Conundrum Posted March 29, 2005 Posted March 29, 2005 Yo, Alright, so my situation "typical or untypical" explains all the details, however, it leads out to what I think is an important factor. My ex, who is 20, is extremely in love with horses. She says that it is her dream to own a horse and live on a lot of land. In fact she started college in hoping to major in farm management. That didnt work out so now she is a latin major and want to teach. Well, one day the conversation about horses came up, and i was commenting on how much they cost to maintain, about 10 grand a year, she knows this too. I am 25, live in the real world (out of college), and said it would be extremely difficult to do. About half of her income would go towards just one horse, not to mention the money she would need to buy the land. Sometimes I wounder if she is living in a dream world. Anyways, I think I hurt her feelings pretty bad but i was telling the truth. I think that could be the reason she broke up with me. I mean, until this conversation, we talked about marriage. She even gave me a picture of ring that she wanted for the engagement. I guess what I am asking is, by telling her the truth and how hard (financially) it would be make her "dream" come true, would a woman break up with someone because of this? She did mention during the break up about how people shouldnt change for someone else. Anyways, thanks.
Butterflye Posted March 29, 2005 Posted March 29, 2005 I think that you did obviously change the image that she has of you in her mind. If this has been her dream, she will definately want someone who will support her in this aspect of her personality and you have obviously just shown her that you don't fully 100% support her in this. However, while she may have dumped you over this now, he may have just been over-reacting. Give her some time, a little bit of space and then try and talk to her. Try to ask her if this was the reason why she broke up with you. If you love her, i'm sure you'll be able to try and tell her how you do still want to support her in her dream. She NEEDS to know you support her. If you two were contemplating marriage even, hopefully your love for each other will help to reconcile the situation.
Barby Posted March 29, 2005 Posted March 29, 2005 Maybe she was expecting YOU to buy/help maintain the horses....you said.... About half of her income would go towards just one horse, not to mention the money she would need to buy the land. So maybe her "dream" was for you two to work together to have a horse farm?!?! Maybe when you said this it crushed her plans of a future with you?
Author Conundrum Posted March 29, 2005 Author Posted March 29, 2005 I appreciate all your input. Its just that I dont think she realizes how much money that is. I mean aside from car payments, student loans, house payments, bills etc. it will be hard. I am out of college now and realize life isnt easy and you dont always get what you want. The pleasure of a dream is that it is a fantasy. If it ever comes true, then it was never a dream to begin with. I am just trying to be as realistic as possible.
Pocky Posted March 29, 2005 Posted March 29, 2005 There's nothing wrong with dreaming. Even if it never happened and she was never able to do it, there's no reason for her just to give up on her dream because you think it's impossible for her to do. It's atypical for people not to have dreams. Most people do have dreams even if they know they'll never come true.
Author Conundrum Posted March 29, 2005 Author Posted March 29, 2005 I am not saying that dreaming is wrong, I just think sometimes we all need a reality check. Maybe this is even my reality check to determine how much i truley do love her. I would like to compromise or at least talk, but she wont even give me the day or time. I really thank everyone for their feed back.
Pocky Posted March 29, 2005 Posted March 29, 2005 What it basically comes down to is that you believe that since you're twenty-five and living in the real world that you have some worldly knowledge about reality that she, as a twenty year old in college doesn't have. Your priorities are different and the way you view the world is different. She's only twenty - don't make her grow up faster than she has to simply because you've already been jaded by life.
Butterflye Posted March 29, 2005 Posted March 29, 2005 If she isn't responding to your calls, then you need to just step back a bit. Also, as you said, maybe this is the reality check YOU need. She's obviously upset because no one likes to be told that their dreams cannot be fulfilled. However, I do think she has takn it a little to heart because, especialy as we get older, we all do have to realise that as much as we want our dreams, that there is the possibility (for some people slim, for others, very large) that our dreams just will never materialise. Have a small reprive from her. Think about how much you love her. Do you want to be with someone who will over-react so harshly jsut because you tried to give your input/insight into a situation? It is slightly immature on her side after all to take your comments so to heart that she will dump you over it. I don't know how long ago this happened, so maybe she just needs a few days to chill. You maybe need these few days too to think about your relationship and how much you want it. After a few days, if she hasn't contacted you (say, a week), then probably you should contact her - she seems she could be a bit determined and hard-headed if she can dump you over this - so possibly leaving it too long will make her want to just tell you to go away completely. Talk to each other, see where you stand. I hope all goes well for you. P.S. Thank you fo your advice on my thread...really appreciated
boursin_cheese Posted March 30, 2005 Posted March 30, 2005 Tum bene fortis equus reserato carcere currit cum quos praetereat quosque sequatur habet. Which translates to something like: The spirited horse trying to win the race of its own accord, runs even faster if encouraged. *grin* Oh, I'm so much older than 20 and I still held out for a grey gelding of my own... I don't mean the man either! You sound like a very good man. So good that mentally, you're taking on more responsibility than you need to at this point and in order to gain balance within yourself, you want to limit your sweetheart's expectations. Really, this isn't so different from other discussions of how to share money and responsibilities and since you've been discussing more serious commitment, she probably is just sharing something important to her and feeling you out. Believe me, she knows it's expensive. I don't think she's asking for a donation to her cause. I think she is really just sharing a dream with you. Like you said, the farm-management major didn't work out... There's no harm in saying "If that is what you want I'll be cheering you on." It's not leading her on to be supportive of a dream because right now, it's just a fantasy. In my experience there isn't much to gain by holding back your buy-in at the dreaming level. Also, you don't need to put things in terms of: Well, if we do this, then we can't do that... If this is important, she'll make it work for herself with or without you. It's not really about the money. The two of you just need a safe place to meet in between pie-in-the-sky and cold-comfort. Also, you'll need to each speak the other's lingo a bit. In the horsey world, many younger, inexperienced and/or less financially equipped people share leases. This is where there is either one owner or co-ownership of the animal and the lessors each pay in for a share of the horse. This means they share boarding expenses, medical expenses and of course, exercise time. It's a very realistic way of learning the ropes with a sort-of safety net. I got the impression that she doesn't have her own horse yet. Is that right? There are other paths to the horse farm destination too -- like equine rescue, riding camps, becoming a trainer... equine-specific health care. We're some people that care about our horses! There are lots of places to buy used tack, saddles, boots, you name it. Even riding lessons. When I was in high school I traded my time for riding lessons -- mucked out stalls all afternoon, exercising other people horses, doing lead training, watching the kids. I loved it. You know, nothing smells as good as horse dung in my opinion. My family was less than enthralled with the smell that accompanied me, but I'd been riding since I was a little, little kid and it was what I wanted and they wanted me to be happy. Odor notwithstanding! I never got serious enough to make the Olympic team here (my dream). Eventually, I put that dream in it's place -- I wanted to try other things. Just be honest and tell her you got kind of freaked about whether or not you'd be able to support her financially in the endeavor and when you calmed down, you realized that everyone is allowed to dream and for real, you just want her to be happy in whatever she does and you hope it's going to be with you... You don't have to make any promises and you don't have to be financially committed to the dream venture. Just be there to listen and learn with her... There are some nice Latin stories about horses -- you can really get some points for combining her two, no wait, three loves... find a copy of The Art of Love, Book III (Ovid, Ars Amatoria) in the Latin and let her translate for you. If you like Latin it;s kind of sexy. There are MANY horse references and they're appropriate to this thread too! Cheers! b.c.
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