Aayla Posted January 18, 2015 Posted January 18, 2015 Hello everyone I've started dating this guy a few months ago. He's 25 and a physicist currently doing his pHd. I am a year younger and also studying, but in the field of arts. When we started seeing each other, we both decided to stay open to the possibility of a relationship, but wanted get to know each other first. First 2 months we only saw each other on weekends - usually friday and saturday. We would go out, have fun, talk, the usual. He kept repeating that he wants to get to know me better. It's been 4 months now. I saw a change in his behavior towards more affectionate, in terms of, for example: holding my hand in public, passionate kissing/sex (he started to refer to sex as love-making, which wasn't the case before), talking about very personal topics and asking for my opinion in everything, more daily contact through calls/texts, presenting me to his friends, buying me a special gift for my birthday... I am confident that he is not seeing anybody else and not having interest in doing so either. He also talks about future plans a lot, stuff he's like to do with me in a week, in a month, in the summer... and he seems really enthusiastic about all that. He also told me between the lines that he's fallen for me pretty hard, and that he wants to continue seeing me. Now, the problem... He tends to go to extreme with social isolation. It's been 4 months and I still see him once a week, sometimes more if I'm lucky. At first I thought it has something to do with me. Then I asked him to explain this behavior to me, and he told me that he's glad that I asked and explained that he gets really cought up in his thesis and work and sort of disattaches from the world for days. He said that he noticed that problem and is trying not to go to those extremes so much. I noticed that he keeps little social contact with people in general, although he likes to go out and stuff. There are times when days pass without him contacting me or making any effort to organize a date. On the other hand, when I iniciate it he's really happy and rarely cancels anything. But the rest of the time he's a loner, a very independent individual. Our friends in common often refer to him as... "oh, him... he's a great guy, but a bit crazy..." I need more social contact than this and more effort on his side, but don't want to come forward as needy since I know that he values his alone time a lot. Since we already talked about it and not much changed (I believe that he doesn't really notice this behavior of his most days), I am not sure how to approach the problem. I believe that it's not unreasonable to expect a little effort on his side, especially since he's the one with an adjustable schedule (I work and study and hardly have any free time, but would gladly find it for him). I've been thorugh a theory that he doesn't really like me that much, but the fact is that the little social contact he does, he does mostly with me. He also told me that, something in lines of "I mostly talk only to you and my best friend". Advice? Maybe it has to do with physics and phd, dunno... 1
todreaminblue Posted January 18, 2015 Posted January 18, 2015 i feel you should just be open and honest with what you need from the relationship he sounds introverted.....He has told you he detaches, and you recognise he is really independent.....what you ask for in effort is not unreasonable...... for a relationship to work effort has to be equal and mutual let him know it is important to you that you do see he is making an effort....if he really doesnt want to make more of an effort maybe you two are not really compatible....if he cares for you truly he will....give and take on both sides.....deb 1
Winterina Posted January 18, 2015 Posted January 18, 2015 (edited) I am an academic (but in law) and my job among other things is to do scientific research... It is a lonely job which needs a lot of focus. Anything can be viewed as distraction. I used to be extrovert and I turned into introvert... nature of my job is a part of it, also some friends that betrayed me in the past, and so on...all that over the years made me much more careful and sticking only to few people rather than mingling in the mass. Good thing is that he is aware that he should socialise more, so apparently he is willing to make an effort. Not everyone has the same dynamics and the need for social interaction. Some people gain energy from the external stimulants and some people from within, when they are alone doing their own thing. Read on having introverted partner on google and see if you can understand him. He seems ok to me from your description. However, if you are seeing him only once a week and you are in the same city that could be indeed too little of a contact. If his introversion is something that is a deal breaker for you, then do not drag the relationship deeper into abyss... because that is where you are heading if you cannot accept some things about him. Edited January 18, 2015 by Winterina
Author Aayla Posted January 18, 2015 Author Posted January 18, 2015 Thank you for your input. @Winterina - Yes, I'm all over the introvert topic, and am aware that this could be a deal breaker. But after giving it a LOT of thought I still don't know id this could partly be a thing of selfishness from his side. I mean, as I said, I also have a pretty busy schedule, but do make time. As an update, I left him alone through the whole weekend, only texted him now to ask about a movie we talked about so I could watch it. Then he willingly gave me a whole report on his weekend although I didn't ask and went all communicating, this is driving me nuts!!
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