Missing my ex gf after 3 months!

[Kinetica84]

Hi guys.

 

I am seeking some advice. I will try and keep this as short as possible but it's complicated.

 

Me and my now ex partner split up in October 2014 after a 3 year relationship. We had a good relationship, was solid, moved in together and was trying for a baby. We had a our arguments by nothing major.

 

We moved in together in May 2014. 3 months in, things started to go wrong, i put it down to teething problems from just living together. Anyway, the place we bought was quite far from my family and friends but she was quite close to her family and friends. I started to feel a little isolated and i told her that i feel she is being less affectionate. She said she didn't realise and that we would work on it.

 

Things got progressively worse from this point on. We wasn't seeing eye to eye on many things. Anyway one day, we had a huge row about something and she said to me "I don't know how i feel anymore" I knew then that was a fatal blow but me being who i am i fought on and tried to get things right, and to her credit, she did try in her own way.

 

A few weeks later, the arguments were getting brutal to the point we both ended up crying. I told her i was close to walking away because i couldn't take it anymore. That day she was going out with friends that night, the one good thing we had is that we never interfered with each others social lives. I was meant to be going to a party with friends, but i stayed home. I stayed home because emotionally i was on the floor and i thought i might not be able to say no to a girl given me attention at a party. That said i still had enough presence of mind to stay in and away from that because i am not a cheater but didn't want to risk it. My relationship meant more to me.

 

That night she comes in. She was having an operation on her foot that Monday, this required to shower twice a day with this special balm. She gets in the shower and i see her phone on the side. In 3 years i never once looked or thought of looking in her phone. This night i looked. I found a message from her best friend who she had just been out with. The message suggested she had feelings for another guy who she works with and her best friend telling her she needs to sit down and decide what she wants. I didn't find any evidence she had cheated but i was devastated and i hit the roof.

 

We had a huge argument to about 4am in the morning. I questioned her and she said to me it was a drunken text from her friend, who had misinterpreted her friendship with the guy at work, but she also saying that she doesn't know how she feels about these friendship feelings or about me. I was so angry, i kicked her out the day before her op, which i still i feel awful for and she went to her parents.

 

Anyway a few days after the foot op i wanted to sort things out and asked her to come home. I done my best to take care of her and look after her but i just couldnt get the text out of my head. Despite her promising she had never cheated and never i would i think the trust was gone.

 

4 weeks on, we were still arguing and it gets to a point we just can't sort things out. I even stayed at my brothers for a few weeks to give each space. October 17th i ended the relationship, she didn't put up much of fight but by then we were both emotionally gone and wiped out. She moved out 2 weeks later. I'm not totally innocent. The whole time she was in recovery with her foot i was mean because i was hurt, but i tried my best to look after her.

 

Just after she moved out, an ex girlfriend of mine who I had not spoke to in 3 years comes back to the UK from Hong Kong. We split because she had commitment issues. She had no idea about my situation, wasn't on facebook and we had not contacted each other and had no mutual friends. She asked to meet up so i did. This was totally innocent and i wasn't seeking anything. It looks like i was but i am not a guy who goes from girl to girl.

 

We met up, she made it clear she still had feelings for me, i guess in a way my feelings for her come back a little bit as there wasn't wrong with me and her. In any case, a few more meet ups we started seeing each other and i am still seeing her right now.

 

I typically DO NOT, see a another girl straight after a break up, i normally give it 6 months. Up until this week i was fine and just getting on with my life, but the last few days i have been missing my ex who lived with me so badly. Even though i ended it, i did message her about 4 weeks after she moved out and asked her "are we completely done?" She said she was too hurt and felt there was too much water under bridge. I said okay and have not spoke to her in over 2 months.

 

Right now, i miss her so much. I really like the girl i am seeing, and i like her a lot but i still have doubts about her because she still has some issues with commitment. I almost messaged her today (the one who lived with me) but i stopped myself. I kind of want to see if we can reconcile but kind of don't. Then i am thinking, she hasn't contacted me so obviously she doesn't want to reconcile.

 

With the girl I am seeing now. When i am with her it is great, we get on so well, she makes me laugh and i could see myself being with her. That said i still have conflicting feelings for me ex who moved out so i am thinking about ending things with the girl i am now seeing. I am just so confused. I am typically a guy who has clarity of thought and just gets on with it but this has seriously knocked the crap out of me and i do not know which way to go. I know most will say "dude be single" and i would tend to agree. That said i like the girl i am with but just not sure if i can give her 100% of me.

 

Sorry for the life story, but any thoughts are appreciated.

[Ieris]

How unfair for the girl you're seeing now. If you can't give 100% then don't waste her time. No doubt when you ex contacts you, you will go running back to her so do the right thing and let this one go. Be honest and explain that you shouldn't have jumped into a new relationship so soon.

 

Like you, I also take long breaks between relationships. I hate using people to fill a void, I'd rather heal all by myself and start any new relationships on a clean slate.

 

Take some time out and sort yourself out. Keep moving forward and focus on yourself. Who knows what will happen 6 months from now. Maybe your ex will come back, maybe you'll meet someone new... deal with those things when it comes.

[Kinetica84]

Thanks for the advice, and i do agree with you.

 

It was never my intention to jump into a relationship. I wasn't actively seeking anything but things happened the way they happened. I think the history i have with this girl made it easy to get physical again.

 

As for "most recent ex". I think after 3 months of being apart it has just caught up with me. Everything has settled down, i'm keeping busy but i have got some stability back and it's allowed me time to think.

 

I honestly believed that i felt okay, i felt centered after she moved out because we had argued for so long and i was so drained, i felt relieved the war had ended.

 

As for her contacting me. I can't see that happening. We didn't contact each other over xmas and new years, not even a merry christmas. My logic is, she would have contacted me by now if she wanted to sort things out.

 

May be i am just romanticizing about the good times and forgetting why we actually broke up?

 

So confusing, i never have gone through this kind of confusion with a break up.

[Standard-Fare]

I think you just need to be perfectly clear with the one you're seeing now that you still have loose threads dangling from your last relationship, and you're not completely over it. Tell her you need to take things slowly.

 

This is especially important because this girl is also an ex, so the dynamic is already complicated enough.

 

With your more recent ex, it doesn't sound like there's much hope of turning things around. You two had serious problems for a while, you broke up with her, and then she agreed with you and confirmed it. It's not like you've made progress or attempts at reconciliation. I don't see many encouraging signs from what you've written here. But what you're going through in your mourning process is totally normal.

[Kinetica84]

Nice reply, thank you.

 

I am giving considerable thought to ending things with the girl i am with right now.

 

I feel..... well, drained, very emotionally drained. I am not sure i can give myself to anyone right now. I really enjoy the time we spend together, it is quite effortless. That said, i have thought about my most recent ex all last week and this week. I have had to stop myself contacting her on more than one occasion, i still feel hurt by what happened, i still hold hope that she will contact me.

 

All that said, i have no right to be dating anyone right now.

[Standard-Fare]

Nice reply, thank you.

 

I am giving considerable thought to ending things with the girl i am with right now.

 

I feel..... well, drained, very emotionally drained. I am not sure i can give myself to anyone right now. I really enjoy the time we spend together, it is quite effortless. That said, i have thought about my most recent ex all last week and this week. I have had to stop myself contacting her on more than one occasion, i still feel hurt by what happened, i still hold hope that she will contact me.

 

All that said, i have no right to be dating anyone right now.

 

If that's the case, you should follow your instincts and be completely honest with the one you're seeing now.

 

If you have any interest at all in being with her in the future, I think you should explain that you just need time right now, and emphasize that you hope to revisit things with her later. (Not that there can be any guarantees.)

 

I have no idea how strong your relationship is with this ex that you've been seeing more recently, or whether you two have solid long-term potential. Or how excited you are to have her back in your life. I'd just worry that you could later look back with regret on this period as a time where you lost not only one but two great women in quick succession.

 

You're obviously still actively grappling with the pain of this recent breakup. But keep in mind that this window that's opened recently with your older ex is a rare opportunity that you may never see it again. You may be taking it for granted during this overwhelming storm of emotions.

Edited January 20, 2015 by Standard-Fare

[Kinetica84]

Thanks for the good advice standard-fare

 

My instincts....... Are giving me conflicting messages right now.

 

I am normally someone who is logical and clear headed regardless of the situations. All my family and friends comes to me for help and advice, but when i go to them, i find their advice some what lacking.

 

I think I am going through that "looking through rose tinted glasses phase" where i am only remember the good times, and not the verbal warfare we went through.

 

I have decided to give myself a few more days with these feelings. I don't want to make a flash decision, i want to make a logical decision which means i need a few days to let this sinking feeling "sink" in no pun intended.

 

As you say, i have a second chance with a girl who i was very much into 4 years ago.

 

Decisions, decisions.

[Kinetica84]

Update.

 

Found out yesterday my ex was in fact cheating on me.

 

I feel gutted. Now i have to contend with the betrayal of she was seeing the guy in the texts mentioned above.

 

I should have follow my gut but she convinced me i was paranoid.

 

I am so angry with myself, i am quite hurt and to think i felt guilty about dating someone so early after the break up.

 

I didn't sleep last night, kept replaying the whole last 5 months of the relationship in my head over and over. All my family and friends are telling me the same thing and that is to let it go. But right now i cannot describe the hurt and anger inside.

 

She has completely destroyed my trust and i don't know how long it will take me to get it back.

[towardthefuture]

Update.

 

Found out yesterday my ex was in fact cheating on me.

 

I feel gutted. Now i have to contend with the betrayal of she was seeing the guy in the texts mentioned above.

 

I should have follow my gut but she convinced me i was paranoid.

 

I am so angry with myself, i am quite hurt and to think i felt guilty about dating someone so early after the break up.

 

I didn't sleep last night, kept replaying the whole last 5 months of the relationship in my head over and over. All my family and friends are telling me the same thing and that is to let it go. But right now i cannot describe the hurt and anger inside.

 

She has completely destroyed my trust and i don't know how long it will take me to get it back.

 

How'd you find out?

[LovelyDaze]

I am very sorry you found out your ex was cheating on you during your past relationship. It is still probably the right thing to do to tell your current GF how you feel and separate.

 

You need to time to yourself to sort out all of these emotions to give ANY relationship its best shot at growing and lasting. That is what you want, right?

 

Things will be fine but take this time out to deal with what you have learned from both relationships. Glad you also realize that getting into a new relationship is not always the best way. It is not fair to either partner.

[wicksee]

Update.

 

Found out yesterday my ex was in fact cheating on me.

 

I feel gutted. Now i have to contend with the betrayal of she was seeing the guy in the texts mentioned above.

This will set you back quite a bit. You will have to go through the grieving process again (I'm going through something along similar lines).

 

I know it's tempting, and you may be angry, but do NOT contact your ex. Write everything down on paper. Go to sleep. Read it back to yourself the next day. You'll find it's a jumbled, incoherent mess, but you'll feel a bit better.

 

In my opinion, you should also explain what's happened to your "current ex", and let her know you can't be with her romantically for a while. Perhaps as a friend only. It's only fair to her.

[Downtown]

Wow. BPD accurately describes my ex gf for the most part. It all makes sense. [From your post today in Kaikai's thread.]

Perhaps so, Kinetica. Yet, if she has strong traits of BPD, you should have been seeing some strong warning signs prior to the last 5 months of a 3-year relationship. BPDers (those with strong traits) typically behave wonderfully throughout the courtship period because their infatuation holds their two great fears (abandonment and engulfment) at bay. As soon as the infatuation starts evaporating, however, those fears return and you will start triggering the BPDer's anger and fears. If you would like to discuss this further, it would be helpful to know which of the 18 BPD Warning Signs you found to apply very strongly to her behavior and which did not. Take care, Kinetica.

[Kinetica84]

Perhaps so, Kinetica. Yet, if she has strong traits of BPD, you should have been seeing some strong warning signs prior to the last 5 months of a 3-year relationship. BPDers (those with strong traits) typically behave wonderfully throughout the courtship period because their infatuation holds their two great fears (abandonment and engulfment) at bay. As soon as the infatuation starts evaporating, however, those fears return and you will start triggering the BPDer's anger and fears. If you would like to discuss this further, it would be helpful to know which of the 18 BPD Warning Signs you found to apply very strongly to her behavior and which did not. Take care, Kinetica.

 

Thanks for the advice. It just makes so much sense. I will got through them below.

 

 

• 1. Black-white thinking, wherein she categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad" and will recategorize someone -- in just a few seconds -- from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor comment or infraction;
  

Every time i would mention a good female friend from my school days in general conversation, like telling a story. It would result in a huge argument " why do you still talk to these girls from school?" and boom, an argument begins. Very extreme reaction. Also if i would choose to spend time with friends instead of her one weekend (after spend the last 5 with her) she would go crazy.

 

 

 

 

• 2. Frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like "you always" and "you never;"
  

Yes. This happened all the time. As explained above, if i were to spend time with friends, or just play xbox for 1 hours, "you're always with your friends or that xbox" 90% of my spare time was with her.

 

 

• 3. Irrational jealousy and controlling behavior that tries to isolate you away from close friends or family members;
  

We worked in the same office when we first met. She would hate female work mates interacting with me. Most times it cause an argument. It got to a point i wouldn't talk about work anymore because i had to interact with a lot of female work mates. Fear of an argument was on my mind.

 

 

• 4. A strong sense of entitlement that prevents her from appreciating your sacrifices, resulting in a "what have you done for me lately?" attitude (e.g., not appreciating all the 3-hour trips you made to see her for two years) and a double standard ;
  

She would always say i didnt do enough for her. I spent most weekends with her, friday to sunday and it wasn't enough. I would give her loads of physical and emotional affection and it was never enough, she always said you don't give me enough attention. I sacrificed a good deal of my social time to be with her.

 

 

• 5. Flipping, on a dime, between adoring you and devaluing you -- making you feel like you're always walking on eggshells;
  

I wouldn't say she devalued me she always questioned my loyalty. I have a lot of female friends from school, college and university. Friends i have had for over 10 years. Every time on of them would message me just saying "whats new with you?" or if someone commented on my FB she would go crazy. If i ever spoke to a girl "i was flirting" which i never did.

 

 

• 6. Frequently creating drama over issues so minor that neither of you can recall what the fight was about two days later;
  

As per the above. Also, she would start arguments over a comment would make to me just joking around.

 

 

• 7. Low self esteem;
  

BIG TIME! and she always played the victim.

 

 

• 8. Verbal abuse and anger that is easily triggered, in seconds, by a minor thing you say or do (real or imagined), resulting in temper tantrums or cold sulking that typically start in seconds and last several hours;
  

Partially accurate. I didn't verbal abuse but she would also flip if i mentioned a female at work or she me speaking to a girl from across the office. Or if she saw a completely innocent conversion i would have with female friends. I even gave her full access to all my accounts, my phone to put her at ease, still wasn't enough.

 

 

• 9. Fear of abandonment or being alone -- evident in her expecting you to “be there” for her on demand, making unrealistic demands for the amount of time spent together, or responding with intense anger to even brief separations or slight changes in plans;
  

Defiantly got abandonment issues. She made a pass at me while still with her ex boyfriend at the time. That relation was going wrong she was looking for a way and she latched onto me, i told her to end her current relationship before getting with. She said she had but later admitted she was still with him for the first 3 weeks she was seeing me. She has now done the same to me, relationship went south and she started with the guy she cheated on me with.

 

 

• 10. Always being "The Victim," a false self image she validates by blaming you for every misfortune;
  

YES YES YES! She has these issues with pretty much everyone in her life. Her parents never met her expectations, nor did her friends, her work mates and then me. She cuts people out of her life quite regularly. With me however, she tried to remain friends with me after i asked her to leave my home. This is something she has not done with any of her ex's but she did with me. Not sure why. She blames everyone but herself for her failures. She even tried to blame me for the relationship going. I did have my part to play but she did cheat.

 

 

• 11. Lack of impulse control, wherein she does reckless things without considering the consequences (e.g., binge eating or spending);
  

Not so much why she was with me, but when she was younger she got into about £45k worth of debt. She got blacklisted and i had to get our first home together in my name. This ultimately proved to be good for me because i own the property and she don't.

 

 

• 12. Complaining that all her previous BFs were abusive and claiming (during your courtship) that you are the only one who has treated her well;
  

HELL YES! I was told i was the only who ever treated her right, all her boyfriends had cheated or abused her or never took her out blah blah blah. She would say to me "you're my perfect" her tune soon changed lol

 

 

• 13. Mirroring your personality and preferences so perfectly during the courtship period (e.g., enjoying everything and everyone you like) that you were convinced you had met your "soul mate;"
  

Again YES YES YES. I am studying to be a nutritionist. She take up better eating habits, she stopped smoking because she knew i didnt like it and she stopped drinking. I never once asked her to do that for me. She also took up training with me and i got her into the shape of her life. She had NO hobbies of her own, but she latched onto many of mine.

 

 

• 14. Relying on you to center and ground her, giving her a sense of direction because her goals otherwise keep changing every few months;
  

Yes, but she has not goals. She just wanted babies. No ambition, no hobbies...... Damn what did i see in her? lol

 

 

• 15. Relying on you to sooth her and calm her down, when she is stressed, because she has so little ability to do self soothing;
  

Every damn day! Always playing the victim,

 

 

• 16. Having many casual friends but not any close long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away);
  

She has two really good friends but everyone outside of that she has cut out because they don't meet her expectations. Not sure this one applies.

 

 

• 17. Taking on the personality of whatever person she is talking to, thereby acting quite differently around different types of people; and
  

50/50 on this one. Sometimes yes sometimes no.

 

 

• 18. Always convinced that her intense feelings accurately reflect reality -- to the point that she regards her own feelings as self-evident facts, despite her inability to support them with any hard evidence.
  

Yes. This happened frequently. She would accuse me of cheating just because i spoke to a girl, even if she was there and the convo was always completely innocent, she would say, you were flirting with that girl. I just wasn't. Then her family would say something to her in an innocent way and she would blow it out of proportion.

Edited January 25, 2015 by Kinetica84

[Downtown]

I see what you mean, Kinetica. You've identified nearly all of the warning signs as being strong and persistent. The repeated cycle of push-you-away (by starting arguments over nothing) and pull-you-back is one of the hallmarks of a BPDer relationship.

[Kinetica84]

I see what you mean, Kinetica. You've identified nearly all of the warning signs as being strong and persistent. The repeated cycle of push-you-away (by starting arguments over nothing) and pull-you-back is one of the hallmarks of a BPDer relationship.

 

Indeed.

 

This has given me such clarity of thought after being stuck in a rage for two days. Right now i am taking this clarity of thought and using it as rest from the horrible sick feeling i have had for two days.

 

I am sure i will still get bad days going forward but i feel i have taken a good step forward today.

 

I am actually taking comfort in the fact that i no longer have to endure her BPD and that it is likely to get worse with the new guy she is with.

 

I did send her a message this morning telling her exactly how i feel about everything. I didn't change one thing about the situation, but it felt so good to get that monkey of my back.

 

You know what, i will post for all to see. It actually feels good to discuss this openly. I know this is may be not the best practice, but i had to get this out.

 

My email to her. I have edited out names for legal reasons lol

 

This will be last time you hear from me.

 

 

This will be quite a long email and I want to read it carefully. Read it twice if you have to, to really understand.

 

 

 

I have struggled to understand in my head what went wrong with us. I have sat alone for many hours on my own trying to sort it out.

 

 

I cared about you a great deal. You were my best friend and my lover. That said I think I knew within the first 6 months we wasn't right for each other but I carried on. I fought hard and always ignored the feeling something wasn't right. Your neediness, insecurities and expectations were always too high and I doubt anyone can for fill that for you. Your insecurities and jealously drove me crazy, to the point I wasn't happy with you for a good while in the first 18 months. However, I pushed on and kept trying. These are just a few reasons I kept you at arms length. If I am totally honest, I wasnt ready to move in with you because at the time I was thinking about leaving you. Wow I wish I had now, now I know what you're capable of.

 

 

The week after you moved out I met up with my ex girlfriend before you and we are now together again. You remember her right? She is the one I got with over you at the time. You didn't speak to me for 6 months and got back with with your ex boyfriend at the time J to make yourself feel better about me choosing someone over you. If you don't believe me that I am with her you can ask A, he sees you in a lot where you live now and appear to be living with F you new boyfriend already. I thought I was rebounding, hense why I sent you text at the time to see if we were 100% over and I still had loyalty for you. I actually felt guilty for dating so soon, but I at least waited until we split which is more than I can say for you.

 

 

Loyalty, brings me to my next point. I knew from early August something wasn't right. You had become distant before I even mentioned anything to you. I think this was the point you started to have feelings for F and I now know why I freaked about you staying out in London. I knew something wasn't right as soon as you told me about it. My gut has never failed me and ignored it. You convince me i was paranoid.

 

 

Fast forward to when it got bad. You swore to me you had no feelings for F which I now to be a complete lie. I caught you out in several lies during this time and yet I ignored my gut instincts. You spun a very convincing story about how I read that text on your phone from H incorrectly, you are a gifted liar I'll give you that.

 

 

Your behavior was changing before this. You were going out more and more, dressing differently, staying out later. Those times you stayed out on short notice, those times you stayed late at work. It all makes sense. You done the exact same with J you ex bf before me when you were after me. You would secretly see me and tell J you were out with your friend H. All those times you were dropped off outside the front of the flat so i couldn't see who you were with. It all makes sense. You were hiding something.

 

 

Those times I went down your phone. At the time I felt so guilty but I was 100% right. I even found a picture of you, sitting on the floor with your tattooed leg exposed in front of the wardrobe mirror. Did you by any chance send that to F? I remember getting similar pictures from you why you were still with J and you were perusing me.

 

 

The time you told me you could talk to F about anything. Another red flag. I used to be that guy in work you come to. The guy you once said to "if there is someone better than J to take me away I would leave him" I am certain this has now happened with me as in F was already there waiting before we split. It's quite sad that you need to do this to be happy.

 

 

In a way I should blame myself. You did it once you were always going to do it again. You are a cheater. You can scream blue murder about it all you want but you cheated on J and you cheated on me when it no longer suited you. All these years you slagged of your friends for cheating and their partners and their partners cheated on them. There is a word for that, hypocrite. All these years you would freak out about me talking to female friends, when all along it was because you knew you were capable of cheating. Evil is studied by Evil and this is so true for you. Before you say you never, I spoke to someone we both know and they confirmed it that you were playing away. If I were you I would seriously question the friendships you keep because they came to me with the information, I never asked them. Sad they hold you in so low regard. Sad this person is quite close to you.

 

 

Despite what happened with our relationship. I did not deserve this. I'm a good man and I treated you better then any other guy. I'm not perfect and I had my part to play in the split but I deserve better. I may not have attended certain family gatherings or hang out with your friends. This is because, from the day I've known you, you done nothing but slag them off and paint a bad picture of them, therefore I didn't want to be around them.

You have this obsessive need to make everyone feel sorry for you.

 

 

 

" my parents always be little me, they favor my sister, my sisters are spoilt"

 

 

 

and so on. You have played the victim for so long you don't know how to be any other way. Wow what did I ever see in you?

 

 

I should thank you. You have now put me onto a better a path. I own my own property, thanks for putting the many thousands of £££ towards that by the way, couldn't of done it without out you : ). I almost feel sorry that you are blacklisted and can't get a property in your name. I am now back with the girl I should have never let go of 4 years ago. I am happy that I found out what a truly disloyal, manipulative, needy, OCD, person you are with abandonment issues, that not even Sigmund Freud could analyse. I'm glad I found this out now rather than 10 years down the line.

 

 

I truly wish you can sort your many many issues out.

 

 

I told you I would find out. I gave you every opportunity to look me in the eye and tell me the truth and you didn't have the courage or respect to do that for me. Did I really mean so little to you?

 

 

Enjoy life with your new 50 year old grandad boyfriend. I hope he is better man than me who can put with all your crap. Man he has got his work cut out, almost feel sorry for him. I should probably contact him and let him know what he is on for.

 

 

I thought long and hard how I would get even with you but I will just settle for this email as you do not deserve any more time wasted on you.

 

 

We all make our own hell and I hope your enjoy yours.

[Downtown]

Right now i am taking this clarity of thought and using it as rest from the horrible sick feeling i have had for two days..

Kinetica, if your Ex has strong BPD traits as you suspect, consider yourself lucky that you've only had a "horrible sick feeling" for a few days. Many of the abused partners of BPDers are so utterly confused by the rapid flips between Jekyll (being adored) and Hyde (being devalued) that they seriously question whether they are losing their minds. This occurs primarily because the "Non" (non-BPDer) is mistakenly convinced that, if he can only figure out what HE is doing wrong, he can restore his partner to that wonderful woman he sees occasionally (and saw all the time during the honeymoon period).

 

Indeed, this confusion among Nons is so common in BPDer relationships that, of the 157 disorders listed in the American diagnostic manual (DSM-5), BPD is the one most notorious for making the abused partners feel like they may be losing their minds. This is primarily why therapists see far more of those abused partners -- coming in to find out if they may be going crazy -- than they ever see of the BPDers themselves.

[towardthefuture]

I still want to know how you found out she cheated? Because I am in cheater's limbo. I don't know if my ex cheated on the way out. But I think she did.

[Kinetica84]

I still want to know how you found out she cheated? Because I am in cheater's limbo. I don't know if my ex cheated on the way out. But I think she did.

 

 

It is in the email i posted in my previous post ;)

[Kinetica84]

Kinetica, if your Ex has strong BPD traits as you suspect, consider yourself lucky that you've only had a "horrible sick feeling" for a few days. Many of the abused partners of BPDers are so utterly confused by the rapid flips between Jekyll (being adored) and Hyde (being devalued) that they seriously question whether they are losing their minds. This occurs primarily because the "Non" (non-BPDer) is mistakenly convinced that, if he can only figure out what HE is doing wrong, he can restore his partner to that wonderful woman he sees occasionally (and saw all the time during the honeymoon period).

 

Indeed, this confusion among Nons is so common in BPDer relationships that, of the 157 disorders listed in the American diagnostic manual (DSM-5), BPD is the one most notorious for making the abused partners feel like they may be losing their minds. This is primarily why therapists see far more of those abused partners -- coming in to find out if they may be going crazy -- than they ever see of the BPDers themselves.

 

Downtown, your posts are brilliant.

 

You speak from a scientific point of full. I am studying nutrition so i love science. This makes a lot of sense to me.

 

Thank you for the great advice. You have made a difference in my life be realigning my perspective.

[towardthefuture]

It is in the email i posted in my previous post ;)

 

Ah so you mostly pieced it together? I wouldn't send that email by the way. It will just stir up trouble.

 

My red flags don't seem as conclusive as yours. First, I had a gut feeling. I actually (stupidly) asked her if she was cheating, twice, and both times she said "Don't you trust me?" which I read is a red flag.

 

She started texting her 'sister' a lot. After the breakup I read that cheaters often put the OM's name as a female friend or relative.

 

On the day of the breakup there was a guy pacing around outside my apartment window, who I assume was her affair partner who she left me for.

 

She started staying after work on Tuesdays and said that's when she'd spend time with her 'friends'. Always vague about who. And she'd come back looking really nice. Like, date nice.

 

Now all these things could be rationally explained. Could really have been her sister, my gut feeling could have been misinterpreting her checking out in general as infidelity, that guy could have had some other kind of relation to her, and she really could have been having girls nights on Tuesdays. But honestly -- nahhh she was cheating and left me for someone else.

 

It really sucks to end 8 years in such a trashy way. If she was unhappy, she should have told me, tried to work it out, broke up with me, and then started off with some other guy. What she did...... blech.

 

I just wish. I knew. For sure. Maybe in 9 months I'll see some photo on her facebook and it'll be the dude from outside my apartment and I'll know.

[Kinetica84]

I still want to know how you found out she cheated? Because I am in cheater's limbo. I don't know if my ex cheated on the way out. But I think she did.

 

 

I'd say go with your gut feeling. I switched my gut feeling off for 5 months and all along i knew.

[Kinetica84]

Ah so you mostly pieced it together? I wouldn't send that email by the way. It will just stir up trouble.

 

My red flags don't seem as conclusive as yours. First, I had a gut feeling. I actually (stupidly) asked her if she was cheating, twice, and both times she said "Don't you trust me?" which I read is a red flag.

 

She started texting her 'sister' a lot. After the breakup I read that cheaters often put the OM's name as a female friend or relative.

 

On the day of the breakup there was a guy pacing around outside my apartment window, who I assume was her affair partner who she left me for.

 

She started staying after work on Tuesdays and said that's when she'd spend time with her 'friends'. Always vague about who. And she'd come back looking really nice. Like, date nice.

 

Now all these things could be rationally explained. Could really have been her sister, my gut feeling could have been misinterpreting her checking out in general as infidelity, that guy could have had some other kind of relation to her, and she really could have been having girls nights on Tuesdays. But honestly -- nahhh she was cheating and left me for someone else.

 

It really sucks to end 8 years in such a trashy way. If she was unhappy, she should have told me, tried to work it out, broke up with me, and then started off with some other guy. What she did...... blech.

 

I just wish. I knew. For sure. Maybe in 9 months I'll see some photo on her facebook and it'll be the dude from outside my apartment and I'll know.

 

I think subconsciously you have picked other signs that your conscious mind has not accepted yet. Once that catches up i think you will piece it together.

 

Also, a friend close to her confirmed it all for me.

 

I am just angry i switched off my gut.

 

I would so go with your guy buddy. Consciously or otherwise you have picked up the signs but you're not accepting it.

 

I really hope you get over it quickly and feel better. Bros before hoes huh? lololol

[Downtown]

Downtown, you speak from a scientific point of view. I am studying nutrition so i love science. This makes a lot of sense to me.

Kinetica, I'm glad to hear you found the information useful. Please keep in mind, however, that the field of psychology still trails at least 100 years behind nutrition science and the other hard sciences, where hypotheses can be tested and verified. And it also traits behind several social sciences like economics by perhaps 80 years.

 

That said, we are not talking rocket science here. Rather, we are only discussing basic human behavioral traits which we all have to some degree. This is why it is so easy for you to identify the symptoms (i.e., warning signs) when you see strong occurrences in someone you've known closely for over a year. Indeed, before you graduated high school, you already could identify the selfish and very grandiose classmates -- without knowing how to diagnose Narcissistic PD.

 

Likewise, you could identify the class drama queen -- without being able to diagnose Histrionic PD. You also could spot the kids having no respect for laws or other peoples' property or feelings -- without diagnosing Antisocial PD. And you could recognize the very shy and over-sensitive classmates -- without diagnosing Avoidant PD. Similarly, you will be able to spot strong BPD traits when they occur. Hence, there is a world of difference between spotting strong warning signs (which is what you need to protect yourself) and making a diagnosis (which is what professionals need in order to provide appropriate treatment).

[Kinetica84]

Kinetica, I'm glad to hear you found the information useful. Please keep in mind, however, that the field of psychology still trails at least 100 years behind nutrition science and the other hard sciences, where hypotheses can be tested and verified. And it also traits behind several social sciences like economics by perhaps 80 years.

 

That said, we are not talking rocket science here. Rather, we are only discussing basic human behavioral traits which we all have to some degree. This is why it is so easy for you to identify the symptoms (i.e., warning signs) when you see strong occurrences in someone you've known closely for over a year. Indeed, before you graduated high school, you already could identify the selfish and very grandiose classmates -- without knowing how to diagnose Narcissistic PD.

 

Likewise, you could identify the class drama queen -- without being able to diagnose Histrionic PD. You also could spot the kids having no respect for laws or other peoples' property or feelings -- without diagnosing Antisocial PD. And you could recognize the very shy and over-sensitive classmates -- without diagnosing Avoidant PD. Similarly, you will be able to spot strong BPD traits when they occur. Hence, there is a world of difference between spotting strong warning signs (which is what you need to protect yourself) and making a diagnosis (which is what professionals need in order to provide appropriate treatment).

 

Thanks Downtown. Totally agree with you say.

 

Have to say, since i sent the email to her and read about BPD i feel a lot better.

[Kinetica84]

Update.

 

I ended things with the other girl I was seeing.

 

Surprisingly I rather good right now.