My bf said it would be ok to sleep with another guy

[Sarah 888]

I have been with my bf just over 18 months now. He is a great guy, he ticks all of my positive boxes and has only a few flaws. I would be more than happy for him to be the one. We are not new to this, we are both in our mid/late 20’s and have been around so we know what we want and it’s all come together in this relationship.

 

Having said all that we had what I would now call a disturbing discussion about 6 months ago. At the time I dismissed it as a flight of fancy, a fantasy, something we could use in the bedroom but it would go no further. However it has been mentioned a number of times since and I’m starting to think it’s maybe something he wants more than I think.

 

What he said to me was that it was ok if I slept with other guys as long as he could watch and he is into that. I have since found out that he had actually done this with each of his last 3 gf’s. Now I’m actually quite comfortable with that, we all have pasts and what he did he did and who am I to judge. It’s what he has said just recently that has me concerned and maybe a bit confused. When we were talking about it and I was saying no he said “all women come around eventually”.

 

What does he mean by this? Is he saying that he is expecting me to “come around” and do this even though I have said I am not interested? Was it just a throw away line that in reality means nothing?

 

I feel I have the right man for me here but that’s not the case if he is going to pursue this until I give in (which I never will). Speaking to him has yielded various results but the main reasoning is that he likes to watch and wants to watch me. He has said that if I don’t want to then I never should and would support that but then ruins that by adding “but all women eventually come around”. I even offered that he could watch me with a women, I don’t think I ever would do that either but I wanted to see his reaction but he said he wasn’t interested.

 

I feel like I am wasting my time if he is going to continue with this, he says he would never pressure me and it’s entirely up to me but now that I know it’s hard to dismiss it. He says if I say so that he will never mention it again but that just seems like putting a band-aid on a gaping wound, he still would have the feelings and desires but just not discuss them with me.

 

What do people think? Is this a deal breaker? Can we live together without doing this successfully or will it surface again in the future given that he has had past experience with it? I hate to think that an otherwise successful relationship could be over because of this but I know that I don’t want to live with the constant expectation that one day I might just “come around”.

[whichwayisup]

When we were talking about it and I was saying no he said “all women come around eventually”.

 

This means, if you want to continue in a relationship with him, then you're gonna have to do what he wants. He will get his way. Unless you choose to end it.

 

I hope you do end it because no way should you feel pressured to do what he is asking you to do! I guess his previous girlfriends did what he asked because they didn't want to lose him.

 

NO means NO. He either accepts YOUR decision and stays, or you two break up if wants more. That should be your deal breaker.

[Woggle]

Any guy that is okay with his woman sleeping with another man can't be that into her.

[Sarah 888]

NO means NO. He either accepts YOUR decision and stays, or you two break up if wants more. That should be your deal breaker.

 

This is absolutely true but I am confused as to how I know this for sure. If I tell him no and never mentions it again I am sure he wont but that does not mean that he wont still hold those desires. Are you saying that him holding those desires as long has he never mentions them is acceptable?

 

I guess what I want is for him to not want this anymore for no other reason than I don't want it. I am afraid that all that will happen is that he will suppress it and I will think all is well only for it to surface again in the future when me may even have kids and the like making walking away then very difficult.

 

On the other hand if I walk away now I may be walking away from the best thing I have ever had because he may truly be wanting to respect my wishes and is no longer interested himself.

 

I don't know how to gauge what is what.

[Gloria25]

IMO, no guy that loves (which is awe, admiration, and RESPECT) would farm you out to other guys to plow...

 

Yea, I did some wild things and have wild tastes in the bedroom - but IMO, when people start talking about bringing a 3rd person into the bedroom (i.e. swinging, threesomes) they want to have an excuse to have sex with other people.

 

I wonder if what your bf wants is some kind of c&khld situation.

 

Regardless if this is a fetish or not, IMO, a fetish should not be entertained if it hurts one party (i.e. forced anal sex).

 

Why don't you tell him you want to watch him have sex with another woman and see what he says?

[Gloria25]

On the other hand if I walk away now I may be walking away from the best thing I have ever had because he may truly be wanting to respect my wishes and is no longer interested himself.

 

I don't know how to gauge what is what.

 

So, "If he beats me only once a week, then that's good cuz it's only once a week?"

 

In other words "the best thing I ever had" and "he wants to watch other men plow me" just do not fit into the same context, IMO.

[Sarah 888]

Any guy that is okay with his woman sleeping with another man can't be that into her.

 

I have a friend who has been with her partner since they were 16. They have an open relationship and are the happiest couple I have ever seen. They are most certainly into each other in a big way.

 

I have learned from people like this that not everyone is the same and what applies to one person does not have to apply to another, in short I don't judge. I would never want to see a man of mine even kiss another woman but she finds it arousing. Who's to say who is right? We are both right for our own selves and our own situations.

 

I don't feel any less for my boyfriend because he has done this before. It's just not for me and I want him to support my decision rather than sneakily suggesting that I'll come around one day.

[Sarah 888]

In other words "the best thing I ever had" and "he wants to watch other men plow me" just do not fit into the same context, IMO.

 

I agree with that and if that is the situation I will walk away.

 

The question I am asking is if he says ok, I will never mention it again how can I be sure that he actually has really, honestly understood and respected my feelings as opposed to just suppressing his feelings which will more than likely end up coming to the fore at some stage in the future.

[Gloria25]

I have a friend who has been with her partner since they were 16. They have an open relationship and are the happiest couple I have ever seen. They are most certainly into each other in a big way.

 

Of course they are happy....they get to go out and see whomever the want and still have someone at home to default on.

 

IMO, that's not love, that's convenience...

 

But, if that floats your boat, then go ahead. Different strokes for different folks.

 

You know, my fav podcaster recommended a movie - "The Joy Luck Club" and I finally watched it today. While I'm not into all those "Lifetime" women drama movies, this one was good...it showed several women who put up with a lot of crap, but learned to be strong at some point. It also showed that while some guys "wine and dine" ya, they can also be horribly cruel.

 

One of the women said that it wasn't till after she married her husband (handsome, rich, etc.) that she finally figured out that he "was at his best" only when he was being cruel to people. One day, he came home with one of his mistresses...The wife was sitting at the table - looking crazy (cuz he was fing with her head) and he yelled at her to pick up the baby and that she was disgusting. He called her 'a "slu$$t" - just like the mistress he brought home'. Then, he proceeded to kiss up the mistress in front of her. Some guys are jerks and down right cruel.

[ascendotum]

Of course they are happy....they get to go out and see whomever the want and still have someone at home to default on.

 

IMO, that's not love, that's convenience...

 

I disagree it's convenience. Convenience is sitting on the couch watching tv with your partner night after night year after year in a boring marriage or a sexless marriage. I guess it depends on people's views as to whether life long monogamy is natural for humans. I don't really get the cuckold scene as I would find it degrading for the bf/husband, but from reading a few accounts of it it does seem to be very much rooted in love. A warped love, in that the guys seem to put their gf/wife up on a pedestal and I gather treat them really well in the relatiosnhip and go to the extent of wanting to give her a better sex life/lover. For sure its not one sided and he is very much getting off on I guess the humiliation aspect. If the OP's bf has had a number of exes be happy to engage in this, then I'd say he is very much going to miss it in this relatiosnhip and the issue wont go away or will create dissatisfaction in him over time and corrode the relationship. If OP is never going to do it even in the future, then I think she should split.

[beach]

He may be great in other areas - but it looks like two aren't a good match when it comes to sex.

 

You should NEVEr be expected to change your decision of what makes you feel safe.

 

Since he disagrees don't waste more time with him.

 

Someone better suited for you is out there. Never settle.

[Gloria25]

I disagree it's convenience. Convenience is sitting on the couch watching tv with your partner night after night year after year in a boring marriage or a sexless marriage. I guess it depends on people's views as to whether life long monogamy is natural for humans. I don't really get the cuckold scene as I would find it degrading for the bf/husband, but from reading a few accounts of it it does seem to be very much rooted in love. A warped love, in that the guys seem to put their gf/wife up on a pedestal and I gather treat them really well in the relatiosnhip and go to the extent of wanting to give her a better sex life/lover. For sure its not one sided and he is very much getting off on I guess the humiliation aspect. If the OP's bf has had a number of exes be happy to engage in this, then I'd say he is very much going to miss it in this relatiosnhip and the issue wont go away or will create dissatisfaction in him over time and corrode the relationship. If OP is never going to do it even in the future, then I think she should split.

 

I beg to differ....

 

I was watching ID this week and this guy "allowed" his wife to sleep around cuz he became impotent after having a stroke and while she kept it quiet from him (he didn't wanna know the details) and the public/neighbors - it still destroyed the marriage.

 

One day, she called him pretty much a 'limp penis' and she was running off with a lover she believed she had a future with...

 

Husband killed her.

 

So, bringing other people in the bedroom is nothing but problems...and I don't go for this whole "he's doing it cuz he loves me" crap, cuz like the ID show, the husband was lying about his "impotency" and was getting his sexual needs met by other women....So, goes back to my theory that when people wanna bring other people in the bedroom - they usually want that door open so they can sleep around, and they aren't doing it cuz they looooove you and want you to be satisfied.

[Sarah 888]

Never settle.

 

I have no intention of settling for anything, if he indeed wants to have his gf be with another man then he can find another gf.

 

The issue I have isn't whether I should leave if he still wants to do it but whether I should leave when he says he's through with that and no longer wants it. On the surface that seems like the ideal situation, I don't want it so neither does he. What I am struggling with is that I'm not sure that can ever be certain that when he says no more that he wont still secretly harbor the desires. I guess it just comes down to trust but I thought others might have some warning signs to look out for or opinions on whether this sort of desire could ever truly be forgotten.

[Ebelskiver]

OP, base on what you've told us of you're relationship with your SO, I would say......believe him! If he says he will put this "away" and never speak of it again, then so be it. My tendencies are not toward monogamy. They are however toward honesty. So I've asked in past relationships if I could sleep with others, with the understanding that my SO was my priority. If my partner said no, I was really OK with that. Would I have preferred a bit more sexual variety? Sure. But it wasn't a deal breaker, and I WAS happy.

 

Also, in your mid-twenties, you really don't know! When I was your age I never even considered what would be my ideal now. So he may be right! But, you are also right in that he should drop it for the next several years. Maybe revisit when you've both grown some more.

 

Sexual fidelity is not important to me. What is important to me is trust, honesty, communication. Having someone who is my partner in life, on my side, a best friend. If that person wants to screw someone else (with my blessing) I truly have no problem with it. As long as they are safe, honest, and I am their emotional, financial, and familial priority. I like to take liberties as well. The reality of the situation for me in the past has been that opportunities for outside sex don't occur that often. A couple times a year. I don't seek them out. But if I meet someone and there is an overwhelming sexual chemistry......why, that's one of the great joys of like to consumate that kind of attraction! I wouldn't want to hold my partner back from that kind of rare fun, and I hope he wouldn't care either.

 

I realize I'm not the norm. But I do take offense that somehow my SO isn't really committed or that I don't 'really' love him because we do these things. That's ridiculous. There are many different ways to love. And many kinks under the sun. In reality, we have to have a lot of communication, trust and openess to pursue a relationship like this. Mostly I am talking about past relationships here as my new bf and I are....new! BUT...we have both agreed that we don't mind if the other safely sleeps with others.

[Ebelskiver]

I beg to differ....

 

I was watching ID this week and this guy "allowed" his wife to sleep around cuz he became impotent after having a stroke and while she kept it quiet from him (he didn't wanna know the details) and the public/neighbors - it still destroyed the marriage.

 

One day, she called him pretty much a 'limp penis' and she was running off with a lover she believed she had a future with...

 

Husband killed her.

 

So, bringing other people in the bedroom is nothing but problems...and I don't go for this whole "he's doing it cuz he loves me" crap, cuz like the ID show, the husband was lying about his "impotency" and was getting his sexual needs met by other women....So, goes back to my theory that when people wanna bring other people in the bedroom - they usually want that door open so they can sleep around, and they aren't doing it cuz they looooove you and want you to be satisfied.

 

Of course we do it because we want to sleep around! That's the whole point. But there IS a way to do it with love, honesty, and respect. Some good books on the subject are "The Ethical Slut" and "Polyamory". They're just interesting reads on their own from a sociological perspective. But if you want to see how those relationships could really work, then I would highly recommend them.

 

Also, some people just aren't wired for jealousy. For mainstream society I get that it seems impossible, but some people just truly want their partners fulfilled and happy. Even if they sleep with others.

Edited January 18, 2015 by Ebelskiver

[ascendotum]

Yes some guys will allow cuckolding not because they get a kick out of it but because they can't perform. You could say love for their wife is involved there too as they want her to still have a fulfilling sex life. I guess you could also say there is a selfish aspect from the guy in that it allows him to keep a happy wife, rather than risk her walking out and him not finding another woman for yrs who would be happy with no sex life. There are plenty of marriages were the 'green light to have a very discrete affair' by the impotent partner happens and it works. (lots of wives married to wealthy alpha men turn a blind eye to their men's bits on the side). Unless the marriage was rock solid otherwise it can certainly be risky, though the risk is the person will fall in love with someone else and not that their partner will harbor resentment and go psycho. He obviously was not on board with it and maybe she subtly blackmailed him into it with threat of divorce. Maybe she was not discrete enough or acted way too happy after her sessions, and quite obviously the impotency was exacerbating depression in him. It wont work unless both embrace it.

[Gloria25]

Of course we do it because we want to sleep around! That's the whole point. But there IS a way to do it with love, honesty, and respect. Some good books on the subject are "The Ethical Slut" and "Polyamory". They're just interesting reads on their own from a sociological perspective. But if you want to see how those relationships could really work, then I would highly recommend them.

 

Also, some people just aren't wired for jealousy. For mainstream society I get that it seems impossible, but some people just truly want their partners fulfilled and happy. Even if they sleep with others.

 

Well, there are "legit" religions/cultures that allow men to have more than one wife...mind you I said "wife". Some of those religions/cultures allow creepy old guys to just marry and boink women who aren't or barely legal and take advantage of them...but some of those religions/cultures have certain rules that need to be followed (i.e. asking the current wife if he can get another, if he buys a dress for one - he has to buy it for all wives)...in other words, he gets more women only if he can afford them, only if he respects them and treats them not like some back-door/down-low mistress.

 

But all these "swinging" situations and like cult situations just don't seem to have the guys treating women with any respect - it's like a meat market. Gosh, sometimes when I see those shows with swingers and group sex, and all that - it looks like that room smells like bad cheese and fritos-toes. Like, bunch of piggies/cows in a sty...all those naked bodies just piled up all over the place like yuck.

 

Look, why don't this guy just go to prostitutes to feed his desire. That's what those women are for. If I were to do a FFM again, I'd bring in a hooker - that way I don't gotta worry about him and her dating, developing feelings...it's pretty much a business transaction for a one time thrill.

[Gloria25]

Yes some guys will allow cuckolding not because they get a kick out of it but because they can't perform. You could say love for their wife is involved there too as they want her to still have a fulfilling sex life. I guess you could also say there is a selfish aspect from the guy in that it allows him to keep a happy wife, rather than risk her walking out and him not finding another woman for yrs who would be happy with no sex life. There are plenty of marriages were the 'green light to have a very discrete affair' by the impotent partner happens and it works. (lots of wives married to wealthy alpha men turn a blind eye to their men's bits on the side). Unless the marriage was rock solid otherwise it can certainly be risky, though the risk is the person will fall in love with someone else and not that their partner will harbor resentment and go psycho. He obviously was not on board with it and maybe she subtly blackmailed him into it with threat of divorce. Maybe she was not discrete enough or acted way too happy after her sessions, and quite obviously the impotency was exacerbating depression in him. It wont work unless both embrace it.

 

Well, cuz duh, people need sex to "bond"...ain't gonna work if the couple isn't boinking....

 

Look, when I was watching the ID show...I was like "ok, he's (so-called) impotent, why don't he do things manually and/or orally to pleasure her?" "Did she not want that?" I mean, most women need stimulation even with a hard penis inside of them.

 

Just goes to show how quick people are to look outside instead of within to fix problems in their bedroom/RL.

 

But then again, like I said, the guy in the ID show - he wanted the door open, not cuz he wanted his wife to be fulfilled sexually, but so that he could have an excuse/not feel guilty for his cheating.

[Ebelskiver]

Not all relationships that are open are "swinger" situations. I know of a triad in San Fran, two guys, one woman, all living together, happy. 10 years, three kids. Love is what you make it.

 

But you're right, orgy rooms smell like feet and old cheese and are about as sexy as cow poo. But to each their own.

[gaius]

I don't really get why you're so dead set against this. If you walk away from him you're going to end up in bed with another guy anyway so why not just do it for your boyfriend? There must be another dude out there you find attractive.

[CALOVELY]

I don't really get why you're so dead set against this. If you walk away from him you're going to end up in bed with another guy anyway so why not just do it for your boyfriend? There must be another dude out there you find attractive.

 

Ending up in bed with another man because she wants to is vastly different than ending up in bed with another man because her boyfriend wants her to.

 

OP- You have told him no. If he continues to press your boundaries then I would end the relationship.

[Sarah 888]

OP- You have told him no. If he continues to press your boundaries then I would end the relationship.

 

That is exactly what I will be doing.

 

When he says that he will stop (and I'm sure he will), and then follows through with that do I just have to take that at face value and believe that he is true to his word? The situation I am dreading is that I take him at his word only to find out years later after a marriage and kids that he never actually stopped wanting it but just hid it and now it comes to the surface again.

 

I know I am asking a lot, you can never be 100% sure about anyone I guess, but this has shaken me. I am by no means a prude and we have had some great experiences together but this is not something that I want. I'm just not sure whether when he says he doesn't want it either that he will be telling the truth.

 

I just read that back and I come across as some psycho bitch that is very untrusting. Believe me when I say that this is not normally who I am, I am just a bit muddled by this.

[ralfgarnett]

As a recently separated man from his wife of 18 years I would never ever even contemplate something so vile, if he really loved you then he would not want you being rifled my anyone, dump him he is a user and is no good for you.

[beach]

That is exactly what I will be doing.

 

When he says that he will stop (and I'm sure he will), and then follows through with that do I just have to take that at face value and believe that he is true to his word? The situation I am dreading is that I take him at his word only to find out years later after a marriage and kids that he never actually stopped wanting it but just hid it and now it comes to the surface again.

 

I know I am asking a lot, you can never be 100% sure about anyone I guess, but this has shaken me. I am by no means a prude and we have had some great experiences together but this is not something that I want. I'm just not sure whether when he says he doesn't want it either that he will be telling the truth.

 

I just read that back and I come across as some psycho bitch that is very untrusting. Believe me when I say that this is not normally who I am, I am just a bit muddled by this.

 

 

You're not a prude.

 

Don't expect him to change his expectations. He's told you who he is. You've stated his request is unacceptable for you/ your boundary.

 

That should show you that you two aren't a good match.

 

He shouldn't have to live without what he wants - and you shouldn't have to do things that are unacceptable for you.

[evanescentworld]

That is exactly what I will be doing.

 

When he says that he will stop (and I'm sure he will), and then follows through with that do I just have to take that at face value and believe that he is true to his word? The situation I am dreading is that I take him at his word only to find out years later after a marriage and kids that he never actually stopped wanting it but just hid it and now it comes to the surface again.

That actually is not your problem.

If he harbours secret desires, but never voices them again, that's his issue to deal with, not yours.

he has agreed, accepted your word and complied with your request.

What he 'secretly' thinks is his concern, and his only, and actually, if you'll pardon me, none of your business.

 

Secret thoughts are just that. Secret. Everyone has them, and is entitled to them.

 

put it this way, would you tell him you'd secretly want to dump him if you find out that he hasn't actually really changed his mind, secretly?

 

No. You'd keep that to yourself - until the time when/if he voices his desire again, in spite of your emphatic refusal.

 

THEN - you'd tell him it's a deal-breaker. But until then, your thoughts on the matter are yours to keep, until such a time as it's relevant and pertinent to reveal them. Until then, you don't. And it's nobody's business but yours.

 

He can harbour all the secret thoughts and fantasies he wants, that's HIS prerogative. Fantasies are just that. Fantasies. Don't hold them against him.

 

 

I know I am asking a lot, you can never be 100% sure about anyone I guess, but this has shaken me. I am by no means a prude and we have had some great experiences together but this is not something that I want. I'm just not sure whether when he says he doesn't want it either that he will be telling the truth.

Is this a question of trust?

Because he hasn't BROKEN your trust. You are breaking it, by fretting and worrying about the sky falling on your head.

He said it won't fall.

Believe him.

You can't mind-read, so if he has assured you it's no longer going to be an item of discussion, then trust that.

 

I just read that back and I come across as some psycho bitch that is very untrusting. Believe me when I say that this is not normally who I am, I am just a bit muddled by this.

 

And I just read that bit for the first time after responding to your last paragraph!

 

Relax.

 

Don't panic or do anything, until the pin's been pulled....