Do You Attract Crazy Dates?

[WonderKid]

There is something about me that just attracts women who are mentally unbalanced! I met a woman online not long ago. Now I do feel sympathy for her PTSD; she was raped by a pastor and her father at younger ages. But besides that, she told me something that had my spidey senses tingling. She told me how her family is scared of her. And I'm thinking to myself, why is that? The more I talk to her, the more unstable her life seems, and her mind as well.

 

Do these types of men/women gravitate to you often? It seems like those women I do run into, they do not hesitate to tell me some of their dark secrets. Why? Why confide to me so much? I mean, woman that has been raped, I don't mind hearing about it eventually, but as early as that? I don't know.

[365daysgone]

All the timean. I'm starting to think there are no normal girls out there. But then again Tinder is my main source for dating so what do you expect?

[Redhead14]

There is something about me that just attracts women who are mentally unbalanced! I met a woman online not long ago. Now I do feel sympathy for her PTSD; she was raped by a pastor and her father at younger ages. But besides that, she told me something that had my spidey senses tingling. She told me how her family is scared of her. And I'm thinking to myself, why is that? The more I talk to her, the more unstable her life seems, and her mind as well.

 

Do these types of men/women gravitate to you often? It seems like those women I do run into, they do not hesitate to tell me some of their dark secrets. Why? Why confide to me so much? I mean, woman that has been raped, I don't mind hearing about it eventually, but as early as that? I don't know.

 

Women who were abused/raped as children develop a skewed sense of who they are and what roles people play in their lives. They are confused and seek comfort from men because they want to have that "father" figure they never had and will usually have sex with a man quickly because they think it's expected of them.

 

They will acknowledge their abuse as well so as to play upon a man's sympathies so as to have them as sort of a "rescuer" as well. They want to be comforted.

 

This woman's relative's are afraid of her because she has flashbacks which are part of the PTSD diagnosis. Flashbacks cause people to be pulled backward and very deeply into a past experience and they can become violent, withdrawn, and lash out for no apparent reason to a bystander who isn't aware of the abuse or how it affects the victim. What is happening is the woman feels as if she is actually experiencing the abuse or incident(s) right now rather than understanding it's not really happening at the moment. It is a scary thing to see.

 

As to why these types are drawn to you . . . it is likely, and they are very astute at picking up on sympathetic, kind attributes in a man. Not only that, there are many, many women with similar issues than we realize. Not all of them are stuck in their past, however. It's just numbers.

[slizl]

I think everyone's got a little crazy in them...Some are just better at hiding it than others.

[WonderKid]

Maybe it is the kindness. I don't judge folks. And I invite them to conversation. I seem to attract the ones that had something traumatic happen in their life--like some traumatic abuse. I never know how to handle such that.

[Danda]

I am the crazy date.

 

That said, yes it's probably your kindness and lack of judgemental attitude, if you're a kind and accepting person overall.

 

I tend to find myself pulled towards people who are the total opposite of past abusers, and then unhealthier aspects of me feel pulled towards people who remind me a great deal of past abusers.

 

The latter is something I've gotten much better about recognizing early on and nipping in the bud, thanks to a boatload of therapy work, but the former still happens.

 

It's a sort of supply/demand thing. It generally takes someone who is empathetic and understanding from the outset for a "crazy date" to be able to proceed initially. This means that people like yourself, who are not a majority, are the only possible options for all of us crazy people who are in that transitional stage of not going after new abusers, yet still being a bit too wonked-out and timid to proceed unless we see clear signs of compassion and acceptance.

 

And there are plenty of crazy people. More crazy people than blatantly empathetic and accepting people, for sure.

 

So yeah, you probably have a bit of crazy-funnel pointed at you, in this regard.

 

But please don't try to hide or throw away those parts of you. They're awesome. Just establish very solid and clear boundaries to bounce off anything you don't want to deal with. Empathy and compassion are not weaknesses. They just require those serious boundaries to protect you from being taken advantage of or over-burdened by people looking for someone to be their personal therapist.

 

IMO the best way to handle it if a date mentions something like that, is to give a very simple and genuine, "I'm sorry you went through that," and then transition into a more pleasant topic.

 

If the person still has serious hang-ups or is looking for a personal therapist, then chances are they won't let it go and will keep coming back to that topic, or just override your transition completely and keep going.

 

If the person is simply the type to respect you enough to be upfront about a potential deal-breaker, your acknowledgement + lack of negative reaction will be enough for them and they'll be able to continue the rest of the conversation normally.

[WonderKid]

^^^ Thanks I did not think of it in that way. I guess these are not traits to give up I just need to do like you said and set boundaries.

[Danda]

^^^ Thanks I did not think of it in that way. I guess these are not traits to give up I just need to do like you said and set boundaries.

 

That is my perspective, definitely. I think there isn't nearly enough empathy and compassion in the world, so I would always encourage someone to guard such character assets fiercely, both by holding onto them but then also by protecting them with very strong boundaries.

 

Unfortunately some crazy-folk get into dating waaaay too soon when they still have a lot of very important healing work to do. It's not your obligation to fix or save these people. If they impose that upon you instead of doing the hard work themselves in therapy, then they're being selfish and entitled (although they might not realize it, but it's still true).

 

And then there are also slimy types who will use past tragedy (real or bogus) as crutches and pity plays. Not only will they suck the life out of you, but they make those of us who are taking responsibility for and working on actual issues, look bad.

 

But there are also plenty of people who have gone through some crazy ****, have done solid work in the healing process and will just always be a little bit affected in some way or another. They might just want to tell you about something like the PTSD they're actively working to overcome, so that it doesn't wind up being a deal-breaker like 2 months into dating, or even worse, have it come across like they tricked you into signing up for something. Few things I hate worse than when someone feels sorry for me. It ruins everything. The rest of the friendship (or whatever bond it is) will always feel uncertain to me because I don't know if they actually like me or just feel bad for me. So this is one reason they might tell you upfront, so you can bail before getting invested if that's what you need to do.

 

Lots of good articles out there on having healthy boundaries, though.

 

Just always remember that it's not your job to fix or save people, you don't have to do / discuss anything you don't want to, and your emotional needs are just as important and valid as someone's who has a bad past or whatever.