Friskyone4u Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 Sarah What your boyfriend is asking for is not an uncommon fantasy for me . However, note I said fantasy, not reality. There are fantasies that we all have that probably should not be acted upon. The problem here is that from what you are saying your boyfriend has done this with not one but his last three girlfriends. Now these girlfriends may not have been as serious a relationship as you have so these other girls may have thought it was cool. The problem here is that he is not going to forget about this without some serious IC to find out why he needs this. And finding out why may not stop it either. Since you are adamantly opposed to this, and it is not our place to judge whether that is right or wrong, it does appear that your relationship is going to have a lot of conflict over this that probably will resurface . You need to sort this out in your mind and decide to leave if you can't deal with it. You have not heard the last of this request 2
elaine567 Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 This isn't a tired old marriage where sex has become a chore and livening it up by any means possible has been discussed and thrashed out and then decided upon. You hardly know this man, but he wants to effectively prostitute you out for his own enjoyment. Where do his fantasies end? How many other fantasies does he have that he also wants YOU to act out, too? If you sleep with this other guy ie it could be seen as cheating on him, does that give your bf licence to then sleep with other women? Once you have the label of a "hot wife" amongst his friends and acquaintances, how are you going to live that down? What if your work found out? What if you split up and he then tells your mother and father... If after only 18 months of monogamy, he says he needs this "spice", then how on earth are you alone, ever going to satisfy him. 1
MJJean Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 Two very good posts oldshirt. Just when I think I have made up my mind someone raises some great points and I am back at square one again. What do you think of the "they all come around eventually" comment? That's not really him letting it go is it? I took that as meaning that he will be asking again in the future, do you see it a different way? My take is that your BF is willing to accept your "No!" while he believes you will eventually change your mind. Trust me, it will come up again. Eventually, he will feel frustration at not having his want/need met and he will resent you a bit for it. And you will wonder over the months and years if he's thinking about it, wanting it, fantasizing about it while you have sex, and concealing it from you. What matters is how you both handle that. Can he live, perhaps for the rest of his life, happily without having his fetish/fantasy ever again? Can you live knowing you are denying him something he wants, that other women have given him, and that you find unappealing? Can both of you live with him keeping his thoughts and feelings about this to himself? Oldshirt basically reapeated what I said earlier. Fantasies and sexuality evolve over time. What you find palatable now could change quite a bit in a decades time. Why do you think the swinger scene is so popular with those over 40? You never do have to change, but to break up with a good guy because he has a fantasy that you don't dig, that he's willing to subvert for you. That's ridiculous! It's not just a fantasy he digs. It's something he's done in his last 3 relationships and something he believes the OP will come around on. Two different animals. Yes, sexual tastes do evolve over time. But that doesn't mean that the OP will become open to the idea of multiple partner sexual activity. She may and she may not. How well will he handle it in 2-3 years if she is still saying no and he realizes she isn't going to "come around"?
spiderowl Posted January 21, 2015 Posted January 21, 2015 This is absolutely true but I am confused as to how I know this for sure. If I tell him no and never mentions it again I am sure he wont but that does not mean that he wont still hold those desires. Are you saying that him holding those desires as long has he never mentions them is acceptable? I guess what I want is for him to not want this anymore for no other reason than I don't want it. I am afraid that all that will happen is that he will suppress it and I will think all is well only for it to surface again in the future when me may even have kids and the like making walking away then very difficult. On the other hand if I walk away now I may be walking away from the best thing I have ever had because he may truly be wanting to respect my wishes and is no longer interested himself. I don't know how to gauge what is what. If it's something he really likes and wants, I can't see him not mentioning it again. He might not mention in directly, but he may hint. Why would a woman change her mind if it wasn't something she wanted to do? There must be something more to this than he is saying at the moment. Why do you think he would never mention it? I think you are right to trust your instinct on this one. It's not over for him.
Author Sarah 888 Posted January 26, 2015 Author Posted January 26, 2015 I thought I'd come back to let people know that we have split. We spoke a lot and although he said all the right things I just had a feeling and called it off. He begged to stay and over the following days I got flowers, letters, emails, texts and phone calls expressing his undying love. I was very nearly going to give it a chance until I bumped into a friend of his when out one night. I guess alcohol opens up peoples mouths and he told me how disappointed he was the we had split as he was looking forward to one day being with me!!!!!!!! Yes, apparently my @sshole ex already had it all set up for when I final "came around". I am so glad I made the decision before I wasted any more time with him. He seemed like such a great guy as well and I was so into him. It wasn't even a case of judging a book by it's cover, I knew him very well, obviously he hid what he needed to hide well. Just to be clear it wasn't the fantasy that split us up it was his unwillingness to accept my answer of no. Now I know what he had been planning behind my back it's the lies as well that mean we have no chance of ever giving it another chance. 4
evanescentworld Posted January 26, 2015 Posted January 26, 2015 Thank you for coming back to us with your update. I'm sorry it ended for you the way it did, but I'm glad for you that you followed your gut feeling, and were proved 'correct'. I hope you'll be OK. Make sure you follow the NC Guide (from your angle). My advice was not spot-on, but it's a learning curve, and I'm glad you hung on to your suspicions. I wish you well, and admire your resolve. 1
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