Dating a man who feels guilty over his sexual desires

January 17, 2015

Would you date a man who feels guilty over his sexual desires? Why or why not? What if he never talks about his guilt feelings but he just secretly feels guilty after each sexual episode with you? In other words he has a secret ritual where he feels the need to atone for every sexual act with his girlfriend by inflicting physical pain on himself in some way to deal with guilt?

January 17, 2015

That would not work for me. Sex is to be enjoyed and relished in and appreciated, not something to be ashamed about.

January 17, 2015

But if you are enjoying sex what's it to you if he secretly harbors guilt over it? It isn't really your business. You got what you wanted from the sexual encounter and that's all that matters. If he is violating his own conscience each time he has sex with you then that's his affair and doesn't effect you.

Edited January 17, 2015 by Darren2013

January 17, 2015

But if you are enjoying sex what's it to you if he secretly harbors guilt over it? It isn't really your business. You got what you wanted from the sexual encounter and that's all that matters. If he is violating his own conscience each time he has sex with you then that's his affair and doesn't effect you.

It is my business, and does affect me. Sex is a shared experience. His pleasure is my pleasure. His guilt is my guilt. I don't want to have any negative emotions associated with something that's supposed to be pleasurable and bonding.

January 17, 2015

Depends on what he does and "how" he does it....

I saw a Sex and the City once where this guy Miranda was seeing, immediately after sex would want to shower...he did not even want to cuddle...He told her that he was raised with strict religious beliefs and felt he had to "purify" himself. Ok, I got it, he had to do what he had to do and showering doesn't hurt anyone, but couldn't he do a better job at hiding it? (i.e. Tell Miranda that he just wants to wash of the sweat, then will come back to cuddle? Geesh). I mean, the way he did it, he made Miranda feel like crap.

I get embarrassed from "doing my thing"...that's why I prefer to have sex w/o mum being in the home...I don't want my family/friends see/hear/know what I do in the bedroom. I mean, I don't even like playing certain songs in the home or in the vehicle when I'm riding with others. I don't want them to know that side of me exists.

What is it that you do to inflict pain on yourself? I mean, I have a bad picking habit...a lot of times its cuz of stress/anxiety, but also I do it to kinda "not make myself look pretty" to keep me away from going out there and having sex and/or meeting a guy (i.e. who wants to show off a face or chest that has been "picked").

Ever considered seeing a sex therapist about this?

January 17, 2015

I use a steak knife to cut my own throat and stomach and upper arm to watch myself bleed. I look in the mirror as I do it. I don't do that as much now because I'm not having sex with anyone but when I used to have sex that was my atoning ritual. After some of the dates I would go home and take 15-25 minutes in front of the mirror slicing myself. For what it's worth I felt better and slept better at night. Sometimes I would bite my own hand.

January 17, 2015

I use a steak knife to cut my own throat and stomach and upper arm to watch myself bleed. I look in the mirror as I do it. I don't do that as much now because I'm not having sex with anyone but when I used to have sex that was my atoning ritual. After some of the dates I would go home and take 15-25 minutes in front of the mirror slicing myself. For what it's worth I felt better and slept better at night. Sometimes I would bite my own hand.

I think you might want to consider professional intervention. This isn't normal post-sex behavior.

January 17, 2015

I honestly felt sad after i had broken my vow of celibacy so i understand the guilt thing......what eventually happened is that i ended the relationship because we were on two different life paths.....feeling guilty after sex is a sign you need to listen to what your heart is telling you sex is wrong for you at that point in time....or maybe even with that person in particular.... even down to types of sex you are having and its an issue you need to deal with..before continuing a sexual relationship that should ultimately bring pleasure not pain...for this reason i would not continue a relationship sexually with a man who felt guilty about being with me..i am not into causing someone pain either directly or indirectly..not my style.....i can gladly leave that alone.........deb

Edited January 17, 2015 by todreaminblue

January 17, 2015

I think you might want to consider professional intervention. This isn't normal post-sex behavior.

Well it isn't post sex but post date. After sex I would still lay in bed and cuddle with the woman I was dating and talk for awhile. Then when it was time for me to leave her place and go back home that's when the atonement activities would take place.

January 17, 2015

Well it isn't post sex but post date. After sex I would still lay in bed and cuddle with the woman I was dating and talk for awhile. Then when it was time for me to leave her place and go back home that's when the atonement activities would take place.

I don't see a real difference. Have you ever sought counseling?

January 17, 2015

I don't see a real difference. Have you ever sought counseling?

No I haven't.

January 17, 2015

No I haven't.

Would you consider it? I think it would be a great help to your emotional and physical well being.

January 17, 2015

What are you "atoning" for?

Cutting, from what I understand, is about anger, frustration....kinda like anger turned inwards.

When I was under a lot of stress, I wanted to beat the crap out of some people. There was nothing I could do. I wasn't gonna lose my job or go to jail over them...So, I'd pick. My face/chest looked horrible. It was rage turned inwards.

January 17, 2015

Would you consider it? I think it would be a great help to your emotional and physical well being.

I suppose I should get my mind wrapped around seeing somebody if I'm serious about having a successful love life with anyone really.

January 17, 2015

I honestly felt sad after i had broken my vow of celibacy so i understand the guilt thing......what eventually happened is that i ended the relationship because we were on two different life paths.....feeling guilty after sex is a sign you need to listen to what your heart is telling you sex is wrong for you at that point in time....or maybe even with that person in particular.... even down to types of sex you are having and its an issue you need to deal with..before continuing a sexual relationship that should ultimately bring pleasure not pain...for this reason i would not continue a relationship sexually with a man who felt guilty about being with me..i am not into causing someone pain either directly or indirectly..not my style.....i can gladly leave that alone.........deb

Agreed ^^...

Not sure if the OP took into consideration that maybe his cutting had to do with him being young and in an unhealthy RL with a bad chick.

January 17, 2015

What are you "atoning" for?

Cutting, from what I understand, is about anger, frustration....kinda like anger turned inwards.

When I was under a lot of stress, I wanted to beat the crap out of some people. There was nothing I could do. I wasn't gonna lose my job or go to jail over them...So, I'd pick. My face/chest looked horrible. It was rage turned inwards.

it can be about anxiety not knowing what to do ...being unable to cope with decisions or ultimately sadness that can cause you to cut.....its an issue ...self harm....a serious one ...its inner conflict.......i used to self harm.....mine normally led to an intervention......it was normally after something traumatic in my life caused me to feel out fo control......hopeless worthless...and i would take back control by cutting myself....such as if a guy beat me up....or i got beaten....i had no recourse but to take it out on myself....which was pretty stupid considering i already got a beating.....i would beat myself up a bit for being pathetic....and taking it and not defending myself...self harm is one thing for sure...and that is, its twisted......i remember once when a guy was hitting me i said to him come on you can do better than that......and i smashed my head into a concrete wall....and said to him see now that hurt......he stopped hitting me after that...

self harm is mostly about control gloria.......deb

January 17, 2015

it can be about anxiety not knowing what to do ...being unable to cope with decisions or ultimately sadness that can cause you to cut.....its an issue ...self harm....a serious one ...its inner conflict.......i used to self harm.....mine normally led to an intervention......it was normally after something traumatic in my life caused me to feel out fo control......hopeless worthless...and i would take back control by cutting myself....such as if a guy beat me up....or i got beaten....i had no recourse but to take it out on myself....which was pretty stupid considering i already got a beating.....i would beat myself up a bit for being pathetic....and taking it and not defending myself...self harm is one thing for sure...and that is, its twisted......i remember once when a guy was hitting me i said to him come on you can do better than that......and i smashed my head into a concrete wall....and said to him see now that hurt......he stopped hitting me after that...

self harm is mostly about control gloria.......deb

Agreed ^^

As a kid, I used to pick my knees...it was crazy in our home. I believe I was trying to have "some" sort of control. But, now that I look back, that also was probably rage turned inwards.

Then, over the years, I would get tattoos sometimes when I was stressed. It's funny, you do feel "relief" in the pain.

And yea, about the people I wanted to beat the crap out of? Yes, again I was in a situation where I believed I had no control of. Sometimes after an incident would happen, I'd run to the restroom or my seat and pull out my mirror and start picking.

January 17, 2015

But if you are enjoying sex what's it to you if he secretly harbors guilt over it? It isn't really your business. You got what you wanted from the sexual encounter and that's all that matters. If he is violating his own conscience each time he has sex with you then that's his affair and doesn't effect you.

From this ^^ and your use of "molesting" and/or "harassment" when it comes to women, I wonder if this is an issue of seeing women as Jerry Sandusky here?

I mean, you did post one time about a woman in the church performing certain acts on you. Not sure if at some point there was some form of molestation that took place or you had sexual curiosities that you mistook as something "wrong" or "molestation".

I mean, my fav podcaster gets certain calls. Kids check each other's privates and stuff - doesn't necessarily mean it's molestation. Kids are just being curious. Then, as we grow up, we may get into certain sexual situations (i.e. crush on a teacher), but again, I don't think that constitutes molestation and/or harassment.

But really, a sex therapist/counselor hopefully can help you sort out what's going on. Not sure if it's something from your childhood, bad RLs in your years of sexual development, etc.

January 17, 2015

Agreed ^^

As a kid, I used to pick my knees...it was crazy in our home. I believe I was trying to have "some" sort of control. But, now that I look back, that also was probably rage turned inwards.

Then, over the years, I would get tattoos sometimes when I was stressed. It's funny, you do feel "relief" in the pain.

And yea, about the people I wanted to beat the crap out of? Yes, again I was in a situation where I believed I had no control of. Sometimes after an incident would happen, I'd run to the restroom or my seat and pull out my mirror and start picking.

Darren is doing the same thing gloria...where you or i might get a tattoo(did this too....huge mistake....i actually got the name of the guy who ditched me tattooed on the back of my neck a humiliation pain thing) or smash our head into a brick wall darren feels a lack of control when having sex.......

my control that i have now in regards to self harm comes from giving my control over to god......i havent cut or self harmed in a very long time.....th situation where i was often beaten is no more again .....hasnt been for a very long time.....maybe the two are some sort of blessed union.....i am no longer out of control when it comes to who touches me...i will not allow myself to be hurt any longer or anymore.....including myself

.the holy spirit takes care of my heart when i feel out of control....and giving my will to god ...allows me the pure essence of control ...i give it...it is not taken from me.....i am stronger in spirit now than body.....and that has been a blessing....

as far as you darren goes you need to find an outlet where you feel peace not guilt and sex is not the outlet for you..however much you think you should be having sex..you feel out of control..you should not have sex if you know the outcome will be self harm.......you do need professional help darren adn strategies with how to deal with issues before they arise.........deb

January 17, 2015

I would think it's very interesting (tending to masochistic), as long as he didn't make me pray along with him.

But why hurt yourself?

January 17, 2015

Wow. That is some serious next level psychological stuff. What do you feel guilty about? Were you raised religiously or taught that sex was dirty? Were you abused or molested?

I would HIGHLY recommend a qualified sex therapist. If you were my partner I don't think I could stay with you unless you got help. Your guilt would ruin my pleasure and worry me for your mental well being.

Don't you want to get to the bottom of this?

January 17, 2015

Would you date a man who feels guilty over his sexual desires? Why or why not? What if he never talks about his guilt feelings but he just secretly feels guilty after each sexual episode with you? In other words he has a secret ritual where he feels the need to atone for every sexual act with his girlfriend by inflicting physical pain on himself in some way to deal with guilt?

This is an actual, serious dysfunction. Sometimes instead of turning that guilt and self-harm inwards, it gets turned outwards and the harm is inflicted on the partner.

These are the guys with the shallow graves under their crawlspace.

Walk away and don't look back. if he starts to follow you, RUN!

January 17, 2015

There is actually some study that has been done on the percentage of people who harm themselves in these kinds of contexts (especially sexual) who, if they are not treated, eventually move on to turning the harm outward. So oldshirt is not too far off.

I'd advise the OP to seek some counseling. Sexual dysfunction, self-harm, PUA type thinking, and atypical religious views can be a dangerous combination.

January 18, 2015

I met someone like that once and knew him for 4 years. Turns out he was gay. I knew it right away but it took him years to accept it. I never had sex with him but we dated and he got jealous if I saw other men, which I did since I knew he was gay. He had nightmares about me where he was going to hell, etc. He had hangups about sex in general and they seemed religiously-based, so you can imagine if he was too sexually frozen to deal with sex in general, then he had a tall mountain to climb before he could come out to himself as gay. I do not know if he ever got over his sexual shame, but he did finally go live with a gay guy friend who'd been after him forever, so I hope so.

Anyone who has these sex shame feelings needs to go to a psychologist and get to the bottom of them. It will cripple them for life, whether they're straight or gay. My mother did some sex shaming on me, so I know it only takes a small amount to make a big impact, but if you haven't gotten past it by say 21 years old, time to get some professional help and work through that so you can stop lurking and start living.

January 19, 2015

To the OP....

todreaminblue brought up some good points about "control" here and like I said, I'd pick my face/chest to try to stop myself from having sexual encounters and/or attracting guys at times - on top of me doing it for anxiety/stress.

Could it be that you are afraid losing "control" with women is where this cutting may come in? Like you're trying to control yourself from doing/feeling something?

I mean, I'm so afraid of trusting/connecting/loving that I've put myself in RLs that were casual and/or FWB over the years...Those RLs were gonna end, so when they did, I wouldn't have to worry much about being rejected/hurt - cuz it is what it is.

I think sometimes that is what was going on with my recent crush. I can/could tell he was attracted - but the staring at me, IMO, is like a sign of him obsessing. But, it doesn't materialize cuz he's afraid that he'll get close, maybe clingy, and probably hurt. So, when he sees me he turns away...and recently, the "ignoring" me and getting far away from me as quick as he can, well IMO, is him being like - I can't be near you cuz I want you that badly.

I mean, I remember one time he was like "no thanks", but is eyes were looking me up and down as soon as I walked up to him...so, as hard as he tries to hide the attraction, it's very obvious.

I don't think he's gonna cut me up and put me in a basement...that's why I while back when I caught him staring, I could easily walk up to him and let him know I saw him and ask him what's up. I just wish he'd not be so scared of me, cuz same way he might be scared of falling hard for me, same I am for him.

Maybe that's why he's with whom he is...it's nice, but not to the point where he'd be like obsessed/clingy...so, like me putting myself in a FWB situation, he also is putting himself in a situation that is "safe".

Or, this could be all in my head - like the Liminere thingy raised in that unrequited love thread...

**repeat to self "attracted, but not interested"**

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Dating a man who feels guilty over his sexual desires

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