bruce_lee Posted January 18, 2015 Posted January 18, 2015 So recently, I tried to get back together with a girl that I met (and went out with) back in October. Initially, she was making all the moves, so her interest was clearly sky high. Long story short, I wasn't quick enough and everything fizzled out, only for me to later realise that I really like her. When I say, like, that's somewhat of an understatement. We got chatting again over Xmas and the new year, and she agreed to come out for dinner with me, but I could not pin her down to a date. I just left the ball in her court as any time would have been fine for me, but she didn't follow up. I asked her a second time, to which her response was enthusiastic, but she still came up with an excuse. By this time, it's obvious that she is having doubts. Last night, a Facebook post appeared of her in a club with a guy she was seeing before Xmas, so now all is clear. Anyway, I was going to send this message to put things to bed, but also try to find out why she couldn't commit: "Hi [girl's name]. Message received. I guess I'm three months too late... sorry about that. You seemed keen to go out though... what's stopping you? Anyway, I'll leave the dinner offer on the table. If you change your mind, or if you're still interested, you know where to find me." I can't see it causing a problem, but I just want a second opinion. It's tempting to say more, but common opinion seems to be that this is a bad idea, and reeks of desperation.
CastlesInTheSky Posted January 18, 2015 Posted January 18, 2015 It's a bad idea because you're clearly more interested in her than she is in you. In fact, I'd say she isn't interested in you at all. A good word of advice is while you're pursuing a woman, do not let your interests levels get so high so early on until she gives you CLEAR signals she's interested. I assume you're young, and young girls who are teeming with options tend to be fickle. If you can't send her a message and be indifferent about it, best thing would be to move on and meet other girls. She's either a blessing or a lesson. Good luck. -Castles 2
morrowrd Posted January 18, 2015 Posted January 18, 2015 Listen, wake up and smell the coffee. She isn't interested in you, and she's trying to let you down lightly. Groveling around with offers for dinner is a low-dignity way to do business. Respect is what you need for her and yourself, and that's a pretty good rule of thumb to follow. You AREN'T in a relationship, thus she does NOT owe you an explanation as to why she isn't showing initiative in taking you up on your offer. Take the obvious clues as a polite no, and respect it, and move on. Say nothing on Facebook, say nothing period. Dismiss the whole episode as a lesson learned if you're wise enough to take advice. At some point, maybe she'll revisit seeing you, maybe she won't. Don't lose any sleep over, move on and start seeing others yourself. You said yourself you didn't move fast enough. In "the game" - if you snooze, you lose. Know what you want next time around, and don't waffle. Life lesson #2. 4
Maleficent Posted January 18, 2015 Posted January 18, 2015 I wouldn't send her anything. Sh already knows everything you're trying to tell her. If she wants to see you, she knows how to find you. If a guy I've shown lukewarm interest in sent me this kind of message, my first thought would be 'who the hell do you think you are?' and he would probably never hear from me again. This looks more to me like you need closure and want her to be part of it. Deep down you know it's not gonna happen so it's your last attempt at getting a reaction out of her. 2
CastlesInTheSky Posted January 18, 2015 Posted January 18, 2015 Wow, do women think themselves so highly that they can't just drop a message and tell a guy the truth? And yet they cry when a guy does the same thing? Wasn't feminism supposed to make women strong?
SycamoreCircle Posted January 18, 2015 Posted January 18, 2015 Do not send any message. You will just look lame. In the future, if you're going to act spoiled about not getting what you want from prospects then you need to have a couple of things going at the same time. With the advent of online dating, that's pretty easy to do. I used to make the mistake you're making. Save yourself the trouble. There is a very small window of time from when you show interest in a woman to when you know she's keen on you. That doesn't mean the two of you have to be in bed in two weeks. It can drag out to, and it would be best if it were dragged out to, a month or more. Certainly if you don't know her. This is a numbers game. Ditch the oneitis. Dip your big toe in the water. If it's not warm, move on immediately. 2
Maleficent Posted January 18, 2015 Posted January 18, 2015 Wow, do women think themselves so highly that they can't just drop a message and tell a guy the truth? And yet they cry when a guy does the same thing? Wasn't feminism supposed to make women strong? exactly. Women do it. Men do it. Feminism is about establishing equity and stop gender related oppression. Not about who gets to complain more about how they are getting treated by the other gender. Sheesh. 2
Author bruce_lee Posted January 18, 2015 Author Posted January 18, 2015 Thanks for the replies. Guess I'll hold fire. What I wanted to hear... No What I needed to hear... Probably What I don't get is how nothing came of our positive interactions over Xmas and new year. It felt like it did when she was really into me in October. Even though she was on holiday with all her flatmates for xmas, she would still happily chat with me. She even blew me kisses via Snapchat. When I asked her to dinner she said "yay, sure let's go". Hell, initially she asked me to take her when I sent her a photo of my meal! Surely it's understandable for thinking she actually wanted to go with a response like that? We even had a flirty conversation that somehow got to talking about Anne Summers lingerie. Don't try to tell me that happens when there is zero interest. The issue as far as I see it, is that the other guy I mentioned came back onto the scene (in person) before I managed to see her, and her attention was drawn back to him. Obviously, meeting up in person would have had much greater impact than texting etc. Although I do accept that there is probably nothing more I can do, it still doesn't make any ****ing sense.
preraph Posted January 18, 2015 Posted January 18, 2015 She's moved on. Finding out why -- you know why. She has a new bf. Finding out why is rarely anything useful anyway because it's usually something about them more than something about you. It's like when you try on clothes and something doesn't look good. It will look good on someone else. It's not about you, though, it's about the clothes are simply not meant for you. But some other clothes will fit you perfectly. 1
truth_seeker Posted January 18, 2015 Posted January 18, 2015 Do not send any message. You will just look lame. In the future, if you're going to act spoiled about not getting what you want from prospects then you need to have a couple of things going at the same time. With the advent of online dating, that's pretty easy to do. I used to make the mistake you're making. Save yourself the trouble. There is a very small window of time from when you show interest in a woman to when you know she's keen on you. That doesn't mean the two of you have to be in bed in two weeks. It can drag out to, and it would be best if it were dragged out to, a month or more. Certainly if you don't know her. This is a numbers game. Ditch the oneitis. Dip your big toe in the water. If it's not warm, move on immediately. Good advice. Don't focus on one girl until you're both exclusive. What you do is date multiple people and keep your options open until you meet a woman you can be exclusive with... this way you wont find yourself sending FB messages to women asking what happened, why it didn't work out. You'll be able to brush one off and go to the next one. This is coming from experience, so don't feel bad.
Versacehottie Posted January 18, 2015 Posted January 18, 2015 well i don't think you need to put it to bed forever. it's just not going to happen right now because she is likely seeing the other guy. I definitely don't think you should say anything to her trying to "define". Just act cool and confident. Chances are your opportunity will come around again. In fact, it's better if she doesn't spell it out for you and tell you what's going on exactly with this guy. That way you can continue to flirt with her and leave things open ended. I don't get why none of the critical comments--ok let's call them learning moments/advice-- to you have not said anything about "you should have recognized a good thing when SHE was interested". I don't think anything is wrong with wanting one specific person, especially once you feel like you know each other in a way better than people just meeting at the beginning. I think your biggest problem was letting her get away the first time. It's not cool when a guy (or girl) assumes that just because her interest level was high up front that she wasn't worthy of dating. Don't worry you're not the only one who makes that mistake but I wouldn't do it again or you will continually find yourself in this situation. Try not to let your ego be involved and evaluate the person for who they really are and what it would be like to have her in your life. I mean, who is to say that the way you are currently feeling isn't STILL about you and has nothing to do with her. Maybe you just can't believe she actually moved on? Some people just want what they can't have and want nothing to do with what they can. In any case, if your intentions are good, then good luck. If she is dating someone else now, it's probably not forever, and doesn't mean her feelings for you have gone away--especially if you guys never really got into a relationship. There will be another chance.
Author bruce_lee Posted January 18, 2015 Author Posted January 18, 2015 well i don't think you need to put it to bed forever. it's just not going to happen right now because she is likely seeing the other guy. I definitely don't think you should say anything to her trying to "define". Just act cool and confident. Chances are your opportunity will come around again. In fact, it's better if she doesn't spell it out for you and tell you what's going on exactly with this guy. That way you can continue to flirt with her and leave things open ended. I don't get why none of the critical comments--ok let's call them learning moments/advice-- to you have not said anything about "you should have recognized a good thing when SHE was interested". I don't think anything is wrong with wanting one specific person, especially once you feel like you know each other in a way better than people just meeting at the beginning. I think your biggest problem was letting her get away the first time. It's not cool when a guy (or girl) assumes that just because her interest level was high up front that she wasn't worthy of dating. Don't worry you're not the only one who makes that mistake but I wouldn't do it again or you will continually find yourself in this situation. Try not to let your ego be involved and evaluate the person for who they really are and what it would be like to have her in your life. I mean, who is to say that the way you are currently feeling isn't STILL about you and has nothing to do with her. Maybe you just can't believe she actually moved on? Some people just want what they can't have and want nothing to do with what they can. In any case, if your intentions are good, then good luck. If she is dating someone else now, it's probably not forever, and doesn't mean her feelings for you have gone away--especially if you guys never really got into a relationship. There will be another chance. I think this is closer to the root of my problem; why did I let her go in the first place? Ultimately, I can be a tough nut to crack. It takes a lot for me to open up for someone. Suffice to say, I don't trust people that much, perhaps to my detriment, but I have very genuine reasons for this. At no point did I think that she was not worthy of dating; She is intelligent, we have many common interests, and, hands down, she is one of the most gorgeous females I have ever seen (and that isn't just my emotions talking). I foolishly assumed she would stick around longer due to her high interest. Seriously, one more date would have been enough for me to drop my guard. I guess my confidence isn't where it should be, especially around women. What's more annoying, is that I know there is no real basis for me to feel this way. I am a good looking guy. I'm a weightlifter, am quite muscular and lean, about to finish a maths degree (probably with first class honours), likeable, polite, and can talk with people easily. What I lack is the ability to strike while the iron is hot. I consider what might go wrong, instead of thinking about how something could enhance my life, and in doing so, often lose out. The quote "more is lost through indecision, rather than the wrong decision", describes many "what-if?" moments in my life. For example, I could have been an Olympic level sprinter, or professional footballer, but I didn't take the chance to train at that level, just in case I failed. So yes, ultimately, it's more about me. She didn't really put a foot wrong. In fact, I imagine she was quite confused and thought I didn't even like her! For some reason, this is one "what-if?" moment that has hit harder than most, yet I know in the long run, it won't have that much of an impact on my quality of life or prospects. Thanks for the response
Versacehottie Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 well i thought something like this might be the majority of the problem. That's why I said it will keep following you around if you don't deal with it and you will miss out on good people. The first step is recognizing it and wanting to do something about it. sounds like you do so that's good. it's been illuminating to see on this site that a lot of guys protect themselves so much that in turn they sabotague relationships. The girl isn't even really in true consideration. I have seen this happen a lot but it has taken reading on here to actually believe that there is a depth of feeling protective that they just can't overcome. I think the majority of girls just believe that guys like you aren't that interested, a player or a jerk and take it personally. Needless to say, at some point everyone has to move on to where they go to next relationship because they realize they are not going to get what they want from someone who is not willing to become vulnerable and that's why they are holding back. I have no real judgement about it--it's just been interesting to hear people describe it. I think you are being pretty open here (albeit anonymously) and maybe the strength of your feelings for this one will help you. Either in your level of effort to get her or when you realize you don't want to mess up the next good one. I'm 100% convinced that you still have a chance. Have seen it a ton of times. I don't think a proclamation of any sort is necessary at this point though. Show her you're different, treat her better and show interest. Don't expect a miracle or get caught up in the timeframe and become impatient. In the meantime date others--while not necessarily hiding that from her, I would do that outside of your circle and not post stuff to social media--you want to keep your options open. They just started dating and stuff is fragile at the beginning. Nothing is set in stone. Life is shades of grey not black and white, especially with relationships!
Author bruce_lee Posted January 20, 2015 Author Posted January 20, 2015 well i thought something like this might be the majority of the problem. That's why I said it will keep following you around if you don't deal with it and you will miss out on good people. The first step is recognizing it and wanting to do something about it. sounds like you do so that's good. it's been illuminating to see on this site that a lot of guys protect themselves so much that in turn they sabotague relationships. The girl isn't even really in true consideration. I have seen this happen a lot but it has taken reading on here to actually believe that there is a depth of feeling protective that they just can't overcome. I think the majority of girls just believe that guys like you aren't that interested, a player or a jerk and take it personally. Needless to say, at some point everyone has to move on to where they go to next relationship because they realize they are not going to get what they want from someone who is not willing to become vulnerable and that's why they are holding back. I have no real judgement about it--it's just been interesting to hear people describe it. I think you are being pretty open here (albeit anonymously) and maybe the strength of your feelings for this one will help you. Either in your level of effort to get her or when you realize you don't want to mess up the next good one. I'm 100% convinced that you still have a chance. Have seen it a ton of times. I don't think a proclamation of any sort is necessary at this point though. Show her you're different, treat her better and show interest. Don't expect a miracle or get caught up in the timeframe and become impatient. In the meantime date others--while not necessarily hiding that from her, I would do that outside of your circle and not post stuff to social media--you want to keep your options open. They just started dating and stuff is fragile at the beginning. Nothing is set in stone. Life is shades of grey not black and white, especially with relationships! I have dated a couple of others since, one of which was a friend of hers. She was/is really friendly and seems keen to go out again. Can't really say a bad thing about her, except, she isn't the one I want. It's so annoying when this happens - the girl I'm not mad about maintains a high interest, and the one I want is out of reach. The shoe is on the other foot now I suppose. I don't always screw up in the ways I've described, only when I start to realise I really like someone. It isn't difficult for me to chat up girls. I remember when I first me the original girl... I was smooth, really smooth. It didn't even feel like me talking. I genuinely wasn't even trying to chat her up, as I was far more interested in the activity we were doing (karting). Things only went awry when I realised I could do with her in my life!
Versacehottie Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 well yeah it all sounds fine but wait oops, you dated her friend afterward. others may want to chime in but a lot of girls wouldn't be cool with that (even though you had no obligation to each other at the time). That may be a dealbreaker for her. Like i said, keep it out of the circle. Date but not where it's in her face. A friend of hers is about as "in her face" as it gets. I'm sorry:( 2
doeblin Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 Yes, dating her friend definitely mucked things up. Especially if you had sex with her friend. Depending how close they are. Back off for a while. Plenty of other girls out there.
Author bruce_lee Posted January 20, 2015 Author Posted January 20, 2015 well yeah it all sounds fine but wait oops, you dated her friend afterward. others may want to chime in but a lot of girls wouldn't be cool with that (even though you had no obligation to each other at the time). That may be a dealbreaker for her. Like i said, keep it out of the circle. Date but not where it's in her face. A friend of hers is about as "in her face" as it gets. I'm sorry:( She doesn't know.
Toodaloo Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 Thanks for the replies. Guess I'll hold fire. What I wanted to hear... No What I needed to hear... Probably What I don't get is how nothing came of our positive interactions over Xmas and new year. It felt like it did when she was really into me in October. Even though she was on holiday with all her flatmates for xmas, she would still happily chat with me. She even blew me kisses via Snapchat. When I asked her to dinner she said "yay, sure let's go". Hell, initially she asked me to take her when I sent her a photo of my meal! Surely it's understandable for thinking she actually wanted to go with a response like that? We even had a flirty conversation that somehow got to talking about Anne Summers lingerie. Don't try to tell me that happens when there is zero interest. The issue as far as I see it, is that the other guy I mentioned came back onto the scene (in person) before I managed to see her, and her attention was drawn back to him. Obviously, meeting up in person would have had much greater impact than texting etc. Although I do accept that there is probably nothing more I can do, it still doesn't make any ****ing sense. Makes perfect sense to me. She was into you and gave it a shot you couldn't be bothered and now you are back on the scene and wanting her she thinks you have tried for better not got it so coming back with your tail between your legs. Sorry but thats how I would see it. And no I would not like it either and would probably do the same.
Versacehottie Posted January 21, 2015 Posted January 21, 2015 She doesn't know. Are you sure?!?! I think you are severely underestimating our ability to share this type of information. I would say it's a top subject among us--I would give it slots 1, 2, 3, and 4. LOL, i say this jokingly but unless "her friend" had a reason to hide the info, chances are the original girl knows--and if she doesn't know she might suspect. We tend to have a radar for this sort of thing. 1
BeholdtheMan Posted January 21, 2015 Posted January 21, 2015 A boys seeks closure from the other party. A man finds closure within himself.
Author bruce_lee Posted January 21, 2015 Author Posted January 21, 2015 Are you sure?!?! I think you are severely underestimating our ability to share this type of information. I would say it's a top subject among us--I would give it slots 1, 2, 3, and 4. LOL, i say this jokingly but unless "her friend" had a reason to hide the info, chances are the original girl knows--and if she doesn't know she might suspect. We tend to have a radar for this sort of thing. She definitely doesn't know. If it had been one of the girls she lives with, she absolutely would know, but it isn't. The second girl doesn't know that I know the first, so there would be no reason for her to bring it up. If her housemates are, say, "level 1" friends, the second girl is "level 2", i.e. not on such a level that they would share everything. Plus, I went out with the first girl in October, and the second in December. Is this really such a problem?
Versacehottie Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 She definitely doesn't know. If it had been one of the girls she lives with, she absolutely would know, but it isn't. The second girl doesn't know that I know the first, so there would be no reason for her to bring it up. If her housemates are, say, "level 1" friends, the second girl is "level 2", i.e. not on such a level that they would share everything. Plus, I went out with the first girl in October, and the second in December. Is this really such a problem? Listen, i'm trying to help so this is not meant as a criticism. But hopefully you will take it as a place from where you can do some damage control. That's all it's meant to be. Yes it would be a problem with MANY girls. You dated first girl and at that time she liked you more than you did her so she didn't get what she wanted, ie rejected. Then you turn around and date another girl who she knows. I can pretty much guess what's going thru her mind if she was to know this info and it's not good. Especially now if you have realized you ARE really interested in the first girl. To be completely honest there are some girls who would feel competitive enough that there would still be some level of interest in you but it really wouldn't be "pure" anymore. Does that make sense? For your best chance with her even though you rejected her initially, stay "pure" And like I said you are severely underestimating the way news travels in girl world. Level 1 and level 2--they talk about this kind of stuff--and they have connector friends, and so on and so forth. I was once in a foreign country and knew similar information via level 2 less than 12 hours after it happened. Phone service wasn't good either where I was and with a significant time difference and considering the "date" had just happened, it's pretty amazing. Only trying to help you with this info so you can cover your tracks and plant seeds outside the circle next time. We most definitely DO talk.
Author bruce_lee Posted January 23, 2015 Author Posted January 23, 2015 Listen, i'm trying to help so this is not meant as a criticism. But hopefully you will take it as a place from where you can do some damage control. That's all it's meant to be. Yes it would be a problem with MANY girls. You dated first girl and at that time she liked you more than you did her so she didn't get what she wanted, ie rejected. Then you turn around and date another girl who she knows. I can pretty much guess what's going thru her mind if she was to know this info and it's not good. Especially now if you have realized you ARE really interested in the first girl. To be completely honest there are some girls who would feel competitive enough that there would still be some level of interest in you but it really wouldn't be "pure" anymore. Does that make sense? For your best chance with her even though you rejected her initially, stay "pure" And like I said you are severely underestimating the way news travels in girl world. Level 1 and level 2--they talk about this kind of stuff--and they have connector friends, and so on and so forth. I was once in a foreign country and knew similar information via level 2 less than 12 hours after it happened. Phone service wasn't good either where I was and with a significant time difference and considering the "date" had just happened, it's pretty amazing. Only trying to help you with this info so you can cover your tracks and plant seeds outside the circle next time. We most definitely DO talk. I do appreciate the help, and criticism is probably what I DO need! For the sake of argument, let's just roll with "she doesn't know", or at the least "what she may know hasn't bothered her", otherwise, why would she have been chatty and flirty over the Xmas and New year period? For now, am I just supposed to wait for an opportunity, or should I create one? It's tempting to talk to her on Facebook, but I'd rather do any talking in person, as we definitely messaged/texted way too much in the beginning, leaving less to talk about when we did meet up. However, I'm more likely to see her in a club than anywhere else, and talking is nigh-on impossible with the music blaring.
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