How to talk to girlfriends child?

[swordsmen121]

I have recently started dating a woman who has three kids from a previous marriage.

 

Two of youngest kids love me more than their own dad I find and I feel the same way about them too. They both mean a lot to me and I would do anything for them. However, I'm not in any way trying to be there father as I know that is wrong for me to do so.

 

The oldest child has some serious anxiety and depression. Her issues prevent her from trusting and opening up to me. She also does not tell her mother all her problems either. Initially, she was afraid of me but over time she started to open up to me and talk to me slowly. I started spending more time with the family by going to different places with them and she was completely comfortable with it at this point.

 

However, one day suddenly she started to feel uncomfortable around me again. She told one of her siblings that its because I always have to go everywhere with them. Her mother wasn't even aware of this until I told her myself. My girlfriend tried talking to her about it but she again doesn't open up to her about it and insists that she is fine with me.

 

I really want to talk to the oldest child. I feel like we can connect on many levels and I want to make her feel comfortable. I want to tell her that I care about her alot and would do anything to make her happy. I also want to tell her that I'm in no way trying to be there father but someone that truly cares about them. My problem is that I don't know how to initiate a conversation with her because she won't respond to me and would feel very anxious. I was thinking that I can talk to her with my girlfriend and not by myself.

 

I just need some help initiating and creating the right environment to talk to her.

[Poppyolive]

I think this is too much, too soon. I work with kids. So this is my advice. Relax. Instead of worrying, wondering, over thinking go with the natural flow instead of a "can we talk" situation. Especially if its a new relationship, its up to their mom & dad to chat about these changes.

 

I'm sure there are a lot of different emotions surficing for them. Please don't place your feelings & emotions on them. (I mean this in a kind way) instead focus on building something with your lady and her kids. Plan fun activities, adventures, create fun memories. You will know when the time is right to chat. Share how you feel. But it's not now.

[Toodaloo]

Slowly slowly catchy the monkey.

 

Try small comments first that do not lead to a full blown discussion.

 

I.E. Hey X I just want you to know that if you feel uncomfortable or have any worries that I am here to listen and its ok for you to tell me how you are feeling even if you think it might hurt or upset me. We are in this together and I want to make sure you are comfortable. So I am just telling you this now in case you need to talk later.

 

Then change the subject go back to what you were doing and let that slowly sink in.

 

It will also help if this can be said during an activity that does not involve eye contact. IE when you drop her off to meet friends at the shops or cinema, or when you are washing up etc.

 

Instead of forcing a talk open yourself up to be available to talk when they feel comfortable.

 

Give her space and time to feel safe with you. These are confusing times for children so don't try to force yourself onto her by trying to have a conversation she is probably not ready for.

[almond]

Actions speak louder than words, and time is required to build her trust.

 

 

Be kind. Be consistent. Don't force yourself on them. Be there for when they're ready.

 

 

I'd also take care making statements such as "Two of youngest kids love me more than their own dad." I'd say you're pretty far off the mark...especially considering that you say you've only started dating this woman recently...

 

 

Calm down tiger. Just be good to them, and let things develop naturally.

 

 

How long have you been with this woman?

Edited January 16, 2015 by almond

[Trimmer]

I really want to talk to the oldest child. I feel like we can connect on many levels and I want to make her feel comfortable.

Here's the deal: you can't make her feel comfortable. You can't drag her there. It may be that the best you can do, as mentioned in some of the comments above, is to walk the walk, and let your actions set the environment.

 

My problem is that I don't know how to initiate a conversation with her because she won't respond to me and would feel very anxious. I was thinking that I can talk to her with my girlfriend and not by myself.

Ouch - yikes! If there's something she is feeling uncomfortable about, and if it does, in fact revolve around everybody's roles in the new family dynamic, I can't think of a better way to make her feel like a cornered animal (fight, flight, or freeze!) than to recruit her mother to your side, and come at her like this. And I'm sure you will protest that this is not what you are intending to do at all, but holy crap man, try to look at it from the daughter's perspective.

 

If even a small part of her withdrawal is based around feeling like she's "losing her mother to you" in any way, there's no better symbol to hit her over the head with and convince her that she's lost the contest than to walk in together and start out with "honey, we want to talk to you..."

 

I just need some help initiating and creating the right environment to talk to her.

I suggest you revisit your founding assumption that the only approach to the problem you perceive is that you need to talk to her.

 

As a matter of fact, a lot of your comments above are sort of spoken from the perspective of what "I need to do." I'm not saying your goal is anything less than noble (helping the daughter to become more comfortable...) but try letting go of your need to fix things, and think about: what might the daughter need?

[todreaminblue]

time is the big thing.......what other posters said about outings,adventures and relaxing fun times is true...build up a bank of them and over time she will see you intend to stick around and be part of a changing family unit.........treat her mother with respect ....and she will notice......good luck....deb

[idoltree]

Please be aware that her attitude may have nothing to do with YOU, and everything to do with a child struggling with her mother being in a relationship. Meaning that it's more what you represent to her than a personal thing. Perhaps understanding that will make this easier for you.

 

If that's the case, then there is absolutely nothing you can do aside from being consistent and not pushing a relationship on her. Pushing/conversations/heart-to-hearts won't work. She will spin anything you do as a way to try to make her mom feel guilty as a way of manipulating you out of their lives.

 

None of this makes her a bad kid, it's just something that can happen with kids whose parents are dating/forming new relationships. It's almost a natural reaction, so please don't take it personally. And it may be that she sees that you're great, and that you make her mom and siblings happy, and that may make you more of a target because she knows you're there to stay.

 

If this is what is happening, then don't try to push anything on her because she will not be receptive. You cannot prove yourself worthy of her trust, because she doesn't want you around, let alone to to trust you. Let mom handle parenting, and you be there as a consistent adult person in their lives. Think of yourself as less of a fill-in father figure, and more of a cool uncle who thinks his "niece" is a great person and isn't afraid to show it/say it. Someone who is there and supports her, but is not a parent to her. Support her from afar, and over time, she may come to care about you and respect you, especially if she sees that her mom is clearly happy with you.

 

It is important that you and your gf do not tolerate her disrespecting you or excluding you. Her mother should expect her to at least treat you with the respect she would other adults in her life - teachers, coaches, etc. Adults make the rules and set the agenda for activities, and kids go along with them. Hopefully your girlfriend is not tempted to let her child set the household agenda out of her own guilt.

 

At the same time, you should also understand what is going on with her and proactively bow out of activities so she has alone time with her mom and siblings. It's going to be a balancing act, and if she sees that you're making sure she has time with her mom, things may settle down in the long run.

 

But if she is allowed to run rampant because adults in her life prioritize short-term relief of their own guilt over her long-term emotional health and growth, then this will not end well for you because she will succeed in driving a wedge between you and your girlfriend. You and your gf need to keep your eyes on the prize with this one; the reality is that the kid is struggling with how to handle some difficult emotions. Your gf needs to teach her daughter how to do that rather than cater to those difficult emotions, so that she grows up knowing how to handle hardship in her life.

[Gaeta]

 

However, one day suddenly she started to feel uncomfortable around me again. She told one of her siblings that its because I always have to go everywhere with them. .

 

About you listen to her and give her some family time alone with her mom and siblings?

 

I notice you go on with your thread about how you want to talk to her, make her feel comfortable, etc etc. That's about you and what you want.

 

She spoke up about what she wants. Give it to her.

[d0nnivain]

I'm not great with kids.

 

One of my EXs had an 11 year old when we began dating. I met the kid a charity fund raiser & had to watch over him for a about a half hour while his dad registered for the event. As spectators, the son & I couldn't go with the dad. There was an arcade nearby so I took the son there & we played some of his favorite games. Then I said we had to play some of my favorite games.

 

Over the years when like any typical kid, he'd yell, "you're not my mother!" I'd calmly reply "no I'm not but I am the adult who is currently in charge of your safety & well being so you still have listen to me, despite the lack of a blood relationship."

 

Years later, the then 18 year old son told me that he liked the fact that I initially treated him with respect, didn't try to artificially be his best friend or talk down to him, & never tried to pretend to be a substitute parent but instead gave him other reasons to respect my authority. It meant a lot to me that he said that

[acrosstheuniverse]

However, one day suddenly she started to feel uncomfortable around me again. She told one of her siblings that its because I always have to go everywhere with them. Her mother wasn't even aware of this until I told her myself. My girlfriend tried talking to her about it but she again doesn't open up to her about it and insists that she is fine with me.

 

Bingo. Eldest child is feeling threatened, because you're a random new guy on the scene and she feels like she can't get any time with her Mom or siblings without you tagging along too. She's getting upset about the fact that you're 'always there'... it's too much, too soon. She needs to know she's still number one in her Mom's life, if I were talking to her Mom I'd suggest that she starts to see you a little less, and spends lots of quality time with this kid especially, but all three really.

 

It can be really disorientating and confusing and upsetting for a child to suddenly witness their single parent with a new partner. It can be weird to see them with someone who isn't their other parent, I think there have been studies showing that little kids suffer emotionally and act out when a new partner sleeps over often, too soon into the relationship. The kid can often feel confused and upset because he or she can no longer go to their Mom in bed in the middle of the night, especially when they're old enough to comprehend their Mom being sexual with another guy. It's probably no surprise that it's the eldest child struggling here, she has the most comprehension of the situation.

 

Something's way off about all this however... you only just started dating her, and yet you're already so close you tag along with them constantly, and the youngest two love you more than they love their Dad? That's insane, no wonder they're confused. It's too fast, you've tried to fast forward to Father figure in the family instead of focusing on dating and getting to know their Mom, and then introducing yourself to the kids later.

 

Any attempt to ingratiate yourself on the eldest, deep conversations, will only push her away. You need to treat her like a rare and easily frightened woodland animal. Back off a little, be great to her when you see her, but leave the family to itself more than you are doing already, don't try to muscle in on time with the Mom when she's going out somewhere with the kids.

 

This situation is weird when you've only been dating her for a little while. Please, stall a bit and pull back. You need to slow down because this Insta-Family is not working out, and the poor kid probably barely knows where she stands, especially if she isn't close to her Father either. No amount of talking to the girl will change how she feels around you, you just need to be consistent, calm and gentle, and let her SEE that she can grow to trust and enjoy your company, words won't mean anything to her and would likely make her feel really uncomfortable and like she's being forced.

 

She told you what she wants and needs, you are lucky that you're not having to guess. But instead of listening to her and changing what you're doing, you're just pushing forward, forging ahead and trying to force her to fit the mold YOU want her to fit into. She is her own little person with her own delicate feelings, thoughts and wishes, and you're riding roughshod over them.