swimswimswim Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 Sorry for text wall, I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read it, I tried to compress it. My near 3 year relationship - me 30M, her 26F - ended a few days ago. 2 years local, last year transatlantic due to my visa issues. We talked every day for several hours, watched a lot of TV together! She visited me twice, had a lot of fun. I was unable to visit though wanted to. I let my previous contract run down and I was looking for jobs to try to come over near where she moved to (visa issues now much easier). I found jobs that looked pretty good and I was applying. Been in this job-search limbo for a couple of months: stressful, scary and un-enjoyable, but I was working through it. She started expressing how she worried that I was doing too much, would end up taking a bad job and be stuck in it, that she wasn't sure if she wanted more commitment by me moving over, that she didn't want to leave me stuck if it wasn't working 6 months down the line (though said how it was fine now). I said I wanted to make a life together, I know it's a risk but I want to take it. I suggested marrying but she was dead against it (probably a bad suggestion, in retrospect). There is a back issue that she chose the job in the US over a job in Europe which she felt gave her better prospects, though made moving to her much more job-search reliant for me. At the time I was unhappy with the decision, but I got over it and was looking forward to moving on and towards her. It seemed that she just didn't want me to move, while I did want to try. I was of the opinion that it's been nearly 3 years with us living apart for 1 year. It is a fair time for me to move after the contract expiry and I couldn't see us getting closer with more long distance. A couple of weeks ago I made it clear that I needed her to want me to come if I was going to. Ultimately she said she couldn't say it, said she had to take time to work out what she wanted. So I said I'm not going to do anything she doesn't want, and that was it...still love her to bits, and I think she still does too. I was planning NC for a while, try to get on with my life, maybe take jobs there, maybe not, see what comes up and what she decides. However she contacted me with details on jobs near her yesterday(!) and she wanted to discuss what I was going to do job-wise. I sent a much terser reply saying thanks but I'm still thinking what to do, don't have anything new to say, but attached a happy meme to try to express that I wasn't angry. Any suggestions? Just go back to NC until she comes to a conclusion? Mostly I wanted to tell the story for the cathartic value...
Author swimswimswim Posted January 18, 2015 Author Posted January 18, 2015 Sorry for the self bump. So I now have an interview for one of the jobs near her. It's seems a pretty good job but I have no idea if I would be taking it just for the chance of getting back together. If I get an offer, I would have to reply fairly quickly. Is it reasonable to send an email asking if she would want to get back together if I took it? Do I have to take it without knowing? Or should I have already given up and been looking far away at this point?
umirano Posted January 18, 2015 Posted January 18, 2015 No no no no please! At 30 you should know! She's broken up with you. Your job search has nothing to do with your dating life. At least not anymore. Obviously closing the distance means getting a job near each other, but now the RS has failed, and the only criteria for your job search are your own, like career outlook, pay, challenge, etc. If you like the job for yourself, go ahead. If you don't like it, or where it is, then reply professionally that you are not interested anymore. 1
Author swimswimswim Posted January 19, 2015 Author Posted January 19, 2015 No no no no please! At 30 you should know! Old or not it's still personally disruptive when a long term relationship gets broken off, particularly in the first week! But fair enough, I guess I have to decide on my own.
umirano Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 Old or not it's still personally disruptive when a long term relationship gets broken off, particularly in the first week! Yes, sure, but this isn't about the RS anymore. I'm not sure how exactly you two feel about each other, but it looks like she's not in the RS as much as you are, and what's worse, it looks like she isn't upfront about her true sentiment. Telling you she thinks "you're doing too much" sounds fishy. As long as she isn't aboard 100% and a genuine communicator I can't imagine how involving her in your job search is doing any good. 2
Elias33 Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 Don't invest in a maybe. She doesn't seem sure, and you are betting your career on it. She would have said it with ease, if she really wanted you there. It's like she is weighing her options... Coming together needs to happen on both sides. And from what I have read, she really isn't convinced. Somewhere along the way she changed her outlook. Good luck to you, I know it is hard, but trying is something that needs to be done simultaneously, not merely to convince one another. Even if tomorrow all is well again, the foundation now is weakened. I have been there. 1
Author swimswimswim Posted January 20, 2015 Author Posted January 20, 2015 (edited) Thank you both. I agree and will not ask her. It would be lose-lose: she says "okay", she feels guilty and could well break off again later, she says "no" (or "not sure"), I feel like a fool for asking AND she feels guilty. If she ever comes around to the idea I don't think I can/should have had anything to do with it. As it is I am feeling rather the fool anyway. The last year I spent in several temporary locations (a rather dull work/visa story) which was extremely stressful. This was all so as I could stay in work yet have an easily run down contract end-date and move to her after 12 months away. I turned down a couple of more permanent jobs in NW Europe so I could move out to her nowish. It was an unhappy year, but I was really looking forward to the "light at the end of the tunnel". Alas. In retrospect, she gave a lot of hints that this was really troubling her over the last couple of months, though I didn't pick up on it. She was still sending me jobs near her (???), but I still should have realised. Yeah I'm coping in NC, and I totally agree that if she is not 100% then at this point I can't/shouldn't do anything. Not at all sure what I'm doing with jobs, but I agree I have to do it independently now. Edited January 20, 2015 by swimswimswim
ComingInHot Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 Why so against marriage after a 3 year long relationship? You don't have to answer of course. I was just curious* I am so sorry you are hurting but think hard and long about moving soooo far away. Would it be for a job or for a relationship that is already on the rocks? What do You think would be best for You? 2
Author swimswimswim Posted January 20, 2015 Author Posted January 20, 2015 Why so against marriage after a 3 year long relationship? You don't have to answer of course. I was just curious* I don't know, I don't think she knows either, really. I think she feels she should want commitment (marriage kids house etc), but can't decide if she actually wants it, and apparently she definitely doesn't want it right now! Her previous long term relationship also ended with her pulling back from another who wanted a commitment... I am so sorry you are hurting but think hard and long about moving soooo far away. Would it be for a job or for a relationship that is already on the rocks? What do You think would be best for You? Exactly, but I don't have a good answer as to whether I could get something better for me now I have more options in location. I have to try to decide where to go now "as if" she wouldn't get back with me regardless. I don't want that to be, but it is what it is. At least I'm at my parents place at the moment and they have a swimming pool. It helps!
Elias33 Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 Thank you both. I agree and will not ask her. It would be lose-lose: she says "okay", she feels guilty and could well break off again later, she says "no" (or "not sure"), I feel like a fool for asking AND she feels guilty. If she ever comes around to the idea I don't think I can/should have had anything to do with it. As it is I am feeling rather the fool anyway. The last year I spent in several temporary locations (a rather dull work/visa story) which was extremely stressful. This was all so as I could stay in work yet have an easily run down contract end-date and move to her after 12 months away. I turned down a couple of more permanent jobs in NW Europe so I could move out to her nowish. It was an unhappy year, but I was really looking forward to the "light at the end of the tunnel". Alas. In retrospect, she gave a lot of hints that this was really troubling her over the last couple of months, though I didn't pick up on it. She was still sending me jobs near her (???), but I still should have realised. Yeah I'm coping in NC, and I totally agree that if she is not 100% then at this point I can't/shouldn't do anything. Not at all sure what I'm doing with jobs, but I agree I have to do it independently now. It is not foolish for believing in your relationship, you're not a fool for having tried. In fact, it is your strength, you are willing to go places for love. Keep that spirit, a lot of people think to much about convenience when it comes to relationships. At least you, are willing to move mountains. Be proud, be sad, but don't feel foolish for having tried. 1
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