Problem in my relationship. Am I being unreasonable to him?

[HisPresence]

Hello, may I get advice on my situation. I am trying to weight both sides of the issue, and being as analytical as I can; but I'm still so conflict inside. I don't know if I am being unreasonable to him; and apologize for the long post.

 

Me and my boyfriend are in a committed relationship, I am 30 and he is 29. Overall he is a loving and caring boyfriend. The relationship is it full of fidelity on both physical, and emotional level. There is no third party between us.

He have a full time job, he works alot. He have No criminal records, No DUI (No driving under alcohol influence)

He pass all Drugs test in his past/present job. He doesn't even drink or smoke a cigarette, so he pretty much is a health freak.

 

Problem is last week my boyfriend's childhood friends; some them got arrested for Transporting/possession of: Cocaine, heroin and meth. I have valid reason to be worried since this is hardcore drugs here, Not the simple weeds stuff.

My BF was at work at the time, so I know he have nothing to do with his druggie friends get arrested.

For sure he was at work, because he always call me from work when he on break. And I can tell from the background sounds that he is at work, no doubt about this.

 

As usual after work, he drive back to spend time with me and eat. Then he got a phone call from another friend of his who let him know about his druggie childhood friends got arrested for posesssion/transporting Hardcord drugs.

I overheard the conversation so I got worried. And he was honest to me, he tell me exactly what happened about his friends. They got arrested and charges for Felony drugs crime. This is serious, because they going to be facing Jail time.

 

I know my BF does not do drugs because we see each others everyday; we eat and sleep in the same bed. And I know his body smell too well, if there any different smell or drugs smell on his body, I would notice immediately.

I also do his laundry, so I know there is no drugs on his clothes. I never smell drugs on his body, or see any drugs substances on his face, hands, or skin.

 

I got into a little argument with him regarding this incident. He assured me; tell me he is not dumb and asked me to trust him, and that he knows how to protect himself. At his age 29, he won't give into pressure of doing drugs.

He won't go into their car, he also won't let them go in his car. So there no chance of them snitch drugs in his car.

He will stay outside in the open to talk to them; obviously they can't bring drugs out to the open.

He won't let them go to his place. But if he over at their place to watch NFL Football; once he see them do drugs, he would leave.

 

He also said he was aware that his friends do hardcore drugs, but he were Not aware that they transporting it.He said his friends don't share their drugs activities with him.

They still hang around, because they are childhood friends/grow up together/know each others all their life; so his friends trust him for not selling them out just because he saw them do drugs.

 

I don't believe in changing a man. I accept him for who he is, and he have the rights to hang around with whatever 'types' of friends he wants.

We were friends prior to dating, so I was aware he have druggie friends. Therefore I set my boundaries clear with him, I told him promise me "No drugs". And he always been keeping his promise with me, he (himself) doesn't do drugs.

 

I trust him but it just the type of friends that he hang around with is just worrisome! If they ever get stopped, or raided by police he will be lumped in with them. Or he might get caught up in drug violence in the streets when his friends run into trouble with rivals.

He keep hanging around with them, one day he might find himself in a complicated legal situation like 'guilty by association'. He could still get arrested if he get busted together with them. Or getting caught in the middle of a shoot-out, just because he's at the wrong place at the wrong time.

 

I know men need their space, and I always give him alot of freedom and space so he can do his own things. That including set him free to hang out with his druggie childhood friends.

But after seeing some of them get arrested and throw in jail, I am in full worried mode. Now when ever he go hang out with them; I told him to text message me every few hours, so I can know that he is safe out there.

 

I know his friends is his friends, him is him. And I should not held him reliable for what his friends did; something he have no control over.

But I really want him to decrease hanging out iwth druggie childhood friends, but I feel that I am being very uneasonable if I ask him to do that.

 

The problem is: he is fully ware of them doing drugs, now knowing they transporting drugs too. Yet he acts like there is Nothing wrong, and still choose to continue hang around with them.

Him thinking he is smart, and know now how to keep himself out of legal trouble. Perhaps if one day he got arrested, then he will finally see that hanging out with the wrong crowd can possibily be fatal.

 

What would you if you were in my situation, would you broke up? Would you ask him to decrease/stop hanging out with his druggie childhood friends?

I love him so I admit I cater him, and spoil him alot; I tends to let him have things his ways. But sometimes I wonder if I should be more assertive regarding to his druggie friends.

I'm just so internally conflict right now. I know it a risk that I have to take if I want to be with him, I'm just trying to swallow this.

 

 

------------------------------------------------

May I get a Poll in this

I am being analytical, what you think it would be best to do:

 

1. Best to break up with him, he will eventually get himself in trouble.

2. Work it out with him, it is not his fault that his druggie friends got arrested.

[acrosstheuniverse]

Sounds like he still loves and cares about his childhood friends even though they have problems with drugs. As long as he isn't taking drugs, or helping them to transport them, or hanging out with them in high risk situations (such as when they're grafting [stealing or mugging for drug money] or scoring [procuring drugs]) I don't see why he should decide to sack them off.

 

You sound a little naive and hysterical about it, because it's drug-related... I was going to say naive because if your boyfriend was taking drugs you wouldn't be able to smell it on him or his body, anyone can take drugs at work or when he isn't around you, again 'drugs on his clothes' you're being a little naive here. If he's snorting Cocaine, smoking weed or Heroin then changing his clothes, taking illicit Benzodiazpines orally, you would have absolutely no idea unless you detected a change in his behaviour. And people who take drugs regularly often barely change in presentation if they've built up a tolerance to the substance.

 

But he has negative drug tests from work, I assume you have proof, so I don't know why you're worrying. His friends are his friends, he isn't going to give them up because you think that they're 'druggies' (pretty offensive terminology by the way), I wouldn't give up my close friends if they developed a drug problem. And if he's around them when they get busted for whatever reason, it's very unlikely your boyfriend will get into any kind of trouble unless he actually has a part in some illegal activity. Especially if he can pass a drug test.

 

It all comes down to what sounds like a fundamental difference in your values and beliefs. He doesn't see drug use and dealing as a reason to stay away from people, you think that it's something worth ditching friends over. Neither are wrong to be honest, if you personally choose to have nothing to do with anyone who drinks or takes drugs then that's your choice, but his social circle is his business and not everybody sees things so black and white. Your mind is conjuring these insane circumstances of him getting shot in a deal gone wrong, or him being arrested and thrown into jail, or him being at his friend's house while the dealer comes round and beats them all to a pulp, but these aren't things that happen very frequently other than in the movies, and your boyfriend is an adult, trust him to know how to keep himself out of trouble.

 

He probably feels like he's being treated like a child and is feeling suffocated and controlled. Either you accept that your boyfriend having these friends is part of the package and say no further on the matter, or you let him go.

[HisPresence]

I agree with you. Seem like I have no choice, but to accept his street life style and his street friends. Or my other option is end the relationship.

 

When I start his thread, I did NOT want to go into details of the environment that we are living in, or his rough childhood/background, or his street life style, or how loyal he is to the street.

We live in the 'hood', or the 'ghetto' as some called it. Where the environment here is full of gangs, drugs, violence and shooting.

 

People live here on the lower income of the society, so things like these happen here is normal. And I do have a valid concern when we are 'living' in this type of environment.

Couple months ago there was a gang shooting right here in this own neighborhod where we live at.

So him continue hanging around with druggie/gangster freinds, there are chances he might get himself in trouble one day.

 

His childhood friends are not just only hardcore drugs user of: Cocaine, Heroin, Meth, but they are also in gang related. He even have gangster friends.

 

Anyways where we currently live doesn't matter.

We are working hard to try to get out of here, since the rent here is CHEAP so it does help every month for us to save up to buy a House. We should be able to move out of here by the end of 2015 or early 2016 if the financial goes as plan.

 

I just hope he have his a-s-s out of trouble for the next 1-2 years. I can't risk losing him, it just too painful to even think about it.

 

You sound a little naive and hysterical about it, because it's drug-related... I was going to say naive because if your boyfriend was taking drugs you wouldn't be able to smell it on him or his body, anyone can take drugs at work or when he isn't around you, again 'drugs on his clothes' you're being a little naive here. If he's snorting Cocaine, smoking weed or Heroin then changing his clothes, taking illicit Benzodiazpines orally, you would have absolutely no idea unless you detected a change in his behaviour. And people who take drugs regularly often barely change in presentation if they've built up a tolerance to the substance.

 

If like how you put it then I guess every single girl out there who have a boyfriend or a husband are in the "possibility" of their man taking drugs. Since there is no signs to tell, and it doesn't show up in their mood or on their body.

Edited January 17, 2015 by HisPresence

[acrosstheuniverse]

Yep... at one end of the scale, when people end up involved in hardcore intravenous drug use, there are many obvious signs... money problems, losing a lot of weight, sores, track marks from injecting into veins usually on the arm, but frequently the groin and other places, being constantly 'busy', because they're out robbing... but at the other end, the more casual user who has a handle on it, if they're just smoking, snorting or bombing (oral use) then depending on the drugs, there can be few signs. The simple fact is that you never know what you're partner is up to when they're away from you, do you? They could be at work, with friends, doing the grocery shop, at the gym, or they could be using drugs, having an affair, sleeping with sex workers in a hotel, or gambling everything away at the casino. Unless there are actual signs of the person getting into problems with something you wouldn't be happy about, you just have to let go and trust the person. The only alternative is being a jealous, patrolling wreck, which would ruin the relationship, and wouldn't even stop the person doing what they want anyway.

 

Having said all of that, now you've contextualised your living area and social situation a bit more (gangs, shootings...) I have a lot more empathy for how you are feeling. In the society I live in, stuff like gang issues or hard drug use rarely even cross the periphery of our vision, the only reason I'm so aware of these issues are because I work with clients for whom this is their every day life. But it's not something most people think about... if every day in my non-work life I saw gang related crime, the effects of drug use, then I wouldn't be quite so casual about the whole thing. It seems like in your neighborhood, associating with drug users comes with high risk, and by being affiliated to a gang, your partner is already putting you both at risk even without the substance use.

 

If I were living in your situation I don't think I'd want a relationship with someone gang affiliated and who associated with drug users, especially people who are more king pins who move the stuff around rather than just users or couriers. Too dangerous.

 

You have to work out whether you will feel safe if you stay in the relationship. Not just whether he's safe, whether YOU feel safe. Is there any chance you can move somewhere more safe yourself (if it's financially viable of course, most people can't just up and move) and he join you when you're ready to get a place out of the neighborhood? There's a lot to think about. But I definitely understand your concerns more now that you've given more background about where you guys live.

[Redhead14]

Hello, may I get advice on my situation. I am trying to weight both sides of the issue, and being as analytical as I can; but I'm still so conflict inside. I don't know if I am being unreasonable to him; and apologize for the long post.

 

Me and my boyfriend are in a committed relationship, I am 30 and he is 29. Overall he is a loving and caring boyfriend. The relationship is it full of fidelity on both physical, and emotional level. There is no third party between us.

He have a full time job, he works alot. He have No criminal records, No DUI (No driving under alcohol influence)

He pass all Drugs test in his past/present job. He doesn't even drink or smoke a cigarette, so he pretty much is a health freak.

 

Problem is last week my boyfriend's childhood friends; some them got arrested for Transporting/possession of: Cocaine, heroin and meth. I have valid reason to be worried since this is hardcore drugs here, Not the simple weeds stuff.

My BF was at work at the time, so I know he have nothing to do with his druggie friends get arrested.

For sure he was at work, because he always call me from work when he on break. And I can tell from the background sounds that he is at work, no doubt about this.

 

As usual after work, he drive back to spend time with me and eat. Then he got a phone call from another friend of his who let him know about his druggie childhood friends got arrested for posesssion/transporting Hardcord drugs.

I overheard the conversation so I got worried. And he was honest to me, he tell me exactly what happened about his friends. They got arrested and charges for Felony drugs crime. This is serious, because they going to be facing Jail time.

 

I know my BF does not do drugs because we see each others everyday; we eat and sleep in the same bed. And I know his body smell too well, if there any different smell or drugs smell on his body, I would notice immediately.

I also do his laundry, so I know there is no drugs on his clothes. I never smell drugs on his body, or see any drugs substances on his face, hands, or skin.

 

I got into a little argument with him regarding this incident. He assured me; tell me he is not dumb and asked me to trust him, and that he knows how to protect himself. At his age 29, he won't give into pressure of doing drugs.

He won't go into their car, he also won't let them go in his car. So there no chance of them snitch drugs in his car.

He will stay outside in the open to talk to them; obviously they can't bring drugs out to the open.

He won't let them go to his place. But if he over at their place to watch NFL Football; once he see them do drugs, he would leave.

 

He also said he was aware that his friends do hardcore drugs, but he were Not aware that they transporting it.He said his friends don't share their drugs activities with him.

They still hang around, because they are childhood friends/grow up together/know each others all their life; so his friends trust him for not selling them out just because he saw them do drugs.

 

I don't believe in changing a man. I accept him for who he is, and he have the rights to hang around with whatever 'types' of friends he wants.

We were friends prior to dating, so I was aware he have druggie friends. Therefore I set my boundaries clear with him, I told him promise me "No drugs". And he always been keeping his promise with me, he (himself) doesn't do drugs.

 

I trust him but it just the type of friends that he hang around with is just worrisome! If they ever get stopped, or raided by police he will be lumped in with them. Or he might get caught up in drug violence in the streets when his friends run into trouble with rivals.

He keep hanging around with them, one day he might find himself in a complicated legal situation like 'guilty by association'. He could still get arrested if he get busted together with them. Or getting caught in the middle of a shoot-out, just because he's at the wrong place at the wrong time.

 

I know men need their space, and I always give him alot of freedom and space so he can do his own things. That including set him free to hang out with his druggie childhood friends.

But after seeing some of them get arrested and throw in jail, I am in full worried mode. Now when ever he go hang out with them; I told him to text message me every few hours, so I can know that he is safe out there.

 

I know his friends is his friends, him is him. And I should not held him reliable for what his friends did; something he have no control over.

But I really want him to decrease hanging out iwth druggie childhood friends, but I feel that I am being very uneasonable if I ask him to do that.

 

The problem is: he is fully ware of them doing drugs, now knowing they transporting drugs too. Yet he acts like there is Nothing wrong, and still choose to continue hang around with them.

Him thinking he is smart, and know now how to keep himself out of legal trouble. Perhaps if one day he got arrested, then he will finally see that hanging out with the wrong crowd can possibily be fatal.

 

What would you if you were in my situation, would you broke up? Would you ask him to decrease/stop hanging out with his druggie childhood friends?

I love him so I admit I cater him, and spoil him alot; I tends to let him have things his ways. But sometimes I wonder if I should be more assertive regarding to his druggie friends.

I'm just so internally conflict right now. I know it a risk that I have to take if I want to be with him, I'm just trying to swallow this.

 

 

------------------------------------------------

May I get a Poll in this

I am being analytical, what you think it would be best to do:

 

1. Best to break up with him, he will eventually get himself in trouble.

2. Work it out with him, it is not his fault that his druggie friends got arrested.

 

I know my BF does not do drugs because we see each others everyday; we eat and sleep in the same bed. And I know his body smell too well, if there any different smell or drugs smell on his body, I would notice immediately.

I also do his laundry, so I know there is no drugs on his clothes. I never smell drugs on his body, or see any drugs substances on his face, hands, or skin.

 

You make the statement highlighted above and, yet, you are questioning his trustworthiness? How long have you been together? You cannot tell him who to hang out with nor should you project into the future that he MIGHT get into trouble. You said yourself that he pays attention to the fact that they do drugs and if he's around them and they do start doing drugs, he leaves. He is exercising caution here.

 

All you can and should do, is non-confrontationally let him know what your concerns are and don't push the issue. Make sure it's clear to him what your fears are. If he respects you enough, he will do things differently on his own. If he vehemently defends his relationship with them and tells you your fears are not important, then I would re-evaluate the relationship. He had these friends before you entered into a relationship with him and you had the same risks you have now.

 

I do agree that having those kinds of friends is not a good thing, but they are HIS friends and only he can decide what to do about them.

 

You need to get clear in your head as to whether or not it's a deal breaker for you though and be prepared to enforce it. Don't give him an ultimatum to say drop those friends or you're out. Just explain your fears and let him know just how important it is to you. If he doesn't respect that, be prepared to walk.

[HisPresence]

Even if I want to work it out with him, he is not working it out with me.

We talk about this many times and the problem is: he is fully ware of them doing drugs, and Now he knowing they transporting drugs too. Yet he acts like there is Nothing wrong, and still choose to continue hang around with them.

 

This is Not just the simple weeds stuff, come on this is the Hardcome drugs: Cocaine, Meth and Heroin here. Hardcore drugs like this ruin lives, break up families. And his druggie childhood friends are involved with use/transporting/sale them.

 

Despite my BF rough youth and he still has Not do drugs yet, this say alot about his strength of character, and I love him for that. But as a straight man, how can he see all the things his friends do, and still okay with it?

Just because he (himself) doesn't do drugs, so it is okay for him to be blindly loyal to his childhood friends whom use/transporting Hardcore drugs?

 

Due to the environment of where we live at, I see people get arrested for things like these before. I know situations like this would surface at some point in our relationship.

And I thought I am emotionally strong enough to handle this when it happened to my own boyfriend's childhood friends. But I underestimated the emotional impact of how it have on me.

 

I can't find myself strong enough to leave, I'm pretty much except his everything just to be with him. Sometimes I just wish that If he just go cheats on me, physically beaten me, or just kick me to the curve; then it would be much easier for me to let go.

Edited January 17, 2015 by HisPresence

[preraph]

As long as these are old friends, he's just not planning on getting rid of them but if it's true he's limited them to keep them out of his house, his car, that means he's been strong enough to confront them with that and is good. They might break in and steal stuff sometime, though, if they're addicts on hard drugs.

 

Do not make any future plans with this man yet. Do not escalate commitment. Put things in holding pattern and see how this plays out over a couple years' time so you can be sure he's actually telling the truth and is capable of keeping these friends out of your life. You can be honest with him about why. Tell him time is the only test to see if you can live with this situation or not.

[HisPresence]

You right 'preraph', I need to put on hold my future plans with this man. Let's just say he know how to protect himself, and not get in trouble for the next 5 years.

We end up get married and have a baby, and then one day he somehow he get arrested. Then I will have to raise the baby on my own while he in jail.

This is what I'm worried about. But I guess this is a risk I have to take if I want to be with him.

 

This thread indeed does make me sound very uneasonable, but it fine since I don't go into details of what kind of environment we living in, or his rough upbringing and background.

 

In my old post, I mentioned we are two Financial independent adults with our own job. I don't use a penny of his money, we go the "Dutch" style in all our dates. I help take care of his mom, cook and clean for him and I'm not even his wife yet.

Financially, I am fully capable of ending this relationship since I don't depend on him for money. Emotionally, I don't know if I can because I have feelings for him.

 

People call me doormat, but I don't see anything wrong with doing all these stuff for the man I care about.

I never calculate anything I do for him, or expect anything in return from him. To us Chinese women, doing all that is just our "duty", we never calculate those things with our man.

And I don't mind help take care of his mom. In our Chinese culture, married a man is like married his whole family anyways.

 

What really Hurt is he see Nothing wrong with the lifestyle of his druggie friends. The lifestyle of his friends use/transporting/sale drugs, as long as he doesn't do it.

When ever I tried to talk to him about his friends do weed/cocaine. He be like so what, as long as he doesn't do drugs like them.

 

Last week he saw them get arrested, so Now he know they transporting drugs too. Yet he still doesn't see anything wrong with it, and still choose to continue hang around with them.

I'm at the mercy of this relationship, hope that one day he can see that hanging out with the wrong crowd can possibily be fatal, given his background.

 

Even if he leave with me and start his life somewhere else. Will he truely be happy? When he away from all his childhood friends, away from the place he grow up in, away from the familiar surrounding environment that he used to for 29 years of his life.

And if he is not happy, would I be happy? When it come to this 'drugs' issue, we just don't have the same view, and we are having a 'values' clash on this.

Edited January 17, 2015 by HisPresence

[preraph]

Yes, it's troublesome he isn't worried about his friends' habits, but that's why only time will tell. Meanwhile, try to be happy and just see if he can keep them out of your life or not or keep from getting involved with drugs. Good luck.