TigerLilly78 Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 Well If he is really attracted to her why should he accept "friends first?" Any man who is honest with himself would take off. A 32 year old should know better Not true any man who likes a women enough to want a serious relashionship will wait until she feels comfortable. Im not saying she should make the guy wait years but nothing wrong with taking things slow. and yes even at 30s and older just cause we age doesn't mean we need to jump into something for fear of croaking before getting Mr right..lol 1
BeholdtheMan Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 She wouldn't refuse a kiss if she were sufficiently attracted. Elementary my dear Watson Look, I might be able to understand not wanting to rush sex...but refusing even a kiss? Bad sign OP. I'd advise moving on. 2
Jame22 Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 You have clearly missed my point.... I get the fact that he invited you over to his place after the first date but that point isn't relevant to the OP.
Jame22 Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 (edited) Not true any man who likes a women enough to want a serious relashionship will wait until she feels comfortable. Im not saying she should make the guy wait years but nothing wrong with taking things slow. and yes even at 30s and older just cause we age doesn't mean we need to jump into something for fear of croaking before getting Mr right..lol Yeah, maybe wait a month or two for sex. But when she throws the F word out there It changes the game. I'd be out of there pretty fast even If I thought there was a chance that I'd grow to like her. Edited January 19, 2015 by Jame22
thecrucible Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 I see both sides, but I think she's going about it wrong. It's okay to not have sex right away and hold the line there, but it's not fair to ask someone to just be friends first and expect them to just be happy about that. You can be romantic and affectionate without having intercourse and taking risks like that. She may have not meant it quite that way either and may have communicated it badly. If she is just saying no to sex but not affection, that's fine. No one has to pony up intercourse right away. But if she's but off affection and banned that, there really is little hope. I agree with this. You have only just met and she might just want to get more comfortable so it doesn't feel too much too soon. I'm like that, honestly. It isn't because I'm playing games - I just like to get to know people slowly and build it up over time if they are just a stranger to me at first. I don't want to make things clinical, I just want it to feel genuine and not whirlwind like someone said. Some guy may not like that but I try and make him aware that I do really like him and I tell him that I like him and enjoy kissing him...I will continue to respond to his physical moves and make moves on him as well. I will just hope at the same time that we'll share interests and form an emotional attachment over time. Like Gaeta, I am actually put off slightly by her referring to you as a friend. If I really like a guy but just want to take it slowly, the word 'friend' will not come out of my mouth as I don't want to lose the guy forever. If I'm feeling lukewarm, I might ask to be friends so I can feel him out a bit more before finally bailing. I don't do this so much now actually as I feel I'm wasting the guy's time. We don't know what she means. You need to keep showing her interest and make physical moves to see how she responds. I think you shouldn't take what she says as gospel. Don't actually treat her like a friend. Make physical moves on your next date so you can test the waters about what she means. She might be thinking the way I do and have a poor way of phrasing it. Or she might not really fancy you. Physical chemistry or lack thereof will reveal your answer. 2
Redhead14 Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 I went out for beers with a really cute 32 year old I met off pof. For the first time near the end of our first date she asked me out. We had a really good time, but at the end of the date when I walked her home and went in for the good night kiss, she pulled away and said "I'd like for us to see each other and be friends first. All of my relationships seem to start and stop and I'd like to have a solid foundation before rushing into things." Keep in mind, she did ask me out for a specific day (she wants to go skating). Did I do something to jeopardize the date or was she serious about wanting to be friends first? I don't think you did anything wrong except perhaps misread her a little. She simply wasn't open to a first kiss at that point. Unless she gives you a sign that she wants that, I'd leave it alone especially on a first date. After you've dated a her a few times and you feel she does like you but is maybe inexperienced or shy, then you should initiate that and then gauge her response. She did initiate the first date, so now wait for her a little to initiate a first kiss. And bear in mind, that all dating scenarios start out as being friends. How could it be more than that in the beginning? She wants to get to know you better apparently and not rush things. That's a good thing. Let it develop naturally.
Author CalvinM Posted January 19, 2015 Author Posted January 19, 2015 This is from her profile. "Ultimately I am looking for a bond, spark, friendship, that has potential to last. I would expect that my partner also be down to earth, loyal and honest. Non judgmental is also a must. Nothing is more attractive than an open mind, it shows confidence and security. If you think we may have some things in common and you are at a place in your own life that you are seeking a relationship send me a message"
Redhead14 Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 This is from her profile. "Ultimately I am looking for a bond, spark, friendship, that has potential to last. I would expect that my partner also be down to earth, loyal and honest. Non judgmental is also a must. Nothing is more attractive than an open mind, it shows confidence and security. If you think we may have some things in common and you are at a place in your own life that you are seeking a relationship send me a message" This is a very nebulous statement, almost contradictory. I would say, you need to have a general conversation about what you each are looking for from your dating experiences and make sure you are on the same page.
WomenWubber Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 Best case scenario is that she's attracted to you, but she's holding back to see if you two have things in common and can get along as partners. A (more likely) bad case scenario is that she doesn't feel that spark with you, but still wants to see if you can be friends first and maybe then use that as a foundation for a relationship. If that doesn't work, hopefully you'll still be her friend.
JuneJulySeptember Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 I went out for beers with a really cute 32 year old I met off pof. For the first time near the end of our first date she asked me out. We had a really good time, but at the end of the date when I walked her home and went in for the good night kiss, she pulled away and said "I'd like for us to see each other and be friends first. All of my relationships seem to start and stop and I'd like to have a solid foundation before rushing into things." Keep in mind, she did ask me out for a specific day (she wants to go skating). Did I do something to jeopardize the date or was she serious about wanting to be friends first? Sounds like a 'maybe' woman. It's not a bad thing as most women reject way before the point you've gotten to. If I were in your shoes, I'd keep chasing her for a bit until I got the final no.
M_Theory Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 (edited) This is from her profile. "Ultimately I am looking for a bond, spark, friendship, that has potential to last. I would expect that my partner also be down to earth, loyal and honest. Non judgmental is also a must. Nothing is more attractive than an open mind, it shows confidence and security. If you think we may have some things in common and you are at a place in your own life that you are seeking a relationship send me a message" This is a very nebulous statement, almost contradictory. I would say, you need to have a general conversation about what you each are looking for from your dating experiences and make sure you are on the same page. This shouldnt be a shock to anyone nowadays. 99% of women on dating sites live in this grey area. They carefully pick words and phrases that allow them to walk a tight rope, so you cant pin anything on them. More classic examples..... -"I like to go out but I'm the type of woman that can stay in and cuddle as well". -"I like to have fun and get dirty, but I can dress up and look good too" The "friends first" concept allows the woman to meet you, assess you, and keep you on the back burner while she juggles other men, or tries to figure out what she wants. The phrase "taking things slow" in my opinion is totally different than "friends first". I think if a woman says lets take things slow, that typically means shes interested, but doesnt want to rush in to things. If a woman says friends first, than I take that as shes either got issues shes sorting out, is juggling men, or maybe likes to have some control. I have seen many profiles where a woman wrote she wanted to be friends first, and my question to them is.... "If a guy is friends first with you, how does he know when its OK to take that next step and make it physical?" Of course most women never answer it, but the few that did gave a generic reply..."He'll know when the time is right" Obviously those women read too many Harlequin romance novels. I dont think women realize how the friends first situation puts guys into awkward setting. How is the guy supposed to be a "guy" and show that he likes her by just being a friend? I'm not talking about sex, I'm simply talking about being physical. I'm going to be more touchy feely and interact with a woman I like totally different than a woman I am strictly friends with. Then you also risk the chance of the woman waiting for you to make the move, and make the transition. You are being good and following the friends first rules, and shes sitting there now wondering why you arent making a move. Its just a cluster f**k of bullsh*t that most men want nothing to do with. Edited January 19, 2015 by M_Theory
lovexocoach Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 She's interested in you so that's a good sign. Sounds like it was too early for the kiss and she might have had a bad experience in a previous relationship - which is why she wants to be "friends" first. Nothing wrong with that but you'll have to show her that you're worth getting to know romantically too. Woo her slowly and don't overwhelm her with romantic gestures.
M_Theory Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 (edited) Woo her slowly and don't overwhelm her with romantic gestures. Please explain how to Woo a woman that is just a friend?? When a woman says "friends first" that doesnt mean she gets all the affection, wooing, and all that other stuff! Friends means friends in my book. But I'm sure most women think friends means all the perks of dating without physical contact. Edited January 19, 2015 by M_Theory
TigerLilly78 Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 This shouldnt be a shock to anyone nowadays. 99% of women on dating sites live in this grey area. They carefully pick words and phrases that allow them to walk a tight rope, so you cant pin anything on them. More classic examples..... -"I like to go out but I'm the type of woman that can stay in and cuddle as well". -"I like to have fun and get dirty, but I can dress up and look good too" The "friends first" concept allows the woman to meet you, assess you, and keep you on the back burner while she juggles other men, or tries to figure out what she wants. The phrase "taking things slow" in my opinion is totally different than "friends first". I think if a woman says lets take things slow, that typically means shes interested, but doesnt want to rush in to things. If a woman says friends first, than I take that as shes either got issues shes sorting out, is juggling men, or maybe likes to have some control. I have seen many profiles where a woman wrote she wanted to be friends first, and my question to them is.... "If a guy is friends first with you, how does he know when its OK to take that next step and make it physical?" Of course most women never answer it, but the few that did gave a generic reply..."He'll know when the time is right" Obviously those women read too many Harlequin romance novels. I dont think women realize how the friends first situation puts guys into awkward setting. How is the guy supposed to be a "guy" and show that he likes her by just being a friend? I'm not talking about sex, I'm simply talking about being physical. I'm going to be more touchy feely and interact with a woman I like totally different than a woman I am strictly friends with. Then you also risk the chance of the woman waiting for you to make the move, and make the transition. You are being good and following the friends first rules, and shes sitting there now wondering why you arent making a move. Its just a cluster f**k of bullsh*t that most men want nothing to do with. Oh please kinda like the bull**** that some men will pull in order to get laid? saying one thing and doing another? I think its a pretty clear situation they want to be friends before the relashionship starts its pretty clear cut what the women said in her profile and when the OP went out with her he agreed to this. The fact she didn't want a kiss on the 1st date means nothing and alot are reading more into it then is really there I think. I wouldn't kiss a random stranger ether but then again alot would sleep with one now a days so this is a super slow mentality I guess..
M_Theory Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 I totally agree with the no kissing! I never kiss on first meeting either. But kissing isnt the point, its the friends first label that so many women are throwing around nowadays.
Author CalvinM Posted January 19, 2015 Author Posted January 19, 2015 Is it too early to message her something along the lines of "I just wanted to make sure we're on the same page here. I don't mind building a friendship, but I want to make it clear that I'm interesting in a relationship, not a platonic activity partner." She made a point of saying that a previous date was boring and that the walk to where they were going was so mundane, she almost called the date off. In our case, the date lasted over four hours and she asked me to walk with her/asked me if I had plans on Friday (her only day off this week). I don't want to come on too strong, but also don't want to end up in the proverbial friendzone.
M_Theory Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 Is it too early to message her something along the lines of "I just wanted to make sure we're on the same page here. I don't mind building a friendship, but I want to make it clear that I'm interesting in a relationship, not a platonic activity partner." She made a point of saying that a previous date was boring and that the walk to where they were going was so mundane, she almost called the date off. In our case, the date lasted over four hours and she asked me to walk with her/asked me if I had plans on Friday (her only day off this week). I don't want to come on too strong, but also don't want to end up in the proverbial friendzone. I think good, open communication is always best. BUT...some women see it as a sign of weakness when a guy needs to "clarify" a situation. I guess they assume you arent a "man" if you cant decipher whats going on. Some women ge turned off if they have to explain things to the guy.
Author CalvinM Posted January 19, 2015 Author Posted January 19, 2015 No matter how I phrase it in my head, it comes off sounding presumptions and wordy. If anyone has a better idea, I'm all ears, but I'm just going to go with the flow and see how things progress on Friday.
JuneJulySeptember Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 Is it too early to message her something along the lines of "I just wanted to make sure we're on the same page here. I don't mind building a friendship, but I want to make it clear that I'm interesting in a relationship, not a platonic activity partner." She made a point of saying that a previous date was boring and that the walk to where they were going was so mundane, she almost called the date off. In our case, the date lasted over four hours and she asked me to walk with her/asked me if I had plans on Friday (her only day off this week). I don't want to come on too strong, but also don't want to end up in the proverbial friendzone. To me, there is not a whole lot of difference between friends and lovers. To some people, it's distinction is the whole basis of dating. You're basically asking what kind of woman she is, and nobody knows the answer. As far as not wanting to come on too strong: 1) Whatever strategy you use, it will be right with one woman and wrong with another, so you just have to guess and go with it. 2) If she cuts you loose it's her loss. Who gives a sh@t? You don't really know her anyway. 1
Elias33 Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 Most importantly, do what you are comfortable with. If you're having reservations about the "friends first" thing, it's best to just move along. You're after a relationship that surpasses platonic friendships, so it's perfectly reasonable to walk the other way. If you are open to friends first, make sure you have a good time, and expect nothing of it. There will be people on both sides of the fence on this. If you take this route, beware of the friend-zone! Good luck to you sir.
Author CalvinM Posted January 19, 2015 Author Posted January 19, 2015 I was thinking maybe something along the lines of this, actually. Straight and to the point. "Hey, I think the friends thing threw me off a little. I haven't dated in a while, so I'm hoping this isn't just a platonic thing."
M_Theory Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 1) Whatever strategy you use, it will be right with one woman and wrong with another Couldnt agree more!!!!!
WonderKid Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 She has other options. Anytime a girl says that a date was boring I think its pretty self explanatory there. In the "nice guy" log, there's only 2 types of friends you can be: GF/BF or FWB. Because if you don't clarify that, then she'll clearly clarify you as just a friend.
JuneJulySeptember Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 I was thinking maybe something along the lines of this, actually. Straight and to the point. "Hey, I think the friends thing threw me off a little. I haven't dated in a while, so I'm hoping this isn't just a platonic thing." Personally, I wouldn't do that. Sounds like she's a 'maybe' woman at the 'show me' stage. Essentially, I believe she is not attracted to you, but giving you a chance. When you force the hand of a 'maybe' woman, the answer will be no. I would try and go out and show her an exciting good time, and maybe something will spark her and then go for a kiss again. If after that, the answer is still no, then you're like, "I gave it my best shot, next batter!" Or maybe try one more time. Depends how much you like her. Either way, you have to decide to cut line at some point. I've seen guys chase women who give them 'the just friends bit' for 10 years. 2
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