CJinFLA Posted January 18, 2015 Posted January 18, 2015 Hello all -- Long story short, I broke up with my ex of 8 years in August of last year. We didn't communicate well. We internalized all of our frustrations until we hit a melting point... we usually held our feelings close out of hurting the other person. We briefly tried to reconcile in November, but I tried to move too fast, too soon. I re-entered his life and started demanding things. I got clingy and needy and he bailed quickly. My bad behavior continued with trying to beg and plead to reconsider. This happened through the beginning of the year. We stay in contact. I always initiate. He generally responds within minutes. Sometimes he acts cold. Sometimes he talks about his new job. We've met up a few times and he always seems receptive, but distant. He has said he doesn't need a relationship right now, but he's not dismissing anything in the future. I started to realize how I've been going about this. Last Sunday, I basically just told him that I don't have any expectations for a quick reconciliation, but I do expect some mutual respect in the situation. If he really wants me in his life, he has to come to terms with what that means to him and act accordingly. If he wants to be single and do his thing and keeping me around limits that, I told him that I have no problem walking away and leaving him alone. He doesn't want to lose me out of his life. We agreed to cool off this week and he would text me next week when he gets back from his weekend trip. I gave him his space he asked for and didn't text or call him. On Wednesday, he texted me saying, "I hope you're having a good week." I wasn't expecting it, but it was a nice gesture on his part. I responded in a calm, non-assuming way. The next night, he said he was out to eat with some work colleagues and something at the restaurant basically reminded him of me. He texted me to tell me this. Again, I was not expecting it. We texted back and forth briefly in a casual way, but didn't give him the impression that I was overly excited to hear from him. Given that I backed off and gave him the space that he asked for... I didn't expect to hear from him. Let alone have him reach out to me twice. He's not a game-player. I am just unsure how to go forward from here. My emotions are in check. I have come to terms with the idea that this may never work out. I do expect him to text me at some point this week like he said he would, but if he doesn't, he doesn't. What is a good balance of keeping myself unavailable, but letting him know that the door is still open. I think acting totally aloof and unbothered at this point is not the best way to handle the sitaution. Thoughts?
towardthefuture Posted January 18, 2015 Posted January 18, 2015 Hello all -- Long story short, I broke up with my ex of 8 years in August of last year. We didn't communicate well. We internalized all of our frustrations until we hit a melting point... we usually held our feelings close out of hurting the other person. We briefly tried to reconcile in November, but I tried to move too fast, too soon. I re-entered his life and started demanding things. I got clingy and needy and he bailed quickly. My bad behavior continued with trying to beg and plead to reconsider. This happened through the beginning of the year. We stay in contact. I always initiate. He generally responds within minutes. Sometimes he acts cold. Sometimes he talks about his new job. We've met up a few times and he always seems receptive, but distant. He has said he doesn't need a relationship right now, but he's not dismissing anything in the future. I started to realize how I've been going about this. Last Sunday, I basically just told him that I don't have any expectations for a quick reconciliation, but I do expect some mutual respect in the situation. If he really wants me in his life, he has to come to terms with what that means to him and act accordingly. If he wants to be single and do his thing and keeping me around limits that, I told him that I have no problem walking away and leaving him alone. He doesn't want to lose me out of his life. We agreed to cool off this week and he would text me next week when he gets back from his weekend trip. I gave him his space he asked for and didn't text or call him. On Wednesday, he texted me saying, "I hope you're having a good week." I wasn't expecting it, but it was a nice gesture on his part. I responded in a calm, non-assuming way. The next night, he said he was out to eat with some work colleagues and something at the restaurant basically reminded him of me. He texted me to tell me this. Again, I was not expecting it. We texted back and forth briefly in a casual way, but didn't give him the impression that I was overly excited to hear from him. Given that I backed off and gave him the space that he asked for... I didn't expect to hear from him. Let alone have him reach out to me twice. He's not a game-player. I am just unsure how to go forward from here. My emotions are in check. I have come to terms with the idea that this may never work out. I do expect him to text me at some point this week like he said he would, but if he doesn't, he doesn't. What is a good balance of keeping myself unavailable, but letting him know that the door is still open. I think acting totally aloof and unbothered at this point is not the best way to handle the sitaution. Thoughts? What I'm reading is that you dumped him and now "you want" "you want" "you want". My honest thoughts are that he does not trust or respect you any more and has his guard up, and you asking for more more more attention, respect, love, commitment is circling the drain. It sounds like he wants to reconcile, but he has significant barriers.
Author CJinFLA Posted January 18, 2015 Author Posted January 18, 2015 I agree. He has told me what his barrier is. He wanted to see a lot of changes happen when we were together, I felt like I was losing control and resisted. He pushed, I called him controlling. Told him I felt like I was being treated like a child. Truthfully, I was acting like a child. Now, I am in therapy. I gave up alcohol (2 months, now). I've being working out and eating healthy and have lost about 20 pounds and I feel like I am taking control of my life. He -- at this moment -- wants to make sure that these changes aren't temporary. I have realized that I need to to alter my personal behavior significantly from here on out to make things better. I can't push him. I can't demand things. I have to keep my emotions in check and let him know that I am a reliable, consistent individual. I do find it interesting that as soon as my attitude changed and backed off, he has moved closer. I definitely don't want to spook him again and rush things. Like I said, I don't expect a quick reconciliation. I know it's going to take time and patience. How do I go about being a stable person in his life without being smothering and too available to him?
idoltree Posted January 18, 2015 Posted January 18, 2015 How do I go about being a stable person in his life without being smothering and too available to him? By having your own life and independence, and noting when you are feeling anxious and alone and soothing yourself, rather than turning to him to do it for you.
Author CJinFLA Posted January 18, 2015 Author Posted January 18, 2015 I definitely understand that I need to not turn to him when I am anxious and upset. Showing him these things are counterproductive to what I'm trying to accomplish. How do I handle communication from here on out? He is warming up to me, so i want keep the momentum going. I definitely don't think I should fall off his radar at this point to prove I'm not chasing him anymore.
towardthefuture Posted January 18, 2015 Posted January 18, 2015 I definitely understand that I need to not turn to him when I am anxious and upset. Showing him these things are counterproductive to what I'm trying to accomplish. How do I handle communication from here on out? He is warming up to me, so i want keep the momentum going. I definitely don't think I should fall off his radar at this point to prove I'm not chasing him anymore. Alturtle's advice might be the advice for you here What to do when He/She Leaves? | Al Turtle's Relationship Wisdom
Marco Valerio Posted January 18, 2015 Posted January 18, 2015 I think relationships should be clearer, not feeling like you are doing a puzzle, not knowing where the pieces go. If you are not comfortable with the situation or feels like a dead end road, then leave it behind and start fresh.
Author CJinFLA Posted January 19, 2015 Author Posted January 19, 2015 That's easier said than done, really. It's really disheartening when I hear people tell others to walk away from a situation because it's "uncomfortable" ... break ups are never comfortable. If he & I were both comfortable in where we are right now, the break up would make sense and we would both be okay with it. But the fact is that I don't want to lose him. And he is giving me an impression that although there are many reservations on his side of things, he has not completely ruled out the possibility of reconciling. Yes, sometimes it feels like we are heading down a dead-end road, but then there are instances like this week where I consciously changed my approach with him and backed off, and he seemed to be receptive.
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