Having trouble understanding why he suddenly disappeared after dating for 3 months

January 18, 2015

I met a lovely man online at the end of last summer, and we started dating mid september. He is 40, intelligent, fairly quiet, a bit shy, and very kind. From the start the chemistry was very strong, and we slept together very quickly. We carried on seeing each other once a week, though there wasnt much contact from him in between dates. But we went out for meals, to the theatre, and a night away in the city. He was always very romantic, attentive, and just lovely to me. We just seemed to click. He said things like he'd 'wished he had met me years earlier, we would have made lovely babies..' and how good he felt when he was with me. He said he never thought someone like me would be interested in him. All the lingering eye contact, smiles, tender hugs, gifts, offering to help me with things. He bought my daughter a christmas present, and was worrying over what he should get me. Etc etc. Of course i fell for him. Hard. After being single for three years i really felt hopeful about us being together. The only downside was that he wasnt a great conversationalist, and he did talk with bitterness about about his abusive ex wife a LOT. Which yeah, i realise it is a huge red flag, but he had divorced her 3 years ago! We hadnt talked about our 'relationship' as i felt it a bit soon and didnt want to scare him off!

But then.. a couple of weeks ago i saw that he was stlll on the dating site, and was online and had updated his profile and even had new pictures. The irony.. i only looked as i was missing him and wondered if his pictures were still up. I had taken mine down ages before, but mainly because i was getting too many messages. I only like to date one person at a time. I felt sick when i saw it.

Anyway, it was unlike me, but i was impulsive and sent a text asking him what was going on.. why was he wasting my time if he was just looking for someone else. He replied that it wasn't a big deal for him, he just likes talking to people. Yeah righht. I said giving the benefit of the doubt, well ok, but i didnt understand if he wants to be with me or not.. And that was it. He didn't reply, and hasn't ever since. That was three weeks ago. Nothing.

I am so hurt and upset, i keep replaying it all in my mind. I miss him a lot. Why did he seem so very keen and loved up then suddenly change his mind? It makes no sense to me. I dont know how to let this go. Should i get in touch with him or leave him be?

January 18, 2015

I'm sorry but he's been playing the field and you are just another girl, it hits I know but hes either working through the list for sex or looking for something better to come along.

So sorry to be harsh but go NC, delete any potential contact and move onwards, xx

January 18, 2015

This hurts, but it seems like you got played. I think he just wanted you around for something casual. It happens, and it sucks. Don't blame yourself. Next time, if a guy isn't at least mentioning being exclusive in 3 months, that's a red flag. Also the little contact in between the dates is a red flag after 3 months. I'm sure he was seeing other women during this time.

January 18, 2015

This is precisely why I dislike online dating so much. You are just an option, never a priority. One of many. I'm sorry you had this experience alice73.

He sounds like a player in the true sense: the way he quickly got you to into bed, no communication between dates (were the dates always set up last minute or ahead of time?), he's still hung up on his ex-wife (his bitter talk about her despite the 3 years since his divorce), the fake future talk (he wants to have babies with you, etc.) and the biggest red flag of all: he's still active on the online dating website where he met you.

He's a real jerk for the fact that he didn't bother to be honest with you and apologize once you texted him. Or, when he first met you, he should have told you he was multi-dating and not interested in a commitment. Basically, he used you (and your poor daughter -- buying her a Christmas present but then bails on you). He's not worth any follow up communication with. He's shown you his true colors and they are not of the warm, happy, pastel sort.

Do yourself a favor, delete and block him from your life. Be grateful you only invested 3 months and not any longer with this commitment phobe. Guys who come on strong and say all the right things like he did, are psychological wolves in sheep's clothing for the way they manipulate single women.

It's especially disgusting that he could just bail on you without a word, because you are a single mom and single mom's are women you don't mess around with. So he's a cad for the way he handled himself with you, and you should breathe a sigh of relief that he showed you whom he truly is, because he's not the type of man you'd want in your daughter's life as a father-figure (a guy who can't take responsibility, who isn't straightforward or honest, doesn't set good boundaries and who sounds really self centered).

Edited January 18, 2015 by writergal

January 18, 2015

He may also have lingering issue with his past relationship that just wont allow him to get too serious with just one person. I found that with my ex. They have a tendency to sabotage relationships when things might be going too well. It may very well take him a very long time, if ever, to get back into a serious relationship and he may just want sex right now with no emotions. Take things a little slower if you can next time as far as the sex goes if you find you really like someone and want more. Having sex too quickly with someone you met on a dating site is a red flag if you are looking for more.

Edited January 18, 2015 by dumbass2

January 18, 2015

I know I may sound like a broken record, but Narcissistic Personality Disorder comes to mind, when reading about this guy.

They come on very strong, sex starts rapidly, charming...and then bam, they disappear. He was probably keeping his online profile going the whole time you were together.

I highly recommend reading up on it, and go no contact. I'd block his number or change your number, because types like him will circle back when he is bored, or wants to have sex or wants to play with you some more.

Understanding the disorder, doesn't mean it lessens our pain, but it helps us see the need for no contact. These types lack empathy, and don't care who they hurt.

January 18, 2015

I met a lovely man online at the end of last summer, and we started dating mid september. He is 40, intelligent, fairly quiet, a bit shy, and very kind. From the start the chemistry was very strong, and we slept together very quickly. We carried on seeing each other once a week, though there wasnt much contact from him in between dates. But we went out for meals, to the theatre, and a night away in the city. He was always very romantic, attentive, and just lovely to me. We just seemed to click. He said things like he'd 'wished he had met me years earlier, we would have made lovely babies..' and how good he felt when he was with me. He said he never thought someone like me would be interested in him. All the lingering eye contact, smiles, tender hugs, gifts, offering to help me with things. He bought my daughter a christmas present, and was worrying over what he should get me. Etc etc. Of course i fell for him. Hard. After being single for three years i really felt hopeful about us being together. The only downside was that he wasnt a great conversationalist, and he did talk with bitterness about about his abusive ex wife a LOT. Which yeah, i realise it is a huge red flag, but he had divorced her 3 years ago! We hadnt talked about our 'relationship' as i felt it a bit soon and didnt want to scare him off!

But then.. a couple of weeks ago i saw that he was stlll on the dating site, and was online and had updated his profile and even had new pictures. The irony.. i only looked as i was missing him and wondered if his pictures were still up. I had taken mine down ages before, but mainly because i was getting too many messages. I only like to date one person at a time. I felt sick when i saw it.

Anyway, it was unlike me, but i was impulsive and sent a text asking him what was going on.. why was he wasting my time if he was just looking for someone else. He replied that it wasn't a big deal for him, he just likes talking to people. Yeah righht. I said giving the benefit of the doubt, well ok, but i didnt understand if he wants to be with me or not.. And that was it. He didn't reply, and hasn't ever since. That was three weeks ago. Nothing.
I am so hurt and upset, i keep replaying it all in my mind. I miss him a lot. Why did he seem so very keen and loved up then suddenly change his mind? It makes no sense to me. I dont know how to let this go. Should i get in touch with him or leave him be?

Honestly,

It sounds like you busted him and he just decided it was easier to ignore you than give you an explanation like "sorry, I'm a lying a bastard". I would probably have given him the benefit of the doubt if he had said "we aren't exclusive yet" but the "oh I just like talking to people" is phoney baloney. Additionally, whether you defined exclusivity or not - if a guy is really that into you he isn't going to WANT to be pursuing other partners. The fact he disappeared just shows you how not genuine of a person this guy is. You can try to pursue him but what will you get? A 40 year old dude with a penchant for serial dating who complains about his divorce and will leave you with endless doubts lingering in the back of your mind?

January 18, 2015

Thank you all so much for taking time to reply. I agree, it seems I have been played. I'm so angry with the way he's left it, and yet I still have trouble reconciling the way there seemed to be a genuine connection. I'm usually very perceptive and intuitive with these sorts of things, I can read people pretty well (or so I thought before this happened). But as has been said, there were so many red flags that I ignored or excused, because I liked him so much. I suppose because there were an equal number of very positive things.

@writergal yes you nailed it - and I do think it's disgusting the way he bailed and didn't apologise. And I suppose it does show his true colors.

And @hoping2heal - yeah, i busted him, you're right. And better now than later.

But honestly, even though this all makes perfect sense on paper, and when i re-read it all I can see the sense in it all, it just felt so right. You know when you're with someone, something about the way they look at you, and hold you. You just know. His character certainly doesnt fit with a 'player' - hmmm.. a wolf in sheeps clothing i guess. He told me how his ex used to hit him, and abuse him verbally in front of their children. He very much played the victim all the time, and its obvious he was damaged by it all.

It's so good to get this out anyway, (apologies if i'm just rambling) and hear other peoples thoughts. I have to try and move on, it's just so hard. My long term partner cheated and left me three years ago, it was the most difficult period of my life. This was the first man I had met since then that I had feelings for, which seemed to be genuinely strongly reciprocated. And so I was hopeful.

Honestly? I just feel broken by this and it all keeps spinning through my head. I know it shouldn't be so rough, it was a short thing. I'm way more upset than i should be. And I also feel like a fool for being fooled. Even now i'm hoping i'll get a text saying he's sorry and he got scared and wants me back. It's pretty pathetic!

January 18, 2015

Thank you all so much for taking time to reply. I agree, it seems I have been played. I'm so angry with the way he's left it, and yet I still have trouble reconciling the way there seemed to be a genuine connection. I'm usually very perceptive and intuitive with these sorts of things, I can read people pretty well (or so I thought before this happened). But as has been said, there were so many red flags that I ignored or excused, because I liked him so much. I suppose because there were an equal number of very positive things.

@writergal yes you nailed it - and I do think it's disgusting the way he bailed and didn't apologise. And I suppose it does show his true colors.
And @hoping2heal - yeah, i busted him, you're right. And better now than later.

But honestly, even though this all makes perfect sense on paper, and when i re-read it all I can see the sense in it all, it just felt so right. You know when you're with someone, something about the way they look at you, and hold you. You just know. His character certainly doesnt fit with a 'player' - hmmm.. a wolf in sheeps clothing i guess. He told me how his ex used to hit him, and abuse him verbally in front of their children. He very much played the victim all the time, and its obvious he was damaged by it all.

It's so good to get this out anyway, (apologies if i'm just rambling) and hear other peoples thoughts. I have to try and move on, it's just so hard. My long term partner cheated and left me three years ago, it was the most difficult period of my life. This was the first man I had met since then that I had feelings for, which seemed to be genuinely strongly reciprocated. And so I was hopeful.

Honestly? I just feel broken by this and it all keeps spinning through my head. I know it shouldn't be so rough, it was a short thing. I'm way more upset than i should be. And I also feel like a fool for being fooled. Even now i'm hoping i'll get a text saying he's sorry and he got scared and wants me back. It's pretty pathetic!

If I had to guess, his ex left him with issues with women (i.e. 'women treat men like crap so I'm going to treat women like crap'). So you didn't just get played by this guy, you might have a bone to pick with all the maneaters out there who devoured his innocence. It sounds like there's some eye for an eye acrimony here -- let this guy go, but don't get a complex. Break the cycle.

January 18, 2015

I don't feel too much empathy for this guy, alice73. His whole "woe is me" victim mentality about his ex-wife is what he uses to manipulate women's sympathies, so they will see him as vulnerable and safe, and someone who needs to be cared for when that couldn't be further from the truth of who he really is.

I mean, he kept his online dating profile active during the 3 months you two dated, talking to other women and probably dating them the entire time he dated you. Worse, he created a false expectation for you and your daughter that he was around for the long-term (giving her a Christmas present), despite the fact that you two hadn't discussed exclusivity yet.

So he did you a favor, as much as it hurts because he's shown you that he's not a stand up guy, or someone you could trust with your daughter based on the way he lied to you. You busted him in the act of cheating on you with keeping his online dating profile active, and his solution was to give you a lame excuse and then leave you hanging, wondering what the past 3 months were that you and your daughter experienced with him. He's not a good guy.

Maybe next time you meet a guy you really like, don't introduce him to your daughter until you have discussed being exclusive with each other.

January 18, 2015

I agree he was looking for sympathy yes. And he got it for sure. Whether it was as calculated as you suggest I dont know. I'll never know.

He didnt even meet my daughter. He just wanted to get her something she needed (shoes!) as i dont have much money and he wanted to help. He was like that - brought me lunch when i was ill, offering to give me lifts when my car was getting fixed. Wanted to book me an expensive spa day for my birthday ( i declined - i felt it was a bit much). All stuff that led me to believe he felt more.

But, anyway, you talk a lot of sense. As you can see i'm just still clutching at straws that it wasn't all completely meaningless!

Edited January 18, 2015 by alice73
sp

January 18, 2015

I agree he was looking for sympathy yes. And he got it for sure. Whether it was as calculated as you suggest I dont know. I'll never know.
He didnt even meet my daughter. He just wanted to get her something she needed (shoes!) as i dont have much money and he wanted to help. He was like that - brought me lunch when i was ill, offering to give me lifts when my car was getting fixed. Wanted to book me an expensive spa day for my birthday ( i declined - i felt it was a bit much). All stuff that led me to believe he felt more.
But, anyway, you talk a lot of sense. As you can see i'm just still clutching at straws that it wasn't all completely meaningless!

Well, I wish it weren't completely meaningless. But if you go by his actions (lying to you, then blowing it off, then going silent on you with no closure), he didn't really value you or what you had to offer to him. So in a sense, I think his actions negate any meaning. Sorry. Ok, I thought he had met your daughter. Good thing he hadn't yet. If he had, he'd be even more of a cad than he is already. I know how you feel though because the same thing has happened to me with a few guys I met through online dating. They come on strong, too fast, and their charm makes good judgment difficult to enforce. Believe me. I empathize with you 100%. It's also why I will never do online dating again. It's just not for me.

January 18, 2015

So true, his actions do negate everything. Thanks for your wise words. Really. It's what I need to hear right now. I'm going to try harder to just stop thinking about him. Rehashing it all in my mind isn't helping me get closure.

I'm with you about online dating. I'm not going to do it anymore either. Ive been online for a couple of years. The best that has come out of it was meeting a great guy that has since turned into a very good friend (there were no 'sparks' just got along famously). This latest guy was the only one i have dated for any length of time.

So it's real life for us then. I wish you well x

January 18, 2015

So true, his actions do negate everything. Thanks for your wise words. Really. It's what I need to hear right now. I'm going to try harder to just stop thinking about him. Rehashing it all in my mind isn't helping me get closure.
I'm with you about online dating. I'm not going to do it anymore either. Ive been online for a couple of years. The best that has come out of it was meeting a great guy that has since turned into a very good friend (there were no 'sparks' just got along famously). This latest guy was the only one i have dated for any length of time.
So it's real life for us then. I wish you well x

Trust me. Real life is far more reliable than online dating. I hope you can recover from this 3 month relationship and find a man in real life who will be everything to you that you and your daughter both need and deserve. I wish you well too. x

January 18, 2015

Thank you all so much for taking time to reply. I agree, it seems I have been played. I'm so angry with the way he's left it, and yet I still have trouble reconciling the way there seemed to be a genuine connection. I'm usually very perceptive and intuitive with these sorts of things, I can read people pretty well (or so I thought before this happened). But as has been said, there were so many red flags that I ignored or excused, because I liked him so much. I suppose because there were an equal number of very positive things.

@writergal yes you nailed it - and I do think it's disgusting the way he bailed and didn't apologise. And I suppose it does show his true colors.
And @hoping2heal - yeah, i busted him, you're right. And better now than later.

But honestly, even though this all makes perfect sense on paper, and when i re-read it all I can see the sense in it all, it just felt so right. You know when you're with someone, something about the way they look at you, and hold you. You just know. His character certainly doesnt fit with a 'player' - hmmm.. a wolf in sheeps clothing i guess. He told me how his ex used to hit him, and abuse him verbally in front of their children. He very much played the victim all the time, and its obvious he was damaged by it all.

It's so good to get this out anyway, (apologies if i'm just rambling) and hear other peoples thoughts. I have to try and move on, it's just so hard. My long term partner cheated and left me three years ago, it was the most difficult period of my life. This was the first man I had met since then that I had feelings for, which seemed to be genuinely strongly reciprocated. And so I was hopeful.

Honestly? I just feel broken by this and it all keeps spinning through my head. I know it shouldn't be so rough, it was a short thing. I'm way more upset than i should be. And I also feel like a fool for being fooled. Even now i'm hoping i'll get a text saying he's sorry and he got scared and wants me back. It's pretty pathetic!

I disagree, you don't know. No one ever really "knows". We choose to trust that people are being honest with us, that there isn't someone else they are doing all the "right" things with. Feelings are fickle, you need to watch consistent actions over time. Just feeling right is not enough and has proved to be a false indication of the truth for many people.

What you "know" in those moments is that the person you're with makes you feel elated and happy and those happy thoughts work an alchemy on us all, allowing everything else to just disappear. It feels like you are the only 2 people in the world and for someone who is being genuine (such as yourself) you cannot even comprehend the idea that you're taking part in a fakery. Yet, the fact that he was on the dating site attempting to spruce up his profile and reel in a new woman or group of women tells you that guess what? All that "knowing" was hoping and wishing, but a man who was as genuine as you thought he was wouldn't need to be seeking out other women if the attraction and connection was as "real" to him as you believed it was.

January 18, 2015

I've dated guys like this before.

I'm the nice and reasonable type.

From my experience - the ones who are used to being abused - they like/love my type - but miss the abuse/drama they are used to.

It's a matter of them searching for what is familiar to them.

Has nothing to do with us.

They tend to settle in with the abuser.

That could be why he was still looking.

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Having trouble understanding why he suddenly disappeared after dating for 3 months

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