Chin Up Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 My exes bday is coming up too, this Sunday. I'm not saying a peep to him. Don't worry what she thinks. The fact that you have essentially been NC since the split is impressive! Don't blow it now by using a bday as an excuse. The only thing you can do to ruin your chances of reconciliation is contacting her. I'm pretty sure dumpers don't expect to have shout outs on special occasions, and when we do..even though it seems innocent and harmless enough in our minds.. I suspect we look a bit pathetic cuz it shows we're still sitting around thinking/pining about them while they clearly aren't. This is going to sound messed up, but after all the crap I endured with my ex, being left high and dry to make sense of it all, while he skipped off into the sunset..well, I get an immature and smug sense of satisfaction that I will be a ghost on his bday. I'm sure he will notice I didn't send anything, but it will be a 5 second reaction before he forgets I exist again lol. I think we, the dumpees, tend to think the dumpers are still more invested than they really are, cuz we still are (If that makes sense). 1
Author Lionheart1557 Posted January 22, 2015 Author Posted January 22, 2015 My exes bday is coming up too, this Sunday. I'm not saying a peep to him. Don't worry what she thinks. The fact that you have essentially been NC since the split is impressive! Don't blow it now by using a bday as an excuse. The only thing you can do to ruin your chances of reconciliation is contacting her. I'm pretty sure dumpers don't expect to have shout outs on special occasions, and when we do..even though it seems innocent and harmless enough in our minds.. I suspect we look a bit pathetic cuz it shows we're still sitting around thinking/pining about them while they clearly aren't. This is going to sound messed up, but after all the crap I endured with my ex, being left high and dry to make sense of it all, while he skipped off into the sunset..well, I get an immature and smug sense of satisfaction that I will be a ghost on his bday. I'm sure he will notice I didn't send anything, but it will be a 5 second reaction before he forgets I exist again lol. I think we, the dumpees, tend to think the dumpers are still more invested than they really are, cuz we still are (If that makes sense). Honestly I can agree with you. I definitely think as the dumpee here that I am more invested in this then she is. I doubt she even thought about me not messaging her today. It is what it is. I have a date this weekend with another girl and hopefully I can stear this ship around.
blackcat777 Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 (edited) The formula for reconciliation goes something like this: Chance of reconciliation = (it is what it is at the moment of breakup and nothing can improve it) (it is what it is) - [(number of times reaching out) * (loss of respect incurred by seeking to contact a person that rejected you] = a lower chance at reconciliation than had you done nothing What you had was what you had. I think what existed before the break (connection, how well you treated each other, value you added to person's life) determines the maximum chance at reconciliation. This means, it's already fixed and there's nothing you can do to augment it. Any contact, including happy birthday, merry Christmas, I'm sorry to hear your dog died, congratulations on the promotion, how is school... it's all lowering your value, because you are pursuing a person that *clearly does not want you.* If they wanted you, they wouldn't have broken up with you. It's like running face-first into a chainsaw. It will never end well, and it's definitely not attractive. The best thing you can do is hang back and let what you had speak for itself. So, congrats on keeping the NC. If there is a chance for reconciliation, NC will facilitate it. I went cold, hard NC the day of my breakup, and my boyfriend eventually came and broke down my door. While we were discussing the breakup, I asked him about NC; he said that while he missed me horribly and was at an all-time low, and while he would have appreciated me reaching out, it also would have been off-putting, because it would have interfered with his process of return, which was a decision he had to come to 100% on his own. ^And really think about that... Would you want an ex to return in any other context, other than that they knew, in the pit of their soul, that they did not want a life without you? If you stay in the picture, how can they ever come to that conclusion? Important catch 22: had I not gone NC for myself and spent enough time moving on and committed to my healing, I would have been a spazball basketcase when he came back. I wouldn't have been able to set strong boundaries, which are the cornerstone of our new relationship. I wouldn't be able to trust him, which is key to successfully reconciling. I would have been hung up on old $h!t, had I not made the decision to move forward without looking back, and really let it all go, cry it out, for months, even. It took me 3.5 of the four months we were apart to conclude he must really be a serial killer to throw my love away, and, jeez, I'd better be careful not to date any more serial killers, even if we have the same taste in music. I cried a lot, sure. But I had to do me. I got me back. I upgraded myself. Combined with my boyfriend's hard knocks from life, we have a better relationship than we did before. tl;dr While NC is a critical ingredient in facilitating a reconciliation, and gives you the strongest "chance" of your ex coming back (read: it won't depreciate your value further post-breakup), you have to commit 100% to NC for yourself, to move forward, because if you don't heal and find an even better way to put yourself back together, a reconciliation won't stick. And it's completely silly to pursue a reconciliation on shaky grounds... what would be the point of getting a broken heart again? Use NC to build the strongest foundation of any relationship you will ever be in: you. If your ex comes back, NEVER FORGET how freaking lucky he or she is to have you. Edited January 22, 2015 by blackcat777 3
Author Lionheart1557 Posted January 22, 2015 Author Posted January 22, 2015 The formula for reconciliation goes something like this: Chance of reconciliation = (it is what it is at the moment of breakup and nothing can improve it) (it is what it is) - [(number of times reaching out) * (loss of respect incurred by seeking to contact a person that rejected you] = a lower chance at reconciliation than had you done nothing What you had was what you had. I think what existed before the break (connection, how well you treated each other, value you added to person's life) determines the maximum chance at reconciliation. This means, it's already fixed and there's nothing you can do to augment it. Any contact, including happy birthday, merry Christmas, I'm sorry to hear your dog died, congratulations on the promotion, how is school... it's all lowering your value, because you are pursuing a person that *clearly does not want you.* If they wanted you, they wouldn't have broken up with you. It's like running face-first into a chainsaw. It will never end well, and it's definitely not attractive. The best thing you can do is hang back and let what you had speak for itself. So, congrats on keeping the NC. If there is a chance for reconciliation, NC will facilitate it. I went cold, hard NC the day of my breakup, and my boyfriend eventually came and broke down my door. While we were discussing the breakup, I asked him about NC; he said that while he missed me horribly and was at an all-time low, and while he would have appreciated me reaching out, it also would have been off-putting, because it would have interfered with his process of return, which was a decision he had to come to 100% on his own. ^And really think about that... Would you want an ex to return in any other context, other than that they knew, in the pit of their soul, that they did not want a life without you? If you stay in the picture, how can they ever come to that conclusion? Important catch 22: had I not gone NC for myself and spent enough time moving on and committed to my healing, I would have been a spazball basketcase when he came back. I wouldn't have been able to set strong boundaries, which are the cornerstone of our new relationship. I wouldn't be able to trust him, which is key to successfully reconciling. I would have been hung up on old $h!t, had I not made the decision to move forward without looking back, and really let it all go, cry it out, for months, even. It took me 3.5 of the four months we were apart to conclude he must really be a serial killer to throw my love away, and, jeez, I'd better be careful not to date any more serial killers, even if we have the same taste in music. I cried a lot, sure. But I had to do me. I got me back. I upgraded myself. Combined with my boyfriend's hard knocks from life, we have a better relationship than we did before. tl;dr While NC is a critical ingredient in facilitating a reconciliation, and gives you the strongest "chance" of your ex coming back (read: it won't depreciate your value further post-breakup), you have to commit 100% to NC for yourself, to move forward, because if you don't heal and find an even better way to put yourself back together, a reconciliation won't stick. And it's completely silly to pursue a reconciliation on shaky grounds... what would be the point of getting a broken heart again? Use NC to build the strongest foundation of any relationship you will ever be in: you. If your ex comes back, NEVER FORGET how freaking lucky he or she is to have you. Thank you this has honestly been the best reply I have received on these forums thus far. I am going to stick to NC and continue to heal. I have a date with a girl this weekend and also went out with another girl last weekend. I enjoy the company of these girls but at the same time I feel guilty for no reason? Is it normal to feel that way after going out with new women?
David87 Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 Yes, its normal to feel guilty, I think you're not ready for something serious...go out there and have fun and try to forget about your ex.
Author Lionheart1557 Posted January 25, 2015 Author Posted January 25, 2015 Ok, so my relationship with my ex was short only 4 months. We broke in October and I have stayed in NC since besides a couple of run ins at the gym where she said hi and I replied with hi and went on my way. I try to refrain from looking at any of her social media (actually removed her and she removed me or vice versa). Her birthday recently passed and I almost cracked and sent her message but I thankfully refrained. I had a crappy day today thinking of her and I stumbled upon her twitter and saw her retweeting quotes about missing someone, be exact the quote said, "When your mood shifts from instant happiness to sadness it indicates that you miss someone." I convinced myself that it doesn't apply to me or maybe it was one of her other exes or someone new. I know all this speculation is pointless but I just wanted to see if it means anything. It would be a lie if I said I was over her and that I didn't miss her because I truly do and wish I could take some things back. I am just hoping (slim slim hope) that one day I wake up or get a text from her or a phone call out of the blue. I am trying to move on but at the same time I keep thinking of her.
Satu Posted January 25, 2015 Posted January 25, 2015 Put that false hope into a bucket of bleach and then get out there and find someone new.
Simon Phoenix Posted January 25, 2015 Posted January 25, 2015 Ok, so my relationship with my ex was short only 4 months. We broke in October and I have stayed in NC since besides a couple of run ins at the gym where she said hi and I replied with hi and went on my way. I try to refrain from looking at any of her social media (actually removed her and she removed me or vice versa). Her birthday recently passed and I almost cracked and sent her message but I thankfully refrained. I had a crappy day today thinking of her and I stumbled upon her twitter and saw her retweeting quotes about missing someone, be exact the quote said, "When your mood shifts from instant happiness to sadness it indicates that you miss someone." I convinced myself that it doesn't apply to me or maybe it was one of her other exes or someone new. I know all this speculation is pointless but I just wanted to see if it means anything. It would be a lie if I said I was over her and that I didn't miss her because I truly do and wish I could take some things back. I am just hoping (slim slim hope) that one day I wake up or get a text from her or a phone call out of the blue. I am trying to move on but at the same time I keep thinking of her. Dude, if you're checking her Twitter you aren't in No Contact. Stop it immediately, then you won't be analyzing pointless things such as this. If it has anything to do with you more than her trying to get sympathy, she'll make it a lot less passive-aggressive and a lot more clear. In the meantime, STOP LOOKING AT HER SOCIAL MEDIA!!!!! That's not No Contact. 2
kendahke Posted January 25, 2015 Posted January 25, 2015 Ok, so my relationship with my ex was short only 4 months. We broke in October and I have stayed in NC since besides a couple of run ins at the gym where she said hi and I replied with hi and went on my way. I try to refrain from looking at any of her social media (actually removed her and she removed me or vice versa). Her birthday recently passed and I almost cracked and sent her message but I thankfully refrained. I had a crappy day today thinking of her and I stumbled upon her twitter and saw her retweeting quotes about missing someone, be exact the quote said, "When your mood shifts from instant happiness to sadness it indicates that you miss someone." I convinced myself that it doesn't apply to me or maybe it was one of her other exes or someone new. I know all this speculation is pointless but I just wanted to see if it means anything. It would be a lie if I said I was over her and that I didn't miss her because I truly do and wish I could take some things back. I am just hoping (slim slim hope) that one day I wake up or get a text from her or a phone call out of the blue. I am trying to move on but at the same time I keep thinking of her. I think it's normal to still think about them, especially if the break wasn't acrimonious. I know I live in hope that my recent ex will contact me because I miss talking with him, but I"m not going to make the first move. He knows how I feel. 1
Author Lionheart1557 Posted January 25, 2015 Author Posted January 25, 2015 Dude, if you're checking her Twitter you aren't in No Contact. Stop it immediately, then you won't be analyzing pointless things such as this. If it has anything to do with you more than her trying to get sympathy, she'll make it a lot less passive-aggressive and a lot more clear. In the meantime, STOP LOOKING AT HER SOCIAL MEDIA!!!!! That's not No Contact. You're right. I needed a rough ended answer like this. I don't know what I was thinking? I'm just going to focus on me the best I can and do the best I can with my studies and career. All this thinking I do, I might as well invest it in my studies to get a return on it. 1
Author Lionheart1557 Posted January 31, 2015 Author Posted January 31, 2015 So today I woke up with a shocking text message from a random number and it was my ex. She said hey it's X, I hope you're doing well. I just wanted ask you if you could give me the same of that place we ate at in Y?" I was in total shock this has been the first contact she made since October. I didn't respond right away but I nonchantly said, "Hey X, it's called XYZ. Enjoy" she said thanks and I said you're welcome and then she replied with an smiley. I have no falase hope I'm lingering on to but my question is why? Why contact me now. I find it asinine to believe the only way she could find the name of that place is by asking me. Why after all this time you make contact with me? Off a new number? I think I handled myself well though. We didn't leave off on horrible terms but I purposefully defered to answer how I was doing or ask her how she was. What do you guys think?
Simon Phoenix Posted January 31, 2015 Posted January 31, 2015 Next time don't respond. She yanked the chain, and you were still there. 1
Haydn Posted January 31, 2015 Posted January 31, 2015 So today I woke up with a shocking text message from a random number and it was my ex. She said hey it's X, I hope you're doing well. I just wanted ask you if you could give me the same of that place we ate at in Y?" I was in total shock this has been the first contact she made since October. I didn't respond right away but I nonchantly said, "Hey X, it's called XYZ. Enjoy" she said thanks and I said you're welcome and then she replied with an smiley. I have no falase hope I'm lingering on to but my question is why? Why contact me now. I find it asinine to believe the only way she could find the name of that place is by asking me. Why after all this time you make contact with me? Off a new number? I think I handled myself well though. We didn't leave off on horrible terms but I purposefully defered to answer how I was doing or ask her how she was. What do you guys think? Why would she ask that after all that time? The food was that good?? She could have googled it. Don`t respond next time. Strange.
Author Lionheart1557 Posted January 31, 2015 Author Posted January 31, 2015 So I am going to try to be concise as possible. Me and my ex dated for 4 months and she dumped me at the end of August. I lingered around like a jackass texting, calling, trying to reconcile the situation. We remained friends which was a huge mistake on my part. October we had a falling out but we were able to reconcile respectfully and decided to mutually go NC. I remained in NC until November 12th when I ran into her at the gym. I saw her and decided to approach her as I felt it was the mature thing to do. She seemed surprised and even thrown off when I came up to her. I kept the conversation short, asked her how she was doing, how her family was, and then said I had to go continue my workout. I did not linger around more than 30 seconds as I did not want the situation to get awkward. I went home felt like **** for the next few days as old feelings started to creep up. Fought through all that and just continued going NC. Fast forward to last Friday. I was walking into the gym and she was leaving, we both made eye contact from 30-40 feet out so we both knew there was no way of avoiding each other without saying hi. She said hi first and I casually said hi and she asked how I was doing and I replied good how about you? I did all that without stopping and making minimal eye contact. I probably came off as an ******* and it wasn't my intentions but my defenses are up so high that it was just my natural reaction. Then today I saw her in the gym with the corner of my eye but tried to make it obvious and just went about my workout. I know she saw me at one point because she put her hoody on and moved to a different machine away from me. I don't know if I pissed her off by not saying hi or if she was trying to avoid me but my mentality was that I am the dumpee and I have no reason to come up and acknowledge you when I already did that once. Went home and felt like crap again. I did get a good workout in so I guess that is something to be happy about. I am having a tough time dealing with this situation. I am obviously not over the situation and wish I had made more progress. I guess I need your guy's insight on this situation and what to do in the future run-ins or what not to do? Thanks and so much for keeping this concise lol. Why would she ask that after all that time? The food was that good?? She could have googled it. Don`t respond next time. Strange. My first initial reaction was to ignore it but I felt that would portray bitterness and I don't want anyone to think they made me bitter. I don't believe it's right to give someone that enjoyment. I figured to be polite and nonchalant would be the best response because it's one many wouldn't expect. I don't hate the person and she doesn't hate me. We run into each other quite often too so I want to keep it as civil as possible
Simon Phoenix Posted January 31, 2015 Posted January 31, 2015 My first initial reaction was to ignore it but I felt that would portray bitterness and I don't want anyone to think they made me bitter. I don't believe it's right to give someone that enjoyment. I figured to be polite and nonchalant would be the best response because it's one many wouldn't expect. I don't hate the person and she doesn't hate me. We run into each other quite often too so I want to keep it as civil as possible First of all, stop worrying about how you'll be portrayed. And your "polite, nonchalant" response now has you overthinking, which is why you shouldn't have done it in the first place. But yeah, no more trying to put out a front or being worried about how someone who dumped you perceives you.
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