roedeer Posted January 18, 2015 Posted January 18, 2015 Hi LS, It happened tonight and I feel very upset. When we were walking, there were two girls on the street taking their cab, my bf whistled to them. I dont think they heard it, but it's such a rude thing to do, especially in front of me. So when we got home, I asked him why he did that. He then told me he got turned on by hot girls on the street all the time. I felt really upset, in the past, he always told me that I'm the most beautiful person. Sometimes, I saw a beautiful woman and asked him like "do you think the lady we just pass is very attractive? " and he couldn't answer because when he was with me, he didn't pay attention to any women on the street. I continued telling him that I felt like "my existence " wasn't important to him anymore. Actually, he isnt excited to see me, he is doing all his activities without me, we dont go out. Our dates will be staying in his apartment and cook, then watch a movie together, then I go home and he goes to bed. He lives in the 5th floor, used to walk me down to my bike, but now stop doing that because he always feels tired and need to go to sleep right away. When I kept telling him that he was distant and de-attached, he said it's true. And that he wasn't very sure anymore. So I asked if he want to break up because it didnt feel right since I considered him my lover, my partner and my best friend in the world, but he felt unsure about us. He refused. He said it was normal to slow down after being in relationship for a year. Why should couple have to slow down, the longer time they spend together, closer and more attached they should become, that's what I think. Half a year ago, he always told me he loved me more than anyone he ever loved. And that he wanted to marry me and had kids with me. Now, he said I was pushing him if I ever talked about marriage. Do you think my bf is not interested in me anymore? Ohh, I feel so sad now.
toscaroscura Posted January 18, 2015 Posted January 18, 2015 This doesn't sound right. While initial intense feelings might give way to more comfortable, in-love feelings, no it is NOT normal to become distant and uncaring after 1 year. The fact that he's started to whistle at "hot girls" in front of you, without caring about how it might make you feel, is telling. I almost sense that he's trying to drive you to break up with him because he's too chicken to do it himself. 11
Zahara Posted January 18, 2015 Posted January 18, 2015 Apparently being disrespectful to you is his passive way of telling you that he does not care anymore. He's giving you hints, hoping you will end it with him. 10
kendahke Posted January 18, 2015 Posted January 18, 2015 Hi LS, It happened tonight and I feel very upset. When we were walking, there were two girls on the street taking their cab, my bf whistled to them. I dont think they heard it, but it's such a rude thing to do, especially in front of me. So when we got home, I asked him why he did that. He then told me he got turned on by hot girls on the street all the time. I felt really upset, in the past, he always told me that I'm the most beautiful person. Sometimes, I saw a beautiful woman and asked him like "do you think the lady we just pass is very attractive? " and he couldn't answer because when he was with me, he didn't pay attention to any women on the street. I continued telling him that I felt like "my existence " wasn't important to him anymore. Actually, he isnt excited to see me, he is doing all his activities without me, we dont go out. Our dates will be staying in his apartment and cook, then watch a movie together, then I go home and he goes to bed. He lives in the 5th floor, used to walk me down to my bike, but now stop doing that because he always feels tired and need to go to sleep right away. When I kept telling him that he was distant and de-attached, he said it's true. And that he wasn't very sure anymore. So I asked if he want to break up because it didnt feel right since I considered him my lover, my partner and my best friend in the world, but he felt unsure about us. He refused. He said it was normal to slow down after being in relationship for a year. Why should couple have to slow down, the longer time they spend together, closer and more attached they should become, that's what I think. Half a year ago, he always told me he loved me more than anyone he ever loved. And that he wanted to marry me and had kids with me. Now, he said I was pushing him if I ever talked about marriage. Do you think my bf is not interested in me anymore? Ohh, I feel so sad now. He's certainly acting like someone who doesn't give a damb about you. You might be well served to put some distance between you and him. Yes, it's normal to slow down some things, but it's not normal to allow your woman to walk to her transportation by herself after spending time with you. It's not normal to whistle after other women and then say because they're hot and they turned him on. Is he that dull? He's not including you in his activities anymore--could be because there is some other chick whose attention he's trying to get and he can't do that with you in attendance. You don't need his permission to end things. He's not treating you right. YOU need to treat you right and not subject yourself to this kind of treatment. 3
Satu Posted January 18, 2015 Posted January 18, 2015 It sounds to me that you have found out who he really is. It's not about you. It's about him. He's just not as nice as you thought he was. 4
Dallers Posted January 18, 2015 Posted January 18, 2015 You have to make the decision but things will only get worse never better. If you walk away now personally it is the right thing to do. It is only a matter of time before he cheats on you with one of these girls that he finds attractive. He does not feel the same way and in time you should grow stronger and closer even if the passion slows down the feelings do not. He will realise what he has lost when you walk away, don't go back. Things will never be the same. 5
Satu Posted January 18, 2015 Posted January 18, 2015 If you walk away now, you get a big dose of pain, but if you don't, you get it drip by drip, day after day. 6
Ninjainpajamas Posted January 18, 2015 Posted January 18, 2015 (edited) First off, unfortunately most guys are lying when they say you are "the most beautiful woman in the world"...they just kind of say that because they're supposed to. When it comes to beauty, someone is always going to be more "beautiful" than you chances are, but with the emotions involved, if they are high enough then it won't be as much of a distraction or necessarily how he sees you...but this is in the minority of guys who actually are in-love with their SO's and not just saying it to please you or just in the infatuation phase of the relationship. Second of all...this really sounds like a case where you're being a typical woman and making it all about him and the center of your universe but believing because you feel that way so does he and he somehow comes into that inner circle with you....which seems all great and fine until reality comes crashing down, because it's not a genuine connection as he obviously doesn't feel the same way...it's a one way street paved and dreamed up by you. Finally I think he's either met someone else or is just trying to initiate a break-up by disrupting the relationship...doing things he intentionally knows you do not like or would find offensive...those are the easiest buttons to push when a person knows exactly what you don't like but does it anyway...it's obviously disrespectful and he's making that clear. I think he's got eyes for someone else and after really thinking about the relationship, he has decided that now that he's swooned you...he doesn't really want this. However this is very common in my experience for men to do, although it might be new to you or some other people, it's pretty common because that initial wave of a relationship where everything is new and so great is so easy to ride and make everything seem so wonderful and perfect...but the reality is, the relationship doesn't get started until at least 3 or 4 years into the relationship. I think when he was telling you one thing, it was in the moment....now reality is kicking back in for him and he's probably got his eye on someone else. Which if you're smart...and can actually do the best thing for yourself instead of just listen to your feelings who think they can fix this or try to find the problem and all that crap...you'll walk away now, because this is just the hugest red flag you could possibly have right now, this is time to move on. But go ahead, pressure him, ask him "why" even though it doesn't matter and he'll never give you an answer good enough just some BS...have your difficulty believing it's true that he doesn't "feel the same way" and manipulate yourself into thinking he does, he's just confused or something and needs to get back on track....and live in denial until you finally accept the truth or like some women never do. Edited January 18, 2015 by Ninjainpajamas 2
irresolute Posted January 18, 2015 Posted January 18, 2015 Hi LS, It happened tonight and I feel very upset. When we were walking, there were two girls on the street taking their cab, my bf whistled to them. I dont think they heard it, but it's such a rude thing to do, especially in front of me. So when we got home, I asked him why he did that. He then told me he got turned on by hot girls on the street all the time. I felt really upset, in the past, he always told me that I'm the most beautiful person. Sometimes, I saw a beautiful woman and asked him like "do you think the lady we just pass is very attractive? " and he couldn't answer because when he was with me, he didn't pay attention to any women on the street. I continued telling him that I felt like "my existence " wasn't important to him anymore. Actually, he isnt excited to see me, he is doing all his activities without me, we dont go out. Our dates will be staying in his apartment and cook, then watch a movie together, then I go home and he goes to bed. He lives in the 5th floor, used to walk me down to my bike, but now stop doing that because he always feels tired and need to go to sleep right away. When I kept telling him that he was distant and de-attached, he said it's true. And that he wasn't very sure anymore. So I asked if he want to break up because it didnt feel right since I considered him my lover, my partner and my best friend in the world, but he felt unsure about us. He refused. He said it was normal to slow down after being in relationship for a year. Why should couple have to slow down, the longer time they spend together, closer and more attached they should become, that's what I think. Half a year ago, he always told me he loved me more than anyone he ever loved. And that he wanted to marry me and had kids with me. Now, he said I was pushing him if I ever talked about marriage. Do you think my bf is not interested in me anymore? Ohh, I feel so sad now. He doesn't respect you and you should walk away. End of the story. 3
Dontfindme Posted January 18, 2015 Posted January 18, 2015 He blatantly went ahead and disrespected you to your face. If his mom was with him, you think he would have whistled at the girls? Nope. He did it because he felt he could do it and get away with it, and because he doesn't care at all about how it made you feel. That he thinks whistling at girls is the proper way to express his attraction (forgetting for a moment that he has a gf) is also indicative of the kind of person he is. Ultimately, he has been withdrawing more and more over time. You're finally starting to see it. And now that you do see it, you should do something about it. Do you want to wait around more, and have him continue to pull at your heartstrings? Or do you want to retain your dignity and self-respect, and bid him farewell, because you deserve to be treated better than this? 3
Redhead14 Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 Hi LS, It happened tonight and I feel very upset. When we were walking, there were two girls on the street taking their cab, my bf whistled to them. I dont think they heard it, but it's such a rude thing to do, especially in front of me. So when we got home, I asked him why he did that. He then told me he got turned on by hot girls on the street all the time. I felt really upset, in the past, he always told me that I'm the most beautiful person. Sometimes, I saw a beautiful woman and asked him like "do you think the lady we just pass is very attractive? " and he couldn't answer because when he was with me, he didn't pay attention to any women on the street. I continued telling him that I felt like "my existence " wasn't important to him anymore. Actually, he isnt excited to see me, he is doing all his activities without me, we dont go out. Our dates will be staying in his apartment and cook, then watch a movie together, then I go home and he goes to bed. He lives in the 5th floor, used to walk me down to my bike, but now stop doing that because he always feels tired and need to go to sleep right away. When I kept telling him that he was distant and de-attached, he said it's true. And that he wasn't very sure anymore. So I asked if he want to break up because it didnt feel right since I considered him my lover, my partner and my best friend in the world, but he felt unsure about us. He refused. He said it was normal to slow down after being in relationship for a year. Why should couple have to slow down, the longer time they spend together, closer and more attached they should become, that's what I think. Half a year ago, he always told me he loved me more than anyone he ever loved. And that he wanted to marry me and had kids with me. Now, he said I was pushing him if I ever talked about marriage. Do you think my bf is not interested in me anymore? Ohh, I feel so sad now. This is the reason for managing your expectations and continuing to be centered as a person all through a relationship. And, it's not about how long they've been spending time together, it's about the amount of time and the quality of that time that keeps a relationship going. You've been dating for a year and he sends you home all the time after spending time together? Granted, you've probably decided not to live together yet, but you should be spending a few entire nights together. If after a year, you're having sex with someone and they send you home, it's likely that person is just comfortable and having sex and not wanting to invest anymore into a relationship. It is normal to "slow down" with some things later in a relationship, but they should be making you feel loved. When that stops, then you need to re-evaluate the situation. Since he's unsure and not investing anymore into the relationship, I would not invest more of yourself. I'd start doing more things for myself and focusing on my needs. I would hit "the reset" button, here, so to speak. I'd stop initiating contact with him. Let him contact you first for a while. Stop pushing the issue and take sex off the table as well. Don't tell him that's what you're doing, just don't give the opportunity for it. IN other words, if you two get together at his place, simply say you have something to do early in the morning and are going home before things get sexual. This is not about using sex as a weapon or tool of manipulation, it is about being able to "see" the relationship clearly. If he is sensitive to the situation and truly wants to maintain a relationship, he will sense that you too are re-evaluating which you should be doing. Do more things on your own, go out with friends, and actually not be availabke all the time. Don't play games, just start enjoying yourself without him more often. 1
Author roedeer Posted January 23, 2015 Author Posted January 23, 2015 Thank you so much for your advices, I was wondering for the last few days. I do love my bf, he is a sweet guy, and although it seems like I'm no longer his priority, I don't want to give up on our relationship yet. About spending nights together, we do that every now and then, and it is not bad. About sex, I don't think withdrawing sex will help, at the end, it's me who want sex more, he is an older man who is totally happy with...once a week or less, and I want it everyday. He tried to show some effort for the last few days, after our serious talk, he called me everyday before he went to work (at 6am, which woke me up, but I totally liked it). However, he still doesn't try to spend enough time being with me - we met once a week. I can understand your advice that I shouldn't be too available. I don't want to be too available, but I hate to do things alone or with others. I want our mutual activities help to create the bond. But anyway, he can not make time for me, so I just register for an art class. As least it's a kind of activities that fit an introvert like me well.
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