How to have sex/be intimate without feelings

[JChristie]

when you lose a friend of any kind, there is now all this empty time that used to be spent with that person. by filling up your time with activities to make yourself increasingly fabulous and delightful, you will easily find something else to do when the ex texts for a bootie call!

 

 

all the best!

Edited January 21, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
external link ~T

[lovexocoach]

You're being used and you will be hurt in the long run.

 

Time to make the break now and move on and date others.

 

Good luck.

[Ara-bella]

When I told him I thought he was manipulative and using me, he said I was just overthinking things like always. And that the reason we should wait to "officially date" again is because it's hard to commit to someone who lives an hour away, he said it's inconvenient when we're this young. He texted me saying "I like you a lot. You are mine. My other half. My pain in the ass. Mine."

 

Imagine how confused I must feel! I believe he's just sweet talking me.

I wish there was a way for me to tell him no to FWB but keep us on okay terms just in case it could potentially work out in the future.

[Zahara]

When I told him I thought he was manipulative and using me, he said I was just overthinking things like always.

 

Versus him telling you, "Yes, Ara-bella, I am using you to get whatever benefit I can without committing to you." You really think he is going to say that to you?

 

You already feel used and degraded, why do you keep going to him and asking him these questions? Don't you trust your own judgment? You don't trust how you feel? You don't want to grasp how bad you feel? What you believe isn't enough to know what you should do for yourself?

 

And that the reason we should wait to "officially date" again is because it's hard to commit to someone who lives an hour away, he said it's inconvenient when we're this young. He texted me saying "I like you a lot. You are mine. My other half. My pain in the ass. Mine."

 

And you believe this reason is worthy enough for you to be sitting around waiting for him? It's inconvenient because he doesn't want to go the extra mile with you.

 

Imagine how confused I must feel! I believe he's just sweet talking me.

 

You're not confused. If you believe he is sweet talking you, then there is nothing to be confused about. You just don't want to accept it.

 

I wish there was a way for me to tell him no to FWB but keep us on okay terms just in case it could potentially work out in the future.

 

So, you will continue being someone he uses for sex so that you can keep him interested? It's been said to you time and time again, when someone demotes you as someone they just f***, there you will stay. He is using you until someone else comes along.

Edited January 20, 2015 by Zahara

[Omei]

When I told him I thought he was manipulative and using me, he said I was just overthinking things like always. And that the reason we should wait to "officially date" again is because it's hard to commit to someone who lives an hour away, he said it's inconvenient when we're this young. He texted me saying "I like you a lot. You are mine. My other half. My pain in the ass. Mine."

 

Imagine how confused I must feel! I believe he's just sweet talking me.

I wish there was a way for me to tell him no to FWB but keep us on okay terms just in case it could potentially work out in the future.

 

 

"I don't want to date you but here's a sweet message that will hopefully keep you hooked and lined to me until im ready to move onto someone else"

 

That was the real msg he sent you if you ignore all the sweet talk covering it, he flat out said your not worth the travel time....yet he can travel for sex what a poor excuse.

 

The man im seeing we bus an hour to get to each other or meet halfway and we're not even exclusive yet....what does that tell you about the guy you like? He wants to make ZERO effort for you.

Edited January 20, 2015 by Omei

[Adele0908]

When I told him I thought he was manipulative and using me, he said I was just overthinking things like always. And that the reason we should wait to "officially date" again is because it's hard to commit to someone who lives an hour away, he said it's inconvenient when we're this young. He texted me saying "I like you a lot. You are mine. My other half. My pain in the ass. Mine."

 

Imagine how confused I must feel! I believe he's just sweet talking me.

I wish there was a way for me to tell him no to FWB but keep us on okay terms just in case it could potentially work out in the future.

 

At the end of the day, this is all about YOU.

 

This is a sign that you need to practice more self-love and self-care.

 

The problems in a relationship reflect our internal states.

 

How do you feel about yourself? Do you have low self-esteem sometimes? Do you experience negative self-talk?

 

Its a losing battle to try to change another person.

 

Its much easier to focus on changing yourself in positive ways.

 

Make a list of your strengths and weaknesses and be totally honest with yourself. For example, one of my weaknesses is a fear of being alone.

Also, I fear depending totally on myself for my survival, because I'm not totally confident in this area yet. Accept your weaknesses without condemning yourself. Then work on the ones you want to change, little by little.

 

Also, write down your beliefs about men and relationships. Make a list and be honest.

 

Think about your parents and write down what you learned from them about relationships.

 

Basically, you have to really get to know yourself.

 

When you carry a lot of fear about men/women and relationships, every interaction becomes skewed in your mind. You are looking at things through a filter of false beliefs. It's not a clear perception...yet. Once you get rid of the false beliefs, you can give and receive love.

[Ara-bella]

Guys, things have gotten worse.

Or I don't know, maybe better since he's actually defined the relationship..

 

Know how he claimed me by still saying "you're my girlfriend, mine only" etc etc?

 

I assumed he was mine too. But, the other day I found out that earlier this week he had been messaging a girl from his city on her public Tumblr (he was anonymous but said his name, very dumb of him) saying he wanted to talk and get to know her

 

Is this considered cheating? I considered it cheating and called him crying, saying it's over etc. He said I was the ONLY girl he was interested in, he's sorry even though we weren't official, he's an idiot, he'd never do it again, he wants me to be his valentine, he and that girl didn't message after that, asking if we could talk about it in person. We met up and he asked me to be his OFFICIAL girlfriend again, and said we could fully work things out after all that we'd been through.

I'm probably foolish, but I'm putting my trust in him once again.

 

I thought I could handle this situation with grace and forgiveness. But here I am still insecure, wondering if it'll ever happen again and how it probably will. Is it too late to salvage this relationship??

[Zahara]

Guys, things have gotten worse.

Or I don't know, maybe better since he's actually defined the relationship..

Know how he claimed me by still saying "you're my girlfriend, mine only" etc etc?

 

Yes, he claimed you so you'll be quiet and put up with his crap while he sees what's out there. The fact that you think it is maybe "better" is indicative of how low you're sinking.

 

I assumed he was mine too. But, the other day I found out that earlier this week he had been messaging a girl from his city on her public Tumblr (he was anonymous but said his name, very dumb of him) saying he wanted to talk and get to know her

 

This isn't surprising. I said to you before if you were thinking you would have him in the picture while going out there and dating other men, then he's doing the same thing. And he is. You are the option that he keeps on the backburner while he sees what's out there.

 

Is this considered cheating? I considered it cheating and called him crying, saying it's over etc. He said I was the ONLY girl he was interested in, he's sorry even though we weren't official, he's an idiot, he'd never do it again, he wants me to be his valentine, he and that girl didn't message after that, asking if we could talk about it in person. We met up and he asked me to be his OFFICIAL girlfriend again, and said we could fully work things out after all that we'd been through.

I'm probably foolish, but I'm putting my trust in him once again.

 

You will have to learn the very hard way. All he has to do is throw you some words and you're back where he wants you to be. What do you think would have happened if you didn't catch him? He'll now just find another way to contact others, and discreetly. Ara-bella, men like him do not respect women like you. Women that hang around even when they are being disrespected. What they do with women like that is use them.

 

I thought I could handle this situation with grace and forgiveness. But here I am still insecure, wondering if it'll ever happen again and how it probably will. Is it too late to salvage this relationship??

 

Grace and forgiveness? The man demoted you to someone he just wants to bang. He's now seeking other women. Do you have to see him having sex with someone else for you to wake up or maybe then you'll still come up with a delusional excuse.

 

We've been telling you to leave so many times. What more do you need us to tell you in order for you to grasp that this isn't healthy for you nor is this going to be the last time you get duped by this jerk.

Edited January 27, 2015 by Zahara

[No Limit]

He says that he just wants to be FWB but doesn't have the guts to tell his family that you're not a couple?

 

Seriously, dump this douche and find a real guy.

 

Edit; ugh, just read the news. Girl you don't have a relationship with him, you're being used for sex on the side. If you want your hurting to stop you will end it and all contact you have to him.

Edited January 27, 2015 by No Limit

[Leigh 87]

Oh my God.

 

One hour away IS NOT long distance:lmao:

 

I had a relationship with a man who lived 4 hours away. He didn't think twice about committing to me. For nearly a year he was desperate to commit and keep the relationship alive even after I left him...

Another man recently wanted a relationship with me so badly - and he lived 2 hours away! Recently I had a guy who lived a 4 hour plane trip away - he wanted me as his girlfriend in the beginning (introducing me to his friends and family as such) and talked about me moving over to him...until the distance proved too much and he was moving overseas anyway/we weren't a match after time spent together. When a guy is into you and feels that you have something to offer that is not easy to find - he will explore it, irrespective of where you live - although very long distance is still a legitimate reason I suppose even if the guy is really into you.

 

This guy sees you as a girl he enjoys sex with and he doesn't mind chatting to and texting and cuddling in bed. If he was really into you and he was invested in getting to know you better - he would not act this way. You need to better yourself - so that you have more options in dating - and so that your self esteem is raised to the extent where you overlook the men who aren't really into you and just string you along for sex!

 

It is one thing for a guy to want sex - I had a really hot musician recently who just wanted fun - and he was up front - he said that he found me very sexy and a nice girl, but he felt that we didn't click at that romantic level, and that he thought I was good enough on paper to date and that I was hot enough to date - but he didn't have feelings for me and offered up fun.

He was upfront with me from day one. I didn't want fun so I politely decl^^^ This guy was decent. ined, although he is a decent guy for being honest with me from the get go.

 

Another guy was an @ss. He pretended to want a relationship and to date me, when he clearly (his actions showed me) that he just wanted sex when he was in my local area - he also lived a good hour away.

 

You are a mess and you need to gain control of your life and raise your self esteem in order for you to avoid nasty men who lie in order to get what hey want, even though they know you have feelings for them and are likely to cry and get hurt when they find a girl they REALLY want to be with!

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

your'e obviously still inlove with him and he isn't in to you. I wouldn't be surprised if he's trying to hook up or date other girls while he's with you. This sort of thing can play havoc with your head and heart for years. You deserve love and this guy clearly isn't giving any to you. This is an immature love that usually can **** you up for years. DON'T DO IT. Detach from him immediately, spend sufficient time on your own, get a hobby go hang out with friends and learn to love yourself.

[Ara-bella]

Zahara- thanks for keeping up with my story and offering advice. Everyone else too. I realize I'm probably hard headed in this situation.

 

But I'm in a pickle and it's hard to leave. He's my first boyfriend and I really do care about him.

 

This morning he texted me saying "I was at work thinking and it hit me that I almost lost you this week. And for once in my life or for a very long time, I wouldn't know what to do or how to cope. I like you so much [my name]. Sleep well"

 

It's hard for me to believe he doesn't care about me

And if I end things now, I'm afraid I'll just regret it because I threw away someone who did really like me (??)

 

However, I truly can't get over the fact that he reached out to another girl. That's plain unfaithful and I don't know what to do about it, but I already forgave him.

[Ruby Slippers]

But, the other day I found out that earlier this week he had been messaging a girl from his city on her public Tumblr (he was anonymous but said his name, very dumb of him) saying he wanted to talk and get to know her

This is hard evidence that he's not serious about you and he doesn't care about you the way you care about him. Be thankful you got this hard evidence now.

 

He'll now just find another way to contact others, and discreetly. Ara-bella, men like him do not respect women like you. Women that hang around even when they are being disrespected. What they do with women like that is use them.

Exactly.

 

However, I truly can't get over the fact that he reached out to another girl. That's plain unfaithful and I don't know what to do about it, but I already forgave him.

You shouldn't get over that fact. You KNOW that a guy who really cared about you wouldn't do that. You can change your mind. You have to look after yourself. This guy is going to put himself first.

 

I know it's hard to let go of the first guy you've really cared about. But I don't see this going anywhere good for you. If you stick with him, I think you're going to get hurt.

[Zahara]

Zahara- thanks for keeping up with my story and offering advice. Everyone else too. I realize I'm probably hard headed in this situation.

 

But I'm in a pickle and it's hard to leave. He's my first boyfriend and I really do care about him.

 

This morning he texted me saying "I was at work thinking and it hit me that I almost lost you this week. And for once in my life or for a very long time, I wouldn't know what to do or how to cope. I like you so much [my name]. Sleep well"

 

It's hard for me to believe he doesn't care about me

And if I end things now, I'm afraid I'll just regret it because I threw away someone who did really like me (??)

 

However, I truly can't get over the fact that he reached out to another girl. That's plain unfaithful and I don't know what to do about it, but I already forgave him.

 

First boyfriend and you caring for him IS NOT justification to stay with someone that treats you poorly. Are you saying to me that you will overlook everything and anything because of those two excuses? What needs to happen to outweigh "first boyfriend and love" or will you accept just about any slap in the face?

 

Did he say he "likes you so much?" So you went from girlfriend, to f buddy to someone he likes very much. Ugh. How desperate are you, Ara-bella?

 

You must be absolutely delusional to think that he would not reach out to other women. What did you think he was going to do when he bumped you down to a Fbuddy? How can he be unfaithful when he was not in a relationship with you? In your mind you're in some twisted relationship/attachment with him. In his mind you're someone he uses. That's about it.

 

This isn't going to end well. You'll just perpetuate a painful cycle for yourself.

 

I'm not sure how what it is you seek. You can't complain when you're treated poorly because you teach him everyday how to treat you.

Edited January 27, 2015 by Zahara

[SaraSnow]

My boyfriend and I really didnt work out so we said we'd stay friends.

He then said he still wanted me so, we should be "friends with benefits and then some."

Today we hung out, me with his family, I actually met his grandma for the first time so that was progress. He still introduced me as his gf. She said "are you dating her just to be bf/gf or to marry?" and he goes "it's too early to tell" (been together for year, hes 19)

 

Honestly the whole situation is confusing. But we ended up doing sexual things after, pretty much everything except sex. Problem is, as much as I like him, I really don't think or know if it'll work out in the long run. It's kind of an enjoy it while it lasts thing and I imagine that's exactly how he views it as well. I really DO like and care for him. I don't wanna get hurt though but I enjoy the sexual aspect of things. Any advice on detaching myself? Is this just asking for a bad end result?

 

Be totally honest - did he initiate the break up, or did you?

 

My ex broke up with me because essentially, he didn't want t commit. He too, offered friends with benefits. I told him no, outright. asically he wnated to continue having sex with me, but have the option of seeing/sleeping with other girls. Just. Not. Worth. It.

 

A lot of people on this might take a very hard line approach with you. Ultimately, it is your call to make. As someone wh has been there and slept with an ex, it just didn't work out and yes, we both got hurt.

 

As excruciatingly painful as a breakup can be, getting out of the situation totally, is usually the best remedy. Like ripping a plaster off - feels very sore/scary, but really is much better than prolonging the pain.

 

Having said that, I also know that sometimes you just need to get stung and learn a lesson yourself.

 

After all, taking advice is great, but really it's our own experiences that count to us - whether they be negative or positive. Taking risks and getting hurt can often make you a stronger, more resilient person (and this doesn't just apply to relationships).

 

So it is your call.

[mightycpa]

Ara-bella, in answer to your original question, the only way you know if you can do that with someone is to also have sex with at least one additional person.

 

If you can't stomach the thought of that, then chances are you're emotionally involved, whether you know it or not, or at least, you're not cut out for that kind of relationship.

 

The completely healthy way to initiate these "it's only sex" relationships is to establish ground rules that each of you gets to have sex with whomever you want, that you expect to do more than just have sex together (ie, that you really ARE friends) and that dating others is totally allowed. It is even better if you announce that you already have someone in mind, because if it exists, jealousy will rear its ugly head right away.

 

You'd think that's a thing that boys can do easier than girls, but it really isn't. It just depends a lot on the individuals involved.

[thecrucible]

You must be careful and be sure you know what you are doing. I don't want to influence you either way but I have never done friends with benefits because it really makes me feel disgusted in myself the thought of giving a guy EVERYTHING without him having to put any real effort in at all. Especially after we have dated, it would really insult me. My ex tried it with me and I told him to get lost basically. And the guy will be bragging about it to his friends and ahhh just a recipe for a disaster. I'd rather keep my self-respect and stay at home with my vibrator to get my sexual kicks. Whatever you decide, don't be fooled that it'll draw him emotionally closer to you. It won't. In his mind he'll think, well I can get all this without being in a relationship with her. There'll be no motivation for him to step it up.

[Ara-bella]

I did feel disgusting as a FWB. And now we're back to officially dating.

It's horrible. I feel horrible. He doesn't make an effort to really even talk to me. It doesn't make sense and I'm a mess but I can't live without him.

 

We bought each other expensive Valentine's gifts and I'm just hanging in there until then.. and maybe it'll get better.

I know I'm being stupid. But I don't know what to do! I couldn't live with myself breaking up with him if there's still more to our story or something..

[Zahara]

Then wait it out. Sometimes you have to learn the hard way.

[Toodaloo]

I do feel used and degraded and I told him I don't think I like the idea of FWB anymore. He said "it seems like we're still in a relationship. You're the only girl I talk to."

 

Should I just be accommodating, but not too accommodating, just in case it could possibly work out, but keep my eyes open for other guys?

 

No - you cut ties.

 

You see it for what it really is and get on with it.

 

If not you tie yourself in knots, end up a mess and babbling emotional wreck...

 

This guy is an idiot. Plain and simple.

 

This guy does not want to be with you. Plain and simple.

 

Quit making excuses and fantasy relationships with him.

[LoveIsMyReligion]

What's the point in sleeping with someone you're not interested in?

[evanescentworld]

WARNING: Harsh Post:

 

I did feel disgusting as a FWB. And now we're back to officially dating.

No you're not. he's just yanking your string and playing you like a yo-yo... he doesn't love you, he loves to have you around to f*uck...

 

It's horrible. I feel horrible. He doesn't make an effort to really even talk to me. It doesn't make sense and I'm a mess but I can't live without him.

Oh of course you can, don't be such a stupid ninny.... you lived without him before, what sudenly happened to make your life terminal if he's not in it?

I'm sorry, you sound ridiculous. I'm being harsh, but if you were my daughter I'd be yelling at you right now to quit being so idiotic and get a grip.... For goodness' sake....

 

We bought each other expensive Valentine's gifts and I'm just hanging in there until then.. and maybe it'll get better.

There's more chance of Saudi Arabia giving total equality to women, and president Obama turning white overnight than this happening.

How long can you hold your breath?

 

(Take the gift back for a refund and buy yourself some reality pills - they're on the shelf next to the 'I've been such an idiot' lotion....)

 

I know I'm being stupid. But I don't know what to do!

Of course you do! It's just that for some bizarre reason you actually prefer to be a doormat, walked all over, used for sex and believe the crappy lines he feeds you.

you DO know what to do, and yes. You ARE being stupid.

 

I couldn't live with myself breaking up with him if there's still more to our story or something..

Oh what, like "He's given me an STD, and it's incurable".... or "He's asked me to be in a threesome with this other girl he's been dating".... or even "Now I'm pregnant and he's bailed, disappeared and accusing me of cheating!"... That kind of 'more to your story'?

 

Because one of those will undoubtedly be the heading to your next chapter of silliness....

Edited January 29, 2015 by evanescentworld

[Ara-bella]

I took your guys' advice and left.

I asked if we could just be friends because the amount of stress from the situation is overwhelming.. he said "you keep on bringing it up so fine"

we agreed to still give each other the gifts for Valentines day we bought.

 

So, in your opinions, NC until then?

He didn't fight for me, again, so I doubt he cares to have me back.

[d0nnivain]

I took your guys' advice and left.

I asked if we could just be friends because the amount of stress from the situation is overwhelming.. he said "you keep on bringing it up so fine"

we agreed to still give each other the gifts for Valentines day we bought.

 

So, in your opinions, NC until then?

He didn't fight for me, again, so I doubt he cares to have me back.

 

NC period. Take the gifts back & get refunds. Or just throw them away / donate them. It's still less emotionally costly then exchanging with him.

[mightycpa]

What's the point in sleeping with someone you're not interested in?

 

Seriously?