CalvinM Posted January 18, 2015 Posted January 18, 2015 I went out for beers with a really cute 32 year old I met off pof. For the first time near the end of our first date she asked me out. We had a really good time, but at the end of the date when I walked her home and went in for the good night kiss, she pulled away and said "I'd like for us to see each other and be friends first. All of my relationships seem to start and stop and I'd like to have a solid foundation before rushing into things." Keep in mind, she did ask me out for a specific day (she wants to go skating). Did I do something to jeopardize the date or was she serious about wanting to be friends first?
FitChick Posted January 18, 2015 Posted January 18, 2015 When you see her for skating, you have a perfect excuse to touch her -- to maintain your or her balance on the ice or to do some sort of pair skating. At the end of the date, give her a big hug and tell her she smells nice (if she is wearing perfume). Then ask her for another date, having something in mind already unless you both really like skating. Each time you see her you can escalate the nonsexual touching so she gets used to it. Then on one date give her a quick kiss on the mouth and walk away, "I'll call you tomorrow" or whatever. You have to leave her wanting more, not dreading more. At some point if she likes you, she will initiate or at the very least reciprocate the touching. 3
Van AZN Posted January 18, 2015 Posted January 18, 2015 I agree with FitChick. See what happens on the skate date, use skin-ship but in a natural way and see how things develop. The girl's response of "not rushing things" could be a self-defense, or results from trauma, or just wanting to play hard to get. Either case, go at her pace and see how the next date goes. Holding hands, shoulder nudge, long hugs, those are all signs of affection that let you know that you two are headed into a more intimate relationship. Good luck!
WonderKid Posted January 18, 2015 Posted January 18, 2015 There's nothing wrong with what she said. Just respect it. Be friends but eventually let her know that you don't want to be friends forever. Let her feel you out on this one. It's not like she rejected you. And people aren't cyborgs, past relationships can still have affects here and there. Just give it time.
Author CalvinM Posted January 18, 2015 Author Posted January 18, 2015 I touched her shoulder when I came back from the washroom and she was receptive to the hug at the end of date, so I guess that makes sense.
LookAtThisPOst Posted January 18, 2015 Posted January 18, 2015 I went out for beers with a really cute 32 year old I met off pof. For the first time near the end of our first date she asked me out. We had a really good time, but at the end of the date when I walked her home and went in for the good night kiss, she pulled away and said "I'd like for us to see each other and be friends first. All of my relationships seem to start and stop and I'd like to have a solid foundation before rushing into things." Keep in mind, she did ask me out for a specific day (she wants to go skating). Did I do something to jeopardize the date or was she serious about wanting to be friends first? Yeah, some women aren't keen on whirlwind romances...thus the starting of a relationship based off of friendship.
DivorcedDad123 Posted January 18, 2015 Posted January 18, 2015 I went out with a woman that said this....once! I have plenty of friends.
Gaeta Posted January 18, 2015 Posted January 18, 2015 I don't beleive in this 'I want to be friends first' to me it's the same as 'you're ok but you are not my first choice and I am keeping my options open'. If I am ever offered friendship first I answer like poster above and say Thank you but I have enough friends.
LookAtThisPOst Posted January 18, 2015 Posted January 18, 2015 I don't beleive in this 'I want to be friends first' to me it's the same as 'you're ok but you are not my first choice and I am keeping my options open'. If I am ever offered friendship first I answer like poster above and say Thank you but I have enough friends. Gaeta, actually, you pretty much have to take it on a case-by-base basis. You can't just automatically assume this. 2
Gaeta Posted January 18, 2015 Posted January 18, 2015 Gaeta, actually, you pretty much have to take it on a case-by-base basis. You can't just automatically assume this. If the girl he is talking about were lets say 22 years old my answer would have been different but we are talking about a 32 year old woman here. She has a bit of experience in relationships and dating, she can tell when she is attracted toward a man in that way or not. She is not a teenager, she does not need to play 'friends'. That is my opinion based on my very long experience with dating.
TigerLilly78 Posted January 18, 2015 Posted January 18, 2015 If the girl he is talking about were lets say 22 years old my answer would have been different but we are talking about a 32 year old woman here. She has a bit of experience in relationships and dating, she can tell when she is attracted toward a man in that way or not. She is not a teenager, she does not need to play 'friends'. That is my opinion based on my very long experience with dating. Me and my bf are 37 and we were "friends" before we got serious even after we met for a while best thing ive ever done as he genuinely is my best friend and vice verse there was no "playing friends" just two adults forming a solid foundation and now the relashionship is stable and quite happy I guess some do use that as a random excuse line but a lot do not why would you want to push a romantic relashionship with a stranger?
Gaeta Posted January 18, 2015 Posted January 18, 2015 why would you want to push a romantic relashionship with a stranger? When I meet a man for a possible romance I don't want to be treated like a 'friend'. I want to be treated like a special lady, yes I want him and I to take time to get to know each other BUT I want to be romanced a little, I want to hold hands, I want to be kissed with his arms around me, I want to hear how he likes my smiles and how he can't wait to see me again. All that good stuff is called NRE (new relationship energy) and you don't get to experience this if you push each other in the friendzone. If someone ask you to be friends first it is being friendzoned.
LookAtThisPOst Posted January 18, 2015 Posted January 18, 2015 When I meet a man for a possible romance I don't want to be treated like a 'friend'. I want to be treated like a special lady, yes I want him and I to take time to get to know each other BUT I want to be romanced a little, I want to hold hands, I want to be kissed with his arms around me, I want to hear how he likes my smiles and how he can't wait to see me again. All that good stuff is called NRE (new relationship energy) and you don't get to experience this if you push each other in the friendzone. If someone ask you to be friends first it is being friendzoned. Meh, sounds scripted or forced. Seems you don't want to let things to happen organically.
Gaeta Posted January 18, 2015 Posted January 18, 2015 Meh, sounds scripted or forced. Seems you don't want to let things to happen organically. I am 49 years old, I don't have time for 'organic', one day I will wake up and all that cuteness will be gone lol. Seriously, I am old enough to know what I want, and to know if I like someone when I see him. If the man is not on the same page as me then I am not wasting my time. I am not saying my way is the way, I am just saying this is my opinion and my experience.
TigerLilly78 Posted January 18, 2015 Posted January 18, 2015 When I meet a man for a possible romance I don't want to be treated like a 'friend'. I want to be treated like a special lady, yes I want him and I to take time to get to know each other BUT I want to be romanced a little, I want to hold hands, I want to be kissed with his arms around me, I want to hear how he likes my smiles and how he can't wait to see me again. All that good stuff is called NRE (new relationship energy) and you don't get to experience this if you push each other in the friendzone. If someone ask you to be friends first it is being friendzoned. I see your point but not always if it was "always" then why did we get together romantically after being friends first? maybe its the time frame if the friendship drags on and on when the intention in the first place was dating I guess for some that could get annoying but some friendship in start isn't a bad thing imo anyways..I dont know ive tried it both ways and this way has worked far better then just jumping in head first those relationships fizzled quick..
Gaeta Posted January 18, 2015 Posted January 18, 2015 I see your point but not always if it was "always" then why did we get together romantically after being friends first? How long were you friends before it turned romantic? And was this a long time friend that you suddenly found romantically interesting in or it was the same type of situation as OP, you met and decided to be friends first?
LookAtThisPOst Posted January 18, 2015 Posted January 18, 2015 I see your point but not always if it was "always" then why did we get together romantically after being friends first? maybe its the time frame if the friendship drags on and on when the intention in the first place was dating I guess for some that could get annoying but some friendship in start isn't a bad thing imo anyways..I dont know ive tried it both ways and this way has worked far better then just jumping in head first those relationships fizzled quick.. I recently started seeing a woman that is 51, attractive and mentioned she really wants to start off as friends herself. and even as a man, I agreed....as we had dealt with the dilemma of rushed or "whirlwind" relationships. One thing about our situation is that she did mention that she IS attracted to me, regardless. That's the difference.
TigerLilly78 Posted January 18, 2015 Posted January 18, 2015 How long were you friends before it turned romantic? And was this a long time friend that you suddenly found romantically interesting in or it was the same type of situation as OP, you met and decided to be friends first? We had met on line and talked for a year before I moved back to the usa then we met irl lived together for a few months as platonic friends then things developed into more from there there was always talk about it possibility happening and we did like each other just things weren't rushed we didn't even kiss for a few month's after we met irl.. I recently started seeing a woman that is 51, attractive and mentioned she really wants to start off as friends herself. and even as a man, I agreed....as we had dealt with the dilemma of rushed or "whirlwind" relationships. One thing about our situation is that she did mention that she IS attracted to me, regardless. That's the difference. Well yes some level of communication is needed agreed it sounds like the ops date did make it clear shes intrested she just not pushing things thats how it came off to me anyways..
preraph Posted January 18, 2015 Posted January 18, 2015 You'll end up in the friendzone if you don't keep touching her and treating her like a date and not a buddy. You can become friends and still be snogging at the same time. She is probably just trying something since how she's been doing hasn't worked. Don't insist on sex, but don't stop holding hands, putting arm around shoulders, and I don't see why a goodnight kiss is a big issue to her. 2
Maleficent Posted January 18, 2015 Posted January 18, 2015 I did something similar just last week. I'm 33 and feeling exactly like the woman in OP. It gets tiring and the only way to avoid that is to make sure the other person also is attracted to you before you get too involved. Just last week, this guy asked me if I wanted to go over his place this week end. We met online just before the holidays and went for a coffee once. Exachanged a few texts since so I told him I wanted to get to know him better first and offered a lunch date. He told me he'd get back to me. I haven't heard from him since. It's pretty obvious what he wanted from me. I think this is what the woman in OP is doing. I think she just wants to get to know OP better to see if HE is really attracted to her. 1
Jame22 Posted January 18, 2015 Posted January 18, 2015 (edited) I think this is what the woman in OP is doing. I think she just wants to get to know OP better to see if HE is really attracted to her. Well If he is really attracted to her why should he accept "friends first?" Any man who is honest with himself would take off. A 32 year old should know better Edited January 18, 2015 by Jame22 1
preraph Posted January 18, 2015 Posted January 18, 2015 I see both sides, but I think she's going about it wrong. It's okay to not have sex right away and hold the line there, but it's not fair to ask someone to just be friends first and expect them to just be happy about that. You can be romantic and affectionate without having intercourse and taking risks like that. She may have not meant it quite that way either and may have communicated it badly. If she is just saying no to sex but not affection, that's fine. No one has to pony up intercourse right away. But if she's but off affection and banned that, there really is little hope.
LookAtThisPOst Posted January 18, 2015 Posted January 18, 2015 Right...and typically they'll be nice to you and all romantic until they get what they want. Then they change. I did something similar just last week. I'm 33 and feeling exactly like the woman in OP. It gets tiring and the only way to avoid that is to make sure the other person also is attracted to you before you get too involved. Just last week, this guy asked me if I wanted to go over his place this week end. We met online just before the holidays and went for a coffee once. Exachanged a few texts since so I told him I wanted to get to know him better first and offered a lunch date. He told me he'd get back to me. I haven't heard from him since. It's pretty obvious what he wanted from me. I think this is what the woman in OP is doing. I think she just wants to get to know OP better to see if HE is really attracted to her.
Maleficent Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 Well If he is really attracted to her why should he accept "friends first?" Any man who is honest with himself would take off. A 32 year old should know better You have clearly missed my point....
TigerLilly78 Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 Right...and typically they'll be nice to you and all romantic until they get what they want. Then they change. Not if you dont bed them to soon no man is going to hang around unless hes seriously interested in a relashionship with a women when she doesn't put out right away. I think a lot of men know a good deal of women are desperate these days for a relashionship and will pray on that holding out weeds out these types..
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