiver Posted January 18, 2015 Posted January 18, 2015 You guys have been dating a year so I would hope you're past the point of playing games. But I know I've done the same thing as well. My gut wants to tell you to just chill, give her some space. But I also feel that whatever the problem is that you won't really resolve it unless you two actually sit down and talk. So in the end, that's my advice. You can just start with, "I've noticed you've been distant lately. Is there a reason you want to discuss with me?" Power dynamics constantly change in relationships. It can be strange going from the less caring partner to the more invested one. It may not mean the relationship is over, but it does signal that greater communication is needed. 1
Author itsallnewtome Posted January 19, 2015 Author Posted January 19, 2015 thanks for the reply man. I think I should initiate no contact , and if she leaves it a long time before talking to me I'll bring up the distance I've been feeling. I never imagined being the more insecure one in the relationship, it's awful. if anyone else has more suggestions please fire away! 1
todreaminblue Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 as an intelligent woman i will say this..no contact doesnt solve anything really ....just widens the divide....fi you have a problem as a problem solver i would say to you....solve the problem with your gf by talking to her being open and honest....after a year it is understandable you said romantic things.....it isnt mush...how you are feeling is as important as her feelings to you know.... intelligence likes problems....puzzles.....you have a perfect opportunity to broaden your communication here...step up ...communicate and be upfront about what you want and how you feel.... can i ask where you went on your holiday, how long did you go...where there problems or fights you remember to give me some insight..... and what do you feel happened then to change the dynamic..did you feel the shift....do you like puzzles? would you classify yourself as a problem solver or do you run and expect others to solve them because they are too hard to solve....the problem with problems...is they remain until they are solved to haunt you....for intelligent people unresolved problems spill over into frustration...at the person normally who is thinking they can avoid it.....deb
Author itsallnewtome Posted January 19, 2015 Author Posted January 19, 2015 thankyou for your reply. for our travels we were originally planning on travelling through america, but we started off by going to amsterdam for only one week. we had previously been to a music festival for 4 days together and that was amazing. but on our first day in amsterdam we argued. she has this problem that she gets hungry and doesn't realise it - and when she is hungry she is very irritable and stubborn. i did not know of her having this problem before and when presented with it did not understand , and so i was snapping back at her. i felt like i couldn't just let myself be submissive to her, i felt like she was trying to walk all over me when she was acting like this and so responded with contempt. i think this was a big part in the shift but surely it couldn't have been all of it? what you said about puzzles, she is the problem solver - as i've had problems with my thoughts i always have tended to ask questions before even trying to find the answer myself! even the simplest things that if i thought about it for 2 seconds i would have the answer. i've had this problem a very long time and recently have been really trying to curb it - i make a fool of myself often because of it. its something i deeply want to change about myself. she told me this bothers her aswell. this is probably the other half of what turned her off. example - i remember we argued when we were trying to find our way around the busy city. i was trying to get her to stop walking so we could ask a local for directions, (getting someone else to solve the problem) but she was refusing, she wanted to use the map by herself and figure it out. we hardly had sex at all that holiday, we were both so excited before we went to have a hotel room with a double bed with no noise limitations. we even bought sex toys, baby oil and everything, and didn't use any of it. she often didn't want to kiss me. as soon as we were back i felt the shift. i really missed her but she gave no signals that she missed me at all - then she came round mine and we spoke about it, and she told me often times while we were there she was wishing she was home . this was horrible to hear, it was awful. if i am to talk to her about this, do you think i should i do it over the phone or in person? thanks again.
lovexocoach Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 Talk to her in person. You have to find out what's going on here. Otherwise you're just guessing and it's going to drive you nuts and could ruin the relationship. Good luck.
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