Gaeta Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 Do not write her anything. I would give her 3 dates, no more. If nothing escalates in those 3 dates I would move along. And how long does she need to play friends before considering it romantically! 3 months? 6 months? This is not high school anymore and who has that amount of time to invest in someone with no returns! Each time I told a man 'we can be friends first' it was because I had a more interesting case in the work or he was not really what I was looking for, and I have never refused a peck on the lips from a man I had spent 4 + hours with and I felt common attraction.
newlyborn Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 friends first is how you will get close to her. point blank. some people are like that. i have never felt that spending time with someone for the first time entitled them to touch me, kiss me, emotionally spill all over me. and i am sure that many other women feel the same. it is fine to try to figure out dating etiquette, but to completely overlook other people's stated preferences doesn't seem right to me. nothing is owed to a stranger simply because he finds you attractive. OP, do you like this woman enough to get to know her a bit, or do you just want a girlfriend and any cute woman will do?
M_Theory Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 friends first is how you will get close to her. point blank. some people are like that. i have never felt that spending time with someone for the first time entitled them to touch me, kiss me, emotionally spill all over me. NOBODY said that! I hate when people exaggerate situations to garner support for their side of the argument. We are talking about "friends first" over a duration of time. The no-kiss has nothing to do with it. Even when people are interested in dating they sometimes dont kiss upon first meeting. I'm still not getting any resolution from the ladies on here. I'd like to know how this is supposed to work out in case I'm ever in a situation like the OP. -if a guy is in a friends first situation....is he supposed to ASK permission down the road if its OK to kiss her now? -Is he supposed to ask how many platonic dates do we go on until I qualify for physical contact? -Is he supposed to wait for her to take the lead with phyisical contact? If a woman says "friends first" she better be the worlds best communicator, because she just put her and the guy into a massive conundrum of red tape. 1
Author CalvinM Posted January 19, 2015 Author Posted January 19, 2015 She just messaged to cancel the date. Said she had fun, but wasn't feeling it anyway. I'm honestly not shocked or bothered by it. I actually expected it.
newlyborn Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 NOBODY said that! I hate when people exaggerate situations to garner support for their side of the argument. We are talking about "friends first" over a duration of time. The no-kiss has nothing to do with it. Even when people are interested in dating they sometimes dont kiss upon first meeting. I'm still not getting any resolution from the ladies on here. I'd like to know how this is supposed to work out in case I'm ever in a situation like the OP. -if a guy is in a friends first situation....is he supposed to ASK permission down the road if its OK to kiss her now? -Is he supposed to ask how many platonic dates do we go on until I qualify for physical contact? -Is he supposed to wait for her to take the lead with phyisical contact? If a woman says "friends first" she better be the worlds best communicator, because she just put her and the guy into a massive conundrum of red tape. hmmm. didn't OP say in his initial post that they went out for drinks and she resisted the kiss afterward and said friends first? i may have misread, but it didn't sound like they had even gone on one proper date?
Author CalvinM Posted January 19, 2015 Author Posted January 19, 2015 friends first is how you will get close to her. point blank. some people are like that. i have never felt that spending time with someone for the first time entitled them to touch me, kiss me, emotionally spill all over me. and i am sure that many other women feel the same. it is fine to try to figure out dating etiquette, but to completely overlook other people's stated preferences doesn't seem right to me. nothing is owed to a stranger simply because he finds you attractive. OP, do you like this woman enough to get to know her a bit, or do you just want a girlfriend and any cute woman will do? I had fun hanging out with her, but as an earlier poster said, it's odd to act interested and then play the friends card. Without any prying, I got my answer.
M_Theory Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 hmmm. didn't OP say in his initial post that they went out for drinks and she resisted the kiss afterward and said friends first? i may have misread, but it didn't sound like they had even gone on one proper date? As I said before...even when people are interested in each other, they sometimes dont kiss right off the bat. I'm one of those people, and theres plenty more on here. As far as a "proper date"...thats a whole new can of worms that can be debated for eternity.
newlyborn Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 I had fun hanging out with her, but as an earlier poster said, it's odd to act interested and then play the friends card. Without any prying, I got my answer. oh. i'm sorry to hear that, OP.
Author CalvinM Posted January 19, 2015 Author Posted January 19, 2015 I'm not new to dating, but every time I date, women seem to find a new way to throw me for a loop. She asked me to walk with her, asked if I was free Friday, suggested a specific day and activity. That's pretty good intel, so the friends thing was a red flag. Online dating makes me feel like a serial dater, but that's just the way it goes, I guess.
JuneJulySeptember Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 I'm not new to dating, but every time I date, women seem to find a new way to throw me for a loop. She asked me to walk with her, asked if I was free Friday, suggested a specific day and activity. That's pretty good intel, so the friends thing was a red flag. Online dating makes me feel like a serial dater, but that's just the way it goes, I guess. After 20+ years of dating (or attempting to), the only way a woman throws me for a loop is if she likes me. I'm not trying to put myself down either. It never ceases to shock me when it happens, no matter what the signs. Because I've gotten all of the positive signs you can ever imagine and it has been rejection. So, you know, I'm with you. 2
Gaeta Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 She just messaged to cancel the date. Said she had fun, but wasn't feeling it anyway. I'm honestly not shocked or bothered by it. I actually expected it. I am very sorry. Don't get discouraged, it won't work till the day it does. When you meet that special someone you will know she was worth the wait those disappointments.
Leigh 87 Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 Me and my bf are 37 and we were "friends" before we got serious even after we met for a while best thing ive ever done as he genuinely is my best friend and vice verse there was no "playing friends" just two adults forming a solid foundation and now the relashionship is stable and quite happy I guess some do use that as a random excuse line but a lot do not why would you want to push a romantic relashionship with a stranger? Because if there is enough fire works and chemistry present and it's mutual ... perfect strangers want to date. They can still get to know one another slowly but they want to make out sometimes. .they want to to hold hands while they get to know one another. When there's low chemistry or sparks from the first date it's possible to be friends first. . But yeah these friendship based relationships don't ever hav the same ssizzle in the bedroom when compared to the instant attraction based relationships where you don't have to create your own chemistry from nothing. I prefer to get to know a guy but with plenty of sparks and hand holding and dates in the meanwhile.
WonderKid Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 And OLDing makes it no better. No matter the profile, it's all about the pictures. A woman looks (she could even be a Christian) and her first thought will be: can I imagine myself ****ing him. If not, you'll get ignored or in real life cases, just be friends.
rester Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 Sorry to hear it didn't work out, OP. I'm with Gaeta and M Theory. "Taking it slow" is one thing, but saying to a man you just had a date with that you want to be "friends first" is very off-putting. It has nothing to do with not wanting to kiss on the first date...plenty of people, myself included, are fine with that. At the same time, I believe you can BE friends first, if you start off as truly friends. I've seen it happen. But that scenario is much different than meeting someone and immediately stating that you want to be "friends first" to see where things go. In my experience, and shown here in this thread as well, things are likely going nowhere. 2
BeholdtheMan Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 She just messaged to cancel the date. Said she had fun, but wasn't feeling it anyway. I'm honestly not shocked or bothered by it. I actually expected it. Occam's Razor my friend... If a woman doesn't show much attraction, she probably isn't that attracted. Simplest explanation is the likeliest
Diezel Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 The "friend's first" thing only ever works if it was unintentional from the beginning. 1
TigerLilly78 Posted January 21, 2015 Posted January 21, 2015 I had fun hanging out with her, but as an earlier poster said, it's odd to act interested and then play the friends card. Without any prying, I got my answer. Not really she said she wanted "friends first" in her profile to me thats pretty cut and dry she was going off of what she said maybe you were hopening she would be so blown away by you that she would go back on that? Im sorry that didn't happen but at least she was honest going into it sadly she wasn't interested in even friends it happens onward and upward my advice dont date a women who says that in her profile cause clearly you two wouldn't be on the same page from the get go and thats never good.. Because if there is enough fire works and chemistry present and it's mutual ... perfect strangers want to date. They can still get to know one another slowly but they want to make out sometimes. .they want to to hold hands while they get to know one another. When there's low chemistry or sparks from the first date it's possible to be friends first. . But yeah these friendship based relationships don't ever hav the same ssizzle in the bedroom when compared to the instant attraction based relationships where you don't have to create your own chemistry from nothing. I prefer to get to know a guy but with plenty of sparks and hand holding and dates in the meanwhile. Thanks for discounting my relashionship because it doesn't fit your mold of how things work Leigh tbh im not surprised.. There was mutual interest we took things slow because we both wanted to we wanted to get to know each other IRl..Gosh gee not every one needs to suck face and jump in the sack on the 1st date for there to be lasting "sizzle" were doing just fine in that department and we waited image that..lmao
Superman2024 Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 Too bad things didn't work out for you. I just went on a first date with a woman who said she believes in being friends first too. The date went well and I hugged her at the end. If I manage to get a second date and it goes well, I'm thinking of doing a hug and a kiss on the cheek. That should help keep me out of the friend zone without her thinking I'm going too far. It'd happen quick too so it'd be hard to pull away from and would test things out. That's my theory at least
Ruby Slippers Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 Sorry it didn't work out, but at least it happened before you got too invested, so any injury should be minimal. I've been dating now and then for the past year and feel like I'm just starting to get closer to a good match. No boyfriend yet, but potential boyfriends are beginning to emerge! Dating can be a bit of a rollercoaster - nerve-wracking but fun
Antares Posted January 23, 2015 Posted January 23, 2015 I've run into this issue a few times in the past, especially with OLD. On one hand, I think friendships that turn into relationships can lead to really great romances. Getting to know someone slowly and suddenly having romance blossom can result in a great experience. But...and the large BUT here...any time a girl has said to me, "let's be friends first", that girl has never had any interest in me romantically. Not then, while she's saying that line to me on our first date, and not 3, 5, 7 months down line after hanging out as 'friends-first'. And honestly, in those first few instances where I went along with it, it turned out that they really didn't want to be friends anyway. We'd hang out a few more times - to go the movies, walk around, dinner, drinks - friendly stuff right, and then one day they'd disappear and I'd never hear from them again. After experiencing that one or two times, I learned very quickly that our interests are probably just not gonna match and it's either better to cut your losses, or if you are okay with really being friends-and-never-romantic, and probably not even really friends either, proceed. To me, the friends first ideal is something that happens when you're young. When you can share class with someone, see them in the halls, or with other friends. Unfortunately, that just really can't happen in later adult life. It's way far harder to proceed that way, when you have your own friends, jobs, groups, families, etc and very little extra time. Anytime that I go on a OLD first date, and I'm feeling it and find myself in any way attracted to the girl, I go for the kiss. This isn't done just haphazardly and awkwardly at the end of the night, I really try to build that up. Even if she dodges, I mainly do it for one primary reason; to establish that I'm pursuing her romantically, and not in a friendship manner. I want her to know my intentions clearly. And want to see if there's a spark in that kiss. I want to her to feel a connection. If she dodges, well then I know her intentions too; she didn't feel a connection. That might build in a second date, but I think the odds become less in our favor with each passing moment/date. The 'let's be friends first' is a copout. It's a noncommittal safety-zone. I think there may be some genuine need from the girl to be friends first, and they may even have the friends-to-romance ideal in their hearts, and really want that to play out, it makes for a great story...but...I think they do it just so there's absolutely no expectations that she's going on a real date with you. That's really nice safe place to be in, right? She can go out with you all she wants and then disappear because you guys really weren't dating to begin with. Or when, after 5 'hang-outs' you lean in for a kiss, she can dodge and say..."hey I told you, we're just friends, what's your deal? We can't hang out anymore! Goodbye" Any time I see a profile that says "we need to be friends first" I proceed with a lot of caution. To me, that means she's already throwing up road blocks and hurdles (for me and for herself) that I'm gonna have to jump over and pass with flying colors. The best OLD relationships that I've had, have started with that first kiss on that first date. 1
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