My bf said it would be ok to sleep with another guy

[elaine567]

Any "different" sexual arrangments need to be of mutual benefit, else they lead to disharmony.

The proposed arrangement here involves the OP participate in a sexual act with someone who is not her bf and in full view of her bf.

As this is not her fantasy, then it necessitates she do something that is alien to her, something that she doesn't want to do and something that potentially puts her body at risk, purely for his sexual satisfaction.

 

My worry too is the “all women come around eventually” comment and that I see as saying "I do not care what you think now, because I know you will do it when I want it because you love me and I will control you." It is arrogant and condescending.

 

If she complies, it may put her at a disadvantage in the ongoing relationship.

1) If he can force her to do something she doesn't want to do just to please him, that swings the power and control in his favour.

2) It may open her up to abuse or disdain, "you slut you slept with another man".

3) This may just be the start of his fantasies concerning her once he sees the flood gates are open.

 

As this supposedly occurred in other relationships for real, I do not see the bf, giving up this desire.

It would be interesting to find out from his exes why they really split up with him.

[bubbaganoosh]

Just remember one thing. If you did comply to his request and have sex with another guy in front of him, it's going to be in your history file and then if you try to deny it, there's two witnesses that saw you first hand doing it. Your boy friend and this guy in bed with you.

 

To a guy, it's a great story to tell in a bar with his friends and no doubt he'll give away all the details and maybe a few lies just to juice up the story to get that extra beer bought for him by his friends but even if he doesn't add anything extra to the story, your still going to be the star of the show now and forever.

 

Go find yourself a guy with who doesn't want to be a fantasy pimp because in reality, that's just what he's doing.

[PhoenixRysing]

I was married to a man who felt the same way as your boyfriend and we had the same conversation that you did. I was adamant that I was not interested and he was passively adamant that "all people" has underlying tendencies that were not acknowledged. I told him straight up that I was not into it and if he wanted that, then he needed to be with someone else. He relented, said he didn't "need" it and we got married. His desires reappeared 6 years later with added resentment that he had "buried" who he was in favor of who I was. I spent another two years trying to understand what he wanted but being unable to feel good about his desires. I spent a further two years trying to save a marriage where he withheld sexually from me because in his perspective - he was not getting his fantasy so why should I have mine (continuing to have sex in a 1:1 relationship).

 

I am not saying your path will be the same as mine, but with your boyfriend's statement about girls coming around, I would be wary. If you truly have no desires in this arena, and you truly believe this is part of him, you will both benefit from getting this on the table as a potential dealbreaker now.

 

Once you are married, you will both have expectations about the other being responsible and in partnership to your sexual gratification. If he needs cuckholding, and you need monogamy - it will break you, but not before you both spend a ton of time trying to meet each others needs and failing. Down that path lies misery.

 

IMO - it is time for an honest conversation about how much is a need verses how much is a fantasy.

[ascendotum]

Just remember one thing. If you did comply to his request and have sex with another guy in front of him, it's going to be in your history file and then if you try to deny it, there's two witnesses that saw you first hand doing it. Your boy friend and this guy in bed with you.

 

To a guy, it's a great story to tell in a bar with his friends and no doubt he'll give away all the details and maybe a few lies just to juice up the story to get that extra beer bought for him by his friends but even if he doesn't add anything extra to the story, your still going to be the star of the show now and forever.

 

lol. Yeeeeaah riiiiigght. I don't think guys who are into cuckolding are going to brag about the sessions the wife has with the good looking well build recruits she picks out to screw her (while he watches from the corner chair) to all their buddies at the bar. The **** buddy recruits are going to be unknowns on the other side of the city (if she lives in a small town then that's different). "maybe a few lies just to juice up the story" - like what? What more can he tell that would get more goofy looks from the guys around him at the bar after just telling them the doozey that his gf/wife gets to pick out guys to screw in front of him. Even if the guy gets in on the act and its a 3some, guys don't go to the bar and tell everyone what they and their wife get up to in bed.

[preraph]

Unfortunately, he may be more into his fetish than he is any one-on-one relationship. It's hard for me to imagine doing this with someone you want to make a life with.

[Gloria25]

Unfortunately, he may be more into his fetish than he is any one-on-one relationship. It's hard for me to imagine doing this with someone you want to make a life with.

 

Exactly, while I like excitement and whatever in the bedroom...I don't see how someone can ask the mother of their kids to be plowed by another guy for him to get off on.

 

Go get a hooker for that.

[Darren2013]

The last girlfriend I had I told her I didn't care if she slept with other guys. I meant it. I really didn't care and I was hoping she would as it would make my job description alot easier.

[bubbaganoosh]

lol. Yeeeeaah riiiiigght. I don't think guys who are into cuckolding are going to brag about the sessions the wife has with the good looking well build recruits she picks out to screw her (while he watches from the corner chair) to all their buddies at the bar. The **** buddy recruits are going to be unknowns on the other side of the city (if she lives in a small town then that's different). "maybe a few lies just to juice up the story" - like what? What more can he tell that would get more goofy looks from the guys around him at the bar after just telling them the doozey that his gf/wife gets to pick out guys to screw in front of him. Even if the guy gets in on the act and its a 3some, guys don't go to the bar and tell everyone what they and their wife get up to in bed.

 

I'm talking about the guy in bed with her

[preraph]

Exactly, while I like excitement and whatever in the bedroom...I don't see how someone can ask the mother of their kids to be plowed by another guy for him to get off on.

 

Go get a hooker for that.

 

Exactly. There was lots of variety in the '70s when I was young, but if I learned anything from it, it's that the "out there" stuff is best confined to F buddy types and never to couples or between good friends or with someone you are seeking a committed relationship. It's fun and games for the relatively few people who can accept that it's just fun and games and not have expectations beyond that.

[Gloria25]

The last girlfriend I had I told her I didn't care if she slept with other guys. I meant it. I really didn't care and I was hoping she would as it would make my job description alot easier.

 

And, from what you've posted here, you haven't ever been in a healthy relationship with any woman, you're self loathing, have insecurities, have unresolved childhood issues, and fear even going out for coffee with women that actually may treat you with any decency.

 

Which proves my point about this thread - any guy that wants you to sleep around while he's married and/or in a RL with you and/or have a guy plow you while he watches, somethings deeply wrong there...and it has nothing to do with "love".

[Woggle]

I have had casual relationships with women where I didn't care who else they were with but I had no feelings for them. I would never in a million want my wife to be with other men though because my feelings for her are real.

[Gloria25]

I have had casual relationships with women where I didn't care who else they were with but I had no feelings for them. I would never in a million want my wife to be with other men though because my feelings for her are real.

 

Well yeah, a casual RL where exclusivity has been discussed and agreed upon is different from the OP's situation...

[Sarah 888]

IMO - it is time for an honest conversation about how much is a need verses how much is a fantasy.

 

Thanks for sharing your experience, you have summed up exactly what my fears are. I feel that I can never be confident that he has truly forgotten about this fantasy of his and I would always be "waiting" for that moment when it raises its ugly head. That is why I think I need to end our relationship now but I am scared that I am throwing away something that is (and may always be) the best thing that has ever happened.

 

I do need to have a conversation with him again but I don't think it matters what he says, I think that unreserved trust is gone (even though he has actually done nothing at all wrong and doesn't deserve for me not to trust him) and it's that lingering doubt that means I cannot fully commit myself. It's a real shame because he may very well be telling the truth and we may never hear a word of it again.

[ascendotum]

... but if I learned anything from it, it's that the "out there" stuff is best confined to F buddy types and never to couples or between good friends or with someone you are seeking a committed relationship.

 

Its a little sad for soon to be married guys that their fiance will have toned things down sex wise when she decided he was the one, and all her kinky/freaky shenanigans will be in her past with various f-buddies. If he got his share of anything goes nsa girls in his 20s then he could well be over too and be cool or maybe not. Just to be safe in case the wife wants to turn conservative and guys want to experience some kinky/freaky stuff maybe its good idea to push more for f-buddy flings and kinkier sex to get some before they decide its time to find a wife.

[oldshirt]

I haven't read through all your posts or all of the responses, but IMHO it's not fair to condem him for having a specific desire if he is not burdening you with it in any way.

 

 

If he were pressuring you and holding it over your head and threatening you or using some kind of duress to get you to do something you don't want, then yes, that should be a deal breaker.

 

 

But if he asked (and it is within his right to ask) and you said no, and he accepted your decline and went on about business as usual and let it go, then I think it's unfair for you to hold it over him or to dump him because he might still have that as a desire.

 

 

We all have desires. we all have desires that are partners may be unwilling or unable to fulfill. You probably have some desires he is unable or unwilling to fulfill. should he dump you simply because you have those desires, even though you are not bugging him about it or causing any impact to him because of it?

 

 

I'm sure my wife desires some tall, rich, stunningly handsome man will fly her off to a private island in the Bahamas and a give her a week on the beach she will never forget. Should I dump her because she has that desire and I am not able to fulfill it even though she doesn't do anything against me because of it??

 

 

We can't help or control our desires. Having them is not a choice. How we deal with them is a choice. If he choses to accept your refusal to participate in that fantasy and does nothing negative to you because of it, is it really fair to hold it against him simply because he has that desire?

[oldshirt]

...And also, as who has been married 19 years, I can say with confidence you have no idea what kind of ideas and desires and fantasies either of you will be having a year from now, 5 years from now, 10 years from now, 40 years from now.

 

 

For all you know in ten years it may be you that is bringing up the idea of swinging, group sex, 3somes etc.

 

 

and I speak from direct personal experience. 19 years ago I was one of these people saying I would never let another man touch my wife and that I would never be with another woman blah blah blah. and for the first ten years of our marriage that was true. Then we started to slowly discuss swinging etc and after about 2 years of discussion and thinking about all the "what ifs?" we actually did it and were very active swingers for several years and are now pretty much a normal, traditional couple again for the most part (except we have a lot more awesome memories and stories than most normal couples do LOL )

 

 

So I think you are being very short-sighted and closed-minded as well as a bit naïve.

 

 

You are perfectly within your right to not want to indulge in that fantasy and you are perfectly within your right to decline to participate in it in any way.

 

 

But I think you are being a bit short-sighted, closed-minded and...well.....silly, to worry so much that it may come up again.

 

 

10 years from now you may be pleading with him to open up your marriage. For all you know, by then he may want nothing to do with it.

 

 

You have no clue what your futures may bring and virtually no clue what desires and kinks and fetishes either of you may have 5, 10, 15 years down the road.

 

 

If you want him to let this go, you need to let this go as well.

[Sarah 888]

If you want him to let this go, you need to let this go as well.

 

Two very good posts oldshirt.

 

Just when I think I have made up my mind someone raises some great points and I am back at square one again.

 

What do you think of the "they all come around eventually" comment? That's not really him letting it go is it? I took that as meaning that he will be asking again in the future, do you see it a different way?

[Ebelskiver]

Oldshirt basically reapeated what I said earlier. Fantasies and sexuality evolve over time. What you find palatable now could change quite a bit in a decades time. Why do you think the swinger scene is so popular with those over 40?

 

You never do have to change, but to break up with a good guy because he has a fantasy that you don't dig, that he's willing to subvert for you. That's ridiculous!

[Emilia]

Why do you think the swinger scene is so popular with those over 40?

Because the vast majority of them are unattractive people in awful marriages wanting to have their cake and eat it. Can't imagine anything worse. Would you share a very attractive wife you were really into? Thought not.

 

I'm with Woggle. I remember the conversations I had with my ex about sexual experimentation and sharing with other people before we started dating and how that changed once we started sleeping together and started being into each other. The tone became much more conservative. Once you like someone, you don't want to share them, I have not seen anything in my 42 years on this planet to make me think otherwise.

[Leigh 87]

Some people are not open to experiencing true love - with anyone - due to psychological issues or trauma. A few a genuinely pre disposed to it but it is very rare.

 

I believe that almost everyone that experiences true love absolutely cannot bring themselves to be OK with their partner screwing another person.

 

Almost all of the " open relationship" proponents admit that when they meet a person who knocks their socks off and they fall hard for them - they lose all of their urges to screw other people

 

Most people in "open relationships" just haven't found a person they have fallen madly in love with.

 

I have fallen in love in various types of ways - I didn't care when I watched my ex of 1 year at the time, have sex with another women in front of me. Looking back, I was never crazy about him or madly in love with him, hence why I was "cool" with it and turned on by watching him with another woman.

 

I recently fall hard and fast for a guy - the passionate, burning type of love that can lead to falling madly in love - the type that happens from the get go, where it is just "different" and more intense than merely falling slowly and gradually in love with a person who you spend time with and grow into loving them like as is the case with many couples.

 

Since I felt this type of love - there is absolutely no way that sleeping with other people would come into the equation.. it would be devastating and make me sick in the stomach.

 

When people meet " the one" or whatever it is you label it, they almost always will NOT be okay with partner swapping, swinging or taking on ANY extra person into the bedroom.

 

I know there are varying levels of love because I have felt it and others around me have felt it - and any burning and passionate type of relationship with intense chemistry that turns into true love ( my current relationship hasn't progressed enough to warrant that stage), but when you meet certain people in life.. and you date them... yeah. There is no room for OTHER people in the bedroom.

 

Probably 1% of people are truly predisposed to sharing in the bedroom - in most cases, once people find a person they are fiercely passionate about they don't have ANY inclination to do other people:sick:

 

Just remember that if your boyfriend met a girl who knocked his socks off, he likely wouldn't want them to do another dude...

[Sarah 888]

Leigh I think your post is illustrative of my dilemma.

 

Your post is most likely an accurate representation of how it is, but rather than answering questions is causes a problem for me.

 

You see if my boyfriend falls into the majority then it is an easy decision for me, but what if he isn't one of the majority?

 

Throughout your post you say

 

 

Some people

 

A few

 

almost everyone

 

Almost all

 

Most people

 

many couples.

 

they almost always

 

Probably 1% of people

 

he likely wouldn't want

 

And there's my issue in a nutshell. What if my boyfriend is one of the "1%"? What if he is one of the ones that is genuinely in love with me but can still want to "share"? If that's the case I am throwing away something good because I am labeling him as something he is not.

[oldshirt]

Two very good posts oldshirt.

 

Just when I think I have made up my mind someone raises some great points and I am back at square one again.

 

What do you think of the "they all come around eventually" comment? That's not really him letting it go is it? I took that as meaning that he will be asking again in the future, do you see it a different way?

 

Oh yeah, I was going to address this comment but then got carried away with the other topic.

 

Yes, I know exactly what he meant.

 

Here's the thing - there are millions of women from different backgrounds throughout the whole world partaking in a vide variety of non traditional sexual activities. The one thing they share in common is every last one of them said 'no' the first time or two the idea was brought up.

 

Another perspective that people can relate more - virtually every woman has said that she would never have a ONS with some dude she met in a bar but millions of women do exactly that every single day.

 

Countless vow in front of God and their families and on their mothers grave that they will never cheat on their husbands, yet millions do.

 

My point here is not to knock anyone but to point out that when people are thinking about it in the abstract, they say they won't do it, but when the stars line up and the conditions and variables support it, they do.

 

In situations like these it's a matter of trust, security, comfort and the suitability of the other parties involved.

 

You are saying you don't want to now, but if your relationship is secure and you have a high degree of trust and comfort in knowing that there will be no bad outcome, if your BF were to bring home Channing Tatum for you, you panties would hit the floor so hard we'd all feel the ground shake a little.

 

He knows it's just a matter of finding the right launch sequence and finding the conditions and variables that will allow you to go for it.

 

Now of course it's an exaggeration. Not all women will do it in the literal sense, but the majority will if the conditions are suitable to them.

 

Whether he will broach the subject again is anyone's guess and a matter of how important it is to him. My assumption is that he will at some point. Whether that point is a year, 5 years, 10 years or whenever is anyone's guess.

 

At that time you may or may not jump at it. It's all a matter of where things are at at that time and what your level of security, trust and comfort are and how how appealing the other person(s) in question are to you at that time.

[GG2W]

In my line of work (male stripper) I run across this a lot. It is a milder form of cuckolding, the true term is hot wife. There are some guys who get off on sharing their wives. They do not join in, they just like to watch. To them it is a live sex show and their wife is the star.

Sorry Sarah, it is in his blood, it will definitely resurface at another time.

As for the statement that the husband does not brag about watching their wives. You are wrong. They do with other husbands of hot wives. Not only that they will got so far as photographing the action and trading with others of like minds. There are web sites that specialize in this fetish.

Google it.

Edited January 20, 2015 by GG2W

[salparadise]

Sorry Sarah, it is in his blood, it will definitely resurface at another time.

 

He has the cuckold paraphilia. It's an incompatibility about which there is no compromise. If he's agrees to suppress it, it will always be lingering beneath the surface. If it were just a passing fantasy it would be one thing, but he's serious about turning you into a hot wife. I think you have an important decision to make.

[2.50 a gallon]

I too have some knowledge in this area.

 

 

Swingers: Generally both partners participate

 

 

Cuckold: Just the wife participates, more into humiliation, she is dominate

 

 

Hot wives: Just the wife. She dates other men with her husbands blessing. The husband sometimes watches, most times not. Generally the husband wants all the details. Also generally, shortly after she returns from seeing another man, he will reclaim her by having sex with her. Part of the thrill is the anx of temporarily losing her to the OM, hearing the details then quickly winning her back. As GG2W suggests Google to learn more. Try adding "Our" and it should lead you to one of the more informative sites.