siochana Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 All these replies have been amazing, thank you so much. I really appreciate hearing that it will get better, and that there will be someone awaesome for me in the future, as right now all i can feel is pain, i feel like im stuck and that everyone else in the world found someone but i for some reason will miss out. Im 33 and i also worry that maybe ill never get to have children now. My therapist is a little strange. I told her i wanted to be strong enough to have no contact and she told me 'it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world of you did talk to him, maybe met him a few times'. She wants to know what i would do if he wanted to come back to me. I have no idea why she is asking me this, i think he made himself abundantly clear when he said he wouldn't marry me. She had also encouraged me multiple times to go on some casual dates. It feels wrong but she said it would be a useful distraction. This is the second therapist ive tried, as the first told me to 'keep an open mind, you never know what he's thinking' and that i should just 'not be too attached to the outcome'. I've really thrown myself into self help books and I've read 3, one of which has been really helpful in helpinh me put boundaries in place, building assertiveness and assessing the relationship without my rose coloured glasses. But unfortunately i cant talk with the author so im so happy that im gettinv messages of support from all you guys. Hey Mif, lots of good advice here already. Just know that the pain is real, the loss is real, the grief is real. Be easy on yourself, it may take a really long time to recover. perhaps as much as a couple of years. But you will learn heaps and be a fuller person for the experience. Knowledge really is often garnered through immense suffering. Good luck. 1
SycamoreCircle Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 (edited) All these replies have been amazing, thank you so much. I really appreciate hearing that it will get better, and that there will be someone awaesome for me in the future, as right now all i can feel is pain, i feel like im stuck and that everyone else in the world found someone but i for some reason will miss out. Im 33 and i also worry that maybe ill never get to have children now. My therapist is a little strange. I told her i wanted to be strong enough to have no contact and she told me 'it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world of you did talk to him, maybe met him a few times'. She wants to know what i would do if he wanted to come back to me. I have no idea why she is asking me this, i think he made himself abundantly clear when he said he wouldn't marry me. She had also encouraged me multiple times to go on some casual dates. It feels wrong but she said it would be a useful distraction. This is the second therapist ive tried, as the first told me to 'keep an open mind, you never know what he's thinking' and that i should just 'not be too attached to the outcome'. I've really thrown myself into self help books and I've read 3, one of which has been really helpful in helpinh me put boundaries in place, building assertiveness and assessing the relationship without my rose coloured glasses. But unfortunately i cant talk with the author so im so happy that im gettinv messages of support from all you guys. Honestly, I'd ditch those therapists. They sound like they don't know what they're talking about. Here's my recommendations: -Talk to everyone that cares about you. Pour out your soul. Your vulnerability can often strengthen those relationships. -Walk. Take long walks. Walk to places you've never walked to before. -Date yourself. Take yourself out for nice dinners. Don't forget to get gussied up. I mean, you need to impress yourself!:-) -Find someone to help. Helping other people increases your feeling of self-worth. There are always people who have it worse than you. -Spend lots of time on LS. Write your pain, read other people's stories. Learn. -Travel. Take the money you'd blow on those therapists and travel independently to some unusual destination. Mine was Turkey. Met heaps of great people who I shared my story with, learned a little about a different culture, made out with some hot girls and got a great tan! -Know that it's OK to feel however you feel. It's going to be a roller coaster. Some days you'll feel you have it licked. The next day it will act up like arthritis and rain. -Go full blown NC. Read the NC guide, follow it to a T. Also, I found Eastern philosophy to be very helpful, particularly Lao Tzu's Tao Te Ching. Learning to let go of attachments and trusting the course of things relieved my anxiety. Edited January 19, 2015 by SycamoreCircle 1
Cailinsona Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 Everyone posting here has been in your shoes- unfortunately! And you know what? We are still breathing, still alive, even laughing and happy when we never thought we would be again Breakups out of the blue are the worst! It's so difficult when you don't see it coming and don't have the time to process what is about to happen. You feel like you're in so much pain you just want to feel nothing at all, but you have to go through it. There are no shortcuts. It will take as long as it takes. Be kind to yourself. Have very low expectations of yourself. If you manage to go for a walk, talk to someone without crying, get out of bed when every part of you wants to stay in it...count every tiny achievement as a victory. Slowly, very slowly, these tiny victories will add up until one day you will have a whole day where you feel happy and then a week and so on.... We are with you every step of the way....((hugs)) 2
ballycastle Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 If you have lost the ability to walk and someone who is revalidating from the same is telling you that you CAN walk again, than that is meant as a motivation. The other knows how much it hurts and what an enormous amount of work it takes, even though we all are different and have to struggle on on our own to get there. Lots of strength to you Mif, it CAN get better. I hear what you're saying and we are all here to motivate, but I guess it's the journey (help you find yourself again) rather than the predicted outcome (you will love again). Chances are she will, maybe I feel so low that I don't think I ever will. 1
Itspointless Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 I hear what you're saying and we are all here to motivate, but I guess it's the journey (help you find yourself again) rather than the predicted outcome (you will love again). Chances are she will, maybe I feel so low that I don't think I ever will. I understand what you say. It is indeed hard as other people can comfort us (if we are lucky to have good people around us), but in the end of the day we still are alone with our feelings and thoughts. It is hard because it is so uncontrollable. We are used to say that time is our friend, but it is the other way around: we have to sit it out. It is one of the hardest things I know (there are also other things) as we only can control how to react to our feelings. Time makes things flatter, but some things we just have became used to. The good thing is that time also has the ability to make us enjoy those memories again as it was worth for what it was and what it gave us at those moments.
ballycastle Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 I understand what you say. It is indeed hard as other people can comfort us (if we are lucky to have good people around us), but in the end of the day we still are alone with our feelings and thoughts. It is hard because it is so uncontrollable. We are used to say that time is our friend, but it is the other way around: we have to sit it out. It is one of the hardest things I know (there are also other things) as we only can control how to react to our feelings. Time makes things flatter, but some things we just have became used to. The good thing is that time also has the ability to make us enjoy those memories again as it was worth for what it was and what it gave us at those moments. Hi itspointless thanks for your kind words they were just what I needed. Sometimes it feels you're the only one, even with LS! You're right when your life has been changed unexpectedly by those you love there is no amount of pain and rejection you go through and it is indeed very lonely. Let's here it for us onward on our journey of self peace x 1
Author Mif Posted January 20, 2015 Author Posted January 20, 2015 OP, most likely he met someone else. Gosh. Please don't say that. I don't believe it's true as he is quite introverted and i just don't think he would do that. He was single for 2 years between me and his last girlfriend. I just don't think that it's true or that he would have looked at another girl while he was with me. And the thought of it just makes me feel 100% worse. I've followed my therapist's advice and I've signed up to an internet dating site. I feel like I'm cheating. Even though I know I am not. I expect I'll just meet a few people and not take it anywhere, but it will be nice to meet people anyway. I was doing ok this morning, then suddenly about 2 hours ago anxiety hit me hard and fast. I've fallen back into acopic mode. But I guess at least I got a few hours of work completed first which is a small achievement. I'm so lucky i have a supportive boss. He's coming up to help me with one of my projects this afternoon (which I would usually need no help with at all)...
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