Men: why don't you get it?

January 16, 2015

I was talking to this 40 something guy the other day. He is average looking, balding, slightly out of shape but in general nice enough.

He was venting to me about his bad luck with women. Apparently he is looking for a gf but all 3 of the girls he dated last flaked out and stopped returning his calls for no reason. He was really bitter about it.

OK- so, it turns out that he met ALL 3 of them in a night club. This dude still frequents night clubs and gets drunk on Fri/Sat every week. Also, all 3 of them were 20-26 age range. I mean, seriously, why would a 20-something beautiful woman get serious with some dude that's old enough to be her father? He doesn't even have money to attract more materialistic women. 20-something girl/woman wants to dance with her friends and possibly hook up with some hottie with a 6-pack.

How can you be so delusional

January 16, 2015

despite the age difference, and not sure what these ladies looked like, I think many of us hope that women will date us for being nice, loving and having a kind and big heart. Why don't women get that when all they chase after is guys who are attractive, especially when they are out of their league, that these guys just want a ****? Everyone wants to date up. That's the answer. /truth

January 16, 2015

I sense a bit of anger and negativity from your post Eternal Sunshine. I forgot how old you are, but if I am correct (and complimenting you appropriately) you fit into the 20-26 age range. Maybe this 40 year old man was irksomely hitting on you, and the rest of the post is you revealing your desires.

As for the 40 year old man, there isn't much to say about him since his actions reveal why he is delusional. Just like a lot of men (note I said not all), they want a younger woman for fun and procreation (or just sex). Obviously this guy, and others like him, are lost in the sauce. They are immature and irresponsible. If they are lurking around clubs, trying to get lucky with some young 20-something chick, while attempting to prolong their long gone youth, they aren't looking for anything serious or stable. Which means these men are unstable themselves.

January 16, 2015

I think he may be trying to feel younger than he is by hanging out with a younger crowd. Lack of maturity plays a role in this.

I've found that the saying "the older the fiddle,the sweeter the music" is very true. Give me a woman over 35 ANY day. Much more fun,more sure of themselves, know what they want, and "usually" not as much drama.

January 16, 2015

I believe that many men who have been in LTRs married or not, get back on the dating scene and act like they never left it.

The people they were attracted to 20 years ago, before they left it, ie 20-26 y-olds are still their main target. It is like they believe time stood still just for them.

Also OLD gives them access to a younger crowd, they can choose to only date young women, but they are then disappointed that those young women are not grateful for the attention from guys old enough to be their fathers.

These men then get bitter and resentful, feeling they are entitled and that everyone is to blame but themselves.

They blame bad luck with women, or they blame women in general, but they rarely see that their expectations are unrealistic.

January 16, 2015

I am not in my 40's, but my mid/late 30's and met a woman out at a bar last week 10 years younger than myself. We had great conversation, she has her act together, similar interests/ideals and we have have been talking ever since. I have no desire to "just hook up" or "feel younger" with her, I genuinely like her.

January 16, 2015

Results vary. This guy probably has unrealistic expectations, but given that he has any success at all, perhaps he just hasn't found the right woman yet. His methods do seem rather optimistic, though.

That said, it can work out sometimes. Over three years ago I met a delightful and interesting much younger (27 years) woman at a bar through a mutual friend, and soon after we became FWB - her idea. That has lasted three years so far.

January 16, 2015

It's less the age difference and more the persistent belief that nightclubs and bars are where you're going to meet a woman with long-term relationship potential. I see this more with men than women, this strange fascination with the club scene.

January 16, 2015

LOL this guy is clearly going about it the wrong way.

Personally I only date women within a few years of my age. You have to be honest with yourself and face reality. Seriously, what can you expect to have in common?! I'm not saying that it can't or wont work but what are the chances?!

January 16, 2015

How can you be so delusional

While it may be enormously frustrating to some, men of my generation, in general, don't spend a lot of time analyzing our appearance and categorizing themselves by appearance. Most of the time other men don't even register on the looks scale, rather they're simply another opponent to overcome and defeat, whether that's in battle, to put food on the table, to establish or keep a territory or family or whatever. We just don't focus on our looks in the same way women do. Hence, out in the world we're not aware we're 'ugly'. We're just living.

The guys who limit themselves with 'rules' generally lose. The ones who hit on anything in a skirt generally win. Why? It's a personality characteristic which in general makes them winners in life. They take maximum advantage of any situation which is possible within the boundaries of societal law. Yep, it pisses some people off; yep, they hurt people.

Myself, I think I was extraordinarily fortunate to do as well as I did with women and relationships considering all the rules I followed. No complaints at all. TBH, I don't get guys who complain about that kind of stuff in real life. I simply don't hear it, at all, in the real world. My male friends might vent a bit about their marriages now and again but never talk about female stuff. Again, that's typical. It's a competitive male thing. I guess they talk about it with you (women). I never did. Didn't see a point to it. Another 'rule'.

January 16, 2015

Well he can take it from me that trying to win over girls in their late 20s and early 30s is hardly any easier so hey, if you are gonna get rejected might as well be rejected by girls who still have age and beauty on their side. More power to that dude's elbow...although he should quit complaining about it.

January 16, 2015

despite the age difference, and not sure what these ladies looked like, I think many of us hope that women will date us for being nice, loving and having a kind and big heart. Why don't women get that when all they chase after is guys who are attractive, especially when they are out of their league, that these guys just want a ****? Everyone wants to date up. That's the answer. /truth

Unfortunately, being unattractive doesn't mean a man is nice. Here we go with more of that Evil Good Looking Man stuff. Anyway, most people end up with someone who looks like them.

I'm willing to bet guy in question was not primarily interested these young hotties because they were "nice, loving", and have a "good heart." Many guys don't want a woman to judge him, but will sit back and judge a female all day long. This is what gets me the most about old dudes.

OP, I'm 27, and I don't expect men who are 20 and nearly in my age bracket to knock down doors to get to me. I'll never get why 40 something men think they are hot to 26 year old women. A few are hot, but the George Clooneys of the world are rare.

Well, at least he's 'only' in his 40s. I've had men up to 70 hit on me since my early 20s. Dudes think if he can breath and get it up he's still attractive to women. They may feel young, but that doesn't make them young.

Also, a club is not usually the place to find a relationship. Is he trying to find a girl wearing beer goggles?

January 16, 2015

I was talking to this 40 something guy the other day. He is average looking, balding, slightly out of shape but in general nice enough.

He was venting to me about his bad luck with women. Apparently he is looking for a gf but all 3 of the girls he dated last flaked out and stopped returning his calls for no reason. He was really bitter about it.

OK- so, it turns out that he met ALL 3 of them in a night club. This dude still frequents night clubs and gets drunk on Fri/Sat every week. Also, all 3 of them were 20-26 age range. I mean, seriously, why would a 20-something beautiful woman get serious with some dude that's old enough to be her father? He doesn't even have money to attract more materialistic women. 20-something girl/woman wants to dance with her friends and possibly hook up with some hottie with a 6-pack.

How can you be so delusional

I think this can apply to anyone looking for a relationship but looking in unlikely places with the unlikeliest of people and then blaming the people without seeing how their own expectations and subsequent actions make no sense.

While you can meet someone at a night club, it's the least likely place to look for a relationship. I don't think if you are 40 years old you should be drunk at clubs talking to women half your age and expecting to get a gf out of it, regardless of your wealth or how you look, so that's silly of him. Even people in their 20s aren't necessarily looking for a SO at the club. He could at least go to a club patronized by women closer to his age, I know where I live there are some clubs which are for 25 and older only or just have a more mature crowd, so even if he wanted to do the club thing he should do a club that has patrons closer to his age instead of patronizing clubs for mostly college aged folks.

If he wants a more realistic and likely scenario for finding a gf then he should try OLD where there is at least a chance to message and screen people or he should do activities that women closer to his age are into. He should be more strategic because what he's doing makes no sense. If you've done the same thing to no avail, try something different. But I doubt most 40 year old men who are successfully dating are drunk at clubs looking for young girls.

Edited January 16, 2015 by MissBee

January 16, 2015

To be fair, I'm late 30s, meeting men from their early 30s to mid 40s who seem to be mature, relationship-minded, and looking for someone near their age. I haven't found one I really click with yet, but they do exist!

January 16, 2015

despite the age difference, and not sure what these ladies looked like, I think many of us hope that women will date us for being nice, loving and having a kind and big heart.

That's a completely fine desire, but you cannot seriously think that going to nightclubs at 40 for the sole purpose of hitting on girls half your age is going to miraculously yield someone who loves you for your big (ahem) heart...

It's a moot point, though, because most genuinely 'nice, loving men with a kind and big heart' AREN'T doing that. So it's all good really.

January 17, 2015

OP mentioned that he was overweight and balding. So if he was in good shape would that make any difference?

FWIW my old football coach at my high school was dating a 29 year old when he was 50. Although he was skinny he wasn't in any particular good shape. So hey it happens.

Edited January 17, 2015 by AVarma

January 17, 2015

This dude still frequents night clubs and gets drunk on Fri/Sat every week.

sounds like an alcoholic to me

January 17, 2015

I was talking to this 40 something guy the other day. He is average looking, balding, slightly out of shape but in general nice enough.

He was venting to me about his bad luck with women. Apparently he is looking for a gf but all 3 of the girls he dated last flaked out and stopped returning his calls for no reason. He was really bitter about it.

OK- so, it turns out that he met ALL 3 of them in a night club. This dude still frequents night clubs and gets drunk on Fri/Sat every week. Also, all 3 of them were 20-26 age range. I mean, seriously, why would a 20-something beautiful woman get serious with some dude that's old enough to be her father? He doesn't even have money to attract more materialistic women. 20-something girl/woman wants to dance with her friends and possibly hook up with some hottie with a 6-pack.

How can you be so delusional

It may be that he has been out of the game a long time and doesn't know how to date in his current state so he reverts to how he did when he was younger. Probably delusional because he has no one to give him advice. Next time you should give him a tip or two so he's not so delusional.

Edited January 17, 2015 by jab116

January 17, 2015

We are not all that way. I am a 40 year old divorced man. I don't go to clubs or bars and never have. If I did meet somebody I would prefer someone my own age and someone that doesn't drink so a bar or club would be the last place I would be looking if I did decide to look again. I would be very skeptical if a 20 something showed any interest toward me anyway.

January 17, 2015

I was talking to this 40 something guy the other day. He is average looking, balding, slightly out of shape but in general nice enough.

He was venting to me about his bad luck with women. Apparently he is looking for a gf but all 3 of the girls he dated last flaked out and stopped returning his calls for no reason. He was really bitter about it.

OK- so, it turns out that he met ALL 3 of them in a night club. This dude still frequents night clubs and gets drunk on Fri/Sat every week. Also, all 3 of them were 20-26 age range. I mean, seriously, why would a 20-something beautiful woman get serious with some dude that's old enough to be her father? He doesn't even have money to attract more materialistic women. 20-something girl/woman wants to dance with her friends and possibly hook up with some hottie with a 6-pack.

How can you be so delusional

Is this about him being delusional or you being insulted that he was venting to you about young women he can't get while overlooking you?

January 17, 2015

It's less the age difference and more the persistent belief that nightclubs and bars are where you're going to meet a woman with long-term relationship potential. I see this more with men than women, this strange fascination with the club scene.

I think it's this, big time, too. Most younger women don't want to date much older men, but it does happen and work out just fine sometimes. However when it does happen and work out, I think it's rarely coming from a square one mutual lust foundation. I think it often starts out a lot more emotionally for the younger woman. My theory, of course, not some cold hard fact.

But the thing is, women are pickier when it comes to casual sex, than most men are. WAY PICKER

This makes sense, given the higher risks for us (of various types, as well) and the fairly high chance that the sex won't even be that great (since most men having casual sex don't really give a damn if the woman really enjoys it or not). There have been many survey-studies that confirm this over and over again, as far as women being way pickier, and then a bunch of obvious reasons as to why - everything from getting her heart broken to getting herpes to getting murdered to being considered more of a "slut" and so on, and all with a very high chance she won't even get an orgasm out of it.

And dating in the present day western society is basically casual sex. Most men (i.e. more than 50% although I'd suspect a solid notch higher than that) expect sex rather early on, typically before any kind of commitment, before a serious relationship, before being exclusive, sometimes even before the sixth date. Sex in these circumstances IS casual sex. Lady has no idea where it's going and hardly knows the guy yet, he's not even her official boyfriend or whatever.

SO.

What this means is that women in general are going to be a lot pickier even in a setting like a club/bar and even if you're just trying to get their number and a date. Because they (logically) figure that you're actually after casual sex. If you're a special exception, okay, but but no woman there is going to be psychic, nor is she going to believe you (unless she is deluded in general) if you try to tell her otherwise.

And since she will believe that you're after casual sex, she's going to be very, very picky and very, very superficial when considering you.

Many women tend to be less superficial than men when men are actually taking the time to properly court them. The guy just has to be 'kinda cute' to her and then the rest can be his personality. But when it comes to casual sex and casual atmospheres, I guess it's a big shocker to some guys when the women are just as straight up superficial as they are. But that's the way it goes.

And then I imagine some guys just lack awareness about how the setting can make a woman automatically assume he wants something casual, even if honest to goodness he does want something real and serious.

January 17, 2015

I was talking to this 40 something guy the other day. He is average looking, balding, slightly out of shape but in general nice enough.

He was venting to me about his bad luck with women. Apparently he is looking for a gf but all 3 of the girls he dated last flaked out and stopped returning his calls for no reason. He was really bitter about it.

OK- so, it turns out that he met ALL 3 of them in a night club. This dude still frequents night clubs and gets drunk on Fri/Sat every week. Also, all 3 of them were 20-26 age range. I mean, seriously, why would a 20-something beautiful woman get serious with some dude that's old enough to be her father? He doesn't even have money to attract more materialistic women. 20-something girl/woman wants to dance with her friends and possibly hook up with some hottie with a 6-pack.

How can you be so delusional

I agree. I can't stand it when older guys think its "ok" to go after girls 15-20 years younger than him! Man, why can't some 40 plus guys go after women their OWN age. Geez. Younger women in their 20's have preferences too and it ain't 50 year old men. I know this, because I'm speaking from experience.

January 17, 2015

The sad thing is that he thinks he is being so cool and has a great social life because he goes to night clubs. He has also never been married.

For someone that said if it would make a difference if he was in shape; not much I guess. I know me and my friends when we were that age. We never even considered 40+ guys and were more obsessed with looks than ever. We didn't care about being in a relationship with a nice man. We were all obsessing over who is the hottest guy (which usually involved some muscled 20 something guy with full head of hair and beautiful face). Early 20s women are the shallowest group there is - and they can afford to be!

January 17, 2015

you want to know what I am really wondering ? Those are the women he lusts - and complains over. I am just wondering... about the women he does manage to hook up with, in those clubs . How are they, what do they look like. Because he can only go "hungry" for so long, hahaha.

Peter Pan syndrome? it may well be he's a guy who's always gone to nightclubs in his 20s and 30s... and since he is obviously not more evolved now in his 40, he keeps the same behaviour. Basically he is the same person. The only difference is his success rate deteriorates by the day... gloomy perspectives in sight, what can I say, one can only deny reality for so long

January 17, 2015

I know a lot of 40's men who still regularly go clubbing and to bars Friday's Saturday's and then they'll be in the pub all Sunday afternoon as well.

I see many of them when I'm out shopping or talking a walk and we'll say hello, what are you up to etc. and they are always on their way to the pub or on their way from the pub.

Some of them I would be interested in except for the fact that going to the pub is all they seem to do/want to do.

I used to be part of the pub scene but I simply got bored of it. Even arranging a day out doing something was tough because the whole time they would only be interested in 'let's go find a pub'.

So much so that I go for days out and do other things like cinema, theatre etc on my own.

Men have also heard for years that they age better than women - they believe it but they also somewhere along the line ignored the part about keeping in shape and looking their best.

When you look at Sean Connery or George Clooney you can see that they have looked after themselves and look their best. Neither of them are likely to go on a date with falling apart shoes or old tracksuit bottoms on.

They also dress appropriately for their age.

Many men my age just don't do that. They never change their style as they age whereas most women change their dress style over the years.

I've found that the saying "the older the fiddle,the sweeter the music" is very true. Give me a woman over 35 ANY day. Much more fun,more sure of themselves, know what they want, and "usually" not as much drama.

I had to respond to this as it's something I've found over the years in respect to many men over 35 that they are not as much fun, much more insecure, seem to want to be in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship and usually they are filled with drama or create it themselves.

Once I actually got to know these guys through dating them it was simply exhausting and no fun to date them, the thought of a future with them was not a nice picture to forsee. They wanted a mother.

The weird thing is that they came across as immature, yet younger men are now more mature in general than men in my age group.

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Men: why don't you get it?

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