Question: Infidelity the spouses fault?

[Timshel]

My friends and I had a lively debate on whether cheating could be construed as the spouses fault; or rather that the spouse has contributed to the WS actions.

 

There were some intriguing points of view which I want to continue to explore.

Where better than LS?

 

To simplify the end result of our conversation, the group of 12 ended up falling into (roughly) two camps.

 

1. Yes, either the spouse had knowingly married a cheater but chose to turn a blind eye or was taking the relationship for granted and neglecting marital harmony. Such as lack of attention, respect or sexual responsiveness.

 

2. No, no matter how negligent the spouse was or even if the spouse was aware of cheating and chose to turn a blind eye, once the ring was on the finger all bets were off.

 

There were many nuances discussed and some allowance made, however the majority fell into group 1. (8 vs 4)

 

Any thoughts?

 

 

Note: Interestingly, the 4 in group 2. were all men.

Edited January 18, 2015 by Timshel
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[runredlights]

I was cheated on and dumped with what I believe to have been an exit affair. I think once the initial anger and shock wears off from the reality of the situation you begin to advance in five stages of grief process: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I was really bent on step three because I had sadly developed a victim blaming attitude which I understand can actually be quite common.

 

There are two healthy and honorable options to take when a relationship gets in a rut and those are either to fix the relationship, or leave it. She chose door number 3 and that is entirely on her. MY ex cheated because she chose to cheat. It is never ever your fault when someone cheats on you.

[Clay]

Everyone is responsible for there own actions. No amount of problems in the marriage ever justify cheating. If the WS can't fight for the things they feel they need then they should just leave.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Its this lack of decency and self respect that kills me. If you can't respect yourself enough not to cheat then clearly you have issues far beyond the marriage.

 

 

Clay

[violet1]

I think it's the job of both spouses to protect and affair proof the marriage. Refusing your spouse sex, neglect, taking things for grant that are important to each other will put a marriage in danger of an affair. Nothing is worse than feeling heavy resentment towards your spouse. However, there are always other options. The cheating in itself is solely on the cheater. The state of the marriage prior the affair is on both spouses.

 

 

I do wish that I sat my husband down and told him that I was considering an affair before it happened. I wish I had told him that I was so unhappy that I was also considering divorce. He knew there were major marital issues, but in his mind they weren't that bad. He has a way of down playing the severity of things in his head. This isn't an excuse, it's the truth. I wasn't in a healthy state of my mind when I cheated. During my A, I justified it by blaming my spouse, convincing myself he didn't care. I had poor coping skills, conflict avoidant, etc. The decision to cheat was my fault, not my husbands. You have to own your actions in order to learn and grow from them.

[Mal78]

My friends and I had a lively debate on whether cheating could be construed as the spouses fault; or rather that the spouse has contributed to the WS actions.

 

There were some intriguing points of view which I want to continue to explore.

Where better than LS?

 

To simplify the end result of our conversation, the group of 12 ended up falling into (roughly) two camps.

 

1. Yes, either the spouse had knowingly married a cheater but chose to turn a blind eye or was taking the relationship for granted and neglecting marital harmony. Such as lack of attention, respect or sexual responsiveness.

 

2. No, no matter how negligent the spouse was or even if the spouse was aware of cheating and chose to turn a blind eye, once the ring was on the finger all bets were off.

 

There were many nuances discussed and some allowance made, however the majority fell into group 1. (8 vs 4)

 

Any thoughts?

 

 

Note: Interestingly, the 4 in group 2. were all men.

 

So, this poll was taken based on relationships that had infidelity prior to marriage?

 

I do believe that early in relationships unless both partners fall head over heals in love and couldn't imagine life apart you are still "weighing your options" so to speak. However, if there is no prior agreement that and one feels that the relationship is a committed one it is considered cheating. This cheating, for some can be a learning curve. If the cheater wasn't clear what they wanted long term however discover through their infidelities that it was their committed partner then it could possibly be built on.

 

I base this on not believing the old adage "always a cheater". I believe people can grow in love. This would includes learning to honor and respect their committed partner. That's when marriage plays an important role in sealing that *new* commitment.

 

People change, but not usually drastically and not on a dime. If your partner is not still "selling what they advertised" then it's up to each other to communicate this. Not months/years later. Each partner needs to be reminded what it was that was their best selling feature and why that meant so much to their partner.

 

Cheaters cheat because the want/chose to. They can have all the excuses in the world and usually their "go-to" is shift blaming their spouse. The affair was fulfilling a fantasy that they chose not to communicate with their spouse and which could have been fulfilled within the marriage.

 

This isn't as cut and dry as your poll suggests. However, there are MANY *reasons* cheaters cheat none are good *excuses*. People tend to confuse the two. You can rationalize, justify and/or romanticize the idea/reality of a A. In the end it is all on the cheater.

[runredlights]

I think it's the job of both spouses to protect and affair proof the marriage. Refusing your spouse sex, neglect, taking things for grant that are important to each other will put a marriage in danger of an affair. Nothing is worse than feeling heavy resentment towards your spouse. However, there are always other options. The cheating in itself is solely on the cheater. The state of the marriage prior the affair is on both spouses.

 

 

I do wish that I sat my husband down and told him that I was considering an affair before it happened. I wish I had told him that I was so unhappy that I was also considering divorce. He knew there were major marital issues, but in his mind they weren't that bad. He has a way of down playing the severity of things in his head. This isn't an excuse, it's the truth. I wasn't in a healthy state of my mind when I cheated. During my A, I justified it by blaming my spouse, convincing myself he didn't care. I had poor coping skills, conflict avoidant, etc. The decision to cheat was my fault, not my husbands. You have to own your actions in order to learn and grow from them.

 

That's noble of you to realize your mistakes.

 

I'm not trying to be too metaphorical here, but please hear me out on this analogy. When someone gives a lecture at a seminar, or when you read a book, or watch a movie sometimes after it happened you tend to forget bits and pieces of what happened in the middle. The beginning and ending to the stories are usually the most memorable. The beginning and end are also still the same in that you were cheated on and in the end it wasn't your fault. I think stage three/bargaining comes into application here, because sometimes what's said in the middle of the piece can sometimes be emphasized too much. What's more important is the start, finish, and eventually coming to terms that there was nothing you could have done to prevent it.

 

Torturing yourself and looking for answers that may not exist was BY FAR my hardest part in overcoming my exit affair.

[evanescentworld]

My friends and I had a lively debate on whether cheating could be construed as the spouses fault; or rather that the spouse has contributed to the WS actions.

 

There were some intriguing points of view which I want to continue to explore.

Where better than LS?

 

To simplify the end result of our conversation, the group of 12 ended up falling into (roughly) two camps.

 

1. Yes, either the spouse had knowingly married a cheater but chose to turn a blind eye or was taking the relationship for granted and neglecting marital harmony. Such as lack of attention, respect or sexual responsiveness.

 

2. No, no matter how negligent the spouse was or even if the spouse was aware of cheating and chose to turn a blind eye, once the ring was on the finger all bets were off.

 

There were many nuances discussed and some allowance made, however the majority fell into group 1. (8 vs 4)

 

Any thoughts?

 

 

Note: Interestingly, the 4 in group 2. were all men.

 

When a person cheats on a spouse, it is entirely their fault, and they are to blame, guilty as hell.

 

The state, condition and health of a marriage is the joint and equal RESPONSIBILITY of BOTH spouses: Each is 50% responsible for the marriage, and each has to put 100% Effort, into their 50%.

 

When a spouse cheats, they have reneged on the entire 100% of their 50% share.

 

However, under scrutiny, it's possible that the other spouse was also negligent of their portion, and only put in 60% effort into their half-share.

[clevelander321]

Cheaters almost always resort to blame shifting..

 

In every relationship on Earth, there is another male or female that might be nicer, more sexual, have more money etc.. You do not get married with the understanding of "Well, at anytime I can start dating behind your back if I feel like it"

 

I could have thought my ex wife was not sexual enough.. Didn't cook well enough.. Didn't give me massages.. Etc.. If I was a cheater I would have cheated then blamed her for her lack of physical attention.

 

She did cheat and then later say "All I wanted was for you to hold my hand more" 100% BS.. As adults, if this was THAT important she could have had a talk with me saying "If you do not hold my hand more, I will find someone who will"..

 

It's just a way for her to try and not feel guilty for being selfish and destroying a family..

[Timshel]

To give further info regarding the dynamic of the group: there were 6 men and 6 women. 5 married couples, myself and a friend for date (male.) Dinner party, quite relaxed and pleasant.

 

A comment that gave me pause was by a man in a married relationship. In response to another male in group 1.: Wouldn't the denial of any culpability in the demise of the relationship in essence be part of the volition of the cheater?

 

So I took that to mean that the insistence of remaining an inactive participant in the marriage, you did this, it's all your fault; that demeanor was present prior to the affair. A resistance to engaging in the marriage/relationship?

[Red123]

I think it's the job of both spouses to protect and affair proof the marriage. Refusing your spouse sex, neglect, taking things for grant that are important to each other will put a marriage in danger of an affair. Nothing is worse than feeling heavy resentment towards your spouse. However, there are always other options. The cheating in itself is solely on the cheater. The state of the marriage prior the affair is on both spouses.

 

 

I do wish that I sat my husband down and told him that I was considering an affair before it happened. I wish I had told him that I was so unhappy that I was also considering divorce. He knew there were major marital issues, but in his mind they weren't that bad. He has a way of down playing the severity of things in his head. This isn't an excuse, it's the truth. I wasn't in a healthy state of my mind when I cheated. During my A, I justified it by blaming my spouse, convincing myself he didn't care. I had poor coping skills, conflict avoidant, etc. The decision to cheat was my fault, not my husbands. You have to own your actions in order to learn and grow from them.

 

Your statement sounds very familiar to me, except I'm the BS, my H says things like that when we discuss the A. I have to say that IME we were both in major resentment mode and neglecting eachother before his A. I was doing most of the neglecting and he was in major resentment mode, but did not discuss the extent with me, although I knew I didn't realize how bad he had gotten. As unhappy as I was I didn't think we would lose eachother, even though at times I was planning to leave him without the knowledge of the A. None of the this makes sense to me now that I am out of it but at the time I justified my neglect and expected him to fix us with no help from me. So I didn't make him cheat, but when a woman in his office said things like your so wonderful and I can't believe you would be interested in me I can see that at that time I didn't give him a good reason to not cheat.

[Timshel]

Your statement sounds very familiar to me, except I'm the BS, my H says things like that when we discuss the A. I have to say that IME we were both in major resentment mode and neglecting eachother before his A. I was doing most of the neglecting and he was in major resentment mode, but did not discuss the extent with me, although I knew I didn't realize how bad he had gotten. As unhappy as I was I didn't think we would lose eachother, even though at times I was planning to leave him without the knowledge of the A. None of the this makes sense to me now that I am out of it but at the time I justified my neglect and expected him to fix us with no help from me. So I didn't make him cheat, but when a woman in his office said things like your so wonderful and I can't believe you would be interested in me I can see that at that time I didn't give him a good reason to not cheat.

 

Yes, this is what intrigued me about this discussion. Often, the spouse cheated on leaves the relationship or stays in it with the "Trump" card. You committed the ultimate marital sin, therefore I have no responsibility and you are a complete ***hole. Case closed.

 

I wonder if after the initial hurt and shock (wake up call) if the spouse instead of reveling in the "sin" of the cheater, took a long look at their role or the lack there of in the marriage.

 

Everyone agreed that cheating is wrong. We also agreed how lovely in wonderland if every person who cheated had the foresight to announce that this would occur and leave the marriage untainted.

 

By demonizing the cheater, unless serial, do we let the other 50% off the hook?

[Red123]

Yes, this is what intrigued me about this discussion. Often, the spouse cheated on leaves the relationship or stays in it with the "Trump" card. You committed the ultimate marital sin, therefore I have no responsibility and you are a complete ***hole. Case closed.

 

I wonder if after the initial hurt and shock (wake up call) if the spouse instead of reveling in the "sin" of the cheater, took a long look at their role or the lack there of in the marriage.

 

Everyone agreed that cheating is wrong. We also agreed how lovely in wonderland if every person who cheated had the foresight to announce that this would occur and leave the marriage untainted.

 

By demonizing the cheater, unless serial, do we let the other 50% off the hook?

 

In my case I know deep down that I wasn't a great spouse about a year prior to all of this beginning. So I couldn't claim that I was and that I was morally higher than him, there are many ways to betray your spouse, and I did just not the same as him. I could only begin to see this once the pain lessened. We split up prior to my Dday but still lived together while we were figuring things out. Right after we split up I started looking at my part in the breakdown of us, but when Dday hit I set that aside and fully blamed him. Once the pain started to lift and I went back to being honest with myself I could see my part again. There are lots of BS who can honestly claim they were good spouses and their cheating partners were fully to blame for the A, I'm just not one of them. And yes it was a wake up for both of us. 18 years together with no infidelity, approximately 3.5 months of infidelity(we don't see eye to eye on this, he feels it was only a month, I consider all contact to be the A) and about a year of detaching on my part, let's say we are awake now.

[waterwoman]

It really is never (well vanishingly rarely I would suggest) the fault of only one spouse that a marriage reaches a poor state. Generally there is a history of minor resentments and irritations that build up over the years - sometimes either spouse might feel that on their own the issues aren't worth mentioning so they don't and silently seethe as the issues mount up. A relationship might be in a fairly unhealthy state and someone needs to take action..... but neither does, or doesn't sufficiently, because they don't really know how to, are afraid, or are too resentful, to make the effort.

 

It isn't usually the fault of either one of the spouses alone. Which is why I always gets so irritated when APs on here tell us how dreadful his or her lover's spouse is - no-one outside the of the marriage can ever see the whole picture down the long years of a marriage - and the current dreadfulness might well have been the outcome of both spouses neglect and unkindness at various times.

 

At this point an outsider could well look at that marriage and say 'well, I don't blame him/her for cheating, their spouse is a total nightmare'. But in many many cases it really isn't that simple.

 

All an affair does is make everything worse, in terms of the marriage. It might (possibly) make one of the two disatisfied spouses happier in the short term, but in terms of the marriage it's like cutting off your foot to get rid of a corn on your big toe. Even if the straying spouse really wants to leave the marriage, it must be on of the very worst ways to do it.

[clevelander321]

Yes, this is what intrigued me about this discussion. Often, the spouse cheated on leaves the relationship or stays in it with the "Trump" card. You committed the ultimate marital sin, therefore I have no responsibility and you are a complete ***hole. Case closed.

 

I wonder if after the initial hurt and shock (wake up call) if the spouse instead of reveling in the "sin" of the cheater, took a long look at their role or the lack there of in the marriage.

 

Everyone agreed that cheating is wrong. We also agreed how lovely in wonderland if every person who cheated had the foresight to announce that this would occur and leave the marriage untainted.

 

By demonizing the cheater, unless serial, do we let the other 50% off the hook?

 

There is no way to know exactly what the cheater wants if they do not communicate it..And communicate it with what they will do if they do not get it..

 

When you are married with kids, there is a lot of pressure for money, the kids take time, bills, saving, planning etc.. At this point the cheater can talk to you about their needs in an adult manner.

 

If they just decide to go cheat, how on Earth do you even know what you did wrong? Were you working too much? Not enough? Not helping at home enough? Not enough romance? etc.. And once caught the cheater will then blame shift so you still do not know why they cheated.

[jnel921]

When I married my 2nd H I was aware that he cheated on his first W as so was I by my first H. I never turned a blind eye to anything.

 

My H knew how I felt about infidelity and how I would react if it ever happened to me again. When he had his A and broke us this was HIS choice not mine.

 

My H was very lucky that I gave him the opportunity to prove himself and rebuild our M.

 

I didn't go into this M expecting to get hurt. Unfortunately there are people who make the wrong choices. That is not a BS fault. We don't guide our men's penis's into other woman as do men spread their wives legs for other men to invade.

 

I was more than ready to leave and move on. I have no tolerance for this in my life. I expect what everyone expects when they marry. To be loved and respected.

 

If a WS steps out it shouldn't be with the mindset " if you knew I was a cheat then don't be surprised". That's just pure crap and ridiculous.

 

I am not sure who your panel of 12 was. But I am sure it wasn't full of the experienced people here on this site. There is no divide on this matter.

[Mal78]

Yes, this is what intrigued me about this discussion. Often, the spouse cheated on leaves the relationship or stays in it with the "Trump" card. You committed the ultimate marital sin, therefore I have no responsibility and you are a complete ***hole. Case closed.

 

I wonder if after the initial hurt and shock (wake up call) if the spouse instead of reveling in the "sin" of the cheater, took a long look at their role or the lack there of in the marriage.

 

Everyone agreed that cheating is wrong. We also agreed how lovely in wonderland if every person who cheated had the foresight to announce that this would occur and leave the marriage untainted.

 

By demonizing the cheater, unless serial, do we let the other 50% off the hook?

 

Of course as part of the grieving period post-A the BS always looks at what *they* did to cause their WS to cheat. They blame themselves in some manner. However, when grieving a loss of any kind this is part of the normal process and not at all fact. You can't be blamed for something you have no control over. You eventually have to see it this way. Not so you can go on a power trip, however to heal.

[dichotomy]

My wife cheated on me while she was still in the "maddly in love phase" before marriage and slighly afterwards. It was a hidden EA with a long time MM in her life (previously PA before me). I had no clue about the man. There were other minor and mondest betrayals/lies I also found out later about, but this particular MM was the big one.

 

Since she was crazy about me, we were in the romance phase = wine and roses. She thought I was perfect candidate for husband for her, father figure to her child, and desperately wanted to marry me - how could I have had anything to do with her affair?

 

I suppose one can ask (as OP has) if I should have known better, and not been so trusting. I really tried to pick someone who I believed had the right background and values. I specifically choose her because she said she believed in certain moral, higher power, ways of living and had also been betrayed. Hindsight I can see somethings now - but hindsight is 20/20.

 

Human beings are flawed creatures who fall down.She had fallen hard for a while.

Edited January 18, 2015 by dichotomy

[AlwaysGrowing]

For me...cheating is a separate entity from the marriage.

 

All infidelity experts agree that infidelity happens in more good marriages than the general public wants to accept.

 

It is far more easier to accept that infidelity happens in bad marriages only, people take comfort in that. "Good thing our marriage isn't like theirs".

 

There are serial cheaters, those that lack a back bone to end an unhealthy relationship and those that get caught up in the "feel good" attention of another.

 

In only one of those, can one say the marriage was "bad".

 

And what exactly is a bad marriage? What is a good marriage? Is having one or the other make one more prone to having an affair? Stats say no.

 

The most important indicator is ones own self respect, integrity and personal boundaries. Something that the marriage in of itself can not provide.....it is an inside job.

[Timshel]

My wife cheated on me while she was still in the "maddly in love phase" before marriage and slighly afterwards. It was a hidden EA with a long time MM in her life (previously PA before me). I had no clue about the man. There were other minor and mondest betrayals/lies I also found out later about, but this particular MM was the big one.

 

Since she was crazy about me, we were in the romance phase = wine and roses. She thought I was perfect candidate for husband for her, father figure to her child, and desperately wanted to marry me - how could I have had anything to do with her affair?

 

I suppose one can ask (as OP has) if I should have known better, and not been so trusting. I really tried to pick someone who I believed had the right background and values. I specifically choose her because she said she believed in certain moral, higher power, ways of living and had also been betrayed. Hindsight I can see somethings now - but hindsight is 20/20.

 

What a b*tch. So sorry. I hope you have joy now.

 

On this site posters point out to the OP what is so glaringly obvious to objective parties. The OP often grapples for pages about how LS posters are wrong in their situation, then at long last, bingo. The light comes on and all heck breaks loose.

 

Why? Everything reported is from the OP. Yet the Op is blind to it until it is dissected by LS. Should the OP have known?

[Timshel]

For me...cheating is a separate entity from the marriage.

 

All infidelity experts agree that infidelity happens in more good marriages than the general public wants to accept.

 

It is far more easier to accept that infidelity happens in bad marriages only, people take comfort in that. "Good thing our marriage isn't like theirs".

 

There are serial cheaters, those that lack a back bone to end an unhealthy relationship and those that get caught up in the "feel good" attention of another.

 

In only one of those, can one say the marriage was "bad".

 

And what exactly is a bad marriage? What is a good marriage? Is having one or the other make one more prone to having an affair? Stats say no.

 

The most important indicator is ones own self respect, integrity and personal boundaries. Something that the marriage in of itself can not provide.....it is an inside job.

 

And awareness? Presence in the relationship?

[sandylee1]

I think each situation is to be judged on its merits. I would never say a BS is to blame. I think they are occasionally guilty of ignoring the obvious problems in their marriage.

 

Btw I'm neither a BS OR A WS.

 

When I hear that a couple have not had sex in 1, 2 , 3 years upwards, I have to question why they are so blindsided when an A happens. Of course this is on the assumption that one party wants sex and the other doesn't. If medical reasons are a factor, then that is a different situation. If one person rejects the other over a period of time with no reason, you should not be surprised if they step outside the marriage. That would be very naive.

 

Of course communication is the key here, because unless both are happy with a sexless marriage something like cheating is inevitable.

 

I'm not condoning cheating, I'm just being real. It's like a child in school stealing lunch from classmates lunchbox. It is wrong, he knows it is wrong, but because his parents failed to feed him enough he resorted to stealing. This is an extreme example and I know that food is a basic human need. For some people sex, love and affection are a basic human need too.

 

I know that most people will say there was no lack of sex in their relationships and cheating still happened. Sometimes people are at a real low in their lives when cheating or an A happens. In some cases the marriage was in a pretty bad states anyway.

 

So why not get divorced? A co-worker told me it would be to expensive to divorce and he wasn't letting his W who had never worked since they got married get her hands on his money.

[purplesorrow]

So if I am at fault for his cheating, he gets credit for me staying faithful? We both chose the paths we ended up on. We didn't have a sexless marriage. We spent a lot of time together, still romancing each other after so many years. He had personal issues that led him to cheat. There is nothing he could have done that would turn me into a lie and a cheat. People cheat because they want to. He even says there is nothing I could have done differently. He knows what kind of person I am. He knew I would divorce and never ask for anything. That is exactly what I offered on dday right along with 50/50 custody. 2 years later he is still in therapy for why he chose the path he did.

[Timshel]

Thanks to all who replied. Thank you for your stories and honesty.

 

I don't know if any in the group has cheated or in an affair.

 

During the conversation/debate, there were lots of looks between couples, a lot of "I didn't know you thought/felt that way." As the conversation progressed I noticed lots more touching, eye contact and leg holding. That was cool.

 

It was not aimed to put the spouse of a cheater down, more to understand why a person cheats and if the spouse can/should have any responsibility.

 

Like I said, we all agreed cheating was the wrong conflict resolution. Every person is responsible for their own actions and no one can make you cheat.

 

We were coming from a place of marital stagnation and the possibility that a person can choose to surrender to drudgery because of the other spouse's unwillingness to accommodate or compromise, leaving the WS ripe for infidelity.

 

A complex and emotional topic. Yet everyone left the table I think feeling more connected.

 

As most of you have said, marriage must be tended to by both parties.

[AlwaysGrowing]

[/b]

 

And awareness? Presence in the relationship?

 

 

Everyone gets to own their own actions.

 

It is what parents and educators try to teach children.

 

If one feels a relationship is not working for them, the appropriate response is divorce. Not subjecting your spouse to STI's, redirecting family assets to lead a double life, taking the "benefits" the spouse gives (ie:income, child rearing, household chores..etc).

 

Our self respect and integrity should ALWAYS a be linked to who we want to be. It is a cop-out to blame someone else for our own failures.

 

There is a line from a song that resonates with me to this day.

 

Tell me all the things I wasn't could have made this big a difference to all the things you are.

 

One thing I have learned, is that being cheated on doesn't tell me one blessed thing about you. Being an active cheater does.

[autumnnight]

First, let me say that the choice to cheat is ALWAYS within the control of the cheater. They are choosing that action, no matter how much unhappiness did or did not lead up to it.

 

Second, you can usually tell where someone is in their process by how much they over simplify. Your question will cause a cheater in denial to go straight to blaming the BS or being up in arms over some straw man idea such as "You mean they can ignore and neglect me all they want and I have no recourse but to just suffer????" Of course, that is not what you said, but they cannot be objective enough to see it any other way.

 

For a BS in various stages, they will go straight to: "only a horrible person would step out because the roast was burned" or "I guess I just forced them to cheat then!" when we all know that was not what you meant and that it is more nuanced than that.

 

Bottom line, we can think our marriage is fine while our spouse is withering inside. We can communicate with our spouse using powerpoint, signs, giant billboards, and everything else, and they might refuse to hear us. Just because SOME people cheat in good marriages doesn't mean my marriage was good. Or bad.

 

I probably agree the most with Always Growing in that the state of the marriage and the affair are 2 issues. The state of the marriage can contribute to a WS's vulnerability, but it in NO way MAKES them cheat.

 

This question/comment:

 

Yes, this is what intrigued me about this discussion. Often, the spouse cheated on leaves the relationship or stays in it with the "Trump" card. You committed the ultimate marital sin, therefore I have no responsibility and you are a complete ***hole. Case closed.

 

I wonder if after the initial hurt and shock (wake up call) if the spouse instead of reveling in the "sin" of the cheater, took a long look at their role or the lack there of in the marriage.

 

All I can say is you are brave to pose it.