When should I tell him?

January 17, 2015

I have this friend lets call such friend,Tom.

Tom is my very best friend. He has been there through thick and thin. He was there to support me when my ex best friend stopped being my friend, when my father passed, and when my ex was manipulating me . He took care of my pet rats for 4 + months because I was too depressed to care for them. He also helps me out financially when I cant get to school because I'm too broke or cant afford food ( I hate having to do this. I will pay him back once I start working again which I hope is soon) .He always had a thing for me but I turned him down. Two years ago after my ex best friend stopped being my friend I got really emotionally clingy and sorta kissed him. We ended up in a three day open relationship (It was really stupid and I'm really embarrassed about it. Yeah we are in college , makes it worse) . We went back to being friends and I see him almost everyday (Less when school is out as we are all in the same club). I talk to him a lot about everything . He is always up for anything I ask of him.

Fast forward to about two months from today

He was jealous of my ex . He always made comments about the guys I was seeing. It became toxic so I confronted him about it. He told me he was jealous and that he loved me. I became very upset because I thought we had gotten through that two years ago. He didnt tell me this but a friend of mine told me he felt like he was "running out of time" because I had told him I had developed a crush on someone in the school. This guy is now my boyfriend but Tom is still my best friend. I know I'll have to tell my boyfriend about me and Tom but I dont want to bombard him with so many "talks". We have been official less then a week. I already had a talk with him about not having sex. I have to tell him I just hate that I probably wont be able to hang out with him as much or sleep over at his house (I havent yet but I have a really bad home situation and someday may need too)

Any advice on when I should tell him and how? A guy in my school is spreading it around so he will find out sooner or later. I wanna tell him about it anyways . As for "Tom". He is acting fine but I can sense his mood when I cuddle with my boyfriend or talk about him. He is always saying how it doesnt bother him but I think it does. I dont know what to do. We are all in the same school. We all hang out together all the time. Tom is like my brother to me. I never wanted to be with him. He is way too clingy and I'm not attracted to him one bit.

Help.

January 17, 2015

Ah, the classic female in her natural habitat. After extracting all the resources she deems worthy from her prey (Tom) such as finance, emotional support, free meals, transportation, time etc, she swings onto another branch to a prey she deems more worthy of her affection and time.

Despite Tom's so called "unattractiveness", she was more than happy to keep him around because he offered things of value to her. Despite being fully aware of Tom's attraction to her, she was more than happy to string him along with kisses here and there and rare sex to keep him hypnotized to do her bidding.

Now Tom has nothing to offer her anymore and he has become, for lack of better word, an invisible man. Worthless and beneath her. Relegated to the depths of a dark, cold place until he is called up again to serve her when she needs his emotional support or finance.

January 17, 2015

Ah, the classic female in her natural habitat. After extracting all the resources she deems worthy from her prey (Tom) such as finance, emotional support, free meals, transportation, time etc, she swings onto another branch to a prey she deems more worthy of her affection and time.

Despite Tom's so called "unattractiveness", she was more than happy to keep him around because he offered things of value to her. Despite being fully aware of Tom's attraction to her, she was more than happy to string him along with kisses here and there and rare sex to keep him hypnotized to do her bidding.

Now Tom has nothing to offer her anymore and he has become, for lack of better word, an invisible man. Worthless and beneath her. Relegated to the depths of a dark, cold place until he is called up again to serve her when she needs his emotional support or finance.

That kiss was 2 years ago. I never had sex with him or anyone o_o

I still wanna keep Tom around. He is my best friend and I still hang out with him1 - 1 often .

Also Tom said I am like a sister to him and that he wants to stay friends and fears for our friendship ....

Edited January 17, 2015 by Photofinish

January 17, 2015

That kiss was 2 years ago. I never had sex with him or anyone o_o

I still wanna keep Tom around. He is my best friend and I still hang out with him 1 - 1 almost daily .

Of course he is your "best" friend and you still hang out with him. There are a lot of benefits for you in it so it's a no brainer that you still want him around in some capacity.

A quick search on the definition of friendship brings up "a relationship of mutual affection between two or more people".

One would have to be a fool to assume any friendship you have with him is mutual. He clearly wants one thing - a romantic interest from you (I'm not blaming you for this one) and you want nothing more than a platonic interest from him.

Any benefits in this "friendship" is clearly and purely one sided.

If you are really as innocent as you portray in your post and want us to believe, then you will cut him off completely right now. If you don't want to lead him on and continue being selfish, you will tell him the cold hard truth rather than stringing him along.

Don't just tell him you're not romantically interested in him and yet keep him around in friendship capacity to fulfill your needs when you know he clearly wants more.

Cut him off completely.

Of course, you will not do this. What crazy person would put an end to a situation where they are clearly gaining 100%? That would be insanity.

January 17, 2015

Of course he is your "best" friend and you still hang out with him. There are a lot of benefits for you in it so it's a no brainer that you still want him around in some capacity.

A quick search on the definition of friendship brings up "a relationship of mutual affection between two or more people".

One would have to be a fool to assume any friendship you have with him is mutual. He clearly wants one thing - a romantic interest from you (I'm not blaming you for this one) and you want nothing more than a platonic interest from him.

Any benefits in this "friendship" is clearly and purely one sided.

If you are really as innocent as you portray in your post and want us to believe, then you will cut him off completely right now. If you don't want to lead him on and continue being selfish, you will tell him the cold hard truth rather than stringing him along.

Don't just tell him you're not romantically interested in him and yet keep him around in friendship capacity to fulfill your needs when you know he clearly wants more.

Cut him off completely.

Of course, you will not do this. What crazy person would put an end to a situation where they are clearly gaining 100%? That would be insanity.

I tried cutting him off. He told me he sees me as a sister and doesnt want to lose our friendship. I spent about a week without talking to him and he was destroyed. I've told him again and again that I'm not interested in him .

I've been trying to see him less after he told me so he can get over his feelings but we always end up in the same hangout.

I would be willing to cut off our friendship but he understands that we wont ever be together and still wants to remain friends. Is that my fault? I'm not saying im innocent. I never said that . I've messed up a bit in our friendship two years ago . I cant undo the past . I can just move forward .

January 17, 2015

That kiss was 2 years ago. I never had sex with him or anyone o_o

I still wanna keep Tom around. He is my best friend and I still hang out with him1 - 1 often .

Also Tom said I am like a sister to him and that he wants to stay friends and fears for our friendship ....

No need to edit your post but in regards to saying he wants to stay friends. Of course, he wants to stay friends. In his mind, he thinks keeping you as a friend will give him hope in the future after you've gone through a train of exes.

He would rather be the invisible man in the background for the next few years until you have no one else then out of pity or desperation, you might get into a relationship with him.

Highly unlikely that will happen and he will just forever remain an invisible man or he might wake up one day...who knows?

January 17, 2015

No need to edit your post but in regards to saying he wants to stay friends. Of course, he wants to stay friends. In his mind, he thinks keeping you as a friend will give him hope in the future after you've gone through a train of exes.

He would rather be the invisible man in the background for the next few years until you have no one else then out of pity or desperation, you might get into a relationship with him.

Highly unlikely that will happen and he will just forever remain an invisible man or he might wake up one day...who knows?

If that is the case then I really hope he does wake up someday. I would love for him to find a relationship where he is happy and I'm aware we probably will not remain friends after that. That is fine with me. I want to see him happy even if it means loosing my best friend .

Sorry for the edit. It was done shortly after the post but didnt fix right away .

January 17, 2015

I tried cutting him off. He told me he sees me as a sister and doesnt want to lose our friendship. I spent about a week without talking to him and he was destroyed. I've told him again and again that I'm not interested in him .

I've been trying to see him less after he told me so he can get over his feelings but we always end up in the same hangout.

I would be willing to cut off our friendship but he understands that we wont ever be together and still wants to remain friends. Is that my fault? I'm not saying im innocent. I never said that . I've messed up a bit in our friendship two years ago . I cant undo the past . I can just move forward .

This contradicts what you said before. You already said you want to keep him around as a friend (aka your errand boy and your financial and emotional support) and you still hang out with him 1 on 1.

There's no shame in admitting what is obvious. You want the great benefits and resources he provides. I mean what human in their right mind wouldn't want a relationship that 100% benefits them?

Talking about how you tried to cut things off with him and all that is just you trying to rationalize your half hearted decisions and blatant indecision.

Deep down, you know exactly where you want and don't want him to be and that is serving your needs in a platonic way but not serving your needs in a romantic way. Deep down, you know I'm right.

January 17, 2015

This contradicts what you said before. You already said you want to keep him around as a friend (aka your errand boy and your financial and emotional support) and you still hang out with him 1 on 1.

There's no shame in admitting what is obvious. You want the great benefits and resources he provides. I mean what human in their right mind wouldn't want a relationship that 100% benefits them?

Talking about how you tried to cut things off with him and all that is just you trying to rationalize your half hearted decisions and blatant indecision.

Deep down, you know exactly where you want and don't want him to be and that is serving your needs in a platonic way but not serving your needs in a romantic way. Deep down, you know I'm right.

Okay well your opinion is fine and you're free to believe that however...

That doesnt answer my original question lol

January 17, 2015

I dont see the problem here, what exactly do yu need to tell your boyfriend about?

And Tom has hung around with OP knowing he has feelings but that they are just friends, that is his choice. If he couldn't handle that (he has no right to be jealous of your boyfriends) he shouldn't have remained friends.

January 17, 2015

Ok this is the best way you can fix this problem which I think its about Tom having a thing for you tell me if its not it but you should still do this

The very best thing you have to do and what you should have done already years ago is TRY TO HOOK TOM UP WITH SOMEONE.

Look this guy is obviously super lonely if he investing all of his time, money and emotional support for you a woman who will never be with him. Let me tell you what he thinks right now he feels that if he just there for you when it matters that if he becomes the man you need then you would realize that he is the man that you want and always wanted.

Unfortunately for him is that fantasies like these are stupid and never happen and most of the time if your feeling this way it probably means that your being taken advantage of.

SO what you should do is to help him find someone see if you have a friend who could be a good match or try to help him get out there. Give him advice on women how to approach women maybe suggest he change his appearance like clothes or haircut to be more appealing something anything. If I had to guess this guy probably never had a girlfriend before maybe not even a date before.

If you have to ask yourself "Did he have a girlfriend before?" then that is a strong sign that you are not his friend and are probably using him. So he has been pretty much been your hero and best friend for you this whole time with your dad and your ex and your pets and paying for your food going way beyond most people would ever do for someone. Based of what you wrote and I only know what you wrote but you basically from what you wrote only if not mostly gave him false hope and heart ache and money loss. Not really something a friend does.

Now is the time maybe even the best time now to return some favors and end this sad string along , give advice and be his shoulder and his ear to listen.

Be a BEST FRIEND and Help him get someone. Also if he has someone you dont have to tell your boyfriend that Tom has feelings for you because then Tom would have a girlfriend.

January 17, 2015

Ok this is the best way you can fix this problem which I think its about Tom having a thing for you tell me if its not it but you should still do this

The very best thing you have to do and what you should have done already years ago is TRY TO HOOK TOM UP WITH SOMEONE.
Look this guy is obviously super lonely if he investing all of his time, money and emotional support for you a woman who will never be with him. Let me tell you what he thinks right now he feels that if he just there for you when it matters that if he becomes the man you need then you would realize that he is the man that you want and always wanted.

Unfortunately for him is that fantasies like these are stupid and never happen and most of the time if your feeling this way it probably means that your being taken advantage of.

SO what you should do is to help him find someone see if you have a friend who could be a good match or try to help him get out there. Give him advice on women how to approach women maybe suggest he change his appearance like clothes or haircut to be more appealing something anything. If I had to guess this guy probably never had a girlfriend before maybe not even a date before.

If you have to ask yourself "Did he have a girlfriend before?" then that is a strong sign that you are not his friend and are probably using him. So he has been pretty much been your hero and best friend for you this whole time with your dad and your ex and your pets and paying for your food going way beyond most people would ever do for someone. Based of what you wrote and I only know what you wrote but you basically from what you wrote only if not mostly gave him false hope and heart ache and money loss. Not really something a friend does.
Now is the time maybe even the best time now to return some favors and end this sad string along , give advice and be his shoulder and his ear to listen.

Be a BEST FRIEND and Help him get someone. Also if he has someone you dont have to tell your boyfriend that Tom has feelings for you because then Tom would have a girlfriend.

I've lost count on how many times I have tried to do this. I've even taken his phone and messaged girls he only sees as "friends". I dont understand how I am taking advantage of him by remaining his friend when he also wants to . I'm at the end of the rope here. He wont date anyone else. I have tried many many times. I will pay him back once I get a job. I dont want to do it sometimes but I'm left with no other choice. I gave him false hope over two years ago. I thought we were over as I have dated after that and tell him often that it wont happen. I call him my brother every day and he calls me sister. I can only take so much blame here.... =/

The real question I have is that I feel like my boyfriend should know this information but I dont know when to tell him

January 17, 2015

Some people just don't take no for an answer. I find it odd that if you are just friends, that you need to fret over a chat with your boyfriend regarding the fact. I think you should just try to cut back on Tom, don't give in to clinginess.

I was in a similar situation recently and after a few months of clinginess and jealousy i had to just cut him out of my life. No matter how clearly i stated that it would never happen, he kept harassing me. Getting jealous of my friends, dates and even exes. Yet he insisted that he understood it would never happen and was happy to be friends! He wasn't!

January 17, 2015

Some people just don't take no for an answer. I find it odd that if you are just friends, that you need to fret over a chat with your boyfriend regarding the fact. I think you should just try to cut back on Tom, don't give in to clinginess.

I was in a similar situation recently and after a few months of clinginess and jealousy i had to just cut him out of my life. No matter how clearly i stated that it would never happen, he kept harassing me. Getting jealous of my friends, dates and even exes. Yet he insisted that he understood it would never happen and was happy to be friends! He wasn't!

Well I hang out with the guy alot and I just feel like he should know.

I agree that I should probably hang out with him less. I just figured it was okay since we are best friends but I dont want to keep hurting him.

January 17, 2015

Guys who have been wounded in the past will lay all the responsibility for Tom's feelings at your feet. But he's a grown ass man and is perfectly capable of making his own decisions and looking out for his own interests. I've had men who wanted to be more with me be my friends instead. It was mutually beneficial, as friendships are. Tom says he wants to be your friend. Let him.

Eventually Tom will meet someone who reciprocates his feelings and then you will naturally fade from importance. I'm still friends with these men in my life. They are now coupled and I enjoy their wives/girlfriends too.

What you do need to do is NEVER accept money from him again. You are young, and you let him do things for you that only family or partners do for others, but now you know better. Also, be honest about your new bf. The sooner you tell him the better. He's a big boy. He can handle it.

January 17, 2015

Alright so first off answer me the questions did he ever had a girlfriend? or even dated someone? this is important.

Okay now Im not judging you because some girls do take advantage of guys when they dont know it, they just think or want to be friends. So you're kinda taking advantage of him because he wants to remain friends because he still thinks that there is a chance with you. Some guys who are naive and inexperienced or shy think that the way to get a girlfriend is to basically be the friend that every girl wants even though they dont realize or believe that is what they are doing.

A person that she can talk, listen and confine to and by being this person she might develop feelings for him. Now maybe sometimes it may work but do this too long without making clear of his intentions and she'll see him as more of a brother and friend. Even if she rejects him mainly because they are friends they might still be friends and move on but some of these guys dont and hold out false hope deluding themselves that there still might be a chance that maybe he is not doing enough and sometimes goes beyond the call of duty a friend does.

Now from what Ive read it sounds like he is being used financially, emotionally, and as a servant mainly because it sounds like he gives and gives and you just take and take and use and use. Now every relationship is a give and take and friends have to lean on eachother sometimes especially best friends.

But if its one sided with the intentions of the guy doing most of the giving doing it because he thinks that his romantic feelings might be returned and the taker knowing he has romantic feelings it just looks like hes is being used. Now I get the impression that you don't have the intentions of using him but really just want to be friends with him. But by doing this your using him if his motive is not friendship. A lot of girls mostly young girls do this but don't realize it trust me.

You can save this friendship by eliminating his romantic feelings for you first and then return some favors and do nice things in return. The best way do to this is to get him a girlfriend and making clear that you dont view him that way which you have done.

Now you say that you message girls he only views as friends okay then you have to push a little more with him and depending on your answer of the first two questions I asked, this could mean a few things. Have you done anythings else?

January 17, 2015

No need to edit your post but in regards to saying he wants to stay friends. Of course, he wants to stay friends. In his mind, he thinks keeping you as a friend will give him hope in the future after you've gone through a train of exes.

He would rather be the invisible man in the background for the next few years until you have no one else then out of pity or desperation, you might get into a relationship with him.

Highly unlikely that will happen and he will just forever remain an invisible man or he might wake up one day...who knows?

I think this is also what's happening, and as long as you still hang out with him, he will still hold that hope and not "wake up" so long as he thinks he has a chance.

I think people forget how irrational love can make people. Yes, he's an adult and can make his own decisions, but know that his choice to try and be friends is likely clouded in false hope for something more.

January 17, 2015

Guys I really just do want to stay friends with him.

I do love him to, as a friend. I've tried hooking him up before It just doesnt work. He has never had a real girlfriend. I once tired to cut ties with him and he wouldnt stop harassing me .

One thing is for sure, I should hang around him less. That is true.

January 17, 2015

He has never had a real girlfriend. I once tired to cut ties with him and he wouldnt stop harassing me .

There it is and the reason he harasses you, he never had a girlfriend and thinks you are his best and maybe his only shot. Maybe you could help him in that department I mean why not he is your best friend maybe talk to him about why he hasn't what problems does he have? is he shy? ect ect .

Hanging around him less I mean at least give it one last shot and help him move on at least just leaving now at this point is kinda mean after everything he has done for you walking away without even trying to be a friend I dunno it sounds mean to me.

Just ask tell him you wantta set him up ask him whats his type that you know someone or think there is someone he might be interested in, get him a blind date. If he tries to avoid it you gotta push him a little because he might just be nervous.

If all else fails and he just wont let go of the hope that you two would be together then Id say give him the talk and cut ties with him repay the money and just put him out of his misery

The reason I say this is because I knew people from relationships like these where the guy holds out hope for a girl only to be disappointed from both sides where the other just wants to be friends and I admit I was kinda like this guy when I was younger and I've seen friendships still stronger and some ending.

January 17, 2015

Guys I really just do want to stay friends with him.

I do love him to, as a friend. I've tried hooking him up before It just doesnt work. He has never had a real girlfriend. I once tired to cut ties with him and he wouldnt stop harassing me .

One thing is for sure, I should hang around him less. That is true.

haha so when a girl says they love you or like you it can mean 2 things?! how do us guys know the difference?!! to me when a girl says she loves me or likes me it means more than a friend surely??

January 17, 2015

I never understood how women can keep someone as a friend after knowing that he is in love with them. I feel uncomfortable with seeing the way they look at me and how nearly every interaction gives them false hope. I try thinking out every sentence I say to be sure it can't be read into. I dunno how women can just disregard that and think of themselves only.

There are men that do that too, it's sort of like and ego-boosting back option that keeps on giving. No sympathy from me OP

January 17, 2015

I never understood how women can keep someone as a friend after knowing that he is in love with them. I feel uncomfortable with seeing the way they look at me and how nearly every interaction gives them false hope. I try thinking out every sentence I say to be sure it can't be read into. I dunno how women can just disregard that and think of themselves only.

There are men that do that too, it's sort of like and ego-boosting back option that keeps on giving. No sympathy from me OP

It's called selfishness and lack of empathy.

January 17, 2015

Why do I feel like the people here bashing me are taking from personal experience in the freind zone...

I am a terrible person because I am friends with my best friend? I cant control what he does. Ive tried to stop being friends with him and he refuses. I'm a bad person for looking for emotional support from my friend? Hey I once borrowed money from my girlfriend. Is that bad too? We both a bad at home situation and we both rely on each other for support. Yeah I had weird feelings for him over two years ago fueled by the loss of someone . Yeah I guess you can call it rebound and I regert it . I feel bad about it . I wish it never happened although we werent even as half close at we are now when it happened . He has constantly told me he cares about the friendship and does not want to lose it . He even told our friend this. I will not make another comment on that topic as it is not the point of this thread. If you think I am a terrible person then that's fine honestly . I know that at least I have a great friend in him and just like all good friends, there are bumps along the way. If he meets someone (Which would make me very happy) and I am cast aside then I will manage. I would be a good friend and make that introduction myself but I've introduced him to all available woman in my life (I dont have many girlfriends but a over storage of male friends haha) . Btw he is never going to be an "option" so no ego - boosting needed. I get more then enough of that daily lol.

UPDATE: I told my boyfriend about this all. He was fine with it and was glad I told him. He says he trusts me and that we should hang around him less to spare his feelings . I agreed however I will be there whenever he needs me and will talk to him over text or messaging .

January 17, 2015

i think you need to be honest to both men......it is possible to have feelings for someone and be their friend,as adults we choose when to act and when to not....you have to have respect for friends and that includes not acting on satisfying your own feelings but considering the other person and how they feel first

when i knew there were feelings of possible jealousy surfacing in an ex when i date....i remind them that i supported them and whomever they dated ...i supported them and their relationships......that i was always happy for them when they met someone special.....that is friendship.....when it goes beyond that feeling of happiness for them and impedes your own happiness....thats when you search your heart and be honest about whether friendship will work with that person....sometimes it cant work and you need to be mature and decide if that is the case.....always be honest and open and incite honest and open communication

never accept financial help from a guy who has feelings for you.....especially when another relationship with another man is what you have...it is an expectation....however much they say it isnt...it is..........pay him back as soon as possible never borrow money again..treat him like a friend and do not rely on him to be your everything in times of need....you have a boyfriend that is what a boyfriend is for..especially emotional support.....talk to your bf above others...even a best friend....your bf should be that best friend....minus financial help...ask your family first...if you need to ...not a man who has feelings for you or a man you feel for......ever.....involving money ....in my mind is never a good idea..........deb

Edited January 17, 2015 by todreaminblue

January 18, 2015

Borrow money from your boyfriend, girlfriend or relatives and pay back Tom. Better to owe them than him. And don't borrow any more! Get a part time job or sell some of your things.

Tell him because you value his friendship you are cutting contact so he is free to meet someone better for him. When he finds that someone, you would be happy to meet her and maybe the four of your can double date.

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