Barbeh Posted January 17, 2015 Posted January 17, 2015 Alright, so this is my first ever relationship I've had. We met when I was 20 and he was 28. He told me he loved me 3 months into the relationship and we've just been through a lot together... his grandma and dad dying, my great grandpa dying... he went to jail for something really stupid (fishing without a license) and I had to help him move out because of it and just so many things. He had to deal with my stress being in school and work throughout our entire relationship, my insecurities with being with a man for a long time and has been pretty patient with me. This is also the longest relationship he's been with someone before. The first was a high school one and the other was when he was 20-22. I was his first serious relationship with a 6 year gap in between. These last 6 months have been rocky... I got a new job that was closer to my parents house so I decided not to move in with him when he asked me to. We barely saw each other because we had basically completely opposite schedules. These last 2 months I noticed he was acting a little "off". He wouldn't sleep with me anymore, we barely talked anymore because there was so much tension, he wouldn't invite me out with his friends, he would leave me at his place alone for hours at night when I said I was going to spend the night. The next day, I would ask who he was with and he would be very vague... He never was like that and would always at least call me if he was going to be out late. So I blamed it on cheating (which I never had the feeling he has done before) and would accuse him of it and he would deny, deny, deny. I would also consistently ask every week or so "what was up? What's going on?" and he would say, "nothing..." But I had the feeling he was... On Jan. 1, I had a rough new years' eve, no one invited me out, not even him, so I was over at his place in the morning and was crying because I felt lonely... He said he felt bad, and was sorry... I accused him of cheating again and he said "I value our relationship, I'm just a little bored, and I'm not sure if we're in a rut"...I took him to work. I asked for his keys so I could go to his place and calm down before I had to work. I didn't expect to find anything, but I went on his computer and found a flower receipt for someone DOWN THE STREET. That said "I hope to spend more time with you in the New Year" I couldn't believe it! I actually went over to the girls house, not to fight... but to get an understanding of what was going on... She answered the door and let me inside... She denied she had flowers from him "What flowers? I don't know what you're talking about" (I saw them on her counter..) and she was just... not very helpful at all about my situation but said that he said we broke up 2 months ago, but he only had lovely things to say about me. We exchanged Facebook names and I said I would let her know what was going on, and she was okay with that. I KNOW for a fact she didn't know about me (because I snooped again...) and yet was so reluctant to let me know what was going on. I went back to his work to confront him and he just said he would talk to me later. But basically we were broken up at that point... He met up with me at his house the next day and said she was a "friend" (he knew her from high school, but this is the first time I've heard of her, and he said this was the first time in 10 years he's talked to her) and nothing was going on, and he just wanted to have some fun because I wasn't around... I told him you don't give "friends" flowers and hang out with them because they are conveniently down the street, AND you would tell me about them. I still had my reservations about his explanation about her.. She is also the opposite of me... When I snooped, I saw their Facebook conversations... They were indeed flirty and... odd. The way she talks is something I know he doesn't like. She writes childishly and just isn't what he likes. I know his type of girl too-- usually in shape and petite. She's very tall... and for lack of better words... had a pot belly. So I'm thinking she's a rebound... She also showed jealousy/insecurity when he wasn't responding back to her promptly. I didn't look too far back because I was just shaking from anxiety. I'm not sure if he lied so he wouldn't "hurt me" or I dunno... He was emotionally cheating on me and not physically.... but I found out the next 2 days after the official break up he had sex with her and she was sleeping over... from the FB messages High school friend, down the street, she works from home... so basically she's always available and they have things to talk about from back then. So after the initial hurt, I was not sleeping, eating, panic atttacks, constant anger towards him and basically lost 6 lbs in 1.5 weeks. Then we met up again at a coffee shop a week after what happened and he told me more... that he still loved me, that he was sorry that this happened, that he made a huge mistake going about it in this way.... and that he is going to try to just focus on himself and not talk to her (I wasn't sure about that part...) or me, and in a couple of months we can see where we stand. And that he likes the idea of possibly moving in together when I start my OTHER job (I'm in a contract job now and accepted another that would start in March) that would be down the street from him. I tried NC... lasted 3 days because my mind was just reeling... I wasn't as angry anymore... I understood why he probably went it about that way... We weren't communicating well, I was reluctant to commit to him (moving in, he even talked about marrying me), the distance, and basically we just ended up comfortable in our relationship... and whenever I got mad at him I would just ignore him and go to my place. I still deeply loved him and wanted this all to work because I realized my own mistakes. I told him all this and he has been slightly responsive. (Jan 11) "Sorry I have been busy at work today, I haven't read your messages yet but I will. I am super tired but I'll talk to you tomorrow. Cheer up though, I don't want you to be sad." and when he read my msg: "I understand, you know I think you're great, I just need to figure out my school and work stuff. I'll talk to you later, trying to be productive" (Jan 14 when he responded) Then, the next day I got a phone call from the jail phone company saying an inmate is trying to contact me. I was worried it was him but I lot of people online were saying the number was a scam.. I called some jails anyway and they said he wasn't there. I messaged him just in case, to respond if he was actually in jail. And then I figured he was with the other girl... He messages me " I'm okay, they let me out, no charges. It was for old fines. Talk to you tomorrow" I tell him back: " are you ok? Just let me know if you need anything. And I mean 'are you ok' beyond the jail stuff. If you need to talk I'm here, I'm off Saturday" To which he responds: " Everything is ok, talk to you soon" So... I just don't know how to view all this... I really have tried to be thoughtful throughout this process when I realized my own mistakes. But I also realize I probably came off as desperate. He always says he'll "talk to me" and then reached out to me when he thought I could help him out of jail... says he thinks I'm great, and still loves me. But his contact with me is very short, and limited. Should I try NC again? I really want to give us another chance, where I would be willing to commit if that's what essentially drove him away. I have said this to him bluntly, so he knows.... I'm just not sure what to think...I'm just curious as to what everyone else has to say. I've read that many long term relationships where one person doesn't commit ends up with the other looking for someone else... which is what happened, but I also think she's a rebound..
Author Barbeh Posted January 17, 2015 Author Posted January 17, 2015 bump... sorry I'm struggling with this and just want some perspective from others more knowledgeable than I am with relationships
LadyLee Posted January 17, 2015 Posted January 17, 2015 Barbeh, I'm sorry that you are going through this! From what you have said it sounds like u guys def need space-NC. You can't force someone to be with you. How much respect does he have for you or your relationship? It doesn't sound like it. How can he sleep with a woman while you guys were still together!? If he were sorry, he'd come to you. He only seems to come to you on his terms. You need to clear your head. It's going to be really hard, but he won't respect you if you don't respect yourself. I'm not trying to be insensitive, but care about yourself too much to take this from him. Lee
Author Barbeh Posted January 18, 2015 Author Posted January 18, 2015 Thank you for responding. He slept with her 2 days after our "official break up" but was emotionally cheating on me... I get what you're saying about not respecting me. But I think it was his way of getting rid of me in some aspect; by acting distant... And not telling me what was bothering him. And probably hoping I would break up with him first and not find out about this other girl. He talked about being bored with me since we stopped doing things together and wasn't sure where our relationship was going because of all the distance, we've had and no time to see each other. Which is why I think he started talking to this girl who happened to be down the street... She could spend time with him. I realize he didn't make much of an effort, but neither did I until he started acting weird. It wasn't until a week after when everything happened and we met up did he explain a little more of where he was coming from, which pretty much stemmed from my lack of commitment (moving in/ignoring his marriage talks). Which sucks... Just wish he could've expressed himself earlier though. I didn't think it was an issue until it was too late.. I'm just so busy most of the time... And I was basically waiting until it was closer to my new job to talk about moving in with him again. Working on no contact as of last night
Marco Valerio Posted January 18, 2015 Posted January 18, 2015 If I was you, I will definitely cut him off. When BU involve 3rd persons...It's better not looking back. Someone who goes for someone new meanwhile they are in a relationship, only means they don't respect their partner at all. I should recommend to go NC. I'm sorry for your pain. You have all our best wishes. 1
bigtrouble Posted January 18, 2015 Posted January 18, 2015 (edited) He slept with her 2 days after our "official break up" but was emotionally cheating on me... pretty much stemmed from my lack of commitment (moving in/ignoring his marriage talks). Which sucks... Just wish he could've expressed himself earlier though. I didn't think it was an issue until it was too late.. I'm just so busy most of the time... And I was basically waiting until it was closer to my new job to talk about moving in with him again. Working on no contact as of last night I feel sorry a relationship end this way, thing is you don't cheat on someone you love. If there are issues you sit down and talk about it and make it work, it should have come from the person pinning for it. He acted in the way he did "cheating" and he is trying to pin on you the guilt that it was because of your lack of commitment. Clearly I have to agree with everyone here, there is no respect. You are right to go NC on this one... I do admire your fortitude on how you handle this in a calm emotional level. Edited January 18, 2015 by bigtrouble
Author Barbeh Posted January 18, 2015 Author Posted January 18, 2015 Thanks guys.. I have already forgiven him which is why I am just emotionally ok with what he did and would be able to move past it if he contacts me. Because I get it... And I just think he was trying to see if the "grass is greener" while holding on to me too. I read somewhere this also happens a lot in long term relationships when one person doesn't commit as well; he turns to someone else who can give him what the other person can't at that point. But he really should've just broken up with me and not waited so long for me to develop suspicions of cheating. But definitely yes he should have communicated with me and I told him that was the most important thing we should be doing together when we met up the first time.
Purepony Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 Please do yourself a favor and move on. This guy is an idiot! He wants to have you both he doesn't care please leave him!
David87 Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 You deserve better. Start NC and don't look back.
Lion Heart Posted January 21, 2015 Posted January 21, 2015 I'm imagining your pain and confusion and your so many questions. You express yourself so well here. This was a very long relationship for you to have to give up. Especially in this way, where you thought you had trust and boundaries and a future together. I guess it got just too hard for him to keep his end of the bargain. Were you worth going the extra mile for? Totally sounds like it! You sound like you've had your head together for years on career, work and commitment. It's totally HIS LOSS! While you're still in contact, pining for him, checking on him, he KNOWS he's got you waiting "just in case" this new thing doesn't work out. NC shows him you've moved on too. You may find, once he gets the shock of realizing you've closed the books on him, a short burst of interest from him. Just to keep you hanging in there. He's using your heart broken state to take advantage of all bases. NC gives you the time to spend more time with your friends, family but most importantly yourself! After all those years in a committed relationship, now you can say YES to any invites to anywhere! You can invest in yourself. You can plan your next NYE! How dare he leave you alone at his house while HE goes out on the town! That's bad. Sounds like he was punishing you IMO. What did you do wrong? You think he was pi**ed at you for not moving in with him? Getting engaged? Getting MARRIED? ?? I reckon your instincts were RIGHT ON. If he was "bored" by the distance, do you think he'd be excited at paying off a mortgage? Changing babies nappies month after month? Marriage isn't for the feint hearted. It's no bed of roses (often) and it can be monotonous and boring BUT A long distance relationship can be exciting! Buying your first home is exciting! Babies are incredible WITH THE RIGHT MAN. IMO he's trying to let you down softly. NC is the only way. Take heart Lion Heart. 1
Author Barbeh Posted January 22, 2015 Author Posted January 22, 2015 Thanks Lion Heart So.. things got a bit messy. I did the no contact thing and then he asked me to help him around school since he was trying to start up. So we met up on Tuesday (1/20). He was a mess... those two weeks he was "curtly but friendly responding" to me, was not him trying to ignore me. Note to mention: he has NEVER lied to me until he was lying to me about the "double life" he was leading with her and me (he's also a very bad liar which is why I could tell there was something amiss in our relationship). This is why I can say all this since most of it came from his mouth. He basically delved into a very toxic relationship with this girl he was emotionally cheating on me the last couple of months and has been physically with her the last 2-3 weeks when I was out of the picture from Jan 1. He only spoke to her via internet when he was with me. When I was out of the picture they were spending all their time together. She was the one that basically got him thrown into jail for a night because she hit him outside a bar and the cops saw. She's a pill popper (uppers AND downers) and mixed with alcohol she turns crazy. She has to take Adderral to get out of bed in the morning. She's apparently been obsessed with me ever since I met her at her house. I'm a topic that comes up pretty frequently. I told him it was because I shattered her fantasy life that was just "you and her" and she can't deal with the fact that there are other people that you care about, or vice versa. She's also been trying to make him think that I was driving by her house, sending her crazy messages, to which I asked him if she SHOWED any of this to him. No, of course not. And apparently I hacked her computer. She's been manipulating, lying, extreme jealousy, making scenes in front of people, and just mentally imbalanced (she sees a therapist). She apparently had a very rough childhood, but also very rich, and got hooked on pills since high school. And I'm thinking he's sticking around because of pity, mixed with the infatuation of her being a high school crush (from over 10 years ago). As of now, it's beyond me trying to "save" our relationship, I'm seriously worried about his well being; he "lost" his rent money and I could tell he gained weight, he mentioned he feels guilty about his dad's death that happened a few months ago, this girl is treating him like trash, and I just don't understand why he won't let her go. He can't tell me why other than this emotional blackmail of her "rough past" or that it's "good" sometimes. I had to make him realize a lot of things that he didn't see she was doing to him. And he's still hesitant to cut ties with her and kinda wants to be her friend. I had to tell him like a child that friends don't treat people the way she has, and if she was a true friend she would be bringing you up emotionally/physically/etc., not down. I told him I could only talk to him so much, but if he continues to see her, I can't be around at all as a friend because it would be a complete waste of time for me if he's not willing to see and help himself. I hate to see the downward spiral go down further if I'm out of the picture, but I know he has to figure this out on his own... but fast.
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