KittyTiger Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 (edited) I've been in a meaningful relationship with this girl for almost 3 years. We've shared a lot of things, got extremely closed, relied closely on one another and treated each other perfectly. I did something wrong that hurt her (does not involve a 3rd party) and she left me after considering it for quite some time (a few months). I did NC for slightly less than a month, we then met and went out again as friend. Unfortunately being friends hurt me a lot as she couldn't stop ignoring me and she kept saying she saw signals of me still loving her. I couldn't stand it and decided to have what I call a "100% honest" session with her, where I blurted out all the things I didn't say to her and told her exactly how I felt. Good news is, she has finally forgiven me that night (and told me that she loved me too), we hugged each other tight and I cried a lot speaking my heart out. It was the greatest night of my life since the break up, as it has given me the the answers and the right type of closure that I desired. Everything has been gladly resolved. As for the bad news, she revealed that she's been having a boyfriend behind me (for awhile before she initiated the break up with me), and slept with him multiple times after our break up. I already thought so when we broke up because I was begging and crying and she didn't seem to get affected at all. Now I'm stuck in a very typical role of an ex of a girl in a rebound relationship. All the signs are there, she wouldn't stop comparing me and her new bf (even telling me her comparisons), and she would sometimes tell me that she miss/love me but ultimately wouldn't want to be with me. I decided to go NC again to improve myself tremendously while saving myself from getting hurt again. The greatest problem is that, she knows she still love me and knows that I love her too, but for some reason just wouldn't get back to my side. I'm not so naive as sit in the corner silently and wish hard that their relationship would fail someday and she'd be very heartbroken and fall back to me. As much as it seems like a rebound, it doesn't mean that rebound will always fail. I guess she just misses the comfort and familiarity that I can give her. I'm sure the new guy is nowhere as close to her as I am (even though he might be better on the bed). She also kept telling me how she has a lot of doubts in her new relationship and how I was the greatest love in her life. Bottom line is, I want her to know that I still love her and is willing to improve myself, transform myself into someone worthy and pursue her again. But will that drive her even further away? She kept spamming me even though I already tell her that I need some space to do my own thing and will come back for her someday, and she insisted that we be friends and chat. Like I said, she is only seeking me for the comfort while giving all the love to her new boy right? How can she be so cruel and what can I do to let her know how much I've done for her? If I were to trick her into thinking I have moved on completely (which I doubt she'd believe), she might get jealous but what if she saw I moved on and she gave up completely on me? But if I were to let her know that I still love her will that make her feel like I'm always around and she'd continue with her new boy? I know being aggressive now is the least favorable option as it'd make the rebound fruitful. When I'm having my personal space she'd always use tricky ways (cause she knows me well) to make me reply her. How do I present her someday with a new me and make her love me (with commitment) again? Ladies and gentlemen, please provide me with your valuable insights! I love her and I know she's the one worth fighting for! Edited January 16, 2015 by KittyTiger
Marco Valerio Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 Lots of times BU involve 3rd persons. What I've learned in my past relationship is that doesn't matter what she says (the dumper), or the excuses she makes. The fact that she cheated on you and chose to be with someone else over you, is enough to send her far away as possible. People who cheat are NEVER worth it !!! When I say NEVER is NEVER !!! There's so many nice girls out there that would never cheat on you !!!!
Chi townD Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 The only girl worth fighting for is the one willing to fight with you. Not against you. Dude, she was cheating on you. And, to be honest, she was looking for any excuse to get rid of you. You stated that you "hurt her" and she dumped you. You also stated that it wasn't because of a third party but you haven't told us what it was. Dollars to donuts it wasn't that bad. I speculate that it was something that was very forgivable and fixable. But, instead of staying and fixing the problem, you gave her the excuse she was looking for to kick you to the curb and go running to this other dude. She stood there and watched you cry, beg and plead for another chance. All the while knowing that she was just intimate with someone else. I mean, she didn't even mourn the loss of you or the relationship. She just jumped right into bed with this guy. What does that say about the feelings and love she has towards you? If you make improvements to yourself and make positive chances in you life. You do them for yourself and no one else. Dude, it's time to start to heal from this and let go. Even if her new relationship fails, always remember that she betrayed you and showed you just how expendable you are to her. Time to heal and move on from this. Start making positive changes in your life for YOU and start living your life as if she's not coming back, because chances are, she's not. The best revenge you can get is to lead a DAMN good life. 1
Holmes85 Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 I did something wrong that hurt her (does not involve a 3rd party) and she left me after considering it for quite some time (a few months). So you did something wrong, she completely forgets about the 3 wonderful years and dumps you? I highy doubt that it was really something that bad. As for the bad news, she revealed that she's been having a boyfriend behind me (for awhile before she initiated the break up with me), and slept with him multiple times after our break up. I already thought so when we broke up because I was begging and crying and she didn't seem to get affected at all.Here is your third party that she wanted to persue before she ended it with you. She also doesn't seem to be effected after a 3 year relationship ended and goes happily without much remorse to the new guy. Your brain must be telling you right now "something is so wrong here dude". she wouldn't stop comparing me and her new bf (even telling me her comparisons), and she would sometimes tell me that she miss/love me but ultimately wouldn't want to be with me.You really need to stop thinking about what she's saying and start seeing what she's doing. Her words and actions do not match with each other. she knows she still love me and knows that I love her too, but for some reason just wouldn't get back to my side.She wants you as a backup plan dude, in case it doesn't workout with him. She had no problems in leaving you for his side but has problems getting back to your side? Bottom line is, I want her to know that I still love her and is willing to improve myself, transform myself into someone worthy and pursue her again.Bad idea in pursuing her, also you guys were together for 3 years, do you really think she doesn't know how much you love her by now and you still need to show more? So basically you want to just give, give and give some more and getting nothing in the end? Does that sound fair to you? Probaby not. she insisted that we be friends and chat. Like I said, she is only seeking me for the comfort while giving all the love to her new boy right?She feels itsy bitsy of guilty there, by remaining her friend, you would only help her move on faster while slower your own. Want my honest opinion on the matter? Cut this girl off immediately, if she asks you why are you cutting her off and don't talk to her the way you used to tell her that "it was your idea to breakup with me, I do not want to be friends, I think both of us should move on and don't talk with each other anymore" after that you leave, you seriously do not reply to anything. Don't worry about her forgetting you by not talking to her, she won't. Take the time to improve yourself and get yourself together to get out of this emotional state and when you start thinking more clearly, pick up some new hobbies and visit some old ones and do things that you didn't get the times to do before, now you are single, it's time to think about you and improve the quality of your life for yourself (and also for your future partner), well it's all said and done, I think you would be in a much better state of place in your life, but remember everything begins by taking the first step and it's also the hardest, I say you take that first step today and get yourself back and be even more better than you previously were.
bigtrouble Posted January 17, 2015 Posted January 17, 2015 There you go now you know the reason what really happened, its time to heal and go on, She's being honest with you now. If you weigh it in its not your fault, she cheated on you, nothing you can do to turn that around. So just stop thinking about it, all the what ifs, and whys, just focus on your healing.
Author KittyTiger Posted January 17, 2015 Author Posted January 17, 2015 Alright guys first of all I apologize for not emphasizing on how much I hurt her so you all got the wrong idea and gave the wrong type of insights. I do not wish to reveal what I've done (involves criminality but has been completely resolved, please don't judge me), bottom line is it was very nasty and it hurt her. But she has already forgiven me. Right now she's in a confused state herself. Yes she has done wrongly in her parts as well for cheating on me, but I know clearly that if I hadn't done anything to hurt her she'd still love (trust me, I know her very well). But as time goes, her new environment (new university) and the new boyfriends is beginning to change her. What I need is opinions in winning her over her rebound boyfriend in the situation I'm in. Should I go on with NC? Or should I do LC? I know I can't be friends with her yet. Thank you very much!
Hija77 Posted January 17, 2015 Posted January 17, 2015 Even with the clarification, the advice you've been getting still applies. I'm sorry you're in so much pain, but you need to leave that girl alone.
Chi townD Posted January 18, 2015 Posted January 18, 2015 Doesn't matter what you did. She made a choice and that was to have you out of her life. So, give her exactly what she's asking for. Look at a relationship as a job, you got fired. She told you your services as boyfriend are no longer required. Now, as with a REAL job, do you go in on Monday and start working for free? NO!!! You dust off that resume and you look for a new job. Time to move on dude. I know it's not what you want to hear. But, it's time to move on.
erklat Posted January 18, 2015 Posted January 18, 2015 You're bargaining now. Your lack of boundaries is legendary in this moment. Even if you guilt trick her into reconciliation, it will be short lived one. When someone kicks you to the curb it means that they decided they can Live with possibility of never speaking with you again. Not respecting that wish is lame. Show her she is expendable. You have to draw a line in sand somewhere.
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